by Lisa Kleypas
"Worrying about you is all I've been doing lately!"
Addie put her hands on her hips as Ben sauntered over to her. She'd been through a terrible day, all because of him, and a little accounting was in order. "Stop right there." He paused a few feet away, his eyebrow arched in inquiry. "I have no intention of letting you near me, Ben Hunter. You've been awful to me all week. Rude, bad-tempered… you've ignored and insulted me-"
"I've gone through hell. I've wanted you so damn badly I couldn't see straight, and I've had enough work and worry to make a saint cuss."
"And you think I've had it easier? How do you think I felt when I saw you and Jeff fighting in the middle of the street like a bear and a bull? It didn't accomplish anything except to make matters worse between us and the Johnsons."
Ben scowled, his playful mood vanishing. "I couldn't help it. When I saw him looking down at you like that-Jesus, you'd think you were the only woman in Texas, the way he looked at you-and when he touched you-"
"For heaven's sake, he wasn't exactly going to ravish me in the street! The whole town was there."
"He was acting as if he owned you," Ben said moodily, folding his arms across his chest and shifting his weight to one leg, the other propped out in a masculine stance. "He damn sure seems to feel he has a claim on you, Addie. Why is that?" There was a flicker of jealousy in his eyes.
"What are you asking?"
"Just how far did you go with him?"
She was amazed at his bluntness. "When he and I were courting?"
"Yes."
"Oh, for heaven's… you don't really expect me to answer that."
No reply. He stared at her obstinately.
"You do," she said slowly. "After all you and I… Oh, I'd never have expected this from you! How far do you think I went with him? You know you're the first and only man I've ever made love with. Isn't that enough to satisfy your precious ego? It's just too bad if it isn't, because I'm not about to tell you the intimate details of my relationships with any other men not unless you're prepared to tell me what you've done with other women!"
"It's not the same."
"Not…" Addie started to repeat, and stopped in aston-ishment. Sometimes she forgot that although Ben was less chauvinistic than most men around here, he still had his moments. Suddenly she wanted to laugh. "Why isn't it the same?" she demanded. "If you have a right to know about my past experience, then I have a right to know about yours."
"We're not equally accountable for such things. A man is supposed to have experience. And a woman-"
"Is supposed to be ignorant? Pardon me-I forgot there was one set of rules for you and another for me."
"I'm not talking about rules-"
"Aren't you? You're supposed to be experienced and I'm not. Well, I was perfectly happy for you to be my first. But don't you think I would've liked to be your first too?"
Ben looked startled, as if the idea had never occurred to him before. "You have the damnedest way of twisting things around."
"Sometimes I have to. You're not always fair to me."
One corner of his mouth turned down, and he swore under his breath. "Look, I'm sorry I started this. I don't know why I asked you about that jackass. I just can't stand the thought of you being close to him."
"I can't change the fact that I used to care for him. But I never came close to feeling about him the way I do about you. You know that."
He shrugged, glaring at the floor.
Addie sighed. "Well, let me tell you something. I hate thinking of you with other women. I wish I could erase them from your memory. I wish you'd never been with anyone but me. But there's nothing I can do to change that, is there? Don't you see how pointless it is to fret about such things you have no control over?"
Ben looked up at her, his green eyes vivid in the darkness. He walked to her with measured paces, moving forward until she was forced to back up against the wall of the house. When there was no space left between her spine and the wall, he braced his arms on either side of her head. She turned her face away from his as she felt the crush of his body against hers, the touch of his breath against her cheek. God help her, she could never stay angry with him for long.
"I never said I'd be easy to get along with," he said. "You didn't have to say it. I knew you wouldn't be. "
He closed his eyes and kissed the wave of hair that had fallen over her temple, his mouth brushing against the soft skin just underneath her eye. Then his lips traced the line of her eyebrow, and she felt the touch of his tongue at the sleek point of it. She lifted her chin, seeking his mouth, and sighed a little as he kissed her with slow intensity. Silently they pressed closer to each other, clinging fiercely, hungering, prolonging the kiss until Ben made an uncomfortable sound and raised his head.
"I won't be able to stop," he said, breathing hard.
"Ben, when are we going to be able to-"
"I wish I knew." He looked pained. "I can't visit you tonight. No one's going to sleep well tonight after the trouble this afternoon."
"What's going to happen between us and the Johnsons?" she whispered, burrowing deeper into his embrace. "I hate it that things have gone this far."
"We'll have to take things as they come. I won't let my temper get out of hand again. It'll be easier now that our engagement is out in the open."
"You have so many responsibilities. I wish I could make things easier for you. "
"I'll be fine." He groaned and rested his chin on the top of her head. "If only I didn't want you so much. I can't even look at you across the table without feeling this happen." He pulled her loins tighter into his, and she pressed her hot face into his neck, her heart racing.
"It's just as difficult for me."
"It's different for men, honey. Believe me."
"I'm sorry," she whispered with a smile.
"Addie!" came May's voice from inside the house, a signal they'd spent too much time alone on the porch.
"I'll be right in, Mama." Addie shifted away from Ben, knowing she had to leave him. She missed the warmth of his body as soon as they parted. In a sudden movement she reached out and pulled herself against him, her grip feverishly tight. "I can't let go of you."
“Addie, " he muttered, crushing her against his chest. She clung to him and welcomed the pain of it, needing to know that the violence of his love matched hers. "I want you every minute. I miss being with you. I want to hold you for hours." He bit her earlobe carefully and then buried his face in her hair. "One more kiss. And then go in the house."
Shivering, she offered her lips to him, and though the kiss started out tender, it ended in rough eagerness.
"Now, go," he said, though his heart was hungry for a few more minutes with her.
"Don't be distant with me tomorrow," she whispered. "When other people are around, you never look at me as if you love me."
"You wouldn't let me before. Remember? It wasn't my idea to keep our relationship a secret."
"I was uncertain about how I felt," she admitted. "Weren't you?"
"Never. I've known for a long time how I feel about you."
She felt overwhelmed by the knowledge of his love for her. It wasn't difficult to remember the days when she'd had no one but Leah. She remembered the rainy night when even Leah had been taken away from her. Now she had more than she'd ever dreamed of.
But like a shadow, the memories of Adeline crept through her mind, dark and indistinct, inescapable. For the rest of her life she would have that part of herself to contend with, and deep in the back of her mind there would always be an awareness of what she had once been. What had happened to make her that way? How could a daughter plot against her own father?
Suddenly she heard the echo of something Caroline had once said to her. "For a while I thought Daddy had finally done it-spoiled you rotten to the core."
That's what I was, Addie thought with shame and despair. Rotten to the core. Oh, was there any way of making up for what she'd done? Guilt was a tangible pain in her chest.
"I don't deserve you," she said, and Ben's mouth twisted.
"Why in hell would you say that?"
"I've done terrible things in the past. Things I can never tell you about. I'm not half as good or kind as I should be, and-"
"I never expected you to be some plaster saint, Addie. And as for not deserving me, of all people… " He paused and grinned. "Let's just say it's more likely you do deserve me. It's possible I'm the punishment for your sins, and marriage to me will be your penance. Have you ever thought of that? Now, give me one more kiss and leave, or I won't be able to let you go."
Halfway irritated at his cavalier attitude toward her guilty conscience, she offered her cheek to him instead of her lips. Why, she'd been trying to unburden herself to him, and he was downright flippant about her worries!
Ben laughed softly as he lowered his mouth to her cheek and pressed a kiss there. "Why the sudden change in temperature? You were warm enough a minute ago."
"I was trying to tell you about my faults, and you just-"
"I don't care about your faults. The ones I already know about don't matter, and I'll discover the rest soon enough."
"I'm trying to warn you-"
"That you're not what you seem on the surface?"
He smiled and settled his hands at her waist, pulling her closer. "I know that, and a few other things as well. You like to misbehave sometimes… ah, that may be a fault of yours, Addie, but I happen to like it very much. And another one-in bed you're one of the greediest women I've ever known-"
"Ben!" she exclaimed, color flooding her face. "-but I happen to like that too. You have other faults which I enjoy equally. Should I continue or have I made my point?"
Addie pushed hard at his chest in an effort to break his hold on her. "You're being crude and-"
"Addie!" They heard May calling again, this time more insistent than before. "It's time to come in right now."
"You heard her," Addie said impatiently. "Now, take your hands off me or we'll both get in trouble."
He grinned and kissed the tip of her nose. "That's a far cry from 'I can't let go of you.'" And he watched her with glowing eyes as she went into the house.
The next day Adeline discovered Diaz had left the ranch, despite his promise to talk to her before he went. No one could understand why she was so upset by his disappearance. When she started to complain to Ben as he strode out of Russell's office in the afternoon, he shrugged off Diaz's departure matter-of-factly.
"Most cowhands have to pick up and leave when they start to feel too settled-in. They're independent in a crazy way. They like to look out at the world from their saddles. The men out here can't stand any way of life that seems too civilized. They like things rough. They like their independence."
"What about you?" Addie demanded. "Are you going to pick up and leave when you start to feel shackled by a string of fences and a wedding band?"
"No, ma'am," he assured her promptly, his eyes twinkling. "I'm not your typical cowhand."
Her eyes made a pointed survey of his dirt-encrusted boots, worn-out Levi's, and blue cotton shirt. "You look pretty typical to me. How can I be sure you won't start to feel too settled-in and leave me?"
"Because I'm ready to belong somewhere. And I'd choose sleeping with you over bedding down on the trail any day of the week."
"Are you certain having a wife and a family of your own isn't too civilized for your taste?"
"Oh, I've always had a secret hankering for respectability. And I won't mind being thought of as a family man. Hell, Russ doesn't mind it."
"Yes, but he… " Addie bit her lip before blurting out that Russell wasn't quite the family man he seemed. Russell didn't share a bedroom with May, and in all likelihood he had a woman on the side. Nervously she cast a glance at the closed office door.
Ben seemed to understand. Casually he hooked an arm around her neck and lowered his mouth to her ear. "That won't happen to us," he murmured, and kissed her neck before letting his arm drop away from her.
Addie smiled uncertainly. "Well, considering the way you were brought up and your fancy eastern education, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised to find a civilized streak in you."
"We're all going to be civilized out here, and it won't take long, either. Not with the railroad spreading as fast as it is."
"So you expect things to change around here?"
"Mmm-hmmmm. Everything, even the cattle we handle. Lately there's been a demand for better beef than what we're gathering in and trailing up to Kansas. Longhorns are easy to take care of, but they're tough and stringy. "
"Weren't you and Daddy talking about breeding them with some better stock? Some shorthorns with more meat on them?"
"A lot of ranchers are talking about that. The problem is, shorthorns need more care and attention, and most of the boys don't want to fool with them. And breeding shorthorns means more fencing, which means soon there'll be so much wire around the district you'll have to cut your way to town. So… " He cast a glance up and down the empty halls before leaning over and stealing a quick kiss from Addie. "… the open range will keep getting smaller and smaller. And the East is going to keep spreading out here. And with all those changes going on, cowmen will have to change their way of doing things."
"So you're going to become a new kind of rancher?"
"Yes, ma'am, And I'll be one of the best."
"To think of what you could do if you only had some confidence."
He grinned at her before heading out the door. Addie smiled wryly and shook her head, standing in the doorway as she watched him leave.
Fall roundup had begun. To everyone on the ranch it was a roundup like any other. Calves born since last spring were weaned from their mothers, branded, and marked as the property of the Sunrise Ranch. Bulls were gathered in so they could be fed and tended during winter, while the older, unproductive cows were destined for slaughter. Plans were made to drive a huge herd of cattle to market.
Those things came to everyone's mind when the word "roundup" was mentioned. But to Addie it meant Russell was in danger, and if anyone would try to kill him, it would be now. She lay awake at night listening for the slightest sound, occasionally getting up and looking out the window until she saw the cowboy whose duty it was to watch the house that evening. After discovering the nightly patrol outside the ranch house each night, Russell had demanded to know the reason for it. Ben had treated the matter casually, giving little explanation except to say he felt it was necessary.
Still fussing about it after dinner-"Whose damn ranch is this anyway?"-Russell went to his office and soothed his own temper with two fingers of whiskey. Addie crept in surreptitiously to see him. His back was to the door, but it was obvious he was pouring himself a drink. She grinned as he tossed a guilty look over his shoulder.
"It's just me," she said, and he relaxed with a grunt.
"Honey, don't tell your mama 'bout this. I promised her I'd cut down on this stuff."
"Are you going to?"
"Yeah. Sometime. " He gestured her over and sighed with pleasure as the fire of the whiskey slid down his throat. "Whatcha in here for?"
"Oh, nothing. I just wanted to ask you about what you and Ben were arguing over-"
"Ben and his damn foolish notions," Russell said in disgust. "Havin' someone watch over the house at night… 'to protect the family,' he says, as if I can't protect my own family! And y' got Pete and Cade upstairs too! What does he think's gonna happen?"
"It might not be a bad idea. Everyone knows the Warners aren't too popular with the rest of the county:' Addie hesitated before adding, "I wouldn't put it past the Johnsons to murder a man in his own bed. Daddy, don't laugh-I'm serious."
"The Johnsons can't touch me." Russell smiled shrewdly. "My fence is goin' back up, an' there's nothin' they can do to stop it. And if they ever did get me outta the way, they still couldn't get their paws on my ranch, 'cause Ben's gonna be a part of the Warner family soon, and he'd tear it apart himself before l
ettin' Big George get hold of it."
But what if they made it look as if Ben is guilty of your murder? Addie wanted to cry out. That was what they'd done before. "All the same, there's reason to be extra careful," she said sharply. "And by the way, whenever you mention Ben marrying into the family, it sounds as if he's going to be Ben Warner. But I have a suspicion he likes his own last name and plans to keep it."
Russell laughed heartily. "The name don't matter to me, 's long as he marries my Adeline-"
"-and takes care of your ranch."
Russell chuckled and waved her out of the room before pouring himself another drink.
As several nights passed and nothing happened, Addie became less fearful. She started to let herself believe nothing would happen. There were many ways to rationalize things. Maybe Jeff had believed her warning and her threats. Maybe the Johnsons had decided it was too risky to send someone after Russell. Maybe the man they'd hired had already come and was frightened off by the sight of the cowboy watching over the house.
With roundup going on and May and Caroline making plans for her wedding, the ranch was overrun with activity. Addie missed Ben acutely, especially at night, but they had enough stolen moments together to take the edge off her hunger. Hardest of all were the hours when she lay in bed and knew that he was only a short distance away, alone in his small cabin near the main house.
Then finally the waiting became too much to bear and caution lost to desire. Addie had planned to be patient and content herself with the odds and ends of time they had together until the wedding. But she needed him now. She wondered how she could find a way to be with him, when May's watchful eye was on them both. She would think of something, in spite of the risk of someone catching wind of it afterward. By now propriety meant little to her.
As she schemed on how to find time alone with Ben, Addie realized the answer was ridiculously simple. Why not just walk out of the house and go to his cabin? No complicated tiptoeing around the halls at midnight, no whispered plans of how or when they could meet. Just sneak out after dinner. As the family ate heartily, she picked at her food, unable to chew and swallow when her mind was preoccupied with the night to come. She could feel Ben's eyes on her often, and she knew he'd noticed the hint of tension in her face. She could feel the warm blood in her cheeks and wondered if her color was high. Before the meal was finished, she pushed back from the table.