“That’s really sweet. I think I just need to sleep, though. I’m sorry. I know we were supposed to spend the night together.”
“It’s alright. Tomorrow night, though, wild horses won’t keep me away, okay?”
“Okay. Good night, Jake.”
“Sweet dreams, baby. Feel better.”
***
The next night, desperate to see her, I didn’t even call before heading to her apartment straight from work.
When she opened the door, her long blonde hair was tied into two pigtails, and she looked really tired. She also appeared to have lost some weight.
I pulled her into a tight embrace. “Baby, I missed you so fucking much.”
“I missed you, too.”
I lifted the brown paper bag in my left hand. “I brought Chinese from your favorite place.”
“Oh,” she said.
“What’s wrong, Nina? Talk to me.”
“Nothing. I just…don’t really have an appetite. I’m still not feeling well.”
“I’m sorry,” I said as I put the paper bag down and felt her head then kissed it gently. Her skin was cold.
My mouth lingered on her forehead when she looked up at me. “I’m the one who should be apologizing for being such a party pooper.”
“That’s okay. You can’t help it if you feel like crap.” I took her hand and pulled her over to the couch. “C’mere. Let’s sit down.”
She laid her head across my lap, and I caressed her hair. Her skin was pale and her breathing shallow.
I would take being close to her to anyway I could get and became angry with myself for getting turned on. Seriously, had I no shame? It just happened. The feel of her breath so close to my dick made me hard. It had been too long since I had been with her, and it was my body’s natural reaction. I closed my eyes and imagined the wart on my seventh grade teacher Mrs. Mortimer’s chin. Hairy. Wart. Wasn’t working. Shit.
She didn’t seem bothered by my erection, or at least, she didn’t say anything to that effect. She didn’t say much of anything at all, in fact. When I peeked down at her face on my lap, it surprised me that her eyes were wide open, like she was deep in thought. I had assumed the reason she was being so quiet was because she was falling asleep. Yeah, she wasn’t feeling well, but something else was wrong. Something was bothering her. I didn’t know how to explain it, but I could feel when Nina was sad in the same way I felt her pain when she cut her finger. It was a connection I had with her and no one else. Unfortunately, it did not extend to being able to read her mind.
“Baby, is everything okay?”
“I just have a lot on my mind. I have two exams this week, plus I told you about my friend, Skylar.”
“The girl with cancer?”
“Yes. I go see her every Wednesday. I talked to her today. She hasn’t been doing well. The chemo has been making her really sick.”
“Shit.”
“I am hoping I don’t have to skip going to see her this week.”
“Because you’re sick?
“I can’t be around her if she could catch something.”
“I think that’s awesome that you’re there for her every week like that.”
“Believe me…I’m the lucky one. If you met this girl, you’d know what I mean.”
“Maybe I could go with you and meet her some Wednesday.”
She laughed. “She’d love that more than you know.”
“Why do you say that?”
“She’s a sex-crazed teenager, and she saw a picture of you. She’s been asking me to bring you around. She calls you ‘Jake the beefcake.’”
I laughed. “She’s a hot ticket, huh?”
“You have no idea.”
Nina ended up falling asleep on me. I carried her into her room and tucked her in then went into the kitchen to heat up some Chinese food. Her roommate was away visiting her boyfriend in D.C., so we were alone in the apartment. As I ate in the quiet of her kitchen, I thought about how this night was nothing like I had hoped it would be after such as long absence. I wasn’t sure whether to wake her to say goodbye, leave a note, or just slip into her bed.
I opted to stay the night. It was just too tempting to lie next to her. She was still fast asleep when I took off my shirt and pants, leaving my boxer briefs on. I lifted the covers and lay down behind her, placing my hand on her waist. She didn’t even flinch. I listened to her steady breathing until I fell asleep.
At some point in the middle of the night, she sat up in bed and it woke me up. She seemed to be anxious and her breathing reminded me of how she acted during our plane ride to Chicago.
“Nina?”
She was shaking a little. “I just had a bad dream, that’s all. I’m fine.”
I began to cradle her. “You don’t sound fine.”
“Just hold me, okay?”
“Of course. I’ll hold you until the morning if you need me to.”
After a long silence, I thought she was about to fall back asleep when she asked me, “Are you going back to Boston again this weekend?”
She knew I went to Boston every weekend, so it was a strange question. “I was planning on it, yeah.”
“So, even after the divorce, you still plan to go every single weekend?”
She caught me off guard. “Yes. I mean…she’s alone all week with no family looking in. Does it bother you that I plan to go back every weekend?”
The fact that she didn’t say anything right away told me that it did.
It was dark, so I couldn’t tell whether she was crying when her voice shook. “It’s just going to be hard.”
I held her close to me, feeling suddenly petrified. “I know, Nina. Believe me, I know. This is why I didn’t want to get involved with anyone. But shit, I am in deep with you, and there is no going back. We’ll figure it out. We have to. Maybe you can come with me some weekends. I know my sister is dying to meet you.”
“Come with you to visit Ivy?”
“No, not to visit Ivy, but you and I will spend the mornings and nights together in Boston.”
“So, you’ll be with Ivy all day while I roam the city alone?”
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
“Nina…”
“It’s okay, like you said, we’ll work it out,” she said abruptly.
A sinking feeling came over me as we sat in silence. Suddenly, the seeds of doubt had been planted. Had I really thought this through? Was it realistic for me to expect her to accept my putting Ivy before her for the rest of our lives? It wasn’t fair. My sense of obligation to Ivy was strong, but it wasn’t stronger than my love for Nina. I had some serious thinking to do about how I was going to handle things. One thing was for certain: I wasn’t going to figure it all out tonight.
***
For the rest of that week, Nina made up an excuse every night not to see me. Tuesday, she claimed she was still sick. Wednesday, it was that she had returned late from visiting Skylar and needed to study. Then, it was more studying on Thursday. I knew better. If you want to see someone, you always make time, even if its just five minutes.
So, we never got together before I had to go back to Boston the following weekend. Ivy was having a tough stretch and had to be hospitalized again briefly while I was there. I had gotten very little sleep.
The entire weekend was a blur. Before I knew it, I was home in Brooklyn again. It was a never-ending cycle, and I was tired of it.
So fucking tired.
To make matters worse, Nina had not responded to me at all the Monday after I got back. It was the first day she had completely ignored my texts. The more time that passed without a response, the more hopeless I became. Add to that, the fact that Ivy was a mess when I left Boston, and I was in a bad place.
I had let down the person who needed me most, for the person I needed more than anything and managed to fuck up all of our lives in the process. The future was just one black hole now.
If Nina chose to leave me, a day wouldn’t go by when I wasn’t pini
ng for her. The thought of her moving on, having sex with other men, marrying someone else, having children with him, seriously made me want to hurt someone. I honestly didn’t know how I would handle it. She could leave me physically, but she would still be in my heart and in my soul forever. There would never be anyone else.
I had to get out of the apartment before I lost it. I grabbed my keys and jacket and left, walking down the street with nowhere to go. As it started to rain, I stopped inside a bar several blocks from home.
It was dark and loud and just what I needed to drown everything out. I sat at the counter fully intending to get fucked up tonight.
“Grey Goose straight,” I told the bartender.
As I sucked the first drink down in one shot, the two voices in my head were battling one another. There was the louder one telling me to never give up on Nina because she was mine and because I felt with all of my heart that she truly loved me. Then, there was that other voice telling me to let her go because she deserved better than to be with a man who could never give her a hundred percent. I wanted to destroy that voice completely, so I ordered another drink.
“I’ve never seen you in here before.” For the first time, I looked up at the bartender and noticed that she was an attractive blonde. She placed the small glass down in front me, her tits bursting out of a black leather bustier. Suddenly, the dark dingy bar had somehow transformed into Coyote Ugly.
“That’s because I have never been in here before,” I said, before drinking down the vodka.
“I would have remembered you,” she said flirtatiously before walking away to serve another customer.
Within a few minutes, she was back with another drink. “This one’s on me. What can I say? I have a weakness for guys with tattoos, especially gorgeous ones.” She winked.
“Thanks,” I said, guzzling that one down too.
She leaned in. “You seem down about something.”
“You could say that.”
“You want to tell me about it?”
“It’s too long of a story…um…what’s your name?”
“Lexie.”
“Lexie, it’s too long of a fucking story,” I repeated.
She moved closer up against the counter. It was hard not to look at her chest because it was staring me in the face. “Well, it’s a good thing I have time.”
I laughed under my breath. “You don’t. Not for this one.”
“What’s your name?”
“Jake.”
“Try me, Jake.”
The “fuck me” look in her eyes suggested she was referring to trying more than her attention.
“I’d really rather not get into it with someone I just met.”
She reached across the table and caused me to flinch when she planted a kiss on my cheek.
What the fuck?
“See…now, we’re old friends, Jake.”
“Well, old friend, I really don’t feel like going into it.”
“Does it involve a woman?”
“Yeah…a couple of them.”
“Well, any woman who would be dumb enough to let you go would have to be out of her mind.”
I shook my head in disbelief at how messed up and ironic that statement was. How did I end up here…both in this bar and in this miserable state? I checked my phone.
Where are you, Nina? Goddammit, I need you.
I didn’t know what came over me, but I started telling Lexie my entire life story. I must have been rambling for almost an hour. I guess I needed to let out everything that was eating away at me. By the time I had finished, she had served me more vodkas on the house, and I was off my ass.
When she walked away to tend to some new customers, I no longer had a distraction and the pain returned in full force. I checked my phone again to see if Nina had returned my calls, and of course, she hadn’t. I did have a voicemail…from Ivy.
I went outside to escape the noise of the bar and played the message. She was somewhat incoherent. Given that my mind was fuzzy on top of that, the only thing I seemed to be able to make out was ‘good bye.’
Shit. What was Ivy trying to tell me? She rarely called my phone. I speed dialed the main number for the group home as my heart raced. The night staff confirmed that she was in her room and okay after they checked in on her. Hearing her say “goodbye” had scared the shit out of me, though.
Still feeling uneasy, I walked back inside and stayed sitting at the bar until they closed. I think I almost passed out in my seat. That was the most I had to drink in a long time. It was time to get the hell out of there.
Things were hazy as I exited the bar. Even the cold air hitting my face did me no good. As I started the long walk home, an older white Volvo pulled up beside me.
“Jake…come on. Get in. I’ll drive you home.”
It was Lexie.
Without really thinking it through, I got in the car. It beat walking several blocks, feeling like crap.
Her car smelled like peaches, or was it her hair? I didn’t know. What I did know was that Lexie was bad news, and so was this decision I just made.
“Where do you live?”
“1185 Lincoln. It’s right over this Greek restaurant, Eleni’s.”
“Yup. I know that place.”
The streetlights and buildings we passed merged into one big blurred line. In less than ten minutes, we had arrived at my doorstep.
I turned to Lexie. “Thanks for the ride. I definitely had too much to drink…thanks to you.”
“Well, you were pretty upset when you walked in, and you needed to loosen up. After you told me why, I wanted to help even more.”
I slurred my words slightly when I said, “You did succeed in helping me get fucked up.” I laughed. “So, thanks…I think.”
“Anytime,” she said putting her hand on my knee. “And I mean that.”
“Okay…well, goodnight. Thanks again,” I said as I exited the car unusually fast, stumbling a little. I could tell she was disappointed that I wasn’t asking her in. Lexie was the type of girl I probably would have sought out a couple of years ago…sex with no strings or expectations. But Nina ruined me for other women. She was all I wanted.
I made it up the stairs and into the living room where I collapsed onto the couch while the room spun. I turned on the television and became fascinated by a Zumba infomercial. The dancers seemed to be jumping out of the screen and trying to merengue with me.
A few minutes later, there was a knock at the door. I pushed myself up off the couch and opened it.
Lexie.
She lifted up an iPhone. “Forget something?”
“Shit. Thanks,” I said, taking the phone. “How did you get up here?”
“You left the front door open. I knocked on the floor below, but the lady told me to ‘fuck off,’ so I figured door number three up here was the winner.”
Before I could bid her goodnight and send her on her merry way, she pushed her way past me onto the couch and crossed her legs as she sat down. With the thigh high black leather boots she was wearing, she looked like a whore.
“What are you watching?”
“Zumba.”
She started to laugh. “You’re funny, Jake.”
I lifted my index finger. “And drunk. Don’t forget drunk,” I said, joining her on the couch. I laid my head back. “Ditch the workout, join the party,” I mumbled.
“What?”
“Never mind.”
If I squinted my eyes, with her long blonde hair, Lexie almost looked liked Nina for a second. This girl was definitely sexy, but Nina was much prettier and classier.
A fucking angel.
Sexy alone just didn’t do it for me anymore. Actually, nothing except Nina did it for me.
Some time passed, but I was too out of it to know how many minutes. I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I knew, Lexie was topless and straddling me over my jeans.
She whispered in my ear as she moved over me. “You’re so fucking hot, Jake. I
want to go down on you.”
Fuck.
My dick was hard. I was out of it but not enough to ever make me want this. I couldn’t imagine giving myself in that way to someone else. I loved Nina. Even if she didn’t want to be with me right now, my body was hers.
I pushed her off me. “Lexie, get off.”
“I was getting off.”
“I meant get off of me. You should have never come in here. I really need to take a leak. When I come back out, I want you to be gone, okay?”
“I thought you wanted it. You were staring at my tits all night and look at you…you’re hard.”
“Lexie, with all due respect, you were sitting on my cock when I was asleep. It has a mind of its own. And as for your tits, maybe if you put them away, I wouldn’t have been staring at them. Now, please. You’re a very nice girl (…for a whore), but I told you earlier, I am involved with someone.”
I said nothing else before walking to the bathroom and taking the longest piss of my life. I must have been in there for ten minutes just sitting on the toilet while my head was spinning. A massive hangover awaited me tomorrow morning.
When I walked back out to the living area, Lexie was gone.
She was gone, but I wasn’t alone.
My heart. This couldn’t be happening.
Nina stood in the middle of the room with tears in her eyes.
Blood rushed to my head. “Nina? Nina…baby, what just happened? What do you think you just saw?”
She just continued to stand in front of me but said nothing as she licked the tears that were falling and held her eyes closed. She looked like she was about to hyperventilate.
God help me. This was so bad.
I tried to compose myself but was panicking inside. “That girl you saw…she drove me home from a bar. I had gone there because I was so sad over you. You weren’t answering my calls. I had too much to drink. She dropped me off and came back here when I left my phone in her car. Nothing happened, Nina. Nothing happened!”
She wasn’t saying anything. My heart was breaking. She didn’t believe me.
Fuck, I wouldn’t have believed me either.
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