“I didn’t sleep with her. I didn’t even kiss her. Nina, I swear on my father’s grave!”
She looked up at me.
I walked toward her, but she backed away. She was still speechless.
“Did she say anything to you?” I asked.
Nina nodded slowly with angry eyes. She let out a deep breath. “As a matter of fact, she did.” She spoke through her tears. “She asked me if I was Nina.”
I shook my head. “What?”
“And when I told her I was…she thanked me for abandoning my boyfriend long enough for her to fuck the shit of him.”
No.
This couldn’t be happening.
I was stunned and then shook my head vigorously. “No. No! Nina…nothing happened. I fell asleep. She came on to me. She…She tri—”
“Did you at least wear a condom?” she spewed at the top of her lungs, her face red and her lips twitching.
I became like a raging madman as I screamed again through clenched teeth, shaking my fists in the air. “Nothing…fucking…happened!”
She screamed back at me. “She was putting on her bra when I walked in. You expect me to believe that? What kind of fool do you think I am?”
One who loved me enough to believe in me.
Just then, Ryan emerged from the hallway. I wasn’t sure if he had been there the whole time or if he had arrived with Nina.
“Come on, Nina. Let’s get out of here,” he said, pushing her toward the door.
My voice was hoarse from screaming. “She’s not going anywhere.”
“The hell she isn’t,” he said glaring at me. “Haven’t you done enough damage in her life? Just let her go, Jake.” He pushed her toward the door as she continued to wipe her eyes. “Just fucking let her go.”
That unwanted voice in my head, the one that had been telling me all along to do just that because she was too good for me suddenly emerged in Ryan’s corner. If she didn’t believe me about Lexie then it might as well have been true. I would never be able to prove otherwise.
Ryan had her by the arm and led her out to the hallway. She looked back at me one last time with sadness in her eyes that shot through my heart like a dagger. Feeling her pain radiating through me along with my own, I was frozen, helpless and broken. That voice had won out. I let her go without a fight then she disappeared from sight. I wasn’t sure if I would ever see her again. The girl who had brought me so much joy, who had given me a reason to live, who penetrated my soul…was gone. It was the worst moment of my life.
Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, I looked down and noticed that I had missed a voicemail from Nina. She must have called earlier when my phone was in Lexie’s car. My chest tightened as I played it.
“Hey, it’s me. I know I have been distant this past week. I needed some time apart from you to understand what that really felt like…to see if living without you was even an option for me. And you know what? It’s not, Jake. It’s really not. I know that I need to sacrifice some things, namely my time with you, if we’re going to make this work. As you told me once, sometimes you have to withstand a little pain in life to experience a pleasure you otherwise wouldn’t have known existed. You’re my only pleasure, and I am telling you that you’re worth all the pain and sacrifice in the world. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, right? I need to see you tonight. There is a lot more I need to say. I am heading over there now. I hope you’re up. I’m sorry if I worried you. I love you so much.”
CHAPTER 28
Eighty-five: the number of times I played that voicemail.
Thirty: the number of days that passed before I would see Nina’s face again.
One: the number of major mistakes I would almost make after losing it when I finally saw her.
I spent the weeks after Nina left, trying to convince myself that it was for the best even though I was miserable. Not one night went by when I didn’t agonize over whether to go to her apartment and plead with her. I would always decide against it because I couldn’t handle causing her any more pain. If she didn’t believe me that night, she wasn’t going to believe me now. The way she looked at me when she walked away would forever be etched in my brain. It was a look of utter sorrow and disappointment. The memory haunted me. Even though I didn’t do anything wrong besides getting inebriated, I punished myself by sketching that look on her face repeatedly, so that I never forgot the bad decision that ruined me.
Ryan, Tarah and I didn’t talk at all. We avoided each other like the plague and I had started looking for another apartment.
Ironically, in a moment of clarity, Ivy had agreed to cooperate with the divorce and allowed me to continue as her conservator. It was the only thing going my way, but I wasn’t sure it mattered anymore now that I had lost the love of my life.
Aside from the paperwork, nothing had changed with Ivy. I was still going to Boston every weekend and actually spent more time at the home, even when she was at her worst. It helped get my mind off of Nina and to reassure Ivy that the pending divorce wouldn’t change my being there for her. I had all the time in the world now that I had nothing to rush back to in New York.
I didn’t care one way or the other about the divorce anymore. My family convinced me to go through with it, though, since there was now a post-marriage plan in place.
***
Back in Brooklyn one night, there was a knock at the door, and I opened it without checking the peephole.
Something hit me in the face and nearly broke my nose.
“What the fuck!?”
My hands covered my face, and I was about to punch the lights out of the person until I looked down at the weapon: a bag. It had a cheesy picture of a boy band on it. The assailant was a petite girl with no hair. The realization of who this was set in.
“Jerk!” she yelled.
I dabbed my nose again checking for blood. “Skylar?”
“That’s what you get for hurting my friend, ass nuts,” she said, brushing past me into the apartment.
Sarcastically, I said, “It’s nice to meet you too, finally. Come in.”
She dumped her bag and plopped down on the couch. She looked pale and weak. Fuck…this girl shouldn’t be here.
“Do you have any water?” she asked.
“Yeah…sure.” I rushed to the kitchen to pour her a glass and tapped my nose, which was tingling as I looked over at her. She clearly wasn’t feeling well. It amazed me that she would come all the way over here, sick and all, to stand up for her friend.
I handed her the water, and she took it, drinking it down.
I sat on the opposite side of the couch. “How are you feeling?”
“I feel like I look,” she said abruptly.
“How did you get here?”
“I took a cab.”
“Did you leave the hospital?”
She leaned back and kicked her feet up on the couch. “Look, I’m not here for small talk.”
“Okay.”
“Did you or did you not screw that tramp?”
I looked her keenly in the eye. “I swear to you that I didn’t. I swear. I know that Nina doesn’t believe me because of what she thinks she saw.”
She stared into my eyes then said, “I kind of figured that.”
“Figured what?”
“That maybe you didn’t.”
“Why’s that?”
“Because you would have to be an idiot to cheat on Nina. She has a heart like Mother Theresa and a body like Barbie. Well, maybe more like Badonkadonk Skipper. Anyway, she’s hot. She’s everything.”
Ain’t that the truth.
“You believe me?”
“To be honest, I wasn’t sure until I looked into your eyes just now. I have this intuition, and I think you’re telling the truth.”
Relieved, I let out a deep breath. “Thank you. Thank you, Skylar.”
She started coughing, and I immediately got up to get her more water before placing it on the coffee table and sitting back down.
“Anyway, she’s miserable. She is depressing the shit out of me and that’s pretty hard to do to someone who already has cancer.”
I chuckled even though I probably shouldn’t have. “What do you think I should do? Tell me. I’ll do anything.”
Was I really asking a 15-year-old for advice? Desperate times call for desperate measures. This girl did seem wise beyond her years, though.
“You need to grow some balls, man. Stand up for yourself until she sees nothing but the truth in your eyes. Take back what’s yours! It might take a hundred tries, but you can’t just give up.”
Shaking my head in agreement I was silent until it clicked. “Fight for her…”
She sat up and smacked my arm. “You’re a genius, Tommy Lee.”
Skylar stayed for about a half hour. She went on and on about some guy named Mitch and I just listened. It was the least I could do because the inspiration she just gave me was priceless.
I insisted on giving her money for the cab ride home. Before she walked out the door, she turned to me and said, “Life is short, Jake. You’re going to regret it for the rest of your life if you let her go.”
She was right.
“Skylar, I can’t thank you enough for believing in me.”
“Oh, wait…before I forget.” She took out her phone and put it on camera mode. “Stand up straight and push your muscles out.”
“What?”
“Just do it. Roll up your sleeves, so I can see your tattoos…and smile.”
I did what she asked, and she snapped a photo.
She winked. “Eye candy for the road.”
I shook my head in amusement as she walked away. She was a courageous soul. Did I know an angel on Earth when I saw one? I was pretty sure I wouldn’t know one if it punched me in the face.
***
Skylar’s visit had given me the courage I needed. The fact that even one person close to Nina had my back meant the world.
The following day marked exactly a month since Nina walked out of my life. I decided to take that Tuesday afternoon off to go to her apartment and try to talk to her. I hadn’t known what I was going to say but wanted her to look into my eyes and see that I was telling the truth.
It was a windy spring day as I walked from the subway station to her neighborhood in Park Slope. My stomach was churning, and my heart was beating rapidly as I recited what I wanted to say to her. I hadn’t smoked in months, but today, I really felt like I needed a cigarette. People walking by looked at me strangely because I was talking to myself and gesturing with my hands.
As I approached the brownstone where she lived, my heart sank. I immediately hid behind a large tree.
Nina was walking toward her steps, and she wasn’t alone. Some guy with brown hair and glasses had his arm around her. I couldn’t exactly make out his face, but what I did know was that he was wearing a Mister Rogers button down sweater and that I wanted to knock him out.
They sat down together on the stoop, and he took the sweater off, placing it on her shoulders. She bent her head back in laughter at something he said, and my chest constricted. It was like heaven for a split second seeing the joy on her face. She had my heart for Christ’s sake. How could it not feel good to see your heart happy? On the other hand, it was pure hell because it wasn’t me who put it there; it was all because of another man. I had never been more envious of another human being in my entire life.
Watching their every move, I stood frozen behind the tree. She looked so beautiful in a yellow dress that brought out her golden hair that was shining in the sunlight. I wanted so badly to run my fingers through it, to smell her, to hold her. Seeing her made me realize just how badly I had missed her.
He touched her knee, and my fists tightened in response. My heart was beating like crazy and I was sweating profusely.
Fuck, this was killing me.
He seemed to be telling her a story, waving his hands around, and every time she laughed, it felt like I was losing her a little bit more. I just stood there like a stalker, taking it all in. After several torturous minutes, they both stood up. Her back was facing me and my body began to shake when he leaned in to kiss her. I think I may have finally understood what Nina felt like when she was hyperventilating because I couldn’t seem to catch my breath.
I was really losing her.
I was numb. It shouldn’t have surprised me that someone came along to scoop her up so soon. She was a catch, and I was the fool who caught her and let her go. She loved me, and I managed to fuck it all up.
Mister Rogers hugged her goodbye and she was alone for a moment, watching him leave. Everything inside me wanted to run to her in that moment, but my body wouldn’t move. Then, she turned around, walked up the stairs and disappeared from sight.
All of the confidence that had built up in me earlier was depleted by what I had just witnessed. Skylar had said Nina was depressed and sad over me. The Nina I just saw seemed…happier without me. I wasn’t about to take that away. No fucking way. I loved her too much.
I wanted to numb the pain and almost went to a bar on the way home to drink myself into oblivion but then remembered that was how I got myself into this mess in the first place. Instead, I vowed never to drink again, so angry that alcohol destroyed my life.
Instead, I went straight home. Depressed could not even begin to describe my feelings.
Devastated.
***
The house phone rang the next afternoon. I normally wouldn’t have picked it up, but if there was a chance it was Nina, I wanted to hear her voice, even though I had vowed to stay away.
“Hello?”
“Is Nina there?”
It was a male and my body immediately went into attack mode.
“Who is this?”
“Spencer.”
“Spencer…”
“Yes. Is she there?”
Spencer: Nina’s prick ex-boyfriend.
My hands formed into fists and I tried my best to fake a cordial voice. “What’s this in regards to?”
“I’m her…old friend. I’m visiting a client in Brooklyn today and was hoping to stop by and catch up with her. I don’t have her new cell. I know she moved in with Ryan Haggerty. I had this number for him. This is his home phone, right?”
“Yeah. You have the right place.”
“So, is she there?”
“Actually…you just missed her. She walked down to the corner store and should be coming home in a few minutes.” I lied. “You’re welcome to come by and wait, man. It’s 1185 Lincoln.”
“Okay, I’ll do that. Thanks.”
This dude picked the wrong day to come into town.
Fifteen minutes later, he rang the front door and I buzzed him in. When he knocked on the apartment door, I opened it with a grin the size of Texas. I must have looked like I had just swallowed a container of happy pills. “Spencer!” I said loudly, patting him so hard on the back you would have thought he was choking on something. “Come on in.”
He was about the same height as me, wearing a gray suit and looked liked a typical yuppie. He was looking me up and down, clearly judging me. It made me sick that this guy had been with Nina. I gritted my teeth and cringed at the thought.
“Who are you?” he asked.
“I’m Jake. We spoke on the phone.”
“You live here…with Nina?”
“Yup. Make yourself comfortable.”
He walked over to the couch and sat down hesitantly. “You said she would be back in a few minutes?”
“Something like that…” I walked over to the kitchen, grabbed a banana then sat down across from him.
“So…” he said, smacking his hands together, looking uncomfortable.
Good. I was making him nervous.
I mocked him “So…” Peeling back the banana, I took a huge bite and spoke with my mouth full. “Nina’s told me a lot about you.”
He looked shocked. “She has?”
“You still getting off on ca
lling people down?”
“I am not following you.”
“You know, making people feel like shit to make yourself feel better…to make up for the fact that you have a small dick.”
He stood up. “What the fuck…”
“Don’t worry. Nina forgives you. See, after I got inside of her, she realized it wasn’t your fault at all that you never made her come. I mean, you can only do so much with what you have. The poor thing had nothing to compare it to.” I was laughing, shaking my head and said, “She thought that was normal!”
He stood up and pointed his finger at me. “You’re out of line.”
“You know what’s out of line? Cheating on a perfect angel of a woman who gave you her trust and her fucking virginity. Did you feel like more of a man? Because you look like a big pussy to me. You know, sticking it in more than one woman at a time won’t make it grow, Spence.”
He walked toward the door and turned around before leaving. “I don’t know who the fuck you think you are, but if Nina’s been with trash like you, she deserves every bit of pain I ever caused her.”
As he escaped, practically running down the hall, I yelled, “Leaving so soon? I was just about to put on a pot of arsenic!”
The front door slammed.
Yeah…I was losing it. But damn, that felt good.
***
A week and another trip to Boston later, I was still a mess.
One night after work, on my way in the front door, Desiree came out of the restaurant, wearing a black mini dress and stilettos. She looked more like a go-go dancer than a waitress.
“Hey, Jake.”
“Hey,” I said without making eye contact and continued to walk past her.
Her heels scraped the pavement. “Wait up.”
I turned around. “What?” Still depressed and angry, I was being short with her.
I hadn’t actually run into Desiree since she accosted Nina in the bathroom on our birthday. That turned out to be the best night of my life. Even now, a week after seeing Nina with another man, my love for her was still as strong as ever. Being apart wasn’t going to mean falling out of love with her. It would be about learning to live without her, despite loving her more than life.
Jake Undone Page 26