by Sara Noble
I'm a doormat, he thought, as a rough, icy fist squeezed his heart.
Makaela smiled through the tears. “You won’t see her anymore? Old friends or not, I don’t think I can handle you talking to her at all, not even on the phone.”
Connor reached over and pulled a tissue from the box on the nightstand. He handed it to Makaela and she wiped away the smeared mascara from her cheeks. “No, but I should let her know so she stops calling me. I’ll call her one last time.” His breath caught in his throat as he thought about the inevitable damage he was about to cause to the girl that he truly was in love with.
Makaela’s demeanor brightened even more. “You’re doing the right thing, baby, for everyone. We’re gonna get married soon and the public will watch and support us. It’s going to feel good to be admired and it will make your performance even better. You’ll win more races and become the star that you were always meant to be.”
“Yeah,” Connor said blankly while he mulled over that little speech. He envisioned the success of his team and all of his adoring fans. Then a little flash of Maddie appeared in his mind. He remembered making love to her those hot nights in Indianapolis and the way her mouth tasted when they kissed. He wanted all of that, too.
Connor pushed the visions of out his head. I can do this, he told himself. I can let her down gently; explain that I’m doing it for my team and that it’s for the best. She’ll understand; she wants me to be happy, even if means we can’t be together. He grabbed his phone from the floor and turned it off completely. He would have to settle everything in the morning. He would also have to let Lucas, and everyone else, know that the wedding with Makaela was back on. It hadn’t officially been canceled, but they all thought it was going to end up that way. He was sure everyone would be relieved and they could all go back to acting normal.
“Love me tonight?” Makaela asked while running her hand over his bare chest and then underneath his towel.
Connor didn’t say a word, only reached over to switch off the light and apologized to his fiancée by doing what she had asked.
***
Connor’s alarm buzzed at dawn. His head pounded at the thought of getting up to work on his car. He had barely slept the previous night and only wanted to close his eyes. A warm arm slung heavily over his body. For a second he thought it was Maddie, and then realized it belonged to Makaela. A pang shot through his chest when reality reached out and slapped him in the face.
“You gonna get up?” Makaela mumbled.
Connor slid out of bed and stretched. It was going to be another long day and one of the hardest he would ever have. He had planned on calling Maddie to let her know their relationship was over. It was going to be difficult for him to forget her and the time they spent together. But the championship was coming up and he had a wedding to plan with Makaela so he would keep his mind occupied with all of that.
Connor showered and shaved while Makaela drifted back to sleep in the bed. He kissed her goodbye on the forehead before heading out for the day. She stirred and smiled and then rolled over under the bedspread. Connor was sure she would sleep until noon and then probably hit up the mall afterward. It was doubtful she would show up in the garage to see him before dinner.
“Morning,” Connor announced to the guys, who were already hard at work under the car. He glared at Casey, who was perched on a stool, reading another mechanic’s manual. Casey’s expression fell when he realized he had been busted.
“Hey, boss. You up for another tough day?” Jackson was pumped and ready to dive into business. He had on the same greasy scrubs he wore the day before and his stench could be smelled a mile away.
Connor yawned. “Not really, but it’s gotta get done. I’ve got appearances later on after lunch. Hopefully you guys can handle it from there.”
Around eleven, everyone except Casey left for lunch. Connor stopped and considered giving Casey a piece of his mind. There was no way he was going to let it slide.
“You got something to say?” Casey asked in his heavy southern accent. His blue eyes peered up at the driver as he cranked the wrench under the hood.
Connor twitched. He knew it was going to be nasty. “Yeah, I do.” His anger took over and in a split second he was flying toward Casey. He grabbed him by his shoulders and shoved him against the concrete wall.
“Back off!” shouted Casey. His nostrils flared as he recovered from the surprise attack.
Connor didn’t let go. “You gotta a lot of nerve, man. I know you called Makaela and told her about Maddie,” he said through clenched teeth. He could feel the hot blood pumping through his veins.
Casey’s eyeballs bulged from their sockets. He opened his mouth to speak but only a quick gasp of air escaped.
“I’ll never trust you again.” Connor dropped him back on the ground, but didn’t withdraw from the confrontation. He stood eye to eye with Casey and stared daggers at him until he spoke.
“Sorry, Connor. I was just trying to make things right.”
“By sticking your nose in a place it didn’t belong? You knew I was going to talk to her on my own, but you just couldn’t help yourself, could you? If I didn’t know any better I’d think you’re trying to get in Makaela’s good graces. To hell with mine!”
“Look, if I didn’t do it someone else would have. Or she would have found out through the press. I honestly didn’t think you had the guts to tell her.”
Connor clenched his fists into tightly wound balls. He had so much anger, so much rage residing within him that he could have easily hit his buddy in the face. He restrained himself, knowing that he needed to keep his cool.
“You’re lucky I don’t throw you out on your ass! You stick to your job and don’t bother making nice with me. You’ve burned that bridge.”
“Is there a problem here?” asked Mason from the entrance of the garage. He had appeared out of nowhere and startled both the guys. He stood with both hands on his hips and waited for an explanation.
Connor backed away. “Nah. Not anymore.” He stomped out like a child throwing a fit, turning back one last time to glower at Casey.
The fight with his old friend had left Connor a grump all day long. He snapped at photographers and ignored fans that had snuck in the garage for some autographs. He thought that making a decision about his personal life would leave him with a sense of clarity and resolution; instead it left him with exasperation.
Maddie had sent him several more messages throughout the day. He loathed having to tell her that he chose to stay with Makaela. It was going to break her into a million pieces and probably ruin her for life. She’ll never want to speak to me again. But he had made his decision and he had to stick to it, even though the way things were going it didn’t seem like his life was going to get any better.
At the end of his hectic day, he found an empty conference room at the speedway office complex. He closed himself in and locked the door. It was his only chance to talk to Maddie without any interruptions. He slowly dialed her number and waited through two whole rings until she answered.
“Connor? Oh, I’m so glad to finally hear from you! Everything all right?” She had relief in her voice, yet she had no idea what was coming.
Connor took a deep breath. “Hi, Maddie. How are you?” He sounded very robotic, but felt it was necessary to help him keep cool.
“Fine,” she replied, suspiciously. “How are you?”
“I’m okay.” He paused for a moment. “Listen, I need to tell you something. Are you alone?”
“Yes, I’m just in my room. What’s up?” The relief in her tone had slowly begun to disintegrate. He could feel a wall of tension building up between the two of them.
Connor gulped. “Makaela is here. We talked about things last night.”
“Oh, yeah? And how did she take it?”
“Well, it turns out that Casey tipped her off about us. She flew in and confronted me in my hotel room. We had a long talk. We discussed our future and our plans to get married.�
��
“What are you trying to say, Connor?” Maddie’s voice shook with fear.
I hate myself for this.
“We decided to try to work things out,” Connor announced.
Long pause.
“Oh.” He heard her exhale deeply.
“That means you and I can’t see each other anymore.” The strangling lump in his throat had returned and it nearly choked the breath out of him.
Maddie was silent except for the light breathing that barely penetrated the airwaves. He knew she was falling apart and there was nothing he could do but let it happen. This is how it needs to be, he told himself again. She’ll recover.
“Maddie? Are you okay?”
“Hmm?” She softly whimpered on the other end of the phone. “Yeah, I’ll be all right.” She sounded dazed.
“I’m really sorry. I know I told you that I was ready to let her go, but I had a little time to think about it and well, it just makes more sense for things to stay the same and to go on as planned. I was about to destroy my career and everyone who works with me would have been affected. I hope you understand.”
Maddie sniffed and her voice was weak. “Yeah, whatever, Connor. I get it. You need to uphold your status. Yep, I get it.”
A pang shot through Connor again and his own body shuddered at the revelation. He still loved Maddie, but it was wrong for them to be together. She was hurt; he was hurt, yet everyone else would be happy. The fewer casualties, the better off we will be.
“Okay, well I better go.”
“Yep,” Maddie muttered and sniffed the sorrow back some more.
“It would probably be best if we didn’t speak for a while. It could complicate things even further.”
“Yep,” she agreed.
“Bye, Maddie. I’m really sorry.”
Silence.
She hung up before he could speak another word.
Chapter 14: Maddie
“Maddie! You wanna come watch the race with us?” Hank yelled from the living room. He was in his usual position on the sofa with a cold beer in his hand and his Connor Gray cap on his head. Grace sat beside him, half watching the race and half working on a crossword puzzle.
Maddie was curled up in her bed upstairs, still reeling from the break-up phone call she received from Connor a few days before. Desperate tears slid down her cheeks and her eyes burned from crying for the last four days. Besides the burning, the rest of her body was numb. She had barely eaten since that night and only wanted to sleep. She called in sick to work, which worried her friend Melissa. She had come to check on her the night before, but Maddie wouldn’t speak about what had happened.
Grace appeared in the doorway and studied her daughter. “Madelyn, what’s going on? Why won’t you talk to us?” She sat beside her on the edge of the bed. “I’m really starting to get worried. I know you’re not really sick. Did something happen with Connor?”
Maddie sniffed and more tears came falling out her eyes. She squeezed them shut tight so her mother wouldn’t find the answer to her question. She had considered telling her, but was too ashamed and embarrassed to explain it. Not to mention the fact that it hurt to recount the words he spoke to her the night he tore out her heart.
“It was Connor, wasn’t it?” Grace gently stroked Maddie’s long brown hair that lay in a tousled mess on her pillow. Maddie was perfectly still, not wanting to give it away. She knew her mother would find out sooner or later, whether she would get a phone call from Patty or maybe even see Connor on TV with Makaela at his side.
“Honey, I gave Patty a call. She’s not answering. Did you all have a fight while you were in Indy?”
“Just leave me alone, Mom.”
Grace sighed. “Madelyn, I can tell that something terrible happened. You were so happy when you got home from your trip. I don’t understand. Please talk to me.”
She’s not going to give up. Maddie rolled over to face her mom. “Okay, fine. You really want to know?” She could see the concern in Grace’s eyes. Her mom may have been nosy, but she was as caring as a mother hen. She had helped Maddie through her break up with Billy last year and actually supported her more than anyone else had. Grace nodded and waited for her to explain.
Maddie inhaled deeply. “Yes, it was Connor. He lied to me. He told me he was going to leave his fiancée to be with me. He let me fall for him and then he decided to stay with Makaela. That’s all you need to know.”
Grace wasn’t satisfied. In fact, she looked absolutely frustrated. “But why? How could he do such a thing?”
“Well, he said he didn’t want to ruin his career.” Maddie sniffed and let more tears fall onto her pillow.
“How could you ruin his career?” Grace leaned in to wipe away her daughter’s tears.
“He said his fans were looking forward to him getting married to that blonde bimbo. If he upset his fans then he was afraid he would lose his sponsors, or something like that. I don’t fully understand it. He had said all that didn’t matter to him anymore. Apparently, it still does.”
“I don’t understand, either; no wonder Patty won’t return my call. She’s probably just as upset. I know she adores you and not the other girl.”
“She doesn’t adore me, Mom. She’s just as deceiving as Connor. She acted like she wanted me to break them up. Then, at the last minute she told the owner of the team that Connor was cheating on his fiancée. That’s another reason why he broke up with me; Lucas was mad that he was leaving Makaela.”
Grace shook her head with her eyes closed, as if she was imagining all of it in her mind. “Why would she do that? Connor’s a big boy. He can make his own decisions.”
“I guess she realized that it would be a mistake for Connor to be getting involved in a new relationship right now. It’s all about his career as a driver. They want to keep winning races and raking in the money. No one gives a crap if he’s really happy. I know he was happy when he was with me. I could see it in his eyes.” Maddie’s voice wobbled through the explanation.
“Oh, God, Maddie. I hope you didn’t…”
Maddie held up her hand. She knew her mother was going to mention sleeping with Connor. “Mom, I’m not going there with you.”
Grace frowned and her face suddenly aged about twenty years. When her daughter was hurt, she hurt, as well.
“Honey, I’m sorry that this happened. I had no idea you and Connor had gotten so close. I thought you were just friends, like the old days. I never imagined he would do this to you. He seemed like such a good guy.”
“I thought he was, too,” Maddie said blankly as she stared at the floor. A single tear slid down her blotchy cheek.
Grace had good enough sense to change the subject. “Can I fix you something to eat? I noticed you haven’t been eating much.”
“I’m not hungry.” Maddie continued to stare coldly at the floor while her mother tried to comfort her.
“Maddie, you can’t do this to yourself. Don’t let him make you sick. You need to pick yourself up and move on. You did it with Billy, so I know you can do it now.”
“This isn’t the same, Mom. He's different than Billy. This time it’s worse.”
Grace stood and backed up toward the door. “I’m going to bring you up a sandwich. You need to eat. I know you hurt and I know you feel like it’s the end of the world, but you need to move on.” Her tone was firm, but loving. Maddie knew her mother was right, but didn’t want to accept it.
“Mom,” Maddie whispered before she left. “Don’t tell Daddy, okay. I don’t want him to know.”
Grace rested her cheek on the door jam. “Okay. Just promise me you will eat and try to get up out of bed. Maybe you can go back to work tomorrow.”
Maddie shrugged. “I’ll try. I’m not going to forget this over night.”
A few minutes later, Grace brought up a plate of food and set it on the nightstand beside the bed. Maddie nibbled on the turkey sandwich, but it was tasteless to her. She could barely eat half of it because it made
her stomach turn. She set it aside and climbed out of bed. Suddenly a hot shower sounded nice.
Maddie tiptoed down the hallway, careful not to alert her mother that she was moving around. She didn’t feel like discussing her woes again; she just wanted to be alone. The hot water sprayed on her back and soaked her hair. It had been a few days since she had cleaned herself up, which only reminded her of how pitiful she had become. She had felt just as dirty on the outside as she did inside. She stood there for a long time while the horror movie kept playing over and over in her grief stricken mind.
It wasn’t long before Maddie realized that unloading the baggage to her mother had subsided the numbness and brought back the pain. A horrible stabbing sensation buzzed throughout her body, bringing her to her knees on the floor of the shower. She trembled as she cried, but didn’t stop herself. The feeling consumed her and soon she was heaving up the little bit of food that swirled in the pit of her stomach. She gagged and choked; her nasal cavities burned as fluid and water were involuntarily sucked in and purged out. The extra pain caused her to cry louder and more forcefully. She was angry with herself for letting it control her. She pounded her fist at the tiled wall, trying to prove that something could hurt worse. She was wrong, even though her knuckles bled and her bones ached. It wasn’t as painful as losing Connor.
The water soon ran cold as Maddie crouched in the corner of the tiny space. Low, drawn out moans rattled from deep in her chest. She shivered from the lack of heat, yet she couldn’t bring herself to get up and dry off. The cold numbed her again. She sat there and began to think of the time she had spent with Connor. She remembered feeling his body press against hers for the first time. She thought of the way he kissed her and how he made her body rumble with ecstasy. Most of all, she dwelled on the moment he had said he’d loved her; at that instant she knew she could never love anyone more. She was convinced he was her soul mate and believed that they would never be apart.
Knock, knock, knock!