Book Read Free

Pearl

Page 16

by Weisman, C. E.


  She flinched. “Why are you being so cold?”

  “Do you have to ask? Pearl, I know you have feelings for me. I am not going to play stupid, as though all you used me for is to learn to ride. I also know what riding does for you. And even if you take me out of it, I hate the idea that you are not able to do that anymore.” His anger melted. “You’ll suffocate if you don’t ride.”

  She didn’t want to confess that he might be right. “You don’t give me enough credit.”

  “You’re just like me, that’s how I know. It’s in you now, and you won’t be able to let it go.” He smiled sadly. “I’m not ready to let you go.”

  “I was never free to have.” Her voice was filled with remorse.

  “Maybe not,” he acknowledged. “But for a moment there, I thought it could be possible.”

  She dropped her head to his chest, resting it there longer than she should before stepping out of his grasp. She opened her door with steady fingers and gave him a sad smile. “Maybe I’ll see you around? Always Sammie and Sam’s wedding.”

  He turned his head toward the stable. “Want to say bye to Molly?”

  She felt the lump in her throat and shook her head. “No, I can’t.”

  He nodded in understanding. She started the car, sitting stiffly in the seat, watching Ben, who was watching her. She closed her eyes and drew a breath, hoping to breathe in his courage, enough to make her remember, and enough to make her move on. She opened her eyes, and he was gone.

  CHAPTER 18

  Pearl didn’t miss the downpour of April showers as the May sun found its way back to Oregon. The brightening change of weather was not all that was new on the farm. Roy kept his word. He was light again, as easy as a man like Roy could be. But he was the Roy Pearl knew, the one she had once worshipped.

  The beer cans were missing in the trailer, as was the wrath of what followed the booze. Thirty days was enough for Pearl to begin to breathe calmly again, and to safely speak in a way that didn’t make her tremble in fear of the repercussions.

  May brought a new steady job for Roy, one in which he was off the farm four days a week. And even though the urge to ride was almost too overwhelming to imagine, Pearl kept her word. If Roy was willing to try, then so could she. She put aside her pleasure to make her marriage work.

  It was difficult at times to keep her mind occupied, though she did everything she could to stay busy. She baked constantly, trying new recipes to win Roy’s approval. She scrubbed the walls and the floors and dusted corners that she had already cleaned that day. She repainted the interior a cool sky blue to add some light to the trailer. She planted flowers around the driveway, hoping the beauty would make her smile. She dazed off in a hazy fog as she swept the trailer steps and hosed the driveway. She curled up on Roy’s lap as he watched the Mariners play ball. She told him she loved him as he lay her down on the bed at night, though she closed her eyes to envision a warmer set of brown eyes. She held back tears as she helped Sammie pick out a gown, flowers, and a venue for her wedding. She kept her sights out for Ben, but didn’t dare speak his name. She hosted a bridal shower and took on the job of stamping invitations. She did everything she could to keep herself from thinking. She wouldn’t allow her mind to wander to the place she wished she could be.

  On the farm, she avoided Cindy for fear that her rage at that wicked woman could get her thrown in prison. It was at Vernie’s Pearl felt most like herself, where she didn’t have to put on a show. She could just be. It was the only place, next to the time she had been riding with Ben, that she felt the most whole.

  “I tell you,” Vernie said as they soaked up the mild sun on Vernie’s cottage porch. “I can’t remember a time I’ve seen my Roy so happy.” She sipped her moonshine and lit a Virginia. She passed her smoke to Pearl, but Pearl refused. The idea of smoking for Roy’s sexual attraction had lost its appeal.

  Vernie raised a brow. “Good for you.” She took a deep drag. “I should have quit long ago.”

  Pearl helped herself to a glass of whiskey, staring off at the deep fields before her. Vernie studied her wearily. “Roy is in uncanny high spirits, and yet, my Pearl, I watch you slipping, falling deeper and deeper into sadness.”

  Pearl nursed her drink, unable to lie to her friend. It didn’t seem to matter; Vernie saw right through to Pearl’s truth.

  “What’s keeping you here, Pearl?” Vernie asked sincerely, leaning forward in her chair toward Pearl. “Can’t just be old me and the moonshine.”

  Pearl grimaced, knowing all too well it would be hard to leave Vernie. But that wasn’t why she stayed. “I want to be here,” she said. “I want my marriage to work.”

  “Your marriage is not one to go bragging about. I’d’a run a long time ago,” Vernie said without shame.

  Pearl cast her dazed expression to the whiskey twirling in her glass. “I guess I’m afraid to go home.”

  “Afraid? Of your daddy?” Vernie asked in surprise. “I didn’t take him for an angry man. You only talk the best of him.”

  “No, it’s not that,” Pearl said, shaking her head at Vernie’s misunderstanding. “I’m not afraid of him. Not physically, anyway.” Pearl collected her thoughts, not sure if she’d ever really considered her reason before. “It’s just that when my mom left, she broke her wedding vows, and I saw what it did to my dad. I’d feel so guilty going home, knowing what I did to Roy. I’m sure my dad wouldn’t understand. He knows what heartbreak I’d be causing.”

  Vernie grunted. “I’m sure your father wouldn’t blame you if he had any idea what was going on here.”

  Pearl shook her head wildly. “I could never tell him that. He must never know. And see, that’s the difference there. My mom,” Pearl paused. “She left to go make something of herself. At least she had that. She followed her dream. Even if it didn’t include us, I have to respect her for that. But me? What have I done?” Pearl shook her head. “Nothing. I’ve done nothing. I’d be returning a complete failure.”

  Vernie grasped Pearl’s hand fiercely, forcing Pearl to meet her eyes. “You’d be returning a survivor.” Pearl’s eyes swelled with tears as Vernie continued, “Now, I love you like you are my own, but, my sweet Pearl, I’d run like hell if I were you, and never once think for a second of turning around.”

  If only following Vernie’s advice were that easy. The idea of running was like tasting sweet candy on her lips but never actually taking the bite. It was so very tempting, and yet she just couldn’t muster up the strength to take that first step. Could she leave Roy for good? Could she leave this farm, her sweet Vernie and Sammie? Could she walk away knowing that she would never see Molly, or, even worse, never see Ben again? It seemed unbearable. For that alone, she intended to stay.

  And then there was the gun.

  She didn’t dare mention the revolver she found under the bed when she was cleaning. She didn’t know why Roy would have such a gun; it wasn’t as though it was for hunting. She had picked it up carefully; she’d never touched a gun before. When the shock subsided she wondered, could she use it? If things went bad again, would she have the courage to turn the gun on Roy? She was afraid of that answer, because in truth it actually made her feel safer knowing where the gun was, that she could reach for it if she needed to.

  Pearl took another sip of her drink, her ear catching the low tempo of music. “What are we listening to today?”

  Vernie’s concerned attention turned to delight. “You’ll never believe it. I went and found my old record player when I was cleaning out the closet. Dusted it off, and it works like new. Been catching up on all my old favorites!” She closed her eyes and hummed. “This James Taylor record takes me back to high school. Now, those were some good days.” She grinned dreamily.

  Pearl did her best to smile at Vernie’s happiness. “I’d never know.”

  Vernie opened her eyes to the vacant depths of Pearl’s expression. “No, I suppose you wouldn’t. But tell me, Pearl, you must have a place in your heart that takes
you back, makes you smile. Maybe when you were a child, maybe when your mama was around?”

  “I don’t remember much of my mom,” Pearl admitted. She looked away from Vernie, back out to the fields. “But I do have a place I think about.”

  Pearl’s words were cut by the sound of Cindy’s Buick blaring up the drive. Seeing Cindy for the first time in a month, since before her last fight with Roy, was enough to set Pearl’s blood boiling. She gritted her teeth as Cindy bounced from the car. Vernie stubbed out her cigarette, huffing all the while about nuisances and evil women.

  “Vernie,” Cindy called out. The children’s heated argument in the back seat echoed through the open land. “I gotta run into town. Can you help me with the kids?”

  Vernie glared down at her, a look Pearl was surprised to see coming from her gentle friend. “Not today, Cindy. I think it’s time you start looking for help elsewhere.”

  Cindy’s mouth dropped open as Vernie turned toward the house, grabbing her bottle of moonshine. “I’m heading inside where it’s not quite so chilly,” she said, enunciating the last word.

  Pearl was on Vernie’s heels when Cindy cried out to her. “Pearl, please, I’m in a tough spot. Can you help? It won’t be for long.”

  Pearl took a deep breath before spinning around back to Cindy. She crossed her arms as she walked down the front steps, coming nose to nose with the woman who had made her life torture. “You want me to help you, after what you did to me?”

  Cindy smiled her flirtatious smile that made Pearl’s stomach turn. “Of course, we’re family, Pearl. You know I’m always here for you if you need me.”

  Pearl took another step forward, causing Cindy to stumble back. The kids in the car stopped fighting and looked up through the window. “You’re here to make my life hell by telling lies to Roy.”

  Cindy rolled her eyes. “Oh, that’s what you and Vernie are all pissy about?” Cindy stiffened her back. “As I see it, you should be thanking me.”

  Pearl’s mouth dropped open. “Thanking you?”

  Cindy nodded. “All Roy had to do to change was hit rock bottom. I know what he was doing to you up there. I figured if it got too bad, he’d have to stop.” She smiled. “Problem solved.”

  Pearl tasted so much bile in her throat she was afraid that if she opened her mouth, only vomit would come out. Her eyes flashed as she stared Cindy down. Her hands were locked in fists that so desperately wanted to pound Cindy to the ground, and she had to remind herself that children were watching.

  Cindy hopped back in the car. “You’ll see, Pearl,” she said as she turned the engine on. “You’ll get that I just had your best interests in mind.”

  Pearl stood blazing as Cindy pulled away. She was so engulfed in rage she didn’t even feel Vernie’s arms around her. “Come on now, precious Pearl, let’s not let her ruin our day.” She guided Pearl back to the house. “I need to soak you all up while I still got you.”

  When Pearl returned home, Roy’s truck was in the drive. She opened the door hesitantly to the silence of the trailer, and poked her head around the empty room. She heard a scuffling sound coming from the bedroom. Slowly she crept down the hall, resting her hand on the bedroom door for a moment before slowly turning the handle. Roy stood beaming, holding a hanger adorned with black lacy fabric.

  “What is that, Roy?” she asked, eyeing the slinky dress.

  “It’s for you, baby.” Roy grinned proudly. “Taking my girl out to dinner tonight—thought I’d splurge and buy you something real pretty.”

  “Are you sure that wasn’t in the nightgown section?” she asked timidly.

  Roy’s face fell. “Don’t you like it?”

  “Of course I do,” she chirped. “I just thought it was a little showy for your taste.” She eyed him cautiously. The Roy she had seen on the farm would have never let her leave the house in something so revealing.

  Roy handed her the dress. “I have the best-looking wife in town. You bet I’m gonna show her off.”

  Pearl swallowed hard. She took the dress from Roy as he slipped out of the room to anticipate her grand entrance. She pulled off her worn jeans and faded T-shirt and glided the tight fabric over her slim body, the thin straps digging deep into her shoulders. She looked down and could see her small breasts bursting out of the wire cups. She tugged the dress down, pleading with it to touch her knees, but it continued to bounce back up. She looked at herself in the mirror, satisfied that she looked too much like a hooker to imagine Roy would let her out of the house like this. She tousled her hair for effect and stepped out of the room. Roy’s mouth dropped.

  “Baby, we may not make it to dinner with how hot you look in that.” He curled an arm around her waist and pulled her close. “But we can wait for that.” He kissed her passionately, just long enough for Pearl to taste the distant sour tang of beer. Her heart sank.

  “Let’s go, baby. I want to show these guys what Roy Blackwood comes home to every night.”

  As Roy parked the truck, Pearl sank deeper into her seat. She saw the multiple cars that were heading to the same restaurant as they were, and she wanted to hide. Roy opened his door, jumping out of the truck with glee in his step. She closed her eyes, wrapping her arms tightly around the sweater she grabbed at the last minute when Roy ran out the front door. Pearl counted her breaths as she exhaled, startled when Roy slammed his hand on the hood of the car. Her eyes flew open.

  “Come on, baby,” Roy said, with slight annoyance in his tone.

  She stepped out of the truck, pulling the sweater tighter around her chest.

  “What’s with you tonight?” Roy asked. “You didn’t seem like you liked your dress, and now you won’t get out of the truck.” He shook his head. “All I’m doing is trying to do something nice for you.”

  Pearl eased a smile at him as they walked through the door. “Of course, Roy. I’m just cold is all.”

  “Well, cold or not, I want you to lose that sweater. I didn’t buy you that dress so you could cover up.”

  She nodded, slipping the sweater from her shoulders.

  He wrapped an arm around her and leaned into her ear. “See now, that’s better. I like it when you tease me. It’ll be hard to sit through dinner, looking at you.” He straightened with a smile. “Now, let’s go show these women how your husband spoils you.”

  The waitress sat them at an open table in the middle of the room. The place was busy even for a Saturday night, but not so engaging that the customers didn’t stop to stare as they found their seats. Pearl tugged at the fabric, hoping the lace would cover her exposed breasts. The dress was too snug around her waist for her to sit or eat comfortably. The waitress was back before Pearl could open her menu, a bottle of merlot in her hand. Pearl looked to Roy for his reaction as she began to pour the wine into his glass. He stared, his eyes shimmering as he followed the bottle as it made its way to Pearl’s glass. She didn’t say a word as the waitress talked on about sampling their vino special. Roy licked his lips and then smiled at Pearl. “Well, what’s one drink? We’re celebrating!”

  He took a sip of the wine before foregoing his etiquette and gulping it down. His eyes flashed as he licked his lips, craving more. Pearl couldn’t stomach taking one drink. She set her menu down, settling only for a small garden salad. Roy ordered the special, never acknowledging her lack of appetite.

  “What are we celebrating, Roy?” she asked as their dinner was served.

  Roy cut through his bleeding steak, sucking the juices through his teeth. She looked away, disgusted, just as Ben walked through the door.

  Roy chuckled. “You’ll never believe it, baby. J.T. Tucker saw the work I was doing down at Ray’s and he got so jealous he said something about wanting me back on his team. Can you believe it? I bet I could scrape a little more cash from him this time. Maybe even start a bidding war!”

  Pearl tuned Roy out as she watched Ben examine the crowd. Her breath escaped her as she absorbed the sight of him. She had spent too long trying to erase
his beautiful face from her mind, and then in one glance her hunger for him returned. His eyes met hers immediately. He scanned down her face, his eyes blazing as he honed in on her revealing dress. Ben would know in an instant that this was not Pearl’s choice. Pearl had faith that he would know she would never propose to expose herself this way.

  He turned to leave but was pushed forward by a little brunette looking up at him and smiling, practically standing on his feet.

  Pearl dropped her gaze. Ben was here, and he was on a date, and she was in a horrifically slutty dress with the man she was trying her damnedest to adore. It was all too much for her. She pushed her seat back, with all intention of heading to the bathroom before her tears fell down her cheek. Seeing Ben pushed the unwanted desires forward that she had been denying. Seeing Ben with another woman just about brought her to her knees.

  She stood, just as a burly man made his way to the table, his tongue dragging over his lips at the sight of Pearl. She quickly fell back into her seat.

  “Well, looky what Roy brought out tonight,” the stranger purred.

  Roy looked up at the man who towered over their table. A proud smile pursed his lips. “Just a regular Saturday night with the wife. How’s it going, Joe?”

  Joe pressed his damp lips into a twisted grin, his eyes still on Pearl. She turned away to see Ben seated in the far corner. She would have to stretch to see the girl he was with. Ben raised his eyes, catching Pearl’s stare. He smiled softly.

  “I can see why you’ve been staying home, Roy.”

  Pearl turned her gaze back to the table as Roy draped an arm over the back of her shoulders, pulling her toward him. Her gaze dropped from the brawny man, knowing without doubt his eyes were on her breasts. It made her sick, and her throat closed up. She reached for her water, realizing the glass that held her wine was now gone.

  “So, Roy,” Joe said. “Will we be seeing you next Friday at Ricky Bloodhound’s place? We’ve been short a poker player since you’ve been…” Joe smirked at Pearl. “…busy. But if you don’t come back soon, we can’t hold your spot anymore.”

 

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