Sarah's Education

by Madeline Moore

  Sarah shrugged. ‘My paper was perfect. Anyway, how do you know I didn’t show up?’

  ‘He said so.’

  ‘He talked about me?’

  ‘Yeah. He asked if you were sick or something, since you didn’t keep the appointment. I said I didn’t know.’

  ‘Anything else?’

  ‘Nothing else to do with you. We talked about my paper.’ Christopher shrugged. ‘Actually, I didn’t deserve more than a B. He was fair.’

  ‘Good.’ Sarah took the cup from Christopher and had another sip. For a few moments they sat in silence, enjoying the familiar sights and sounds of the student body at play. Hard to believe it’s all over. Though we still have Grad. to get through.’

  ‘Not me. I fly out tomorrow morning.’

  ‘You’re not staying for Grad.? C’mon, Christopher! It won’t be the same without you.’

  ‘Time to get my ass back to the island and get to work.’

  ‘Where?’

  ‘One of my uncle’s hotels. I get to pick my job because I’m family. Maybe bartender or maître d’, maybe work in the casinos. You’d like that, I think. Dealing blackjack or baccarat. Big spenders, even in the low season.’

  ‘I probably would.’

  ‘So come with me. We can spend the summer together, really getting to know each other. In the fall you could go with me if you wanted or keep working for my uncle.’

  ‘It’s tempting,’ she said.

  ‘So do it! I think we have something, Sarah.’

  ‘Me too. We have a great time in bed. And we’re good friends. But …’

  ‘I know. You think I’m too vanilla. I wish I’d known you liked it rough. I would’ve accommodated you.’

  Sarah laughed. ‘Thanks.’

  ‘I never pegged the historian as a kinky brute.’

  ‘It wasn’t David. We broke up.’

  Christopher’s face brightened. ‘Great! I mean, I’m sorry if you’re sad but he wasn’t right for you. So who –’

  ‘Forget about it!’

  ‘OK. Then just tell me why.’

  ‘Why what?’

  ‘Why do you like to be – you know – beaten?’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘Really. No idea?’ Christopher frowned. ‘Big-time thinker like yourself has no clue?’

  ‘Not really. It’s not about dealing with an abusive childhood. I know that much. It’s not about low self-esteem. If anything, my self-esteem is a bit too high.’

  ‘Maybe it’s a relief to be debased.’

  ‘Yeah. It’s different, you know? I’ve been told I’m good and smart all my life. And I’ve believed it.’

  ‘Well, it’s true.’

  ‘So fine. I think I just like to play that I’m bad and dumb. I think all the time, as you do. But when one is subjected to that kind of pain, and perhaps called a few degrading names as well, believe me, there’s no cognitive thought going on. Just sensation.’ She shrugged. ‘How to explain what turns a person on? There’s a lot of ways to express sexuality and I’m OK with it, whether I understand it or not. You know, as long as it’s consensual, between adults. After that, I’m pretty much of a mind to say, Whatever floats your boat,” and leave it at that.’

  Christopher stood. Though it was spring, he wore a sweater and jeans. He stretched long and slipped his hand into the front pocket of his pants. ‘If you like it rough, I’m willing to give it a try. I looked it up online. I think it’d be fun to give you a spanking. Seriously. We can start right now.’

  The term ‘long drink of water’ occurred to Sarah. What a doll Christopher was! She could just imagine him in his home environment, wearing nothing but a pair of cut-offs. Yum.

  Christopher produced a pocket knife and made a show of inspecting the trees on the property. When he found what he was looking for he started sawing at a thin branch. ‘I’ll give you a good switching, you little, um, bad girl,’ he said.

  Sarah smiled. It was sexy, watching him strip the leaves from the branch. And it would make a fine percussion instrument. She could practically feel it now. Maybe …

  Christopher began switching the tree. ‘Take that! And that! I’m Luke Skywalker and I say the Empire must die!’

  ‘Christopher …’

  ‘Who’s your daddy now, Darth Vader! What’s that? You’re my daddy? Argh!’ Christopher pretended to impale himself on the branch. It broke. Damn.’

  Sarah went to him and stopped him before he could desecrate any more foliage. ‘Your debt to me has been paid, Christopher.’

  ‘I know. And thank you again for the loan.’

  ‘It wasn’t a loan.’

  ‘Well, I intend to pay you back after I become a celebrity.’

  ‘And as we all know there are so many celebrity philosophers around.’

  ‘I’ll be a first. Catch me on the talk-show circuit.’ Christopher grinned. ‘Come with me!’

  ‘I can’t. Thank you for the offer but I can’t. Right now I have to take a break from relationships. I need to, I dunno –’

  ‘Think?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  They laughed. Both knew that no matter what they did in the future, whether it be waiting tables in a diner or lecturing in an ivory tower, they would be puzzling over theories and concepts that most people never gave a first thought, never mind a second.

  ‘Then this is goodbye for now, sweet Sarah Meadows.’ Christopher gathered her into his arms.

  His full lips covered hers. Rowdy kids began to spur them on with lewd comments and unnecessary advice. They broke apart, laughing.

  ‘Amateurs!’ Christopher taunted the hooting kids. ‘Watch and learn!’

  ‘Hey you,’ said Sarah. ‘Keep in touch.’

  ‘E – me, baby.’

  Christopher pulled her into another goodbye kiss. Again, it became something much more, a prelude rather than an epilogue. Again, the jeering students egged them on. But this time the kiss ended when Donna’s scandalised voice snapped Sarah back to reality.

  ‘What the fuck are you doing?’

  Donna stuck her key in the door and opened it. ‘Slut,’ she hissed at Sarah. The door slammed shut behind her.

  ‘Oops,’ said Sarah. ‘Donna!’ Sarah chased her sister up the stairs, but Donna had had a head start.

  ‘Go away!’ Donna fumbled to unlock the door to her room. ‘Leave me alone!’

  The door opened, but not before Sarah reached her. Sarah pushed her way into the room behind her sister. Donna turned on her in a fury. ‘Just because you pay my rent doesn’t mean I’m not entitled to privacy.’

  ‘I agree. But I want to explain.’

  ‘There’s nothing to explain. You weren’t tutoring that guy, you were fucking him. Cheating on David when David’s such a nice guy. Shame on you!’

  ‘David and I broke up.’

  ‘Oh. He found out? Not from me.’

  ‘No, he doesn’t know about Christopher. It was something else.’

  ‘You’re an idiot.’ Donna flopped down on her bed. ‘Mom was right about him. He is a keeper. You didn’t deserve him.’

  ‘That’s true.’ Sarah sat down beside her sister. ‘We have to talk, kiddo. I lost my job.’

  ‘Hmm.’

  ‘You know we have to be out of here by the end of the month, right?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Well, I don’t know where we’re going. Even if we find a place to rent, I don’t know how we’d pay for it.’

  ‘Mom and Dad will be here in a few days.’

  ‘I don’t want to ask them for money.’ Sarah paled at the thought.

  ‘That’s not what I meant.’

  It lay unspoken between them, like a curse that must not be uttered lest it come to be. Go home? All of them, back in St Paul?

  ‘Fuck.’ Sarah felt like crying. ‘Oh fuck, fuck, fuck.’ She gave her little sister a push and stretched out beside her.

  ‘I should’ve got a job. I tried but there’s nothing I want to do.’ Donna pouted.
/>   ‘What do you want to be?’

  ‘When I grow up?’ Donna grimaced. ‘You’ll laugh your guts out.’

  ‘I promise I won’t.’ Sarah took her sister’s hand and rubbed her cheek with it. ‘Tell.’

  ‘I want to be a housewife and mother who volunteers for worthy efforts in her spare time.’

  ‘You want to be Mom?’ Sarah giggled.

  ‘Don’t tell her. And don’t laugh!’ Donna snatched her hand back.

  ‘But she’d be thrilled. She wants grandchildren.’

  ‘From you. She expects everything from you – the career, the marriage, the kids. Because she thinks I’m good for nothing.’

  ‘Yeah, well, I’ve got news for her. I’m good for nothing, too.’

  ‘What do you want to be, Sarah?’

  ‘Now that I’m all grown up?’

  Donna nodded. This time, she took her sister’s hand. ‘What are your plans?’

  ‘I plan to graduate,’ said Sarah. ‘After that, I have no freakin’ idea.’

  This seemed hilarious to both of them. They laughed till they cried. Then they simply cried, nose to nose, as sisters sometimes do, until they fell asleep.

  27

  ‘TO PRESENT THE philosophy department’s Bachelor of Arts degrees, we’re honoured to have with us Professor Jonathon Trelawney.’

  Sarah wasn’t surprised. There was a stir of pleasure among the black-robed students she sat among. He’d been a popular prof.

  Jon approached the podium. He’d traded his customary tweedy look for a black suit, white shirt and striped tie. A few of the women in the crowd sighed audibly.

  The MC continued his introduction. ‘Seneca University has had the pleasure of Professor Trelawney’s presence for a mere semester, but in that time he’s become one of the most popular philosophy professors in the department. So it is with regret that we bid farewell to him and wish him good luck in his future endeavours.’

  Applause. Jon smiling at the crowd. Jon shooting his cuffs and beginning to speak.

  It was hot in the auditorium, but that wasn’t why Sarah suddenly felt faint.

  He was leaving.

  ‘We’ll start with the graduating students in the Bachelor of Arts in Philosophy, Honours programme …’

  There was no time to faint or cry. She’d be up there in a moment, shaking his hand, taking her diploma from him. He must not see how shaken she was by this news.

  Sarah watched the first student ascend the stage, stride to the podium, shake Jon’s right hand with his, take the diploma with the left hand, and exit the stage on the other side. It looked impossible. She was growing huge, she could feel it, her bulk filling the chair in which she sat. She’d be stuck, unable to rise when her turn came.

  Sarah fanned herself with her programme. Penny glanced at her as she rose from her seat in the front row. Sarah flashed her a thumbs-up sign. Penny ascended the stage.

  Good. No need to infect Penny with her blight. Penny’s last name was Dickson. From D to M – how much time did she have? God what was happening? OK. Talk it through. Quick. Maybe somewhere in her subconscious she’d harboured the hope that once she wasn’t a student or an escort, she could date Professor Trelawney. Now he was leaving, so that hope, if she’d harboured it, had set sail. Deal with it. Now.

  Penny raised her diploma high and shook it triumphantly as she crossed the stage. The crowd laughed. The next name was called. Greenwood. There weren’t a lot of honours students. She’d be up there in a moment. Parents in the crowd. Sister. Make them proud. Just one more time, Sarah. Make them proud.

  So the sadistic prick was leaving town. So what. There were others. She’d find someone else. Unless, like David, no decent man would want her now. She’d set up shop, maybe in New York. Make the bastards pay to punish her and call her filthy names. Do that until she was too broken to go on.

  Sarah stifled a moan. Fucked. Sarah Meadows, fucked. OK, so Sarah Meadows Fucked, make ’em proud.

  ‘Sarah Meadows,’ said Jon.

  She rose, ordering herself not to be huge. It worked! Sarah miraculously made it to the stage without tripping on her robe. Jon waited, degree in hand. Take it. Shake his hand. Down the stairs. Done.

  Black-robed figures descended on the quad like a murder of crows. Mortar boards flew. The noise of hundreds of young people, free from the formal graduation ceremony and clutching, at last, their hard-earned degrees, was deafening.

  Sarah joined her family. David was with them, of course, playing his part. He stood stiffly as her parents and sister hugged and kissed her. Picture time! Sarah posed with her dad, with her mom, with both parents, with her family. She smiled and smiled for the camera. She posed with David, keeping her promise, not touching him. Penny joined them and a new round of photos began.

  ‘Are you OK?’ Penny patted Sarah’s flushed cheeks with her palms. ‘You look weird.’

  ‘I am weird.’

  ‘Aren’t we all?’ Penny hugged her. ‘Keep in touch. I’m not kidding. If I email you and you don’t – Oh my God, here comes Trelawney.’

  ‘No!’ Sarah clapped her hand over her mouth. ‘Don’t leave me.’

  ‘Got to, babe. The future’s calling!’ Penny was swept away by the crowd, leaving Sarah alone to face Jon.

  ‘Sarah,’ he said. He touched her elbow. ‘I need to talk to you.’

  ‘Mom, Dad, this is Professor Trelawney.’

  Her dad piped up. ‘You’re the one who took over when the existentialist went cuckoo, correct?’ He circled his temple with an index finger.

  Sarah willed herself not to be embarrassed by her family in front of Jon. Who was he, after all, but her ex-client and ex-professor?

  Her mother sashayed closer, extending her hand to Jon. ‘Thank you for everything you’ve done for my daughter. She worked terribly hard for years and years to get this degree.’ She practically swooned as Jon took her hand for a moment. Who could blame her? Jon was a very handsome man. I’m her mother, this is our younger daughter, Donna, and Sarah’s fiancé, David.’

  ‘Mo-ther!’ It came out sounding like the whiny complaint of an adolescent. Damn.

  ‘Oh dear, have I let the cat out of the bag? Fine, they are as good as engaged. David is a teaching assistant here at Seneca.’

  David left Donna long enough to shake hands with Jon, then retreated to Donna’s side again.

  ‘I didn’t get a chance to talk to you about your paper, Sarah. Have you a few moments?’ Jon tried to draw her away with his hand on her elbow.

  ‘No.’ Sarah shrugged him off.

  ‘Ah. Well, I’d be happy to give you a recommendation for graduate school.’

  ‘I’m not going to grad. school. I’ve left my job with the catering agency, too. I’m footloose and fancy free.’ She gave him a bright smile. ‘A will o’ the wisp.’

  ‘I’m surprised. About grad. school. Your paper was remarkable, as much because of your style as your ideas, although the concept, that this, um, Asperger’s syndrome might have affected many of the great philosophers throughout history, well, it’s – interesting.’

  Mr Meadows interjected. ‘Donna has Asperger’s syndrome,’ he said proudly.

  ‘No I don’t, Dad,’ said Donna. ‘It’s too complicated. I think I just have allergies, like David.’ She smiled up at David. We’re allergic to pollen and lactose intolerant.’

  ‘Let me get a picture of you with your professor,’ said Mr Meadows.

  ‘No, Dad. No thanks.’ Sarah knew if a photo of the two of them existed she’d never get past the mixed-up way Jon Trelawney made her feel. ‘But Professor Trelawney, would you mind taking a photo of us?’

  Jon was visibly taken aback, but, as everyone gathered around Sarah, he gamely framed and snapped the photo.

  ‘Thanks.’ Sarah took the camera from him. Their fingers touched. Tears sprung into her eyes.

  ‘I’m scheduled to fly out tonight,’ said Jon. ‘I’m going to –’

  ‘Good luck, Professor,’ she said,
purposely cutting him off. The less she knew about his future plans, the better.

  Jon looked as if he’d like to linger but there was no legitimate reason for him to do so. ‘I guess this is goodbye then.’

  ‘I guess it is. Goodbye, Professor Trelawney. It was nice knowing you.’

  28

  SARAH PLAYED HER final line over and over in her head in the days following. ‘Nice knowing you.’ It gave her shivers of pleasure. She’d been cool, even arrogant and if her eyes had been a bit wet, well, it’d probably made them sparkle. She’d shown him!

  She stood in the room that had been her quarters for most of the four years she’d been attending Seneca University. The furniture was still there, but without her things in it the room was already impersonal. She trailed her hand along the desk. He’d said her paper was remarkable and her ideas interesting. Ha!

  It shocked her how much she hated Jon Trelawney. Rationally speaking, he’d done nothing wrong but her belly screamed betrayal. She didn’t want food, couldn’t handle it. She wanted revenge. Someday she’d stop hating him and then she’d be on the glorious road to recovery, but for now hate throbbed inside her with every beat of her heart.

  Sarah checked the cupboard above the desk for liquor but she and Donna had cleaned that out days ago. Donna had made the move from the room across the hall to a modern one-room apartment. ‘I got my Bachelor’s too,’ she’d said. Sarah smiled. David had helped Donna get settled and find a job. Sarah had managed to slip the diamond ring he’d left with her into the pocket of his raincoat. She had a feeling he’d be needing it soon enough.

  She closed the cupboard. Too bad. She could use a good belt to get her through the rest of the day. Sarah noticed something odd lodged in the corner. She picked it up. A mouldy old crab claw. Not thrown away, after all, just lost. She shuddered.

  She’d been a girl when she’d had sex with Jack. Nine months seemed like nine years. One night with Jack and she’d created a love affair from what was clearly a simple transaction, goods, her goods, for money. She’d made that mistake at the beginning of her call-girl career and she’d made it again at the end. Idiot. Sarah tossed the claw into the plastic bag hanging on the doorknob, grabbed the bag and left.