“Are you talking to me?” I asked, looking around.
“I don’t see anything else beautiful around here, do you?”
I gulped.
“So, Mom said that you guys need a ride home?” he continued.
“Umm, yeah, actually we do.”
“Okay, then, I’ll see you after the show,” Brendan said as the lights flickered to signal us to take our seats. He winked at me before walking away.
Aimee took her place beside me. “What did he want?” she asked with disgust.
“Huh? Oh, nothing really.” I was still in a daze when the lights went down.
When the recital was over, we met up with the family in the parking lot and made our way to the van. Brendan fell in step with me.
“Hey, Janessa, can I come over tomorrow?”
Despite hearing my own name come from his lips, I couldn’t believe Brendan was talking to me. Maybe he did want to spend time with me. Maybe he did think I was beautiful.
“Yeah, I guess you could come over. Do you remember where the house is?”
Brendan nodded, smiling. “Of course I do. It’s where I saw you for the first time. I could never forget that.”
Aimee and I sat in the third row of the van so we’d have a chance to talk.
“I can’t believe how amazing he looks.”
Aimee turned her body to face me. “Are you nuts, girl? You deserve so much better than him. Don’t you remember what I told you?”
I rolled my eyes at her in the darkness, having no intention of heeding her advice.
The emotions I was feeling surrounded me in a whirlwind of excitement and longing. I could not wait to see Brendan again. I hardly slept that night, anticipation keeping me wide awake.
I thought about our encounter the night before. Brendan had changed so much in just a couple of years. And what was the reason for that change? The rumors Aimee had told me about... were they actually true? If so, why would he show any interest in me?
To avoid any extra drama, I decided not to tell my folks about him just yet. Besides, I had no idea where this was going to lead. Maybe we’d just have this one date and then I could go back to life as a normal fifteen year old.
When morning came, I grabbed a book and a blanket and went outside. It was humid but breezy, a sure sign of a storm yet to come. I had been completely absorbed in my book for twenty minutes when I heard a whistle coming from my left.
“Hey there, pretty lady. Did you know you’re even more dazzling in the sunshine?”
My smile must have been welcoming because he joined me on the blanket. I sat up on my knees.
“Hey, yourself. Glad you found the house okay.”
“Told you I would,” he affirmed with a wink.
Thank God I was already sitting because I would have fainted. His deep brown eyes were astonishing. We had spent only five minutes together, and I could already feel the defeat. Something about him had sucked me in the first time our eyes met; that same something kept me coming back. I remembered what Billy had said: Brendan usually got what he wanted.
“So, you’re here. Now what?” I asked him.
“Can we just hang out and talk? I’d love to know more about you. Let’s play 20 Questions and get to know each other better. I’ll go first. What’s your middle name?”
“Ann--with no ‘e’.”
“Janessa Ann,” he said with a nod, as if he were contemplating something. “When’s your birthday?”
“August 8th. I’ll be 16 this year.”
“Sixteen. Really? Sweet sixteen and never been kissed?”
“Well, I wouldn’t go that far. I have been kissed.”
“Not by me you haven’t.” Another wink.
Oh my God, was he trying to kill me?
The game continued until it was my turn to ask him twenty questions. I asked him all the typical questions, including several that he asked me, and some that weren’t so typical. I longed to know the truth about him, about the rumors. Several times, I pushed this desire back until I finally realized that it would never form itself on my lips.
“One last question,” I confessed as I leaned into him a bit.
“Anything.”
“Are you hungry?”
“Starving,” he whispered as he took my face into his hands and brushed his lips against mine with the slightest of pressure. It was over quickly but stirred a craving inside me that would not be ignored.
“Let’s get something to eat,” he said with a smile that continued to electrify me. He stood and held out his hand to help me up.
In the kitchen, I pulled out bologna and cheese. He nodded when I showed it to him, so I started assembling the sandwiches.
“So, if you’re fifteen, then you’re a junior, right?”
“Yep, as soon as the new school year begins,” I said as I licked some mayonnaise off my finger. I finished making both sandwiches, told Brendan to grab the chips from on top of the fridge and led him back outside.
We settled on the blanket and continued with small talk while we ate.
“You and Aimee are really good friends, huh?” He swallowed a bite of sandwich.
“Yeah, we are now. She’s my best friend. But when we first met in eighth grade, we hated each other. Funny how things turn out.”
He looked at me and winked. “That’s true. Sometimes people can surprise you.”
I finished my sandwich, and Brendan stood up to stretch his legs.
“Hey, want to go for a walk?”
“I’ll have to clean this stuff up and take it in the house,” I said as I got up.
“Hurry back to me,” he smiled. While I got the feeling this was not a request, I nodded before I ran into the house. I folded the blanket and tossed it onto the couch before taking the chips back into the kitchen. I was back outside in two minutes flat.
As we began our walk together, my mind brought back the feelings of the kiss he’d given me a few minutes before. It was so soft, yet I could still feel the heat of his lips on mine. I never thought I’d allow him to kiss me so quickly, but I was drawn to him. Before I knew it, we were at the local elementary school. Distracted, I walked over to the swings, sat down and watched as Brendan made his way to the seat next to me.
“You were really quiet on our way here. What were you thinking about?”
I wasn’t sure I wanted to tell him the truth at first. After all, what if he thought I was just a silly schoolgirl? But if that were true, then what was he doing here?
“Actually I was thinking about something you said earlier. The whole ‘sweet sixteen and never been kissed’ thing. I can’t exactly say that anymore, can I?”
He chuckled. “Technically, no. Although I’m not sure that counts. I mean, I barely kissed you,” he teased.
I could feel the butterflies in my stomach long before I had the courage to actually say the words.
“Would you like to change that?”
Up to this point, I had never been so daring in my life. There was something about him that brought out a different side to me, more bold and reckless with my thoughts, words and deeds.
He slid his fingers between mine, and with one smooth movement, pulled me from my seat and onto his lap. I was shaking in anticipation of what the next few moments would bring. I barely knew him, but my appetite was stronger than my resolve. I did not trust myself.
I couldn’t help a small groan as he surprised me with a much stronger, more intense kiss; he was calling my bluff. My lips welcomed the heat of his mouth, and I found myself kissing him back in earnest. I felt his lips part slightly as his tongue slid to lick my bottom lip. We both let out a low moan, which made me giggle.
“What’s so funny?” he asked, careful to keep our lips touching.
I pulled back enough to look into his deep brown eyes, finally breaking the seal of our first real kiss.
Ashamed by my immature response, I just shook my head. “Nothing really.”
He put one finger under my chin and held
my gaze.
“You can tell me. I promise not to laugh.”
“I just thought it was funny that we both moaned at the same time, that’s all,” I said, embarrassed.
Brendan began laughing and I hung my head, sure that I sounded completely childish.
“Hey, hey. Baby, look at me.” He was very serious all of a sudden. “I was laughing because I didn’t even notice we moaned at the same time. I was focused only on you and wasn’t aware of anything else. I’m sorry, I know I promised I wouldn’t laugh, and then I did. Forgive me?”
I wanted to be mad, but the pull of his gaze was too much. I was overcome by his charm and fascinated by his magnetism.
“Yes, I forgive you,” I said as I stood from his lap.
“Well, I’m glad you told me. I don’t want to start our relationship with a bunch of secrets.” He grabbed my hand.
I smiled and pulled him from the swing. “I need to get home. It’s almost three.”
We walked back to my house hand-in-hand, talking and laughing the way I always thought lovers would.
Months later, I would come to realize that Brendan had told me another lie that day. He’d said we should not begin our relationship with secrets, and yet secrets would end up being the only constant in our life together.
NATE CLEARED HIS throat in the other room, and I was jerked back to the present. The memory of the sweet innocence of our first date helped me realize that I wanted to see Brendan. We both needed closure. I needed to say goodbye, and he needed to know I still cared.
I thought about the things he'd always told me about his funeral. He’d said he wanted the 23rd Psalm to be read. He also said he didn't want die alone. I could make sure both of those occurred. I could help him die with dignity. I could give him peace.
These were the reasons I shared with Nate the following morning.
“So remember when Aimee called last night?”
Nate nodded. “Sure. You looked like you’d seen a ghost after.”
“Well, the truth is...she called about Brendan.”
Nate’s lips tightened and his eyes grew hard, as they always did whenever my ex-boyfriend’s name came up. But he didn’t say anything.
“He’s...he’s in the hospital. He’s dying, Nate.”
My husband sighed heavily.
“I know you’re not going to like this, but I need to go see him. I want to say goodbye.”
Nate ran his hands through his hair, and I knew he was frustrated. He would never tell me I couldn’t go, but it wasn’t going to be easy for him, either.
“Okay.” He kept his eyes on the table as he spoke. “You’re right. I don’t like it, not at all. But if you’re sure you want to do this, call your mom and ask her if she’ll meet us halfway. I don’t want you driving all the way back to Toledo by yourself.”
I knelt by Nate’s chair and laid my hand on his arm.
“Thank you. I know you don’t understand, but you love me enough to let me do this. I love you.” I stood and kissed his cheek.
“I’ll go call Mom now.”
I WOKE UP, showered and dressed in preparation to spending the day with Brendan. It had been three weeks since our first date. My folks knew I was seeing someone and had even met Brendan, but I could tell that my dad did not approve.
“Pumpkin, I really don’t trust that guy. There’s just something about him that I don’t like.”
We sat on the porch swing, my head lying on his shoulder, just like when I was a little girl.
“I know you’re worried, Daddy, but I’m okay. He’s related to Aimee so he can’t be that bad, right?”
He kissed me on the top of the head. “Just be careful, please. I have confidence that Mom and I raised you to make the right choices. Don’t let me down.”
My dad’s words did make me feel a little unsettled. Although I trusted Brendan, I could not ignore the signs. It was true that he was living with two men. It was true that they did not like me to come around. It was even true that these two men took care of his every expense.
Sometimes I walked past the house where the three of them lived, just to catch a glimpse of Brendan—or even better, that he would see me. I saw Justin and Greg, and I’m sure they saw me, too. Brendan talked about them from time to time.
I even met them once, briefly, when we stopped at the house. Brendan needed to change his shirt, and he left me sitting in the living room while he went into the bedroom to get a clean tee. I perched on the edge of the sofa, uncomfortable. A man came into the room and stopped short, surprised to see me there.
“Um, hi, I’m Janessa. I’m just waiting for Brendan.” I pointed at the closed bedroom door.
“Okay.” He glanced around, a frown on his face. He was probably just a little younger than my dad, I thought. He definitely wasn’t happy to meet me or have me in his house.
Brendan reappeared at that moment.
“Oh, hey, Justin. Did you meet Janessa?”
“Yeah, I did.” Justin shot a look at Brendan that I could only describe as a glare. Brendan shrugged and offered me a hand.
“Ready? Let’s go.”
I couldn’t shake the sense that Justin was upset about Brendan being with me, but I didn’t say anything. Because regardless of these signs flashing all around me, I chose to walk the path of ignorance. I found a justification for every warning that was thrown my way.
When I heard Brendan’s knock on the door, I snapped back to reality and bounced down the front stairs to meet him on the porch with a kiss.
“Good morning, baby.”
“Morning. Have you had breakfast? I could make us something if you’re hungry,” I suggested.
“Sure, that sounds great. Do you have any eggs?”
Brendan followed me through the house and into the kitchen, stopping for just a brief hello to my mom. While I cooked, we talked about our plans for the day. Brendan wanted to walk to the library and needed to grab some medicine from the drug store.
“Sorry it’s going to be such a boring day,” he sighed while we ate.
“It’s cool,” I told him between bites of toast. “It doesn’t matter what we do, as long as we’re together.”
He leaned across the table for a kiss and then helped me clear the dishes.
Even taking our time, I was home by three that afternoon, which gave me extra hours to spend with Aimee. It wasn’t that our friendship had suffered now that both of us had boyfriends, but I missed seeing her every day. We played a few games of Spades while I told her about my plans now that our high school had been closed.
“I’m going to switch schools in the middle of day. Waite will be my home school, but I’ll do my data processing classes somewhere else.”
“That’ll be fun.” Aimee played her hand. “How are things with you and Brendan?”
“Wonderful.” I stared off and smiled, thinking of him.
Aimee shook her head. “Just be careful, okay, ‘Nessa?”
That night while I was getting ready to go to sleep, I heard a knock on the front door. I stopped dead in my tracks, thinking it might be Brendan, but when nobody called for me, I slipped into my room and got in bed. I fell asleep listening to the muffled voices floating up the stairs.
The next morning, I noticed that my brothers were acting strange. They were quieter than usual, making me suspicious.
“Hey, what’s going on?” I demanded.
Donny shrugged. “Talk to Mom.”
“So, neither of you are going to tell me what's up?”
With mouths full of cereal, they both shook their heads.
“Fine!” I huffed.
I found Mom sitting on porch. I could see the steam from her hot coffee rising in the early morning sunlight.
“Morning,” she said with an eerie calmness.
“Good morning. I saw the boys in the kitchen. They said I needed to talk to you.”
She sipped her coffee. “Daddy and I had some visitors last night.”
“Yeah, I heard
someone knock late,” I said. “Am I allowed to know who these visitors were?”
“Why don't you sit down, sweetie?”
As I obeyed, my stomach lurched with the anticipation of bad news. Who had come by last night? Should I have gone downstairs and been part of this conversation? I took a deep breath as Mom began to recount the details.
“Daddy answered the door last night,” she began slowly. “There were two men standing here on the porch. They introduced themselves as Justin and Greg. Do you know who they are?”
Unable to speak, I nodded. The knot in my stomach got tighter.
“Justin, the older of the two, felt that it was time Daddy and I knew everything about Brendan. He wanted to make sure that we understood about their lifestyle.” She turned to look at me. “Honey, do you know about their lifestyle?”
“Um, I know Brendan lives with them, that they’re roommates.”
She took a slow sip of her coffee, allowing time for me to process what she said. What I’d said.
“They aren't just roommates, are they?”
Sensing that I did not need her to answer the question, Mom sat looking out into the yard. I wanted her to say something, to tell me I was way off base, but she didn’t. When she finally looked at me again, I could see the truth in her eyes.
Here it was. Here was what I could no longer deny. All at once, the lump in my stomach turned to rage.
I stormed into the house and went straight for the phone. I punched in Brendan's number and waited for him to pick up--dared him to pick up. He didn't.
I ran upstairs to my bedroom, flung myself on the bed and began to cry. Why did I have to be so stupid? I knew where this was going to lead. Aimee had been warning me about it for years. I needed to speak with Brendan and let him know I was no longer going to allow this to happen. I would no longer let myself be treated as the girl on the side.
I went to the bathroom and wiped the angry tears from my face. After splashing myself with cold water, I returned to the phone and tried again. There was still no answer at Brendan's place so I called around to some friends and left messages for him to call me. Then I waited.
Tough Love Page 3