I picked up the phone on the first ring.
“Hey, beautiful.” There was nothing off in his tone, nothing that told me he knew why I had been calling him. It just made me angrier.
“Where the hell have you been? You know what, never mind. I don’t want to know. Just get over here!” I slammed down the phone, my hand shaking.
He arrived ten minutes later and joined me on the front porch swing. It was all I could do to not look at him. I knew he would defeat me with just one glance, and I could not afford that.
“I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you–”
I whipped around to face him but did not look him in the eyes. I could feel the heat in my cheeks as the fury grew.
“Don’t! Don’t you dare say that to me! You disgust me! Of course you meant to hurt me. You knew exactly what you were doing.”
I raised a shaking hand to wipe away the tears and was instantly mad at myself for showing this weakness. I got up, stormed off the porch and across the yard. Brendan followed me and grabbed my arm around the wrist.
“Baby–”
“No!” I cried as I turned around. “You have no right to call me that anymore. I should have listened to Aimee when she warned me about you.” I yanked my arm out of his grip. “I want you to leave.”
“C’mon Janessa, don’t end things this way.”
“Leave!” I screamed. “Right now!”
He could see the resolve in my face and knew I was serious. He let out a big sigh and turned to walk away but then stopped.
“Are you still going to Michigan? To the lake to see your aunt?”
I nodded. “Aimee and I leave tomorrow morning. Not that it’s any of your business.”
“Will you call me when you get back?
“Just stay away from me.”
He hung his head and walked away. I collapsed to the ground, my sobs echoing in the yard.
I was thankful that Aimee and I were leaving the next day. I seriously needed a few days to think; my mind was spinning and I wasn’t sure what the truth was anymore.
We headed to the cottage at ten the next morning. Since Mom was our driver, we didn’t talk about Brendan or Aimee’s boy troubles until we got there. Instead, we jammed to our favorite radio stations and munched on some of Mom’s homemade snack mix.
Getting out of the city and into the fresh air did wonders for my spirit. Things were so jumbled up when I was at home. Everywhere I looked, I thought of Brendan. We hadn’t been together very long, but everything with him was so intense; I was already in way over my head.
We pulled up beside Aunt Thelma’s car, grabbed our bags and walked toward the little green one-story house. It was a long rectangle shape, with just two bedrooms and one bath. I’d been coming here since I was about five, and I loved the place.
Aimee and I had promised we would eat and say goodbye to my mom before heading for the water, so I was glad lunch was already on the table. We ate quickly, and I think both women could tell we were itching to go outside.
Mom finally said, “Go on. I’ll see you Friday.”
We were gone from the table, changed into our swimsuits and at the shore in about 90 seconds flat.
The next five days were magnificent. In the absence of TV, phones and our boyfriends, Aimee and I were more relaxed and happier than we’d been in months. We spent every moment we could sunbathing or in the water. Every evening, we were in front of the campfire singing our favorite songs and eating s’mores. We loved sleeping on the screened-in porch, which had two twin beds. It was my idea of heaven.
There were even a couple days when I didn’t think of Brendan at all.
“Do you think he loves me?” I asked Aimee one night while we were lying in our beds, the crickets lulling us to sleep.
“I don’t know, Ness. I mean, he probably does, but I’m not sure he knows how to love, ya know. Besides, love isn’t really enough. You’ve got to have trust, communication, honesty, commitment.”
“We have some of those.”
“I know you do, but it’s what you don’t have that worries me,” she said with a yawn.
I thought about her words while I tried to fall asleep. I knew Aimee was right, but I didn’t want to face it. Sure, we had love–-in some sense of the word at least-–but we didn’t have much else. I couldn’t trust him. He wasn’t honest, and he definitely was not committed to me. So why did we both try so hard to save something we didn’t even really have?
I decided to call Brendan once we returned to Toledo. I needed some answers, and I hoped we could figure it out together.
Friday came way too soon. For our last dinner at the cottage, we had my favorite meal, hobo pies, a campfire sandwich filled with ingredients of choice. We all watched the sun set over the water together before Mom and Aunt Thelma went inside.
“Was this the best week or what?” I asked Aimee once we were all alone.
“It was. But back to the real world tomorrow,” she said.
“I know, but I don’t want to go. Things make so much more sense up here when I’m not with him.”
We both sat there, staring at the fire in the darkness, the waves lapping against the shoreline.
“I’m scared, Aimee.”
“Why?” she asked.
“’Cause I know what I need to do, but I’m not sure I’m tough enough.”
“You are, Ness. You just don’t know it yet.”
The next morning, we had breakfast before hitting the road. The house came into view much quicker than I expected, and I found myself worrying about what to say when I called Brendan later.
We unloaded our bags, and I helped Aimee carry her duffle and backpack across the street to her house.
“Janessa, look at me,” Aimee said once our arms were empty. “You’re going to be okay. Just don’t let him talk you into anything.”
“I’ll try, I promise.”
I gave her a see-you-later hug and walked back to my house. Once there, I took my time unpacking everything and taking my dirty laundry to the basement. I dawdled as long as I could, putting off what I knew I had to do.
I picked up the phone and dialed the number. I took several deep breaths while it rang on the other end. My thoughts were very strong, almost as though I were talking aloud.
I don’t have the self-control to do this.
Yes you do! Be firm. Don’t let him take advantage of you.
“Hello?”
Oh my God, what am I going to say? What am I going to do?
“Hey, it’s me,” I began.
It’s okay, Janessa, just take this one word at a time.
“Hey, baby.”
I winced. Ignore him, my head screamed.
“Listen, we need to talk,” I said.
“Sure, I can come over now if that’s okay.”
“No, you aren’t welcome here so we’ll need to go somewhere else. Can you meet up at Food Town?”
You’re doing great, kiddo. Keep it up!
“Of course. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.”
“That’s fine,” I said, my words clipped.
“I love you, baby.”
I hung up without saying anything else.
Taking my normal, five-minute path to Food Town was very empowering. With every step I took, I felt my strength growing. I knew I would be able to face him and make things go my way. It was time for Brendan to listen to me for a change.
“My God, it is so good to see you,” he began. “I was going crazy waiting for your phone call.” He brought his face close to mine for a kiss, but I turned so that he barely grazed my right cheek.
“Do you love me?”
“What?” He seemed dumbfounded. “How can you even ask me that? Of course I love you. I’ve loved you from the moment I saw you.”
“How can I ask that? Because, Brendan. My God, how can you live with yourself?” I realized my voice was louder than I wanted it to be when I saw a patron of the store glance at us. “You know what, I can’t do thi
s here. Will you walk with me?”
“Of course, baby. I’ll go anywhere you want me to.”
I turned on my heels and shook my head, amazed at the way he was able to break me down, even when I was so angry.
We walked to the playground--our playground--in silence. I felt him reach for my hand once, but I crossed my arms in defiance. I knew that one touch would be enough for me to crumble. So much for strength.
“Now that we have some privacy, I have to know--how does someone who loves me do what you have done? How could you keep this secret from me?”
He hung his head. “Because if you knew the truth, you wouldn’t be with me, and I can’t exist in a world where I don’t have you. I was willing to do whatever it took to keep you.”
“So tell me now. What is the truth, Brendan? I want to hear it from you.”
He sighed, looking off into the distance. “I’m...Justin and Greg are more than just roommates. We’re, um, in a relationship.”
I drew in a shuddering breath. “That means your—what? Bisexual?”
“I don’t know. I guess. I like both men and women. I’ve had other girlfriends, you know that.” He touched the knuckles of his hand, where another girl’s name was tattooed onto the skin. “All I know is I want you.”
“So you think that by keeping a secret and not telling me who you really are-–that’s going to make me stay? C’mon, do I really look that stupid?” I swallowed over the huge lump in my throat.
The truth was, I really was that stupid. Because when Brendan asked if we could talk again the next day, I said yes.
And on that day, when he asked for a hug, I said yes.
And then the wall that I built up began crumbling. And before long, it had vanished.
ST. CHARLES HOSPITAL was a place I knew well. I'd passed it thousands of times when I was a child and been there for several visits with those I loved. Never before, or since, did an experience come close to this.
The sun sets in Ohio before 4:30 PM the week between Christmas and New Year's Day. It might have been only 5 o'clock when we got there, but it was so dark and I was so tired, time meant nothing that evening.
I grabbed Mom's hand as we rounded the corner to the ICU waiting room. Everyone was there: Grandma and Grandpa, Hannah, Nicole, Aimee and Brendan's new partner, Curtis. I could feel all six of them looking at me. I went straight to Grandma, the tears already streaming. I reached my free hand out to hold hers.
“How is he?”
“Weak,” she sighed. “He's very sick, Janessa.”
I nodded in response. “I know, and I'm ready to say goodbye.”
Grandma squeezed my hand and gave me a wink. “He's waiting for you. I'll take you back.”
Mom hugged me and went over to sit with Aimee while Grandma and I left the room.
The ICU was very quiet and dark; it would have been peaceful if I didn’t know people were fighting for their lives. Grandma met one of the nurses as she walked toward us and raised our interlocked hands.
“She's finally here,” Grandma said with a smile.
“You must be the teacher,” the nurse guessed. “The one from Indiana.” I found it interesting she was not asking if I were the teacher; rather, she knew it was me. Suddenly Grandma's words from just seconds ago had more meaning. He truly was waiting for me, and everyone knew it.
“Yes, I'm Janessa. It's nice to meet you.”
“You, too,” she smiled. “My name is Bethany. The other nurses and I are glad you're here.” Bethany's eyes moved from mine to Grandma's. “Maybe now he’ll get some rest.”
“He hasn't been sleeping?” I asked.
“Not as much as he should, but I think that will change once he’s able to see you. Why don't you go on in?”
I looked at Grandma who gave me a reassuring nod. “I'm going back to the waiting room. You take your time,” she said, squeezing my hand one last time.
Before entering the room, I had to wash and dry my hands and put on a mask. Brendan was already so sick; the doctors did not want to risk any more infections. I followed directions and took a big breath.
You can do this, I told myself as I walked through the door.
Brendan was lying in the middle of the bed, eyes closed, with what seemed like a hundred tubes leading to and from his body. In addition to a feeding tube, a trach tube, and oxygen, he had a heart monitor, three IV lines and a blood pressure cuff. I could hear the steady rhythm of the oxygen machine mixing with his heartbeat, creating an odd, eerie musical in the room.
His auburn hair was clean and shorter than I remembered, but it was still feathered around his too-pale face. He was so thin; too thin for his 5'10” frame. It was obvious he was sick.
But all I could see was the alluring young man who had made me feel like a woman that summer before he broke my heart.
JULY HAD BEEN perfect, if you could call sneaking out of the house perfect. My parents did not want Brendan around, so we would meet anywhere we could. Sometimes it was Food Town; other times it was the park. I told myself being with him was all that mattered. If my family didn’t like it, too bad.
I detested what was happening. I’d never been one of those “good girls” who hated being good; I was proud to be a young woman who loved her family and her God. This relationship was pushing me away from both of those things, yet I couldn’t stop myself. Brendan made me feel sexy and grown-up.
As difficult as it was for me, Brendan had to sneak around as well. Justin and Greg did not want us together, so we had to work around their schedule. I wanted to be brave enough to ask Brendan why he stayed with them if he wanted me so much, but I never could dig up the courage. I was afraid if I pushed him at all, he might end up choosing them instead of me.
Even with all of these obstacles in our way, we managed to be with each other every second we could.
It was during a normal rendezvous at the park that Brendan decided to spring some news on me. He was going to Florida on vacation with Justin and Greg.
“How long are you going to be gone?” I asked.
“I’m not sure. We don’t really have a timeline to follow.”
“Oh,” I pouted as I pulled him into an embrace, wrapping my arms around his neck. “What am I going to do without you here? You’re my whole life.”
He lifted my chin with a finger and bent down to kiss me.
“The good news is that we aren’t leaving until next week. Plus, I’m not going to be gone forever, and I have something to ask you when I get back.”
He was searching my face for some trace of understanding. When it was obvious that I was not following him, he added, “It’s just that I have this dream about you and I being together. And I don’t mean staying boyfriend and girlfriend forever.”
I wasn’t sure how to respond. My 16-year-old heart was enamored with this man. I could not have been more infatuated by the thought of this bad boy actually loving me – settling down and being monogamous.
“You know what, don’t answer now,” he continued. “Think about it, though. Will you promise me that?”
I was still rather awestruck at the notion of being engaged at 16, so I just nodded.
He leaned down and kissed me again. All sense of right and wrong vanished the moment our lips touched. Brendan and I would stay together. He was going to figure out how to break things off with Justin and Greg. I would need to find a way to tell my folks this was what I wanted.
I stopped kissing him long enough to say, “I love you” against the skin of his chest.
He turned my face up toward the sky, kissing my neck. He whispered, “Will you marry me?” but his mouth overtook mine again before I could answer.
“Brendan,” I whispered between kisses. “I need to get home.” I was breathless.
He stopped kissing me, but our lips did not separate.
“Are you sure?” he moaned.
I sighed. “Yes, I’m sure. Dad will be home in twenty minutes.”
Our lips separated. I opene
d my eyes and intertwined our fingers.
“Walk me home?”
“Of course.”
On the way home I reminded him that we had a date to watch our favorite television show together that Thursday.
“Mom even said we can watch it at my house, but she has to stay in the room.”
“Well, that’s no fun,” he said with a gleam in his eye.
“Babe!” I protested.
“I’m just kidding. I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” he promised.
That night, without Brendan’s kisses to cloud my judgment, I began to think more clearly about his proposal. I knew that I loved him, but I also knew what was best. Even with the explosions of feelings inside, my conscious was screaming NO! Little did I know that he was about to make my decision very easy.
The next day came and went, and there was still no sign of Brendan. It was out of character for him to not at least call, and I was getting worried. His trip was approaching so fast. I was scared I might not see him before they left. I sat down and wrote him a note:
By the time Saturday evening came, I had to know what was happening. I called Grandma Nancy to see what was going on. It was Hannah who answered the phone.
“Hey, Hannah, it’s Janessa. Is Brendan around? I haven’t seen him all week.”
“No, he’s not here. I think he’s over at his brother’s house. He told you that he’s moving in with them right? With Uncle Terry and Aunt Becky?”
Did I just hear her right? This was the news that I’d been waiting for. My heart swelled with pride when I realized what he must have done. He’d actually told Justin and Greg he was leaving them and that I was the one he wanted to be with. We were going to be together forever, because I was going to say yes to his proposal.
Not wanting to let Hannah in on our secret, I kept my composure while I answered her question.
“No, he didn’t tell me that. What about Justin and Greg? Are they still going on vacation to Florida?”
Tough Love Page 4