The Boy Who Has No Belief (Soulless Book 7)

by Victoria Quinn

  Lizzie smiled before she ate. “So, you do love me after all.”

  We finished eating then Derek drove us to my apartment in his black Range Rover. Lizzie sat in the back seat and constantly talked about how nice it was, which was embarrassing, but I couldn’t get her to shut up.

  Derek parked the car and walked with us inside and to the apartment.

  It was unbelievable that the three of us were together, walking to the apartment door for the first time. It was a relief that I didn’t have to hide my relationship from my daughter anymore, that the three of us could be together at the same time and it not be uncomfortable.

  I unlocked the door, and Lizzie went ahead wearing her backpack. “Bye, Derek.” She waved to him before she walked in and threw her backpack on the table even though I’d told her a million times not to do that. But I was too happy to yell at her right now. “Thank you for the ride.”

  “Of course. I’m glad that I get to take both of you home now.” His arm moved around my waist, and he pulled me in for a kiss that was quicker than usual, probably because he knew Lizzie was aware of how long we’d been in the hallway. “Goodnight.”

  “Goodnight.” I watched him walk away like always, appreciating every moment I had with that man. I walked inside and grabbed Lizzie’s backpack and placed it in the chair. She was already in her bedroom, so I walked down the hall and looked at her lying on her bed. I leaned against the doorframe with my arms folded over my chest.

  Her legs were crossed, and she had Derek’s book in her hands. She continued to read as if I weren’t there.

  “Lizzie, let’s talk about this.”

  She lowered the book and looked at me. “What’s there to talk about, Mom?”

  I moved to the edge of the bed and took a seat. “You’re really okay with this?”

  She set the book on the nightstand and sat up. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

  “Well, I’ve never had a man around before.”

  “Why is that?” she asked. “I’m only twelve, and I’m already boy crazy. You must be super crazy.”

  I chuckled. “I …wanted to wait until you were out of the house first.”

  “Why?”

  “I just wanted it to be us. The only relationship that matters to me is the one we have. When you don’t need me anymore, then I can pursue that.”

  “Then why are you and Derek together?” she asked.

  This was the deepest conversation we’d ever had about boys and relationships. She rarely told me about the boys she liked, and we hadn’t had the birds and bees talk. She seemed too young to me, but that was quickly changing…whether I wanted it to or not. “Derek is…different.” I would make every exception in the world to be with him.

  “Different?” she asked.

  “Yeah. He’s not like other men. He’s really special, Lizzie. I just couldn’t risk losing him. He’s the one, you know.”

  She nodded like she understood. “You love him.”

  “Very much.” I couldn’t hide it from her, so I just told her.

  “Yeah, he told me he loved you very much too.”

  My eyes softened when I pictured him telling her that. “It means a lot to me that you’re okay with this. I know it’s hard to imagine someone else coming into our lives and potentially being a part of our family.”

  She shrugged. “I really like him, Mom.”

  That was music to my years. “I know you do.”

  “He told me he’s not trying to be my stepdad. He said we can be friends.”

  I nodded. “Friends is good.”

  “You think you’ll get married?”

  I nodded. “Someday.”

  “You think you’ll get married when I’m still living here?”

  “I really don’t know, Lizzie. But if that’s not something you want, we won’t do it. You’re the most important thing in my life. You come first.” I wanted her to know that no matter how much I loved him, I would never love him more than her, that she was always top tier and he was second tier.

  Lizzie didn’t have a reaction to that. “Okay.” She seemed totally fine with it, relaxed, like Derek wasn’t an intruder in our lives, but a positive addition.

  I couldn’t believe how easy this was. “Okay?”

  “Yeah. What more do you want me to say about it?”

  “I just… I wasn’t expecting this to be so easy for you. Our lives have been the same for a really long time, and now things are changing.”

  “I guess I don’t see it that way. Some of my teachers and my counselors are negative and cold, and some of my friends’ parents suck, and Derek is like the best teacher I’ve ever had. He’s always positive and understanding, and when I read what he wrote in his book to you…the guy seemed harmless. There’s just a lot of dicks out of there, and he’s not one of them. I’m excited to have him around more. I guess that’s why it so easy for me.”

  The reason this was working so well was because of Derek, because of who he was. He showed Lizzie what he showed me, that he was innately kind, innately loving, innately phenomenal…and earned her approval. This never would have worked with another guy. Lizzie would have been cold and suspicious and rejected anyone who came into our lives.

  But not Derek.

  Derek got into the car the next morning. “How’d it go with Lizzie last night?”

  “Great. She’s totally fine with it.”

  He nodded. “That’s great.”

  “I can’t believe she bulldozed you like that, though. I expected her to come after me first.”

  “She said she wanted to question me because I was the one who wrote in the book.”

  I nodded slowly. “I guess that makes sense.”

  Derek drank from his coffee then opened his satchel as usual.

  “I feel so much better about everything. I can’t believe this is happening.”

  He turned back to me. “Lizzie is a selfless and mature young lady. She’s definitely more aware than other twelve-year-olds, at least it seems that way. She must get it from you. She’s watched you selflessly take care of your parents, put other people before yourself, always be there for her…and now she understands that she needs to be selfless for you.”

  I was far prouder of that than any of the A’s she got. “Yeah.”

  He pulled out his paperwork and got to work.

  “Would you want to come over on Saturday night?” I asked. “Have dinner with us, watch TV…sleep over.” I wanted to spend more of my nights with him, and now that Lizzie was okay with it, I could finally have what I wanted. I didn’t have to spend every weekend away from him. We could finally spend time together.

  He turned back to me. “Yes.”

  “And now that we can see each other on the weekends, you can change your schedule back.” I hadn’t wanted him to change his life around for me in the first place. Now he could have that time back.

  He shook his head and looked down at the paperwork. “No. I enjoy those mornings too much to give them up.”

  As the day passed, Derek became more irritable.

  It was written all over his face.

  When Jerome and Pierre asked him something, his responses became shorter. His jaw tightened, and there were times when his eyes wandered to the surface of the table, just staring and not actually doing anything.

  He said there was someone he dreaded seeing that evening, but dread wasn’t the right word.

  Loathe was more appropriate.

  I’d already asked him once and he didn’t share the specifics, so I wouldn’t ask him again.

  He left when Jerome and Pierre left for the day, which was early for him, probably because he needed to be on time to this get-together. We left in the golf cart, not saying a word to each other, and the rest of the drive was spent in the exact same capacity.

  I knew his unease had nothing to do with me, so I didn’t take it personally, but I missed his affectionate ways. I wished we could spend our time celebrating our victory rather than in discomfort.<
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  We pulled up to his building, and he grabbed his satchel.

  It seemed like he might leave without saying goodbye.

  “Derek?”

  He turned back to me, like he’d forgotten I was there. He stared at me, his brown eyes a little hostile.

  “It’ll be fine, Derek. Just get through it, and it’ll be over.”

  His eyes relaxed slightly.

  “If it’s obvious to me that you’re this furious, it’ll be obvious to everyone else.”

  He released the breath he was holding. “You’re right.”

  “Just try to relax. And don’t think about it.” He’d been thinking about it all day, and that made his entire body tense, from his arms to his eyes. When he clenched his jaw, he probably ground his teeth together.

  He nodded. “You’re right. I’ll see you tomorrow.” He leaned in and kissed me before he got out.

  I watched him go before Ronnie pulled away, and I hoped my words would make a difference.

  17

  Derek

  My driver dropped me off outside the bar, and I stepped out in dark jeans and a long-sleeved shirt. I approached the doors but didn’t go inside right away. I dragged my fingers across my jawline, thinking about the task ahead of me. I didn’t spend my time thinking about Kevin, and thankfully, I hadn’t seen him once in ten years. I didn’t look him up on social media, so I had no idea what he looked like, if he’d changed at all. I hoped he wouldn’t talk to me, and I hoped Ryan had relayed to him that I wouldn’t be interested if he tried to pursue it.

  But Kevin wasn’t the center of attention this evening.

  It was Ryan.

  I shouldn’t care about Kevin. I shouldn’t think about him. I shouldn’t let him affect my mood like this, make me so angry when I’d spent the last ten years being angry enough. He was the one who’d decided to be a dick, so he could be uncomfortable all night.

  Not me.

  After my little pep talk, I made my way inside the bar.

  It was dark, there was loud music overhead, people were gathered at the large bar getting drinks, mingling at the standing tables, and sitting in the dark booths around the edges. People danced in the center, holding their glasses as they enjoyed the beginning of the weekend.

  It didn’t take me long to spot them across the room, lounging in a large leather seating area with various chairs. At least a dozen guys were spread out talking to one another, most of the men guys I knew, but some I didn’t.

  I didn’t look for Kevin.

  I looked at Ryan, who took a shot then wiped his mouth with his forearm.

  It looked like he was having a good time.

  I went to the bar, ordered a scotch, and then walked over.

  When Ryan saw me approach, he raised his fist in the air. “Here comes the best man!”

  The guys all raised their voices and their drinks.

  Ryan was clearly already drunk, his cheeks red and a loopy grin on his face.

  I grinned as I came close and gave him a one-armed hug. “Damn, you’re already drunk, and it’s eight o’clock. So much for being casual.” I patted him on the back before I gripped his shoulder.

  “You’re such an asshole, and I fucking love you.” He cupped my face and pressed a big kiss to my cheek.

  All the guys laughed.

  I patted him on the back. “Yeah, this just turned into a bachelor party.”

  “Woo-hoo!” Ryan raised his glass and took a drink, but he somehow missed his lips and got it all over himself.

  I snapped my fingers to his friend Brett. “Get this man another drink.”

  Brett chuckled and went to the bar.

  Ryan looked down at his shirt like he had no idea what happened. “My baby is gonna be pissed. She got this for me.”

  “She’ll marry you anyway, so don’t worry about it.” I dropped my arm and pulled out the cap from my back pocket. “I got this for you.”

  He took it and narrowed his eyes as he tried to read it. “This asshole is getting married…” He laughed then put it on his head. “Damn right, I am. And I’m gonna be fucking my wife every night like bow-chicka-wow-wow…”

  I patted his back. “I’m sure you will, man.”

  Brett came back with another drink for Ryan.

  I raised my glass. “To Ryan, the asshole who’s probably only going to remember half of the shit about to go down…”

  The rest of the guys raised their glasses and took a drink.

  Ryan didn’t miss his mouth this time. “Yaaasssss!”

  Kevin was there.

  He looked the same as he used to, tall, fit, with the same light-colored hair styled in the same way. He made eye contact with me once, but we never looked at each other again. There were a few guys at the party, so I never really had to interact with him directly.

  It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.

  We had a good time, and Ryan had a good time, and that was all that really mattered.

  Ryan eventually had so much to drink that we gave him water instead of vodka, and then he lay on one of the leather chairs to go to sleep. He pulled the bill of his hat over his face so he could cover his eyes and just lie there.

  Brett pulled back his sleeve and looked at his watch. “Who had ten thirty?”

  “I thought he’d make it until eleven, at least.” I sat beside him and smacked one of his shoes.

  Ryan flipped me the bird, but he pointed at the wall because he was too drunk to have any sense of direction. Then he dropped his arm at a weird angle, like he’d fallen asleep instantly and couldn’t keep his eyes open.

  Brett looked across the room then set his drink down. “I’ve been waiting for this woman to be alone all night.” He left the chair and smoothed out his shirt as he crossed the sea of people to where she stood alone at one of the tables, her friends all in the bathroom. She pulled out her phone and scrolled through it.

  It was just Ryan and me in the seating area now because the guys were mingling with girls or other people they knew.

  I stayed at his side to keep an eye on him so no one would rob him or do anything weird. Women made a few passes at me, but I told them to leave me alone. I wasn’t even nice about it because it was just obnoxious. I didn’t make eye contact with them, and I sure didn’t act like a single guy. I either looked at one of the guys or at my glass so it wouldn’t appear I was inviting anyone over.

  Whatever. It was unavoidable, I guess.

  Someone sat in the seat across from me, so I looked up, expecting to see a woman who’d decided to engage me in another pointless conversation.

  But it was Kevin.

  My blood immediately boiled when I realized he’d come to talk with me.

  I couldn’t leave Ryan there by himself, so I couldn’t walk off.

  So, I stared Kevin down, my look ice-fucking-cold.

  He held my gaze for a while before he dropped it.

  Leave.

  But he lifted his gaze and looked at me again, wearing that same stupid guilty expression on his face that he had the night before my wedding, when I’d found out he’d been fucking my fiancée and had no intention of telling me about it. “Derek—”

  “Walk. Away.” I set my glass down so my fist would be ready to punch him in the face if it came to that. I told Ryan I didn’t have a problem with Kevin being there, but I never said I would behave myself if he provoked me. “You’re here for Ryan. I’m here for Ryan. So, let’s go back to ignoring each other.”

  Ryan continued to sleep beside me, obviously knocked out because he didn’t react to his two friends engaging in a very hostile interaction.

  Kevin’s elbows rested on his knees, and his glass was in one hand. He bowed his head again and looked at it for a while, gathering his bearings, taking my rejection in silence. But instead of getting up and walking away, he lifted his head and looked at me again. “Look, I’m sorry. I’m fucking sorry—”

  “Does it seem like I’m looking for an apology?”

&nb
sp; He shut his mouth tightly, his jaw clenching just the way it used to when we were young. He’d been my best friend since first grade, and we’d stayed best friends all the way through undergrad. And then it all went to shit…because he couldn’t keep his dick in his pants. Because he forgot the meaning of loyalty. Because he forgot what it meant to be a friend. He looked away and squeezed his glass, the look of irritation exactly the same as it used to be, like he hadn’t aged a day. “I know you don’t care, Derek. But I’ve felt like shit for the last ten years, and I…think about you all the time—”

  “I never think about you.” I was just as angry as I was the night everything happened. “Walk away, or I will deck you the way I did on the night before my wedding. You know, the worst day of my fucking life.”

  He winced slightly, as if the insult truly hurt him. “I would give anything to take back what I did. I would give anything for us to be friends again.” His eyes turned emotional as if he might burst into tears. “You have no idea how much I regret everything…”

  “Still don’t care, Kevin.” My anger was so raw that my body radiated heat, simmering like the plains of a desert that burned at 120 degrees Fahrenheit. “Now get the fuck away from me and pretend I don’t exist. I’ve managed to pretend you don’t exist this entire time quite effectively.”

  He bowed his head but still didn’t leave.

  The only reason I still sat there was because my loyalty to Ryan was greater than my rage for this piece of shit.

  Like an idiot, Kevin tried again. “Look, I’m getting married—”

  “Then maybe I should fuck your fiancée the way you fucked mine.”

  He shut his mouth and closed his eyes, like he should have seen that coming.

  “This is my final warning, Kevin. Walk away. Don’t speak to me. Don’t look at me. You have five seconds. Otherwise, I will break your fucking face until it’s unrecognizable and your fiancée won’t even want you anymore.”

  He stared down at the floor.

  “Five.”

  He sighed so loudly that I actually heard it over the music.