The Boy Who Has No Belief (Soulless Book 7)

by Victoria Quinn

  “And it’s also sweet that you don’t want anything to be about you, just them.”

  I wished I’d done a better job of that with Kevin, but he’d cornered me and I didn’t know how to restrain my anger. But no one knew about it, so no harm done. Unless Kevin was a little bitch and told people.

  “So, are you taking me as your date to this thing?”

  I grinned. “Definitely. You’re my baby.”

  She smiled back, like she loved the possessive nickname. “That’ll be fun. I love weddings.”

  I fucking hated weddings. But I didn’t say that and just kept it to myself. I had no idea how I was going to get through the rehearsal dinner with a lot of the same people who were at my rehearsal dinner—and not think about that godawful night. Everyone would be thinking about it since Kevin and Tabitha would be there. It would be like a fucking reunion.

  But this was about Ryan, and not me.

  I’d walk in there with my head held high and swallow my humiliation. For him.

  I grinned as I sat across from him. “Did you wear that to work?”

  He grabbed his hat by the bill and straightened it. “Hell yeah. I love this thing.”

  “You’re never going to get employee of the month now.”

  “Fuck it, I don’t want it anyway. If they fire me, Camille will just strip, and I’ll retire.”

  I chuckled. “Sounds like a good plan.”

  The waitress came over, and we ordered a couple beers. Ryan asked for some jalapeno poppers because he was starving. They came out a couple minutes later, and we drank our beers and dunked the fried peppers into the sauces.

  “Did you throw up the next day?” I asked.

  “Just once. No big deal. What about you?”

  “What about me?”

  “Did you throw up? You went straight for the scotch.”

  “I never throw up, man.”

  He rolled his eyes. “Asshole.”

  “Hey, this asshole carried you out of that bar and got you home.”

  “True. That was pretty badass. Camille said you even carried me into the apartment, Band of Brothers style.”

  “The rumors are true.”

  “She loves the hat.” He grabbed the bill and adjusted it again. “Put it on and rode me the other night.”

  “Nice.”

  “Hell yeah, it was niiiiice.” He winked before he placed another popper in his mouth. “Did you have a good time?”

  “Yeah, it was a blast.” I’d never make a single complaint. “The guys were great, the drinks were strong, and you made an idiot out of yourself, so that was fun to watch.”

  “I always make an idiot out of myself, so it wasn’t that surprising.” He kept eating, getting a few more into his mouth before he took a drink of his beer. Then he grew quiet, really quiet. “So…something happen with Kevin?” His voice was tentative, like he knew the change in subject would ruin our nice conversation.

  My eyes narrowed. “Wow, I guess I gave Kevin too much credit to assume he would keep his mouth shut.” Why did I give him any credit at all when he was lifting up my fiancée’s dress and fucking her the second I looked the other way? His disloyalty caused me far more heartbreak than her infidelity. We had been best friends since first grade, and that friendship meant nothing to him. He used to come to the cabin with us in the summer, came with us to the NASA center in Texas, went on vacation with us to the Caribbean, and all that ceased to matter the second he got his dick wet.

  Ryan flinched at my reaction. “He didn’t say anything. What are you talking about?”

  My eyes narrowed again. “Then what are you talking about?” Fuck, I shouldn’t have shown my hand so quickly.

  “The guys told me they saw you talking while I was passed out. I hoped it went well since you didn’t wake me up.”

  “You were out cold, man.”

  He ignored the poppers and the beer and stared at me, serious and quiet. “So, what happened?”

  “Doesn’t matter, Ryan. Let it go.”

  He inhaled a deep breath and sighed. “You know I can’t let it go, man. Just tell me.”

  “It’s not about us. It’s about you—”

  “You guys are both my friends. I’d ask Kevin about it, but I’d rather ask you.”

  I scanned the bar and looked for the exit even though I wouldn’t run. I couldn’t run from this.

  “If this is a problem, I’ll cut Kevin. He doesn’t have—”

  “No. This is why I hate Kevin even more, because if he’d just stayed the fuck away from me, we could have had a nice night and this conversation wouldn’t be happening right now. We’re grown-ass men, and we can be around each other to celebrate this moment with you. I told him off, and unless he’s a fucking idiot, he should stay away from me—so no more problems. It’s over.”

  Ryan dropped his gaze for a moment.

  “He’s a selfish asshole for making it about us and not you.” What a fucking prick.

  Ryan lifted his gaze and looked at me. “I don’t think he’s a prick. I think he just couldn’t resist the opportunity to talk to you. He’s told me many times over the years that he regrets everything that happened, and he really misses having you as a friend. He said it hit him really hard a year after everything happened…that he lost not just his best friend, but his family.”

  That meant nothing to me. “I’m really fucking sick of talking about Kevin.”

  “How?” he asked. “We never talk about him.”

  “He’s not someone I discuss. Period. It’s been ten years, and I’m happy he’s not in my life anymore. I regret that he was ever in my life to begin with. If I’d known what kind of jackass he was going to be, I wouldn’t have been his friend in the first place.”

  Ryan stared at me for a while, like he didn’t know what to say. “I guess I can surmise what he said to you…”

  “Just a bunch of bullshit I don’t want to hear. Told me he was getting married. If I weren’t happy with Emerson, I would hunt his fiancée down and fuck her brains out just to hurt him the way he hurt me.”

  Ryan watched me, his eyes sympathetic. “No, you wouldn’t.”

  “You’re wrong about that.”

  “No, I’m not. You’re the best guy I know, and you would never do that—even if he did do it to you. I know you’re just angry right now.”

  I dropped my chin and stared down at my beer. “Is this conversation over yet?”

  “No, unfortunately.”

  I sighed loudly.

  “Look, Kevin and Tabitha both fucked up. They were wrong. They were…assholes. You have every right to be mad about the whole thing. Anyone would be. And you dodged a bullet not ending up with Tabitha and getting with Emerson instead.”

  Emerson. She was the best thing that ever happened to me. Just the mention of her name calmed me down again.

  “But…”

  “Don’t you say that fucking word—”

  “It’s been ten years, and they’re different people. I know Tabitha still regrets what she did. But Kevin…really regrets it. He always asks about you, always wants to know how you’re doing, asks if you would be receptive to another conversation. And I always tell him no. But he’s been just as miserable as you’ve been because this still haunts him. You guys were so close. You guys were like brothers—”

  “And then he had an affair with the woman I loved.” I was exhausted, emotionally drained, and I just didn’t have it in me anymore to keep doing this. “Kevin made his decision. He’s the reason we lost our friendship. That’s not on me. It’s not on me to forgive him and give him another chance. It’s not on me to salvage what we had. I trusted him implicitly, didn’t question any time they were together, and he pissed that away. So, don’t remind me how close we were, how much he meant to me, because I would have given him my fucking heart in a transplant, I loved him so fucking much, so this is not my problem. It’s not my responsibility to change it.”

  I was in a worse mood than I had been over the
weekend, but I couldn’t cancel on Lizzie on such notice. By the time I left Ryan, Lizzie and Emerson were already at my penthouse waiting for me.

  I’d have to suck it up.

  I didn’t take a ride from Ronnie and walked there instead, hoping the exercise would calm me down. But I spent the entire walk thinking about the whole thing, so if anything, it just made me worse.

  I walked into the penthouse and saw Lizzie and Emerson sitting at the table, laughing about something.

  With a smile on her face, Emerson turned to me. “Hey, Derek. How’s Ryan?”

  I stepped farther into the room and forced myself to calm down, not to take it out on Emerson for being there when I wasn’t in the right state of mind to do this. It wasn’t her fault that I’d made this commitment, that Kevin had decided to engage with me and piss me the fuck off. I closed my eyes, took a breath, and then responded. “Good. He’s good.”

  Emerson knew me well enough to know my reaction was totally fake. She left the chair and walked to me, but instead of questioning me, she wrapped her arms around me and hugged me.

  That was exactly what I needed.

  Her.

  I hugged her back and placed my face in the crook of her neck, smelling her hair, squeezing her small waist and bringing her into me. My baby loved me with her whole heart, would never hurt me, would never lie to me, and she was home. She was my fucking home. I pulled away then placed my forehead against hers, not caring if Lizzie saw. “I love you.” I let the words escape as a whisper even though I wasn’t afraid of my feelings. I didn’t say those words often like other people because I never understood the practice. When I said something like that, I wanted to feel it before I spoke, for it to be as potent as possible. I also felt like love was a state of being, something you showed so greatly that you didn’t need to say it. I saw it with my parents, the way they visibly loved each other in everything they did, and you could just feel it in every room they stepped into. That was what I wanted.

  She kissed me before she released me. “I love you too.”

  I stepped away from her then approached the table. “Hey, Lizzie.”

  “Hey, Derek.” She grinned at me when I sat beside her, either because she was happy to see me or my affection with her mother was something to smirk about it.

  Emerson didn’t ask if we should reschedule. She just silently excused herself and left the penthouse.

  The longer I worked with Lizzie, the better I felt.

  She was a great student, eager to learn, and that was fun for me.

  It was far harder to inspire a student to try than to teach a student who already wanted to learn. But I somehow had accomplished that, invigorated her drive and ambition.

  Lizzie finished the problems I made for her then slid them toward me.

  I started to work through them, writing out the steps she missed on the problems she got incorrect so she could keep it for reference.

  “Why were you mad?”

  My pen stilled, and I shifted my gaze to her.

  “When you came in, you seemed really mad.”

  “Oh…I just… It’s nothing.” I went back to work.

  “It didn’t seem like nothing.”

  My eyes shifted back to hers. “I had a drink with a friend. We have this mutual friend who used to be my best friend—and we aren’t friends anymore.”

  “Oh…that sucks.”

  “Yeah.” I kept working.

  “Why aren’t you friends anymore?”

  “Because he’s not a good person.”

  She nodded slowly. “I’m sorry that happened to you.”

  I lifted my gaze and looked at her again. “Thanks, Lizzie.”

  “I don’t have a lot of friends. Mom says I’ll have more in high school.”

  “You’ll make friends in every step of your life. You’ll have work friends, mutual friends with your significant other, people you meet at the gym…so don’t worry about it if you don’t make a lot of friends in high school either.”

  “I guess that’s true. Do you have a lot of friends?”

  “A few.”

  “And my mom is your best friend?”

  I knew she got that from the words I’d written in the book. “Yeah.”

  “Your best friend isn’t a boy?”

  “No.” Ryan was my best friend, but I felt like Emerson had replaced him, not that it was a contest.

  Her eyes narrowed in confusion. “But how can Mom be your best friend and your girlfriend?”

  I never felt that way about Tabitha, that she was my best friend. I loved her, but that level of closeness had never been there. That was what I learned about love when I met Emerson. The person you decided to be with should be more than just your lover. They should be everything you needed. “Your girlfriend should be your best friend. Think about it. Do you ever fight with your best friend? No. Is your best friend your favorite person to do stuff with? Yes. So, shouldn’t the person you love be the person who has all those qualities?”

  She stared at me as she considered what I said.

  “That’s my best advice when it comes to love. You shouldn’t fight with your partner, the way you shouldn’t fight with your best friend. If you did, would they be your best friend? No. We look for the wrong qualities in our partners sometimes.”

  “Have your other girlfriends been your best friend too?”

  “No, and I think that’s why they weren’t right for me. But your mother is right for me.”

  She smiled. “She told me you’re going to get married someday.”

  “I’m sure we will.”

  “Yeah?” she asked, her smile faltering.

  “Why is that surprising?”

  “I just always thought guys don’t like to get married. That’s what happens in the movies and stuff.”

  “That is true. But when you get older, don’t be with a guy who doesn’t want to marry you. Don’t waste your time with a guy who doesn’t know what he wants. Be with a guy who doesn’t play games. I tell your mother how I feel every day, and I don’t play it cool. That’s what a man does.”

  She nodded slowly. “Thanks for the heads-up.”

  “Anytime.”

  “That’s so great,” Mom said across from me at the dinner table. “I’m so happy to hear that.”

  Dad stopped eating because he was more interested in the story. “So, she picked up on your relationship because of what you wrote in the book?”

  “Yeah.” I never told them what it said.

  “What did you write?” Dad asked. “Not to be nosy, I’m just curious.”

  I told them the truth because I had nothing to hide. “I said I loved her.”

  Mom grinned so wide, like it was Christmas morning and I liked the gift she got me. “Aww…”

  My dad didn’t smile, but his eyes filled with affection the way they had when he’d read what I wrote to him.

  “Not the way we wanted Lizzie to find out, but she was fine with it.” It worked out pretty well.

  “I think that was the best way she could find out, actually,” Mom said. “Think about it. She already likes you, and then she sees this incredibly beautiful gesture you made for her mom…”

  Dad nodded. “It showed Lizzie that you really care for her mom, and you obviously really care for her as well. That’s a great way to earn her trust, to show that you’re good for both of them, that you have good intentions.”

  “Yeah.” I never thought about it that way. I continued to eat.

  “So, when do we get to meet her?” Mom asked excitedly. “We should all go to the cabin together.”

  “Why would you guys meet her?” I asked bluntly.

  “Why wouldn’t we?” Mom asked, slightly hurt.

  I backpedaled because I didn’t mean to hurt her feelings. “I just mean, I told Lizzie we’re friends, so why would she meet my parents? I guess if Emerson and I were married, it would make sense, but—”

  “You love this woman,” Mom said quickly. “This relat
ionship is serious. She’s a part of your life, so she’s a part of our life. And we love Emerson dearly, whether you’re together or not. We would love to meet her daughter.”

  It made more sense when she put it that way. “Just don’t treat her like a grandkid because it might confuse her—”

  “Why can’t we treat her that way?” Dad asked. “We want Lizzie to feel comfortable with us, to make Emerson feel like she’s a part of this family. So yeah, we’ll probably buy her stuff and dote on her.”

  Mom smiled like she was proud of Dad’s response. “We’re gonna smother her with love, so deal with it.”

  Dad nodded. “Yep. You’re gonna have to get over it, son.”

  I looked down at my food and started to eat again. “I know a defeat when I see one…”

  20

  Emerson

  It was Friday evening when we left the lab and headed home in the back of the SUV. When he’d stepped into the penthouse on Tuesday and looked like he wanted to rip apart the furniture, I knew something had happened with Ryan, but since he didn’t want to talk about it, I stopped asking.

  Maybe someday he would come around.

  I didn’t want to yank it out of him. I wanted him to tell me because he wanted to tell me.

  After I held him and gave him what he needed, he snapped out of his rage and turned into the man I’d fallen in love with. Then everything was alright, and it’d been that way ever since.

  “I had dinner with my parents last night.” He turned to me, relaxed in the seat like he was tired from the long day of running around the lab and working with the guys on something I would never understand.

  “How are they?”

  “Good. Desperate to meet Lizzie.”

  “Yeah?” I didn’t just fall in love with Derek, but his family as well. How many parents would be so happy about my twelve-year-old daughter that they wanted to meet her and spend time with her? It made me more embarrassed that my mother was so harsh with him outside the apartment door.

  “Yes. They’re very intent on making that happen.”