The Boy Who Has No Belief (Soulless Book 7)

by Victoria Quinn

  “Explain what?” His nostrils flared because he was out-of-his-mind pissed off. “Explain why you lied to me this entire time? Explain why you crossed a line you shouldn’t have crossed? Explain why you never told me the truth? Explain why the person I trusted most betrayed my trust?”

  “Derek.” I raised my hands slowly, so fucking scared right now, scared I would lose him. “Please, let me explain.”

  His nostrils continued to flare as he breathed hard, staring me down like an enemy.

  “I opened the document because I wasn’t sure what it was. I love your writing, so I thought it was another story you were writing. I thought maybe you were switching to romance or something, I don’t know. But I love your writing, so I kept reading…because it was fucking hot. And yes, I read to the bottom and realized you were writing about me. Even if it was another story you were writing, I shouldn’t have read it without your permission. But at the time, I wasn’t thinking that clearly. I wrote my own story in return because I intended to give it to you…because I was just as attracted to you. I was attracted to you the moment I laid eyes on you. But I didn’t give it to you because you had some girl over the night before, and I was so jealous and so hurt that I realized it was a bad idea to go down that road, to get involved with my boss and think it wouldn’t be complicated. So, I never gave it to you.”

  His eyes narrowed on my face, still livid.

  “I’m sorry that I invaded your privacy. I understand why you’re angry. You’re right, I shouldn’t have read it. I should have closed out of it and told you that all of your documents were being shared with me—”

  “So, every time I wrote something, it updated you, and you opened it and read it like a fucking newsletter subscription. Emerson, this was going on and on, and you kept it to yourself. Fucking wrong.”

  I bowed my head, my heart racing. “Derek, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I made you uncomfortable.”

  “No, you embarrassed me. You played out the fantasies I wrote about, and I thought it was genuine—”

  “It was genuine. I didn’t do that as an act. I did it because I wanted to, and I liked it.”

  He looked away and rubbed his jawline.

  “Derek, I feel like you’re overreacting because you’re in a dark place—”

  “Wow.” His hands moved to his hips. “So, your response is to belittle my feelings. You invaded my privacy and read my most private thoughts. Emerson, we weren’t two people in love at that point in time. I was your boss, and it took me so much courage to let you into my home to do things outside of my presence. To know you knew exactly how I felt about that and you invaded my privacy like that is fucking wrong.”

  I didn’t know how to fix this. I didn’t know how to undo what I’d done. “Derek, I’m so sorry. I really am.”

  “No, you aren’t. If you were sorry, you would have come clean to me about it. But you were going to carry this lie forever.”

  “Because that girl was in your penthouse, so I didn’t want to give you my story—”

  “And after that?” he demanded. “What about the months and months after that? Emerson, if you’d told me the truth, I would have appreciated the honesty, and our trust would be intact. But you didn’t do that.”

  “Okay, I should have done that.”

  “But you didn’t. Bottom line—you didn’t.”

  “What are you saying?” He wasn’t going to end things because of this, right? “Derek, I didn’t cheat on you or do something sinister or manipulative—”

  “Trust is a big fucking deal to me, Emerson. I wanted to be in this relationship because I found someone I could trust implicitly. I found someone who would always be honest with me, who would always have my back, who would be absolutely transparent with me. I don’t accept lies.”

  “I didn’t lie—”

  “You lied by omission, and these excuses aren’t helping your case.”

  “They aren’t excuses, Derek. Look, I apologized and I meant it. Can you please forgive me so we can move on?”

  He stared me down, his eyes devoid of all emotion.

  “Derek?” I could not lose him over this. After everything we’d been through, this could not be the thing that broke us. “I love you with my whole being, and you know that.” My eyes started to water when I wished they wouldn’t. “I love you…in a way I can’t even explain. I’d give my life for you. I made a mistake, just like you’ve made mistakes, and we need to forgive and forget. Okay?”

  He shook his head. “I don’t forgive you. I’m still mad. I’m still really fucking mad.”

  My eyes started to water more.

  “But I’ll move on…because I don’t know what else to do.”

  I closed my eyes automatically, feeling the rush of relief his words gave me. It was a fight, a fight that divided us, but not a fight that would break us.

  He pulled back his sleeve and looked at his watch. “We’ve got to go. If we don’t leave now, we’ll never make this stupid fucking dinner.”

  29

  Derek

  The wedding rehearsal was on the rooftop of Ryan’s building.

  It wasn’t as fancy as mine had been, but it reminded me of that night. There were no strands of lights and big vases of flowers, and the air was cold rather than warm, but it was still under the night sky—and it left a bad taste in my mouth.

  I knew Ryan would have done something else if he could afford it, but using the rooftop was free, so I couldn’t blame him.

  We opened the door and stepped onto the patio. Everyone was already there, their families and friends, and Emerson and I were late because I’d stayed at the lab too long…because of our fight that came out of nowhere.

  Emerson was in a long-sleeved sweater dress with knee-high boots, beautiful as always, but I was too angry with her to really appreciate her looks.

  Her arm hooked through mine, and before I could take a step forward, she gently turned me toward her so she could look into my face. “I love you.” Her hand moved to my stomach before she changed positions again and cupped the side of my face. In her heels, she was much taller, her lips much closer to mine than usual. “This night will pass, and it’ll be over. And these hard times will turn into good times again. And we’ll spend our lives together…and be happy.”

  I knew she was trying to make me feel better, and it was somewhat successful because I wasn’t quite as angry as I’d been before. My arm moved around her waist, and I pulled her in so I could kiss her, kiss her for the first time in nearly a week. “I love you too.”

  She wrapped her arms around me and hugged me, her face moving into my chest, holding on to me like she lived for my affection.

  I pressed a kiss to her forehead and let her go as Ryan walked up.

  “Hey, man.” Ryan hugged me and patted me on the back. “You shouldn’t be allowed to wear a leather jacket. You look too hot.”

  “He does,” Emerson said as she rubbed my arm.

  “I wouldn’t have had to wear a jacket if you’d had this inside.” I didn’t mean to make a jab, but it just came out.

  Thankfully, Ryan didn’t take it that way. He turned to Emerson. “Nice to see you again.” He gave her a hug. “The space heaters were just turned on, so it should warm up pretty quickly. But I’m sure this hunk can keep you warm.”

  Camille came next and hugged us both. “Thank you for coming. I can’t believe I’m finally marrying this man after, what? Almost twenty years? Took you long enough.”

  Ryan grabbed her left hand and showed us her ring. “Woman, you know how long it took me to save up for this ring? That’s a $15,000 diamond. Took some time to earn that shit.”

  “Well, I would have been happy with anything, Ryan. I just want to be with you.”

  Ryan’s eyes softened, and he brought her in close for a kiss.

  I let them have their privacy and walked away, my arm around Emerson as I guided her through the party. We talked to some of the guys. There were only about twenty people there, so
it was a small group, and that meant more intimacy with Kevin than I wanted. I tried not to think about it.

  My eyes moved around the patio, and I spotted her.

  She was exactly as I remembered, same hairstyle, same colored eyes, same posture. She spoke to one of the other bridesmaids, but when they stepped away, her eyes landed on me.

  And we stared at each other.

  That night was crystal clear in my mind, and I remembered every detail of the dress she wore, of the way the diamonds from her ring sparkled. I remembered the unease on her face that I hadn’t noticed until I understood why she was nervous. I remembered the sound of her voice like an echo in my mind that had never faded.

  But then I turned away and acted like I hadn’t see her at all.

  Emerson didn’t notice. “It’s nice. Ryan and Camille seem happy.”

  “Yeah, they do.”

  Ryan had made a seating chart, probably to make sure I wouldn’t get stuck anywhere near Kevin or Tabitha to keep me from having an unexpected outburst and making a scene at his rehearsal dinner.

  Emerson sat beside me, and I tried to focus on her instead of how uncomfortable I felt being around the two people I despised—in the same situation as the last time I was with both of them at the same time.

  I thought it was amazing I was there at all.

  Emerson didn’t ask me which of the guys was the one I had a problem with. She talked to me about Lizzie, about the Christmas gifts she’d picked out for her, and what their plans were over the winter break.

  I listened—but only partially.

  Our earlier fight was no longer on my mind because I was more stressed out by my current situation.

  Once dinner was finished, the evening would conclude—and then I could get the fuck out of here.

  The champagne had been depleted and the plates were clean, so the waiters started to clean everything up. People rose from their chairs and started to mingle before they filed out. Emerson and I waited to say goodbye to Ryan and Camille, but people kept bombarding them before we got a chance.

  “I’m going to use the restroom. I’ll be back.” She left my side then walked into the building.

  Now I was alone, and I felt vulnerable. I almost asked her to wait until we got home, but then she would ask why I would make such a ridiculous request, and that would segue into a conversation I didn’t want to have.

  So, I said nothing and stood alone.

  Just as I feared, Tabitha moved in.

  I didn’t look at her.

  She stopped in front of me and waited until I actually looked at her face.

  I shifted my gaze to hers, feeling the hate burn inside my chest, the memory of that night playing back in my head. If I’d never overheard their conversation, she and I might be married right now…and I’d look like an idiot who had no idea she let my best friend fuck her. Before anything could happen and I could lose my temper, I made a preemptive strike. “We’re here for Ryan and Camille. So let’s just be quiet and ignore each other, alright?”

  She continued to stare at me like she had no idea what I said. There was no ring on her finger, so she hadn’t married someone. Or maybe she had and she was divorced…because she couldn’t keep her legs closed. “I just… I wanted to apologize—”

  “Why? It was ten years ago. I’m over it.”

  “Well, I never really had a chance. You wouldn’t take my calls—”

  “I didn’t realize I was obligated to do so. You were obligated to be faithful to me, and you weren’t, so…do I really owe you anything?” I hadn’t talked to her once since that night. I ran out of there and blocked her number. She tried to see me in person a few times, but I didn’t let that happen either. Now I had the chance to say everything I never got to say, but I’d rather not say anything at all.

  She flinched at the insult. “Kevin told me you were still pretty angry—”

  “I’m not angry about that. I’m angry that you both continue to try to talk to me when I have no interest in speaking to either one of you. We aren’t friends, Tabitha. Now, walk away before I raise my voice and do something I regret.” I kept my hands in my pockets and scanned the area, seeing more and more people file out so we didn’t have as much of an audience. Ryan and Camille were busy talking to a family member, so they didn’t notice what was happening.

  “I understand,” she said quietly. “I just want you to know that I’ve regretted my actions for the last decade. You were the best guy ever, and I see everything you’ve done in the past ten years, and I know I really missed out on something special. I threw away the best thing that ever happened to me, and I hate myself for it.”

  “So, you don’t regret what you did because it made you a shitty person, but you regret that you missed out on a guy who ended up a billionaire—got it.”

  “No, that’s not what I meant—”

  “I don’t care what you meant. Walk away. Now.”

  She stayed rooted to the spot.

  “You’re going to make me storm out of here like last time?” I couldn’t stop myself from raising my voice. She was making me angrier and angrier, and I was afraid Emerson would walk in here and see this at any moment. “Get the fuck away from me.”

  Ryan and Camille turned to look at us.

  Now I was really pissed. “Great, now everyone is looking at us.”

  Kevin walked over, probably to de-escalate the situation, but he was the worst person for the job. “Tabs, come on.” He grabbed her by the arm.

  “Tabs?” I turned my ferocity on him. “Seriously? You guys chummy enough for nicknames?” My ex-best friend and ex-fiancée had kept in touch all these years? They were close? I lost my best friend and fiancée the same night, and they continued a long relationship that had lasted ten years? And I’d lost them both? “Are you fucking kidding me?”

  Kevin stepped in front of her, like I might hit her or something.

  “Now I’m a wife-beater? You think I’m gonna hit a woman?”

  “No.” Kevin kept his voice down. “I just—”

  I punched him so hard in the face that he hit the ground with a loud thud, going unconscious just like last time. “Maybe I do hit women…because you’re not a fucking man.”

  Tabitha was white in the face, paralyzed like she didn’t know what to do.

  The woman who must have been Kevin’s fiancée screamed then ran over, kneeling and examining him with hysteria.

  Ryan’s eyes were wide open as if he couldn’t believe what had just happened.

  And Emerson stood there, wearing an expression I’d never seen before.

  I turned to Tabitha, hating her more than I ever had in my life. “Why didn’t you just leave me alone?”

  Her eyes watered, and she stepped back.

  I’d just ruined this night like a fucking asshole.

  Because I was a fucking asshole.

  “Derek!” Emerson’s voice was behind me, along with the sound of her boots on the concrete. “Slow down.”

  I took the stairs as quickly as I could without running. If I used the elevator, I would probably run into someone from the wedding, and dropping down fifty floors was an eternity at a moment like this. The emergency stairwell was the best option because no one would be there—which was exactly why Tabitha and Kevin had chosen to have their private conversation in one ten years ago.

  “Jesus Christ! Talk to me! I’m not going to chase you.”

  I halted at the sound of her voice, the way she yelled at me to get my attention. I turned around and looked at her, one hand on the metal bar that wrapped around the entire corner.

  She stilled, like she hadn’t expected me to actually stop. She breathed hard and gripped the bar for balance. Her forehead shone with sweat because we’d darted down ten floors in just a minute or so.

  I’d stormed out of there as quickly as I could, pushed through that door just like I did at my own rehearsal dinner. I relived it, piece by piece.

  “Derek, I know you don’t like to talk
about things, but we need to talk about this.”

  “Do we?” I asked coldly. “Seeing it with your own eyes wasn’t enough?”

  “I don’t like to make assumptions…”

  I shook my head because it didn’t matter. Everything was different now. It was hard to believe that three weeks ago I was happy, that I was a whole new man. The last four months felt like an alternate reality that had never actually happened. “I can’t do this anymore.” I hadn’t been in this relationship in weeks, and now I wasn’t in it at all.

  She was absolutely still as she listened to me, giving no reaction at all. “What are you saying?”

  “I’m saying that I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore.”

  She was still calm. “That’s too bad, Derek. I’m not going anywhere—”

  “When someone wants to break up, you break up. Sorry, Emerson, but that’s just how it goes.” I was tired of her commitment and her support. I didn’t want it anymore. I wanted her to leave me the fuck alone.

  She started to breathe more rapidly as she digested my cruelty. “It’s been a rough few weeks. I understand—”

  “You fucking lied to me!” My voice reverberated off the concrete in the stairwell, making me sound even louder than I normally did when I raised my voice. “You didn’t tell me about Lizzie. You’re a fucking liar, Emerson! You’re a liar just like the rest of the garbage in this city. You’re no different from Tabitha. You’re no different from Kevin.”

  She breathed harder, her eyes starting to moisten with tears. “Derek—”

  “I don’t want to do this anymore.” I turned away.

  When she said my name, it came out as a hysterical shriek. “Derek! Please don’t do this.”

  My body instinctively turned back to her when all I wanted to do was walk away and not look back. “It’s over, Emerson. I’m sorry, but it is.” I faced forward again.

  “What about Lizzie?”

  I stilled again, thinking about the young girl who made me smile when she smiled. But my affection for her was gone too. I turned back to Emerson and saw the tears running down her cheeks, her makeup ruined. “I said I would try. I tried.”