Sempre (Forever)

by JM Darhower

  Easy to hide, too. Haven had kept the doll concealed for years without her master knowing she had it.

  “I’m sure she could’ve bought them something, but she always thought simple and personal was best.”

  “She's right,” Haven said. “It is.”

  He sighed, gazing at the little doll where it lay. “A few months ago, I would’ve disagreed with that.”

  “And now?”

  He closed the drawer. “Everything’s different now.”

  Chapter 21

  Haven lay across her bed, clutching a pencil as she sketched on the top paper of a pile in front of her. She paused after a moment and surveyed the gray lines before balling it up and tossing it on the floor. Aggravated, she turned her attention to the blank page now on top.

  She’d been at it for hours, the floor littered with balls of white paper. She refused to count them, feeling guilty for wasting so much. Paper was made out of wood, and although there surely weren’t a lack of trees in Durante, she believed they weren’t something that should be taken for granted. Trees lived and breathed, enduring so much and still surviving, growing stronger and bigger no matter the conditions.

  Was it silly to think so highly of nature? Probably, but she did.

  She sketched another picture, balling it up with distaste. Throwing it hard, it smacked the wall and fell to the floor with a thud.

  It had been a few weeks since they cleaned Carmine’s room, and he kept it straightened up for the most part, but he’d occasionally fall back into old habits. She’d let things sit for a day or two before picking them up and putting them where they belonged. He’d grumble something about how it was unnecessary, but he never said anything about the fact that she took it upon herself to do it now.

  She glanced back down at the blank paper in front of her, sighing as she tossed the pencil aside. Gathering up the crumpled pieces of paper, she tossed them into the trashcan before heading downstairs.

  It was a Friday in the middle of December and happened to be Carmine’s last day of school before winter break. Haven was excited about the idea of him being home every day for a few weeks, but the reason for it left her conflicted. Christmas was fast approaching, and all she could think about was her mama in Blackburn. She remembered the look in her eyes as she’d sit in the stables and gaze at the ranch decorated in colored lights, wishing she was a part of something. For once, her mama didn’t want to be on the outside looking in.

  Haven knew the feeling well, and now she was torn between her sadness for not being with her mama and her excitement about finally being a part of it all.

  The DeMarco’s didn’t decorate a lot, except for a flimsy fake tree they’d put together out of a box, but Haven helped Carmine string on the lights. A few colored ornaments had been added in the days that followed, and Tess hung mistletoe in the doorway nearby. It wasn’t much, but Haven found herself staring at it every time she stepped into the family room.

  Dr. DeMarco’s presence had been scarce the past few weeks. Most nights he didn’t come home until after the sun had risen and then only stuck around long enough to change his clothes. Haven didn’t ask any questions since it wasn't her place, but she found it odd that he left her on her own so much.

  Did he finally believe she wouldn’t try to run again?

  She still cooked dinner every night, even though Dr. DeMarco usually wasn’t around for it. With him gone, she started eating at the table with Carmine and Dominic every night. They had a way of making her feel as if she actually belonged there. Not to say there weren’t awkward moments, as the nights Dr. DeMarco came home he never acknowledged her at dinner. She’d occasionally catch him giving her looks that made her uncomfortable, like he was preparing for something to happen that never did.

  Haven grabbed a soda from the kitchen, taking a sip when she heard a car pull up outside. The familiar Mercedes parked near the porch, and Dr. DeMarco headed straight into the house.

  His voice filtered inside as he stepped into the foyer, his phone to his ear. Shrugging off his coat, his eyes fell upon her. His gaze lingered there as he ended the call.

  “Can you go up to my office? I’ll be up in a moment.”

  He posed it as a question, but Haven knew it wasn’t negotiable. She nervously made her way to his office and sat down in the chair across from his desk.

  The room was silent, except for the ticking clock on the wall behind her, and it seemed like forever before she heard footsteps on the stairs. Her heart beat erratically as he neared, and she held her breath instinctively when Dr. DeMarco stepped inside.

  He stopped right in front of her, holding a large cotton swab and a plastic container. He opened the swab and discarded the wrapper as he crouched down in front of her. His knees cracked loudly, the harsh sound making her wince.

  She watched him warily as he smiled, something off about his expression. There was a hint of worry, maybe even a bit of aggravation, but it was mostly sadness, which surprised her. She stared at him, wondering what made him that way, but she knew she couldn’t ask. It wasn’t her place.

  “Open your mouth,” he ordered.

  She obliged, and he ran the cotton swab along the inside of her cheek. He stood back up when he was finished, placing the swab into the container. Leaning against his desk, he crossed his arms over his chest.

  “You don’t look—” His words were cut off abruptly by his phone ringing. Closing his eyes, Dr. DeMarco shook his head. “You’re excused, child.”

  * * * *

  Haven went straight for the family room and turned on the television, keeping the volume low so not to aggravate Dr. DeMarco. The boys arrived after a few minutes, their animated voices ringing through the house. Her eyes fell upon Carmine, and he winked as he sat down in a chair across the room. Dominic grinned and plopped down beside her, so close he nearly landed in her lap. He flung his arm over her shoulder, pulling her to him in a headlock. “What’s up, twinkle toes? Did you miss me while I was at school?”

  “Uh, yes,” she said. “I guess so.”

  Carmine shot him an annoyed look, and Dominic laughed, pretending to whisper to her. “I think my brother’s a wee-bit jealous.”

  Haven heard footsteps on the stairs then and went to pull away from Dominic, but he held on to her tighter. Dr. DeMarco headed into the room, his brow furrowing when he looked at her and Dominic. “Don’t let Tess see you. You’ll start a war, and I’d hate to have to step in.”

  Dominic laughed. “Whose side would you take?”

  Dr. DeMarco paused, contemplating the question. “I didn’t say anything about taking a side. I have a policy of staying neutral.”

  “Cop-out,” Dominic said. “Okay, but let’s say you were betting on it. Which one would you put your money on?”

  Dr. DeMarco sighed. “Are you asking who I think would win in a fight between the two of them?”

  “Yeah, I guess I am.”

  Carmine groaned across the room.

  “Well, Tess is good at cheap shots, but the child has a knack for survival. She’s not helpless either, as Squint can attest to. Tess is used to having help, while she’s used to trudging through it alone. One-on-one, I have to say she’d take Tess easily.” Haven’s eyes widened, stunned he’d say that. “But don’t tell Tess. She might try to prove me wrong.”

  “I wouldn’t tell Tess that if my life depended on it,” Dominic said. “She’d kick my ass to make a point.”

  “Yes, she would,” Dr. DeMarco said. “She could probably take you, too. I know the child could.”

  Haven felt her cheeks reddening as they all looked at her. “Uh, I don’t know about that, sir.”

  “Don’t underestimate yourself. I certainly don’t,” he said. Haven stared at him, unsure of what he meant, but he looked away without elaborating. “I have some stuff to do, so I probably won’t be home until tomorrow. You all have a good night.”

  He walked out, an awkward silence lingering in his wake.

  “Well, that
was fucking weird,” Carmine said, eyeing her for a moment before turning to his brother. “And get your damn arm off of my girlfriend before I break it.”

  Dominic leaned in her direction again. “Told you he was jealous.”

  “Whatever,” Carmine said. “And what’s wrong with you? Who would win in a fight? What kinda question is that?”

  “Eh, it was a good one,” Dominic said. “But why are you mad? I’m the one that should be pissed. He picked your girl, not mine.”

  * * * *

  They were listening to music later that night when Carmine blurted out something that caught Haven off guard: “What do you want for Christmas?”

  She stared at him. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean as a present,” he said. “What do you want?”

  What did she want? She’d never even thought about it. She blinked a few times. “Uh, I don’t expect anything.”

  “Well, expect it, because you’re getting it.”

  “But I can’t get you a present.”

  He smiled. “You already gave me my present, Haven. You. Best gift ever.”

  She sighed as he lay down beside her in the bed. “I still wish I could buy you something.”

  “I don’t need anything,” he said, “but there will be plenty more holidays in the future for you to spoil me rotten.”

  Hope swelled through her. Christmas’s. Presents. A future. It was all too much to fathom. “Do you guys have a big celebration?”

  “We used to when I was young, but now it’s just us. My Aunt Celia always comes for a few days. Other than her and her husband, we don’t have any family. My grandfather's dead, and we don’t see my grandmother.”

  “Why don’t you see your grandmother?”

  “She’s in a nursing home in Chicago, has dementia or something. I don’t really know. My father still visits her whenever he gets the chance, but he doesn’t want us to see her.”

  “What about your mama’s family?”

  He was quiet for a moment. She wondered if maybe she’d asked the wrong question, but he finally spoke in a soft voice. “I don’t know of any. She immigrated here.”

  “Have you ever thought about finding them?”

  “No,” he said. “They never came looking for my mom, never wondered what happened to her, so why should I care about them? Hell, I didn’t even know she was born in Ireland until I saw a stack of government papers in my father’s office a few years ago.”

  “Does it make you sad that you don’t have a big family?”

  He shrugged. “I don’t really think about it. I figure I have enough.”

  She smiled. “I used to dream about having a big family. I told you how I used to talk to the animals, but I had a bunch of pretend friends, too. Mama said I was always having conversations with imaginary people. I even used to talk to an angel.”

  “Like with wings and a halo and shit?”

  “That kind of angel, yes, but she didn’t have any of that,” she said. “Mama said angels watched over me and someday I’d be one, so I imagined them as people. My angel told me a lot about life. She said I could be free like her when I grew up and have anything I wanted in life. I guess she didn’t want to crush me with the truth.”

  Carmine pulled her closer to him, burying his face in her hair. Despite it being early, Haven was exhausted. She was on the brink of falling asleep when she heard Carmine’s voice, so quiet it was almost inaudible. “You can still have a big family, colibri. She wasn’t lying to you.”

  Chapter 22

  Christmas had always been Carmine’s favorite time of the year. He loved everything about the holiday—watching Rudolph and Frosty and It’s a Wonderful Life, singing Christmas carols and playing Jingle Bells on the piano. Decorations covered the house, inside and out, and presents would overflow under their tree. ‘Magical’ was the only way Carmine could ever describe it, but even that word didn’t seem to do the experience any justice.

  After his mom died, though, it all changed. He lost interest in most things in life then, but especially Christmas. Christmas reminded him of her, and all he felt after she was gone was grief.

  That first year, after his mom had been taken from him, his father was nowhere to be found. The family stayed in Chicago long enough for Carmine to recover from his wound, and then Celia packed them up and drove to the house in North Carolina. Recovery, she called it. Time to heal. He guessed that meant they never recovered, since they never went back to Chicago.

  They were so young that they didn’t understand it at the time. Celia stayed with them the first year, and Vincent showed up once a month. He’d barely look at Carmine. At the time he thought it was because he blamed him. Hell, he blamed himself. But years later Carmine realized it was because he looked like her.

  Vincent showed up for good a few days after the first anniversary of her death, but he’d changed. They all had. Carmine wouldn’t talk to anyone, choosing to just sit there and stare into space.

  He came around eventually, but like his father, he was never the same. Once Carmine started talking again, he was angering people with his mouth. Once he started doing things again, he was hurting people with his actions. He was intentionally an asshole, and there was nothing anyone could’ve done to change it… or so he’d thought.

  Christmas was two days away, and for the past week Carmine had sat back, watching Haven get into the holiday. He hadn’t seen such enthusiasm for Christmas since… well, since his mom.

  A part of him still wanted to forget it all, push it aside and go back into his hole, but there was a bigger part of him that couldn’t help but be happy. He’d finally found his light in the darkness, the spark that went out when his mom died reigniting in Haven.

  But Carmine feared that light would go out on him someday.

  “It’s just a bunny.”

  Carmine glanced beside him in just enough time to see Haven flail her arms. He moved away quickly so she wouldn’t punch him in the face, but in his haste, he failed to realize he was on the edge of the bed. His top half went off the side, and he tried to grab the table to catch himself, but he just smacked the alarm clock instead. He cried out as he tumbled out of bed, hitting the floor with a thud. Wincing, he heard the bed squeak quietly above him.

  “Carmine?” Haven’s voice was soft as she leaned over the edge of the bed. “Why are you on the floor?”

  He contained his laughter at her baffled expression and grabbed her arms. She gripped onto the comforter tightly as he yanked her off the bed. Yelping with surprise, she landed right on top of him. He grunted when her leg slammed into his crotch.

  Gasping, she tried to get off of him, but he wrapped his arms around her to stop her from moving. It was only making it worse. “I didn’t think that shit through,” he said through gritted teeth.

  “I didn’t mean to hit your… thing.”

  “What thing would that be?”

  “Your goods.”

  He stifled a laugh. “My goods?”

  She lifted her head up to look at him, her cheeks flushed. “You know, your, uh… penis.”

  “Christ, Haven. Only you could make a word like penis sound hot. And if you must know, I’m on the floor because you knocked me out of the bed.”

  Her expression fell. “I did?”

  “Yeah, you said something about a bunny and nearly punched me. I fell trying to get away.”

  “Oh no, I’m so sorry! I swear I didn’t—”

  He covered her mouth before she could say anything more. She mumbled against his palm for a second before quieting. “You were asleep. It’s not your fault. I wanna know what you were dreaming about, though.”

  “You were yelling at a bunny because it stole my carrot.”

  “I was yelling at a rabbit?”

  “You were mad, because you gave me the carrot and didn’t appreciate him taking it.”

  He laughed, knowing he probably would’ve yelled at a bunny if it stole something he gave her. “You have strange dreams, tes
oro.”

  “They aren’t usually that weird,” she said, laying her head on his chest as they cuddled on the floor. “My dreams make sense most of the time.”

  “Do you dream about me a lot?”

  “Of course I do.”

  He smiled, kissing the top of her head. They were silent for a bit and his back started hurting from lying on the floor.

  “Haven?” She glanced at him. He smiled, stroking her cheek with the back of his hand. “You wanna do something today?”

  She stared at him, contemplating. “Depends on what it is.”

  Her answer made him proud. She’d been so agreeable in the past, saying ‘yes’ because she thought there was no other option. “Well, I’m lazy, which means I still haven’t gotten any Christmas presents, so I need to go do that.”

  “You want me to go Christmas shopping?”

  “If you want to.”

  She nodded excitedly and jumped to her feet. “Let’s go.”

  He laughed as he stood up. The sun hadn’t even risen yet. “Get dressed and we’ll head out.”

  * * * *

  Carmine opened Haven’s bedroom door, seeing her standing there in jeans and a light-weight jacket. “You don’t have anything heavier? I know you come from the desert and all, baby, but it’s cold out there today. I mean, nipples cutting glass cold.”

  She shook her head. “I don’t have a big coat.”

  He held his pointer finger up, telling her to wait, and went back to his room. Glancing into his closet, he pulled out his black Christian Dior hooded parka before returning to her.

  She took it gingerly. “This is nice.”

  “It’s just a coat,” he said as she slipped on a pair of plain black Sketchers. “Jen got you Sketchers?”

  She glanced down at her feet, squinting to read the tiny word on the side of them. “Is there something wrong with Sketchers?”

  He shrugged. “I prefer Nike’s.”