by Deb Loughead
“Sorry, we’re late,” Kevin says. “I had to talk my mom into letting me come. She hardly ever lets me go out alone. So we made a deal, and that’s why she’s here.” He plops down on a chair beside me and flings his backpack on the table. Then he starts hauling out books.
A hand touches my shoulder. I look up into Ms. Stitski’s gleaming eyes. Tears. She leans in closer.
“Thanks for doing this, Clem.” Her voice is soft, and it quavers. “It means a lot, and it’s so good for Kevin. He’s so resilient. I envy that.”
“You need to get out more, Ma. Instead of just working twenty-four-seven,” he says, then looks at me. “So where’s your brother anyway?”
I point. “Go get him, and we’ll get this party started.”
As Kevin lopes over to Zach, his mom watches him go. Her face is furrowed in all the worry places, deep grooves between her eyebrows and around her mouth. It reminds me of when I make a crazy face, and my grandma warns me that if the wind blows, it’ll stay that way. I have a feeling Ms. Stitski has spent far too much time lately thinking nasty thoughts.
“So, I heard from the police this morning, Clem,” she says. “Apparently someone in McDonalds last night overheard a group of kids in costumes talking about Kit. The police picked one of them up. I’m headed over to the station right now to find out more about it.”
I’m pretty sure my heart stops dead for a second, before it starts beating double-time. Who, what, when, where, why? my mind screams. But I try to act all cool and nonchalant.
“Oh, really?” I say, summoning a smile.
“I haven’t said anything in front of Kevin yet, though,” she adds almost like a warning. “I don’t want him finding out about this latest turn of events until I know what’s going on.”
My smile is wrestling to stay in place. “Well, maybe this could be a good thing. Maybe they’ve turned up new evidence that will help you and Kevin find some closure. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure he gets home safely when we’re done here.”
Ms. Stitski squints her eyes. “Don’t worry about it. His aunt will pick him up outside the library at around four, Clem. I’ll see you later.”
My mouth goes totally dry as I watch her walk out the library door. I dig a water bottle out of my backpack and take a huge swig. My mind goes into rewind, trying to recall who was sitting nearby in McDs last night, who could have overheard us talking. It could have been anybody.
How the heck can I possibly focus on anything else until I find out?
Kevin follows Zach back to the table like a puppy dog. Then he looks around.
“Where’s my mom? Hiding behind some shelves watching me? She always needs to know exactly where I am. It’s making me crazy.”
“She left,” I tell him. “Your aunt is picking you up around four.”
“Seriously? Wow, that’s progress, I guess.” He plops down in a chair. “This is so cool. I get to study with Zach Sanford. I can’t wait to tell all my friends.”
“Seriously?” I ask. “You actually think my little brother is cool?”
“Everybody does,” Kevin says, grinning.
“Wow. He sure hides it well.”
Zach shoots me a sneer then he sits down, too. Kevin scoots his chair closer to him. Zach rolls his eyes, but I can tell he enjoys having a fan.
“Okay, so clearly you’re at different levels,” I say. “However, since Zach is three years ahead of you, Kevin, he’ll be able to help you out with your work after I help him out with his. It’ll be a good refresher course for him.”
“What?” Zach says. “I didn’t sign up for this, Clem.” Kevin’s face sags. Zach notices. “But, whatever. Maybe it’ll even do me good.” Kevin grins again.
“Trust me, it definitely will,” I tell him.
My phone vibrates in my backpack. I’ve secretly vowed not to look at that screen while I’m working with the guys. I try to ignore it, but it buzzes again. Zach smirks, daring me.
“I can do this, you know,” I tell him.
“Yeah, right,” he says. “Anyway, I don’t care if you check your phone, Clems. The library doesn’t fall under house rules, right?”
“Exactly,” I say, then whip out my phone.
I read Ellie’s text message three times.
Mac got picked up by the cops. His dad called me.
What is HAPPENING, I text back.
Don’t know. I’m scared. ttyl
I go into a daze and stare off across the room. My imagination spins in every direction as I try to decide how any revelations by Mac could change things. There’s a strange humming in my head, like white noise switching on in my brain. The buzz of a dozen possibilities, a dozen scenarios, a dozen awful endings to this story.
Is Mac at the police station right now, waiting to tell the officers, and Ms. Stitski, everything he knows? And what will that mean for us?
Finally, somebody else will know. Finally, the police can decide what to do next. Maybe it will help kill some of my guilt and I won’t have to be fixated on that “horrible shadow” anymore.
But then again, will I be implicated in some way, along with Jake and Ellie? Will we all be held to blame for Kit’s death? Will we all be charged as accessories?
It could turn out to be a good thing, like I said to Ms. Stitski. It could be closure for the police, and maybe even for some of the other kids who were at the quarry. There have to be more out there, blaming themselves like we are. Surely others connected with Kit that night, found their own opportunities to look out for him. And didn’t, for one reason or another, just like the four of us. But when I think of Ms. Stitski, about to hear what really happened, I think of something else, too. It could also be a very bad thing. For the two people closest to Kit. And it could go either way for them and for us. And if it turns out that nobody’s charged, will Ms. Stitski just keep on blaming herself forever?
“Hey, Clems. You lost in space again?” Zach nudges my shin under the table. “Let’s get started already, before me and Kevin ditch you to go home and play video games.”
Kevin beams. Zach grins. I force myself to focus on the moment.
17
It takes an enormous effort to sit still through two hours of tutoring while trying to ignore my latest dilemma. Turning off my phone helps me stay in the moment. I don’t want any updates. I’m afraid to find out what might happen next.
So I block out everything awful and focus on the guys to make sure they actually learn something, and that it actually sinks in. Then I even wander around the library for a bit, browsing the shelves, to let my brother do it on his own. In the end the afternoon is totally worth it because of how well Kevin and Zach hit it off.
When we finish up around four o’clock, Kevin actually hugs me after he slings his backpack over his shoulder.
“Thanks. You guys really helped me out today. Hope we can do it again some time.” Then he looks at me sideways with a half-smile. “My mom’s glad you and Jake dropped by that day, you know. I think it made her feel better about a bunch of stuff. She thought nobody cared about Kit, but I keep trying to tell her that everybody did. I wish she’d quit asking questions and looking for answers, though. There’s no point anymore.” He shrugs. Then he looks at Zach with hopeful eyes. “See ya around school, I guess, huh?”
My brother gives Kevin a high-five, and grins. “Yep, later, dude.”
“See,” I say to Zach as we watch Kevin push through the library exit. “That wasn’t so bad after all, was it?”
“Nope. I can think of way worse stuff. Anyway, Kevin’s kind of a cool little guy. Maybe I’ll take him to a movie some time, or something.”
“You’re kind of a cool guy yourself, bro,” I say. “I’m totally proud of you for helping me out and chilling with Kevin today.” When I try to squeeze his shoulder he shoves my hand away and gives me an eye roll.
�
�Geez, don’t push it, Clems,” he says, but from the sloppy grin on his face, I know he feels pretty good on the inside.
As I ride my bike home from the library, trailing far behind my brother, a sense of doom begins to crowd out the warm glow from helping Kevin. By the time I walk inside with a fake smile plastered across my face, alarm bells are ringing in my head. I can already hear Zach’s video game blasting away in the family room.
“Zach said it went great.” Mom beams at me as she chops a carrot.
Dad is scrubbing potatoes at the sink. “You two did a good thing today,” he says.
“Yeah, guess so. Got some school stuff of my own to get done before dinner.” And I rush past them before they can start asking any more questions.
I need to make some notes for my revue theme presentation in theatre arts tomorrow. But I barely have enough energy to flop down on my bed and stare at the ceiling. It’s nearly impossible to concentrate on anything else but Ellie’s last text. Mac got picked up by the cops.
I’ve felt haunted for months, but now I’m being stalked by a different sort of dread. A swarm of what-ifs followed me home from the library, and they continue to hover in the air like a cloud of mosquitoes. Biting at me, making me itch with a restless anxiety.
What if the police want to talk to the rest of us? And we all tell different stories.
What if they go diving for that watch at the bottom of the pond? And find it.
What if we’re accused of tampering with evidence? And charged.
The more I dwell on it, the worse I feel. I don’t even have the courage to turn my phone on in case there’s another message waiting to scare the heck out of me. But I need to talk to someone, and I decide to phone Jake. He answers on the first ring.
“God, what took you so long, Clem?”
“Yeah, my phone’s been off. Ellie let me know about Mac while I was at the library with Kevin and Zach. I couldn’t even think straight after she texted. I still can’t. What’s going to happen to us Jake?” I feel like I’m about to run out of air.
“Calm down,” he says. “Hopefully nothing. How did the library go, anyway?”
I figure it’s a distraction tactic. But as I start to tell him how well it turned out, my heart slows down, and I feel a bit of a glow again.
“Awesome,” Jake says. “I’m kind of working on an idea myself. I know how much Kevin is into skateboarding. Maybe he’d like some free private lessons or something. I’d have to okay it with his mom first, though.”
Just hearing the resolve in Jake’s voice finally helps me summon up a smile. He seems to have reached the same place as me in all this awfulness. “I’m sure he’d love that Jake,” I say. “And so would his mom.”
“Hope you’re right.” Then a long, scary pause. “Okay, so listen. I already know a bit about what happened with Mac and the cops. Ellie texted me. I didn’t want to call and bug you about it while you were tutoring. And I’ve been trying to reach you since just after four but …”
“What happened?” My heart is instantly back in overdrive and my smile shrivels up. “What aren’t you telling me, Jake?”
“I still don’t know that much. Only that someone recognized Mac in McDs. And told the cops what they heard us talking about, and about the weird costumes we were wearing. And I guess that officer who talked to us at the quarry after we …”
My insides crumple up like tinfoil. “… after we got rid of the watch. He’s the one who put it all together, right? How could he possibly forget us? He would have known right away who we were when someone showed up with information. Why haven’t the cops picked you and me up yet? Or are they about to? God, what’s happening, Jake?”
Jake’s momentary silence makes me feel even sicker inside. I almost want to scream.
“Look, I don’t even know myself yet. Hopefully nothing is happening. Ellie wants us to meet up with her and Mac tonight around 7:30 at Tim Hortons. You okay with that?”
“This isn’t going away any time soon, is it?”
“Maybe it never will, Clems,” Jake tells me.
That is the absolute last thing I want to hear him say.
“Hello in there. Anybody home, Clementine?”
Dad is knocking on the kitchen table as I stare into my plate of pot roast and veggies floating in gravy. It’s totally turning my stomach. When I glance up, all three of them are watching me with strange looks. Zach raises one eyebrow like a question mark.
“Huh? Did I miss something? What’s going on?” I say. I take a tiny bite of meat and chew it slowly.
“We thought maybe you could tell us that,” Mom says with narrowed eyes. “You seem so distracted right now, honey. You haven’t heard a word we’ve said all through dinner.”
“I just don’t feel like talking, I guess. Lots on my mind.” My throat is so tight I can hardly swallow.
“Then maybe it would help if you talked about it,” Dad says, patting my hand, looking way too concerned about me.
“Probably not.” I yank my hand away and eat one pea. I can sense them all exchanging glances, even though my head is down.
“Well, why not give it a try anyway?” Mom says in a gentle voice.
I jump to my feet and my chair hits the floor. “Can’t you please just leave me alone?” I snap. “God, I totally miss having our phones on at the table. At least then I didn’t have to answer your stupid questions all the time.”
As I stomp out of the kitchen I hear Zach telling our parents to just let me go.
In my room, I flop on my bed and bury my head under a pillow.
Without a doubt, everything will come out now. All the nasty lies, the scary truths, and everything else that’s been festering away inside the four of us.
Everyone will know we’re to blame for Kit’s death, and even if nothing happens to us, we’ll be shunned by everyone who knows us. Everyone who knew Kit.
How will I even be able to face anyone now? What will my family think? Hot tears ooze out onto my pillow. In the distance I can hear someone’s ring tone playing a familiar movie tune. Zach’s. A few seconds later there’s a knock on my door.
“What?” I yell into my pillow. “Go away!”
“Ms. Stitski called my phone, Clem,” Zach says.
Oh no. “But why does she even have your number?”
“Because I gave it to Kevin at the library today. In case he needs more help.”
I sit bolt upright, throw my pillow at the wall. “Tell her I’m busy,” I say, scrubbing at my wet cheeks.
“Probably not a good plan,” Zach says beyond my door. “She sounds really stuck on talking to you, like right now. Says it’s urgent.”
My whole body feels extra heavy as I cross my bedroom. Like walking through waist-deep water. I open my door and Zach hands me his phone. Behind him I can see my parents craning their necks in the kitchen.
“Thanks,” I say and slam my door in his face.
“Hello?” My voice is barely a whisper.
“Clementine. It’s Joan Stitski.” Her words are sharp and curt.
“I know.”
“Your friend Mac talked to the police.”
My friend? “I know.”
“I found some things out. Things I never knew before today.”
“I figured that might happen,” I say.
“I think we should get together and talk,” Ms. Stitski says. “About a lot of things.” It almost sounds as though her voice is trembling with anger. It’s a terrifying sound.
I swallow hard. “Okay. How about tonight? Seven forty-five at Tim Hortons?”
“That’s fine. I’ll see you then,” she says, and the line goes dead.
Perfect. If I have to face the wrath of Ms. Stitski again, there’s no way I’m doing it without my friends beside me.
18
“Okay, so tell us exactly w
hat you told the police today,” I say to Mac, keeping my voice low. “Just cut to the chase.”
He stares at me across the table. Maybe I jumped the gun by starting my interrogation without any small talk. But I’m in a hurry for him to begin. She’ll be walking in on us any time now. Nobody else knows she’s coming. Not even Jake. There’s a perfectly logical reason for that. I don’t want to scare them all off.
“No ‘hello’ or anything, Clems? I can’t believe you guys even beat us here,” Mac says.
“Me, neither, since you guys came in a car,” I tell him. “So what’s the story?”
“Why do you sound so mad?” Ellie asks. “Mac did a good thing today, didn’t he?”
“We’re not sure about that yet,” Jake says.
“Trust me. It’s only good news.” Mac sips his coffee and grins in a smug way. Ellie snuggles up to him and squeezes his arm, then kisses his cheek. “The cops have no plans for opening up the inquiry again. Because there’s …” he makes air quotes, “ ‘insufficient information to justify reopening the case.’ I memorized that.” Another grin.
Ellie giggles like a crazy person, grabs his neck and hugs him harder.
“But what did you tell them?” I drum my fingertips on the tabletop and tap my foot. Under the table, Jake puts his hand on my leg to calm me down.
“Well, I told them I was there that night. And that Ellie and I saw Kit just before he disappeared. That we were probably the last ones to see him. That after he ran into us, he just ran away into the dark because he had to take a pee.”
My story. “You borrowed my story for the police?” I say. “You lied to them?”
“It’s not exactly a lie, Clem. It’s the truth.” Mac lowers his eyes and fiddles with his stir stick. “Kit actually did run off because he had to pee.”
“But you must have told them more. That can’t be the end of it. Didn’t they ask you any questions? Any at all?”
Mac snaps the stir stick. “Yeah, well they asked me if I know Spencer. And I said, yeah, I do know him.”