by Deb Loughead
“And?” Jake says, leaning forward. “What else?”
Mac’s dark, narrow eyes stare into Jake’s wide blue ones. “Don’t worry, dude. I didn’t throw him under the bus. They asked me if he was nearby when I watched Kit walk away, and I told them no, the last I saw of Spencer, he was partying by the fire.”
Jake’s face seems to soften a bit then. One less person who has to worry about being a suspect. One more person who can start to breathe easier now. I’m sure Jake can hardly wait to tell his skateboarding buddy; he’s probably itching to text him right away.
“Okay, well, that’s cool, I guess,” Jake says.
“Yeah, I guess it is,” I tell him. “Anything else, Mac?”
“Nope. That’s it, man. That’s all I told them.” Mac just shrugs.
“You mean you left the watch part out completely?” Ellie is staring at him and her wide eyes are brimming with tears. “I thought you told the cops about the watch. So we could all get past it and move on.”
Mac’s slow smile reminds me of the Grinch. “What about the watch? What watch?”
Awkward silence at our table. Like we’re all afraid to speak. So he left out the part about the watch. But the watch is at the bottom of the lake now, so what does it even matter anymore? Suddenly it feels as if a huge rock has been lifted off my chest.
Ellie jumps to her feet. Her cup tips over, sending milky coffee pooling on the table, dripping onto the floor. Clearly she’s not as over it as I am. Her watch must still symbolize something, at least to her. Jake and I throw our serviettes over the spreading puddle as Ellie stares at Mac.
“Why did you have to leave that part out? I thought you said you told them everything. I thought that meant that we were okay now. That the cops understood about the watch.”
“We are okay,” Mac says. “I thought about it a lot. What good will it do if they know about the watch? It won’t change anything, will it? It’ll only make Kit’s mom even crazier, the way I see it. If she ever finds out about that watch, she’ll never let it go.”
Ellie’s mouth is half open as she stares at him. “I swear, sometimes I don’t even know who you are anymore, Mac.” Then the drama queen whirls around and walks straight out the door without even giving him a second look.
“Why’s she so pissed?” Mac looks at us, totally perplexed. “I seriously thought this would change everything. For all of us. I thought I did the right thing.”
Did he? I know I feel a ton lighter now, and I figure Jake probably does too. But I don’t have a chance to ask him. Ms. Stitski is here and she’s scanning the room. Mac and Jake spot her at the same instant she finds me.
“What the…?” Jake says, and I grab his hand under the table.
Mac is on his feet, looking like a cornered rabbit searching for an escape route.
“Sit down,” I tell him. “I asked her to meet us here. So just shut up, and let me do the talking for a change.”
The two guys stare at me, stunned. Ms. Stitski approaches the table and looks at all of us, one by one. She starts nodding as she sits down in Ellie’s vacant chair.
“So, this is what it’s come to,” she says, gazing straight into my eyes. “You set this up, didn’t you, Clementine?”
“These guys had no idea you were coming tonight,” I tell her.
Ms. Stitski looks at Mac. Her face is dispassionate, completely unreadable. The perfect lawyer.
Mac sips from his cup, trying to look cool, trying to meet her stare with the same sort of blank expression. His fingers twitching on the table give him away.
“I was behind the two-way mirror today,” she tells him.
Mac chokes on a mouthful of coffee.
“I heard everything you told the police. I watched your expression the entire time. I wondered what you might be hiding from them.”
Mac gulps and his nostrils flare slightly.
“I’m still wondering if you’re trying to protect that Spencer character.” She practically spits out his name. “I heard he was giving Kit a hard time that night, but there was never enough proof to take it any further, to press charges.” Suddenly, she looks as if she’s having trouble holding on to her confidence. Her chin is visibly trembling. “And it makes me so sad …” she gulps hard. “So sad to think that he might have been treated in such a cruel way, with other kids laughing at him, just before he …”
“No! It didn’t happen that way.” Jake’s deep and solid voice seems to bring her back to the present. “There was never any fight. After Spencer tripped him, Kit just sat there on the grass. And he laughed. Really loud and hard. And then everyone else did, too, and some kids helped him back to his feet. And then someone called Spencer an a-hole. They all stuck up for Kit. Honestly. I was there. I saw it happen.”
Two tears seep out and trickle down Ms. Stitski’s cheeks. “Please, tell me you’re not just saying that to make me feel better?” she says.
“I swear, that’s exactly how it happened,” Jake tells her. “Clem was there, too. You saw it, didn’t you Clem?”
I nod out a lie. I was watching Jake, not Spencer and Kit.
She turns to Mac. “Did you see it happen, too?”
Mac looks down at his coffee cup. “Uh, no, I guess I missed it.”
Her eyes narrow again. “Why did you miss it? Where were you?”
He doesn’t answer, so I do. “Mac’s embarrassed to tell you, Ms. Stitski,” I say. “He was making out with someone. Where nobody could see them.”
“Right, you told the police you were with a girl named Ellie. And that Kit went running past you looking for somewhere to go to the bathroom.” Then she turns to me. “But where did he go from there? That’s what nobody seems to know.” She places her long, pale hands very flat on the table and stares at them. Now it’s time for her to hear the rest of the story. I’m sick of keeping this secret any longer.
I focus on my Iced Cap. “The truth is, Ms. Stitski, I think that I might have been one of the last ones to see him, too. He told me he had to … to go to the bathroom. I told him he’d have to do in the bushes, so he walked off into the bushes. And I guess that’s when he met up with Ellie and Mac and … and asked them the same question. I think he was embarrassed, afraid that someone might see him peeing. When he didn’t come back, I thought he just went home.” Another tear gets away on me.
“And you didn’t even think to check?” Almost a growl. She lowers her head on the table and buries her face in her elbow, as if she’s terribly tired all of a sudden. “At least I know that much now,” says her muffled voice. Then she looks at us again over her arm. “Anyone else have anything they’d like to share?”
Jake coughs softly. “Okay, Ms. Stitski, there’s something else I think you deserve to know. When Kit left home that night, the first person he met was me. The quarry isn’t that far from your house. I was on my skateboard, and I just randomly met him walking along the road.” Jake’s breathing as if he’s been running.
Kit’s mother stares hard at Jake, blinking fast. “And you just let him follow you? You didn’t even think that maybe something could go terribly wrong, just knowing that he was …” She slaps the table and Jake’s face falls.
“I can’t even tell you how sorry I am …” Jake’s voice fades away. His chin trembles.
Ms. Stitski inhales deeply. “That part doesn’t even matter now, does it? Who am I kidding? He heard about it, he wanted to go, and he went. Straight out the back door after I was in bed, working on my laptop. I didn’t even realize he was gone until the morning.” She swallows hard. “The fact is, it’s mostly my fault. I’ve just been in complete denial.”
“No, Ms. Stitski. It’s not your fault,” I whisper. “It’s nobody’s fault. It’s just something that happened.”
When her eyes meet mine she forces a smile and pats my hand. I can almost hear the watch ticking. It reminds
me of that Edgar Allan Poe short story we studied at school, The Tell-Tale Heart. It was about a heart that went on beating, even after its owner had been killed. It drove the murderer crazy. But we aren’t murderers. None of us. Just a bunch of kids who were in the wrong place at the wrong time, much like Kit himself. And as I sit there watching Ms. Stitski process everything we’ve just told her, I decide that Mac is right after all. That’s it’s okay for me to be relieved. I’m sure Jake is too. And that deep down Ellie probably is and she just can’t admit it yet. The watch belongs at the bottom of the pond forever. With Kit’s spirit.
This part of the story is over. Ms. Stitski, Kevin, all four of us, we need to find a way to move on.
Ms. Stitski slowly rises to her feet. She looks tired and defeated.
“Kevin’s waiting in the car,” she says. “He has no idea what I’m doing in here. I’d better grab him a box of Timbits and a chocolate milk, don’t you think?”
We all nod.
“And thanks for helping him out at the library today, Clem. He’s over the moon, you know. And he really likes your brother.”
“That’s cool,” I say. “Zach really likes him. He’d like to take him to the show some time. And keep helping him with schoolwork, too, if that’s okay with you?”
Her weary face seems softer now, and her grateful smile reaches her eyes as she nods.
“Do you think Kevin might like skateboarding lessons some time?” Jake throws it out there, just takes a chance and does it. I want to hug him.
“Hmm, let me think about that one,” she says. “I guess it would be good for him. Maybe for me, too. I need to give him some space. Give me a call next week.” She digs into her purse and hands Jake a business card. Then she heads over to the counter to place her order.
Someone pushes through the entrance just then. Ellie. She looks as if she’s seen a ghost as she shuffles to our table, keeping one eye on Kit’s mother the entire time.
“I was waiting outside,” she says. “I saw her go in when I was leaving. What happened?”
Mac reaches out and catches her hand, pulls her closer to him, hugs her hard.
“Sit down, babe,” he whispers. “And I’ll tell you everything.”
Jake and I look at each other. Then we pick up our takeout cups and walk through the door without even looking back.
19
We stroll slowly home, holding hands, a half-moon peering over our shoulders. We talk about what just happened, and what should happen next.
We agree that Mac made the right choice after all. It makes sense that dredging up the watch at this point would only open deeper wounds for Ms. Stitski and confuse Kevin even more. After everything she learned today, she will have to realize that blaming herself or anyone else is pointless. Kit is gone. All the probing and questioning and investigating in the world will never change that sad truth. It’s time for her to put away the backpack in the corner, once and for all. We hope she’ll be able to do it.
We also realize that even though the watch is gone, we’ll always have to live with the memory of Kit and what happened that night. Kind of like a permanent scar on the inside. We’ll just have to do our best to dull the pain of our mistakes by remembering our lost friend, and by trying to make things better. For ourselves and for the Stitskis.
When we get home, Jake kisses me for a long time in the dark beside the garage, where nobody will spot us. I kiss him back, and I don’t want him to leave. Eventually he hugs me hard, then lopes off.
I float in a daze through the front door, but then my spirits come crashing down hard. All three of them are sitting there, waiting for me in the family room. When I step in, Dad shuts off the TV and crosses his arms.
“I think we all deserve some sort of an explanation for your behaviour tonight, Clem,” he says, then points to the empty spot beside him on the sofa. I walk over and sit down slowly.
My mom seems to be on the verge of crying. And even Zach, who usually loves nothing more than to give me a hard time, has a sombre expression.
“Honey, we don’t understand,” Mom begins. “You’re acting so strange lately. Not paying attention to anything we say, always distracted, angry a lot of the time. You’re like a yo-yo. Up one minute and down the next.” Her hand strays to her neck. “We’re very worried, you know.”
I give them a wavering smile.
“It’s a long story. I only hope you’ll listen, right up to the end, and that you’ll try hard to understand how and why it all happened.”
Then I start deconstructing all the lies, starting right from the very first one, when I went to the quarry that night without ever telling them. I hadn’t realized how many had piled up like a giant Jenga tower, until I started pulling them all apart. It was a bit intimidating to catch the looks on my parents’ faces: complete disbelief, some disappointment, even a bit of horror. Zach was different, though. It was all news to him, the kid who thinks he knows so much about me. He didn’t tear his eyes away for one second. At times he looked as if he wondered if I really was his sister.
I stop at tonight, at the Tim Hortons part and our meeting with Ms. Stitski. And even though I’ve managed to come clean about all the falsehoods I’ve been feeding them since June, and all the guilt I’ve been carrying around with me, I leave one part out. The part about the watch. Because it’s not really my story to tell.
“I don’t even know what to say,” Dad says, shaking his head when I’m done. “You should have been willing to talk things over, Clem. To be honest about your guilty feelings, if you thought it was all your fault. It must have been haunting you all these months.”
You can’t even imagine. But no way I’m going there. I give him a slight nod, instead. “It was haunting all of us, Dad. But we finally all got together and found a way to resolve it. It’s really about helping Ms. Stitski and Kevin, isn’t it? Helping them move forward.”
Mom is still staring, hand still clutching her neck. “I thought I knew you, Clem. I really did. Yet all this … this awfulness was going on, and you kept it hidden from us.”
“But you do know me, Mom,” I say. “Just not every little thing about me.”
Mom almost looks hurt. “Well, I’d like to think I do,” she says. “I’d also like to think you’d share everything with us, all your triumphs, as well as your concerns. And your troubles, too.”
“Come on. I’m sure you kept some secrets from your parents when you were my age. I bet you didn’t tell your mom every single time you kissed a guy, or what you were really doing when you missed a curfew.”
Dad has a crooked grin. He nods a bit, and when Mom frowns at him, he shrugs.
“She makes a good point, Laura,” he tells her.
“Hmmm,” Mom says. “I think I’ll need to think that one over a bit before I can offer you a response, John.” She waggles a finger at him and they smile at each other in a mysterious way.
Zach looks at me and smirks. “You totally made out with Jake tonight,” he says. “Didn’t you. I can tell by your face.”
And even though my face starts sizzling right up to my ears, I feel like hugging my brother. Because finally, finally everyone starts to laugh.
After that I make my exit and head straight for my room. And with so much on my mind, I fear I might lie awake for hours, but somehow sleep finds me quickly. That night I have one of the best nights in ages. No thrashing under the covers, no wrestling gremlins, no drowning nightmares. Just good, old-fashioned, deep-and-delicious zzzzzs.
First thing Monday morning, Ellie is on my mind. I haven’t heard from her since we walked out of Tim Hortons last night and left her behind with Mac. My fingers are crossed that she’ll be smart enough to show up at school this morning. That she might finally have come to her senses after all the craziness of the past few months. She needs to get herself back on track, with school, with her mom, and with her life. And if Mac is sti
ll going to be a part of that, I hope that maybe he won’t have such a powerful and mesmerizing grip on her any more.
She’s already waiting at my locker. Leaning against it, hunched into herself. She doesn’t see me coming until I’m standing right in front of her waiting for her to move. She offers me a weary sort of smile and shifts to the right.
“You made it on time today,” I say as I spin in my combination. “Yay for you.”
“Yeah,” she says. No makeup this morning, and a bleary-eyed dullness, probably from lack of sleep. “I made sure. So, Clems?”
“What’s up?” I dig through my locker, not willing to look at her in case she’s about to throw a brand-new surprise at me.
“I’m so sorry I dragged you into all this.” When she touches my arm, I look her straight in the eye.
“Are you really? You’ve said a lot of stuff lately, Ellie.”
“I honestly am. I swear, I had no clue that Mac was going to swipe your story. I was as shocked as you were. Then he told me everything that happened with Ms. Stitski. I don’t even know what to think about that. And I guess it’s okay, after all, that he left out the watch part.”
“Jake and I talked about it. And we think we’re all right with it too. Maybe Mac wasn’t so off base, after all, for what he did. And he helped save Spencer, too.”
Ellie looks half-uncertain, half-hopeful. “Really? You know, he’s been calling and texting me ever since he dropped me off at home last night. But I decided to ignore him, and to copy your family and switch my phone off. I think I might be done with him this time. I mean, he actually believes he solved the problem for all of us.”
“He’s the one who has to live with himself,” I tell her. “Because he really was the last one to ever lay eyes on Kit. And I know you’re not done with him yet, either. You like him way too much to just ditch him. It’s so obvious.”
“Oh, god, I know. You’re totally right, Clems. Seriously, I miss him tons already. I’m texting him right after next period. I’m going to change, for the better though, I promise you. Fix things with my mom, too. But I still don’t know how I’ll be able to live with myself. How I can ever get past what I did that night?” Her eyes are begging for an answer.