I stiffened; that was the last thing I wanted to remember. Somehow, the thought of Kirk bringing down the whip on my back overwhelmed my brain even quicker than remembering what the others had done.
Because I knew how hard it was for both of us. Because he was the one that, even then, I trusted to keep me safe. Much safer than the alternative.
“What changed?” he asked.
“I told you. Sex is better than pain.”
“It is, but that isn’t it.”
I scowled back. Who was he to tell me what or wasn’t my reasoning behind my change in attitude?
“You changed,” I whispered. “Maybe not so obviously, but I saw you differently. Especially after you brought me back up here and took care of me.”
“I still forced you to do things against your will.”
I clenched my jaw, not wanting to tug on the flimsy thread that held us together. “We’re going to do this tonight?”
“Silver, I,” he squinted at me, “I’m not the noble hero. I may have wanted to keep you safe, but there were a lot of other things I wanted to do to you, too. You don’t live in this world as long as I have without having the disparity rub off on you.”
“Maybe not, but you didn’t do them.”
“I fucked you in the Outlook in front of everyone, and I got off on it. Even though I knew—”
“Stop,” I whispered. I wanted it to sound angry, more forceful.
Less pathetic.
I took a breath and found my voice again. “I got off on it, too, if you don’t remember. And you can say that you forced me. In a billion ways you did, but Ross tried that, too. I didn’t get anywhere near an orgasm with him. It was you, you and your damn gentle touch. You’re never what I expect and that’s what always wrecks me.”
“I manipulated you.” His voice rose and I felt his muscles harden. “I did it on purpose.”
“I know,” I rubbed my hand down his chest trying to calm him, but he grabbed my wrist and held it there. “But you kept your promise.”
“My promise to keep you safe? Really, I think I fucked that up quite well.”
“There wasn’t anything you could have done. You still came back for me. You found me. You took responsibility. You can’t protect me from every little thing, like some parent who won’t even let their kid play in the back yard for fear of him falling down and scraping a knee—”
“It’s a little more than a scraped knee. They could have killed you. Ross isn’t going to take it easy on you now, either.”
I pushed myself to my knees. The sex was supposed to make everything better, not lead to another argument. “I know, and no matter what you say, I’m not going back on what I said. I’d rather be here until the end. Even if you could get me out—”
Kirk rolled, pinning me under him. He braced his elbows on the outside of my shoulders so that his knuckles just brushed against my cheekbones. “Are you more afraid of what would happen here if you left, or what’s going to happen when you go back to your life?”
“Both…” I admitted. I hadn’t let myself consider the latter, but I had no idea. I didn’t know how to cope with everything that had happened when I got outside of these walls.
Here it was normal. Out there it was debauchery and murder.
“I want to make sure you have the best shot. I’m already bent, so—”
“Silver, the last thing I want to do is add to your nightmares and regrets.”
“They’re a part of me either way; I’d rather something good come out of it.”
“You never actually answered my first question,” Kirk whispered, tracing my bottom lip with his thumb. “What made you give in?”
“I did answer.” I pressed my palms to his skin and slid them down his hard sides. “You made me change my mind. After I ran, you were different. Before, you kept me at arm’s length. I didn’t think you wanted me.” I bit my cheek, watching the play of emotions on Kirk’s face. “I mean, I felt alone. Completely isolated, and the only person who ever looked in on me just thought I was some damn burden.”
A burst of air escaped his lungs. “You fought because you were afraid you didn’t matter?”
I shook my head and dropped my head against the pillow. “I fought because it was the only thing I had.”
Kirk rolled and put his hand on my stomach. “I didn’t want you to get close. I could only play the monster up to a point, beyond that… I had to keep you afraid and distant enough that you wouldn’t do something stupid. But you just kept doing stupid things.”
“I’ve had a lifetime of practice at that—pushing people to the edge instead of doing what I’m told. I gave in with you, because I figured it was better to have someone fully on my side. And in here, I didn’t want that person to be anyone but you.” We’d each pushed the other to the point of dangerous vulnerability, and all of the little things I hadn’t understood before began to take on a new clarity.
“And then the world spiraled out from under both of us. I started letting myself do things to you that I promised myself I wouldn’t.”
“It wasn’t that bad,” I muttered. “I know I shouldn’t enjoy it, but…” There wasn’t really any denying it, he was good. And I wasn’t going to tell him that to his face. I was getting attached to a man I barely knew, in an impossible situation.
I knew it.
But, I couldn’t pull away.
I found my only shred of sanity by indulging in him. By finding pleasure where I could.
“Well, if you don’t want to enjoy it, I can stop working so hard,” he said with a smug smile.
“Don’t even think about it.” I poked his side with my finger and closed my eyes.
It wasn’t like I was confident that I’d ever have mind blowing sex again. Maybe there was a possibility, but I certainly wasn’t good at picking out the mind-blowing sexperts in real life.
Then, I wondered if I’d ever want sex again after getting out of there.
Sex—both good and bad—was intrinsically linked to the experience. “I may as well enjoy it while I can.”
I didn’t realize that I’d spoken the words out loud until Kirk’s eyes hardened.
“I didn’t mean that to be as dire as it sounded,” I said quickly. “Can we stop talking about all of this now? I’m sleepy.”
“You’re wide awake. What are you afraid of telling me?”
I pressed my head deeper into the pillow, cursing him for wanting to drag things out of me. Sometimes I missed the days when he didn’t want to talk about everything. “If I told you that, it’d defeat the purpose of being afraid.” And that was the whole point.
“You’re no more fucked up than I am, Silver.”
“What happens to us after it’s over—and I don’t mean us as in couple—I just….”
“We’ll probably buy a lot of cats.”
I laughed so hard that I started coughing again. “Nice,” I grumbled.
Kirk rubbed my back until the fit subsided.
“We’ll be okay,” he promised, but the conviction didn’t quite show in his eyes. “They’ll probably lock me in a room with a counselor before setting me lose on society again. I’ll make sure they make arrangements for you, too. Whatever you need.”
“I’ll need people who won’t look at me like a freak. What am I going to tell people? It can’t be the truth. They’ll go all pitiful on me until they find out what I did, and then it’ll turn into the blame game. That is, if it doesn’t start out at the blame game. ‘What the hell were you doing that you don’t even remember being abducted?’”
“Gabe drugged you, it knocked out your memory; it wasn’t anything you did. It’s not your fault. We’re programmed to survive. Hell, we’re programmed to want contact and connections with people. There’s nothing wrong with you.”
“Still. I’m looking forward to going back home and getting the short end of the stick whether I tell anyone the truth or not.”
Kirk nuzzled my cheek. “You and me both, Sugar.”
I couldn’t help but wonder what he would be going back to, who he would be going back to, but I didn’t dare bring it up. My eyes fluttered closed. Lips pressed against my temple, and the arm on my stomach gripped tighter around me, as Kirk settled next to me and prepared to go back to sleep himself.
Interlude Disrupted
We expected the rushed “Initiation” to mean that Milo had changed his plans and was coming early, but for the next week, everyone, including Ross, left us to our own business, and to wonder why everyone was being suspiciously quiet.
I assumed that everyone had their own way of preparing for the head badass to show up. For Kirk and me, it was gathering around the kitchen table, shoving food into our mouths and hunkered over a crossword puzzle. It was a strange atmosphere—there was no more Master and slave stuff behind closed doors, but we didn’t really talk about it either. Instead, we were more interested in the temporary distractions that made us forget where we were and what was coming.
Sometimes we cooked side-by-side in the kitchen, and even once, I attempted making breakfast on my own. But at burnt eggs, Kirk swore to never leave me unattended again.
Not that I could really ever get more than ten feet away from him for more than a few minutes anyway. He almost refused to leave me in the apartment alone, even for brief business.
Kirk’s phone jumped, and I drew back, instantly expecting the worst. He put one hand on my knee, and flipped his phone over with the other, drawing his thumb over the screen and typing in his security code.
8-4-7-3. I wasn’t sure if he realized that I’d now watched him enter it a few dozen times, or that I’d memorized it, for whatever reason, but he didn’t seem to care that I was looking right at the phone.
“Doc wants to see you so he can check your lungs and give you a birth control shot.”
“Joy of joys,” I muttered. I hated needles, and the only reason I’d gone on the shot in the first place was because I was horrible at remembering to take the pill. One pregnancy scare was enough for me. The checkup seemed particularly redundant since Milo’s arrival the next day meant it’d all be over—one way or another.
“Go get dressed,” Kirk said, picking up our empty plates. He was usually fully dressed by breakfast, but I preferred my robe. Especially since it covered more than anything else in my current wardrobe and was far more comfortable.
I put on a pouty expression as he turned back to face me.
“My being nice to you apparently isn’t serving you well.” He crossed his arms, and I watched his muscles move under his tattoos. He took one step toward me, and my body felt heavier in the seat.
I pushed him just as much as ever, somehow finding pleasure in his reactions.
In having his attention focused directly on me—as if it wasn’t usually, there was just something about the intensity of his glare when I pressed his buttons.
He pressed one hand on the table in front of me and leaned into my face. My body tensed, but I managed to hold the daring smirk to my face, even as his breath brushed across my skin.
Hooking a finger under my chin, he pulled me to my feet. “We don’t have time for this.”
“Lately, time is all we have had.”
“All the more reason to get this over with.”
I hummed and pressed against him.
“I meant going upstairs to….” He took a deep breath, apparently losing his words. Swallowing audibly, he pressed me against the table. “Why do you have to press your limits now?”
“Because I have a bad feeling about leaving the room,” I said.
“So, your plan is to make me walk around with a raging hard-on,” he grunted but didn’t step away.
“We could remedy that.”
Kirk shook his head as he lifted my hips, and I wrapped my legs around him.
“You—” he shook his head. “Sometimes, I seriously question your sanity.”
“Why? Because I’d rather be locked up here having sex with you than,” I waved my hand to the door, “out there?”
“And you’ve decided to use sex to get what you want now?” He captured my mouth in a kiss that ended too soon, and then pulled me away and sat me on my feet. “Get dressed, Silver. I’ll make it all worth your while when we get back.”
Smirking, he patted my ass and waved me on to the living room.
I stomped away, rolling my eyes when I knew he couldn’t see me. So much for that delay.
“You know,” he drawled, leaning against the doorway to the kitchen, “you still look pretty sexy when you sulk.”
I stopped, looked over my shoulder and stuck out my tongue. If that wouldn’t get the fucker’s blood curling, nothing would. He merely raised an eyebrow and turned his back.
I huffed and shook my robe off, hooking it over one of the bedposts and pulling on a tank and a pair of shorts—surely acceptable attire for a trip to the doctor, although I still hadn’t been able to decipher the dress code here.
When I came out of the bedroom, Kirk hooked the leash to my collar. He hadn’t used it since my first week here.
“Seems you’re getting a little out of control.”
I lowered my head but peeked up at him, “Are you really complaining?”
Making a sound in his throat, he crossed his arms over his chest. “You’re worrying me a bit.”
I relaxed my shoulders and leaned against the wall. “I really do have a bad feeling.”
“Becoming reclusive after an interrupted week?”
“Last time—” my nails dug into my palms as my hands tightened. “I’m—I want control over something. I don’t just want to sit around here and have to jump when someone tells me what to do.”
Kirk held up his palm, and I unclenched a hand, placing my fingers against his.
“I wish I could give you that,” he whispered against my ear, “I’ll get it back for you. Just play your part and give me a little more time.” He sealed his promise with a nip to my neck, then straightened and gave me a wink.
I nodded, unsure if my voice would be steady enough to talk.
The infirmary was cold. Colder than usual, it seemed, but the last time I had been here, I wasn’t conscious of much except pain and crazy hallucinations. The doctor was nowhere to be seen, but Kirk led me to the exam table and I climbed up. He removed the leash and left a peck on my forehead.
I kept my head down, hands loose at my sides, playing the perfect slave—at least as close as I could get.
The doctor came in from the side door, syringe already in hand. I closed my eyes, ignoring the rapid thumps in my chest as cold alcohol touched my arm.
Next to me, Kirk spun the chain leash, curling it around his hand then reversing the direction to uncurl and curl it again. I concentrated on the spinning leash until the needle pierced my skin and muscle. I counted off the seconds as the liquid seeped into my body.
The doctor pulled the stethoscope away from his neck. I sat forward as he listened to my lungs.
“Sounds like she’s all clear,” Clarence said.
Can we go now?
“Anything else need checked while you’re here?” He spoke only to Kirk, as if I wasn’t there. Apparently, he only acknowledged my existence if I was in critical condition.
“No, she seems to be healing.”
“I’m sure Ross will be happy to hear that.”
Even without looking at him, I could feel Kirk stiffen.
“I recommend restricted activity for at least another week,” the doctor said. “I’ll make sure Ross knows. He let things get out of hand—”
“He pushed things out of hand,” Kirk corrected.
“Not really any more than usual. You just don’t try to see it.”
Kirk was getting pissed, and there was nothing I could rightfully do to ease his temper. The doctor stepped in front of me, closer to Kirk, but that
meant his back was not to me. I looked over his shoulder and shook my head.
Kirk sighed audibly and ran a hand through his hair.
“Not so easy when the girl is your responsibility, eh?”
“No,” Kirk growled. “Thanks.”
Kirk didn’t even fasten the leash back on my collar before grabbing my arm and dragging me toward the door. Inside the elevator, he released me to answer his buzzing phone. I caught a glimpse of the screen.
The incoming message from Miles simply read, “Incoming.”
I didn’t dare ask what it meant until we got back to the apartment, but as soon as the door closed, I opened my mouth. “Wha—”
“Get in the shower,” he ordered. There was one tone I didn’t mess with. I nodded and stripped off my clothes on the way to the tub. As soon as I turned on the water, I heard Kirk’s voice.
Apparently he wanted me in the shower so I couldn’t hear what was going on.
A few minutes later, he entered the bathroom, dropped his clothes and stepped into the tub behind me. He put a hand around me, but I shook him away.
“Milo will be here early,” he said. “I wasn’t hiding from you. If you can be feisty and difficult, so can I.”
I elbowed him in the ribs and he pulled my arms back, sucking at my neck.
He may as well have sucked the air out of my lungs. I felt myself go weak as he pressed me against the wall. My nipples hardened against the cold tile. He pulled my hips away from the wall and slid his fingers inside of me.
My back arched and the tile vibrated against my skin as I moaned.
Kirk pressed his cock to my entrance and thrust into me, barely leaving me time to prepare. He reached around me and put my hands around the bar in the shower. “You might want to hold on.”
He rubbed my clit as he pulled me another step away from the wall, leaving me hanging from the bar until I was bent at a nearly ninety degree angle.
I moaned as he sank into a steady rhythm, and then I felt a finger press at my ass. I tensed, then my body became tied up in the pleasure and I loosened. His fingers slid in slowly, and then matched the rhythm of his cock. He added a second finger. The motions in my ass became a counterpoint to his cock, igniting every nerve.
Irrevocable: A Sins of Ashville Abduction Dark Romance (Irrevocable Duet Book 1) Page 24