The Loner

by Josephine Cox

  ‘You’ll need to be warm,’ she told him hurriedly. ‘It gets really cold in the barn at night.’ Going to the hook on the wall, she took down a blanket and handed it to him. ‘It smells a bit horsey, but he’s only had it on his back the once… he doesn’t like wearing blankets.’

  Davie took it. ‘Thanks. Now you go back to the house… go on. I’ll be fine.’

  A moment later, as she was leaving, Judy whispered, ‘Get some sleep, Davie. And don’t worry – I’ll be back before my parents wake.’

  She didn’t want to leave him. She wanted to lie down beside him and feel his strong arms round her. Her feelings were all mixed up. She loved him for being here – but was angry with him for leaving her; most of all, she was saddened by the idea of waking up and finding him gone, and knowing she might never see him again.

  Then she remembered his promise to write and to think of her, and her heart was warmed.

  She got as far as the house when she wondered whether he was asleep yet. If he was intending to go right away to find work and somewhere to live, he might have to travel miles before he was settled. He needed his sleep. Oh, but what if he woke up, feeling sad and panicky, and she wasn’t there? Or what if her father went down to the barn at first light, as he sometimes did if he thought the fox was about, and Davie heard him coming and sneaked away – and she wasn’t there to say good bye? A sob rose in her throat, along with a terrible premonition of loss. The idea haunted her.

  Quickly now, she ran back, and creeping into the barn, she called his name. ‘Davie?’ The lamp was out; there was no answer. She went on, deeper into the barn to where they had sat together, and in the glimmer of star light through the window she saw him, snuggled deep into the blanket, fast asleep. For a moment she watched him, as she dried her eyes.

  Carefully, she got to her knees and lifting the corner of the blanket, she slid in beside him. For a moment she just lay there, not daring to touch him for fear that he might wake. Instead, she looked at his sleeping face, and a tide of contentment washed over her. She took that moment to cherish him, and then she was pushing towards him, bathing in the warmth of his body, nervous that he might wake and send her away.

  He didn’t wake. Instead, in his slumbers, he must have sensed her there for he turned towards her and took her into his arms, and that’s how the two young people lay, until fingers of dawn crept through the darkness.

  Davie was the first to wake. And when he found himself holding her, he was shocked to the core. ‘Judy, what are you doing here? How long have you been here…Judy?’ She stirred, stretched her arms, but didn’t wake.

  Davie smiled. She was a funny little thing, he thought, his soft gaze sweeping her pretty face. She probably thought he would sneak off into the night the minute her back was turned. So she had come back…and he never even knew.He looked at her a moment longer, at that small cute face and the long brown hair that teased over her shoulder; raising his hand, he moved a stray strand from her forehead. My lovely little Judy he thought affectionately. I’ll miss you so much.

  He would miss everything, he thought – his parents and his grandfather, the sparsely furnished bedroom that on and off, had been his only real home these past few years, and the people of Derwent Street, with their familiar faces and cheery greetings.

  He would miss weekends helping Tom and Judy on the milk-cart, and he would miss the long meandering walks through the local fields and woods. He would miss the joy of swimming in the canal in the heat of a summer’s afternoon, and the all too rare visits into Blackburn Town, where he and his school friends had wandered for hours amongst the brightly coloured market-stalls, clutching their saved-up pocket-money. His mam would never dig into her handbag again, he thought in sorrow, and fish out a three penny bit from her purse, or, if he was lucky, a whole shilling. She’d give him a kiss to go with it, and a peppermint cream or a Spangle. His mam’s handbag, full of bus-tickets, lipstick and tweezers and a packet of Park Drive, had such a lovely smell…For a moment, the boy was lost in memories.

  Then his thoughts returned to the road ahead. Most of all, he would miss Judy, for she had not only been a friend to whom he could turn at any time, with her kind, warm nature she was also the loving, caring sister he had never had.

  He spent another moment gazing at her, remembering, before reluctantly slipping out of the blanket, covering her over to keep out the cold, and finding the pen and paper she had brought him. He struck a match and lit the lamp low, and in its soft halo of light he began to write the promised letter.

  Dear Grandad,

  I’m going away now, and I don’t know when I’m coming back. I don’t belong in Blackburn any more, not after what’s happened. I don’t know where I belong – all I know is that I’ve got to get away. Please don’t worry about me. Just look after yourself, and be strong. When I’m settled, I’ll write to you.I don’t blame you for throwing us out. Mam had caused you so much trouble, and I know you were at the end of your tether. But she’s gone now, and may God rest her soul. I shall pray for her every night. Will you tell her that, Grandad, when you visit her grave? I shall never forget her, never stop loving her. Will miss her forever.

  If you hear from Dad, will you please let him know there are no hard feelings, and I hope we’ll meet again someday. I shall be searching for him, every chance I get.

  I love you, Grandad, but it’s time you had your home back, and some peace and quiet. I want to find my way in the world. I’m nearly fourteen, and I don’t really know what I want to do. I’m afraid, and I’m excited. There are so many things I need to find out, and new places I want to go.

  I’m nearly a man now. And I need to prove I can do it all by myself.

  So, take care of yourself, Grandad, and please keep an eye out for Judy. She has been my friend all of my life, and she’s very precious.

  Give me your blessing, Grandad. I give you mine.

  Your grandson, Davie

  A tear fell from his sore eyes. Folding the paper into itself, he knelt beside Judy. ‘I’ve written the letter,’ he told her. Touching her gently on the shoulder, he raised his voice. ‘I have to go.’ Still no response. She was spark out! Laughing now, he gave her a little shake. ‘Hey! Lazybones, wakey wakey!’

  ‘Mmm?’ Sleepily opening her eyes, the girl saw him there and all her memories came tumbling back. She began to scramble out of the blanket. ‘Why didn’t you wake me?’ She looked out of the window. ‘Oh no! It’s morning.’‘JUDY!’ Beth’s raised voice struck fear into their hearts. ‘Where the divil are you?’

  Hurrying to the barn door, Davie peered out through the cracks. ‘It’s your mam,’ he told Judy. ‘I’d best go.’ Running back to where she was brushing the horse-hairs from her skirt, he took her by the shoulders. ‘It’s time to say goodbye.’ He handed her the letter. ‘You will see that Grandad gets this, won’t you?’

  ‘You know I will.’

  He gazed at her, feeling lonelier than he had ever felt. ‘Thanks for everything, Jude.’

  ‘Where the dickens is that girl?’ Beth’s voice was even closer now.

  The boy turned and would have kissed her on the forehead, but suddenly Judy was kissing him, full on the mouth and with her arms round his neck. It was a fleeting kiss, but it spoke volumes.

  ‘I’ll write,’ Davie said, as he clambered out of the window.

  ‘Promise?’

  His promise was the smile he gave her. And then he was gone.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  ‘SO, THIS IS where you’ve been hiding out, is it?’ Beth said angrily, hands on hips. ‘What on earth d’you think you’re playing at, Judy? You’ve had me almost out of my mind with worry. It’s a good job I didn’t wake your father and have him going crazy! The poor man needs his rest after yesterday’s shenanigans.’

  Tutting and fretting, but greatly relieved at finding the girl, she queried, ‘I thought you didn’t like the spiders in the barn – so what are you doing out here in the cold, at this time of morning?’‘
Davie was here,’ Judy said simply.

  ‘Davie? Thank God he’s safe.’ Beth looked about. ‘Where is he? I’m going to give him a big breakfast and a bit o’ comfort, poor lad.’

  ‘He’s gone.’

  ‘What – back to his grandad?’

  ‘No. I don’t know where he’s gone.’ It only now occurred to Judy that he had not mentioned any particular direction.

  Beth was frantic. ‘Is he all right? What did he say? Why didn’t you wake us? Your father would have driven him home.’

  ‘That’s why we didn’t wake you,’ the girl explained. ‘Because he didn’t want to go back there.’

  Beth considered that for a moment. ‘I see. He can’t forgive Joseph for throwing him out, is that it?’

  ‘No. He’s already forgiven him. Look.’ She held out the letter. ‘He wrote this to his grandad. He wants me to take it to him.’

  Beth nodded. ‘I’m glad for that at least,’ she said. ‘But how did you know Davie was here?’

  ‘While I was pulling my curtains last night, I thought I saw a movement over by the barn, but I wasn’t sure. And then I eventually decided it must have been him, so I came out, and there he was, making himself a bed in the hay.’

  ‘So you helped him, did you, lass?’

  ‘Yes. I made him a snack and gave him food for the journey. I hope you don’t mind, Mam. He was so hungry and thirsty.’

  Beth gave her an emotional hug and thanked God for this kindly child.

  ‘You’re a good friend, Judy. And so now he’s gone, eh?’

  ‘Yes, Mam.’

  ‘And you don’t know where he’s headed?’

  ‘No.’ If only she knew, she might be more content. ‘I don’t think Davie knows either. He said he wanted to make a life for himself and not be a trouble to anybody.’ She recalled his words. ‘‘‘I need to prove myself’’, that’s what he said.’

  Beth gave a long, deep sigh. ‘Well, it’s understandable. His whole world’s been turned upside down…I expect he needs to think his way through it all. He’s nobbut a lad still and being on his own, he’ll find the world more of a hostile place than he ever imagined.’ The motherly woman believed he would have a change of mind once he was out there in the big wide world. ‘I’ll give him a week,’ she said confidently, ‘afore he starts heading back.’

  Sliding her arm round Judy’s shoulders, she drew her away, but then, catching a sniff of the girl’s clothes, she pulled back. ‘By ’eck, you stink to high heaven, lass!’ she exclaimed. ‘Anybody’d think you’d been sleeping with the old shire!’

  When they got back to the house, Tom was up and at it. He had washed, dressed, and was already across the yard to feed the chickens. ‘I’m off to see whether that damn fox has been at my birds,’ he shouted to them. ‘If there’s any damage, the old sod won’t get away with it this time!’ He patted the shotgun slung over his arm. ‘I’ll be good and ready if he shows up.’

  ‘Be careful with that thing!’ Beth nagged him. She had never liked the shotgun. ‘Like as not you’ll get excited and shoot your toes clean off.’

  ‘Away with you, woman,’ he called back. ‘There’s nobody can handle a shotgun better than Thomas Makepeace!’ With that he strode away, hellbent on a confrontation.

  Inside the house, Beth set about cooking breakfast while Judy went off to get washed and dressed.

  When the bacon and mushrooms were simmering nicely and still there was no sign of her daughter, Beth turned off the gas, covered the pan and went up to her room.Judy was curled up on the windowseat, looking dreamily out across the land. ‘Thanks, Mam, but I don’t really want any breakfast,’ she said.

  ‘Don’t want your breakfast!’ Beth was astonished. ‘But you’re allus ready for your breakfast. During the day you don’t eat as much as I would like you to, but you love your Sunday breakfast. I’ve cooked those new mushrooms your dad brought home. By! They smell right tasty. Come on now, Judy, get yourself downstairs, afore they spoil.’ ‘I’m not hungry this morning, Mam.’ Concerned, Beth came to sit beside her. ‘What is it, my love?’ She had an instinct that only a mother could feel. ‘What’s ailing you?’ ‘Nothing. I’m just not hungry, that’s all.’ Beth persisted. ‘Don’t give me that. I know you far too well, and I can see there’s more to it than that. Something’s worrying you. Whatever it is, you know you can always talk to me.’ Of course Judy would be worried about young Davie. But this was a deeper mood, and it wasn’t in the girl’s nature to be so sad.

  There was a long pause, during which Judy wondered if her mammy could really understand the feelings that were burning inside her. ‘Mam?’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘If I ask you something, you won’t laugh at me, will you?’

  ‘Now, why would I do that, eh?’

  ‘Well…’ Embarrassed, she fell momentarily silent.

  ‘Go on, lass.’

  Another, longer pause, then, ‘Mam?’

  ‘Yes? I’m still here.’

  ‘Mam, what does it feel like…’ Judy took a deep breath ‘… when you love somebody?’

  ‘We ll, now…’ Beth knew she would have to answer carefully if she was to keep the girl’s confidence. ‘It all depends, I suppose.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  Beth took a moment to consolidate her thoughts, before saying, ‘What I mean is, there’s many kinds of love. There’s the love you feel for your family, and the love you have for a dear friend. And then there’s the other kind of love…’

  ‘What other kind?’

  ‘The kind that sweethearts feel for each other.’

  ‘And is that really so different?’

  ‘Oh, yes, lass. It’s a very different love altogether.’

  Beth thought of her husband and the smile on her face said it all. She and Tom had met one market-day some twenty years ago. There was she, doing shopping for the doctor’s house, where she worked as a maid, and there was he, behind the egg stall. She’d only gone and caught the edge of the table where the eggs were laid out, with her old-fashioned wicker basket, which was almost as big as she was, and knocked a couple dozen duck eggs to the cobbles. Eeh! She flushed at the memory of her clumsiness. But he’d been so kind, and in the midst of her confusion, she’d noticed the sparkle in his eyes. And that had been the start of it. And look at them now – a right Darby and Joan.

  ‘You know straight off that he’s the one you want to spend the rest of your life with,’ she went on, and clutched her chest. ‘You feel it in here…a kind of longing that you can’t shift. You want to be with him every minute of the day and night, and when you’re together, you never want it to end. I know you’re only twelve now, but you’ll soon be grown, and love like that will come your way, God willing.’

  Judy was beginning to follow her reasoning, but she had another question for her mother to answer. ‘And what happens if you love someone like a friend, and then it changes without you even noticing, and it’s…different, and it hurts. And you don’t know what to do about it?’

  ‘I see.’ But Beth wasn’t quite sure what it was that she could see. Still, her darling girl was hurting, and she sensed that it had something to do with Davie. And the more she thought about it, the more fearful she became.

  Reaching out, she hooked her finger under Judy’s chin and made her look at her. ‘I’ve answered your question as well as I know how,’ she said, ‘and now I need you to answer mine. Will you do that for me?’

  ‘Yes, Mam.’

  ‘And will you answer truthfully?’

  ‘Yes, of course I will.’

  With a slow intake of breath, Beth prepared to ask what was on her mind. ‘Just now, when I found you in the barn with Davie, how long had you been there?’

  ‘I don’t know…two hours, may be more.’

  ‘And were you just talking all that time?’

  ‘Not all the time.’

  ‘So, tell me how it was…right from the beginning.’

  ‘Well, like I say, I was a
bout to go to bed when I thought I saw a movement by the barn. I assumed it was the cats or something else, and I went to bed. But I didn’t sleep very well. So I decided to go and see if it had been Davie, and it was.’

  ‘All right. Then what?’

  ‘We talked for a bit, and I went to get him some food and drink and I brought it back to him. He ate the food, and then I left and he promised not to go away without seeing me first.’

  ‘But if you’d already left, how come you were still there when I found you?’

  ‘I worried that if I slept too long, I’d miss him. So I went back.’ She grinned at the memory. ‘Davie was fast asleep and it was really chilly, so I got under the blanket with him. Pooh! It did pong, but at least it was warm.’

  Beth’s heart skipped a beat, and she did not smile. ‘Judy, did anything happen when you were with Davie under the blanket?’

  The girl gave her a puzzled look. She wasn’t altogether sure what her mother was saying, but nor was she so naïve that she didn’t suspect the reasoning behind it. Being brought up on a farm, she knew all about the birds and the bees – and the pigs, cows and sheep, come to that. ‘No!’ Bristling, she sat upright. ‘I know what you’re getting at, Mam, and you’re wrong!’

  Springing to Davie’s defence she declared, ‘I know how Sheila Clarkson did wrong with that boy from the fairground and she had a baby, but Davie would never do a thing like that, and neither would I!’

  Beth could see the truth in Judy’s eyes and she felt a great sense of relief. ‘I’m sorry, sweetheart,’ she said. ‘But I had to ask.’ Reaching out, she took Judy’s hands into her own. ‘I’m a mother,’ she murmured. ‘One day, God willing when you’re married and settled, with a good man and children of your own, you’ll know why I had to make sure. So…am I forgiven?’