The Loner

by Josephine Cox

  As Beth sighed, thinking of it, Tom broke into her reverie. ‘Aye, it’s made a world of difference to the old fella, but he still hasn’t been persuaded to get back into the darts team. Look here, our Judy, you tell Joe that we’re choosing the new darts team down at the Corporation pub on Wednesday. Say we’re in need of a good player and there’s none better than his good self.’

  ‘I thought he gave that up some years back,’

  Beth recalled. ‘Didn’t he say as how staring at the board made his eyes sore?’

  ‘That’s what he said, right enough, lass. But I reckon it were more a sore heart than sore eyes. Ask him all the same,’ he reminded his daughter. ‘Joseph is still the best player we ever had. You tell him that, lass, will you?’

  ‘’Course I will.’ Judy took the dirty crockery to the sink, where she scraped the few leftover scraps into the special bowl: a treat for the pigs later on.

  Leaving her parents chatting over the latest gossip from Tom’s milk-round and Beth’s recent visit to town, Judy went upstairs to get ready for the trip to Derwent Street.

  When half an hour later she returned downstairs, her long hair brushed to shining, and her face scrubbed softly pink, Beth commented on how lovely she looked in her new cream-coloured dress. ‘You made a good choice in that frock.’ She noted how the calf-length skirt swung easily about Judy’s slim legs, and she liked the way her waist was accentuated by the broad brown belt. ‘Mrs Gregory is right to value you,’ she remarked proudly. ‘You have a natural instinct as to what suits and what doesn’t.’‘You didn’t say that last year when she came home in a pair of trousers and a flat cap,’ Tom reminded her. ‘You said she resembled a scarecrow from out the field.’

  ‘And so she did!’ Beth declared. ‘Whatever Mrs Gregory was thinking of, when she dressed our lass in black flapping trousers and a big flat cap, I will never know!’

  ‘We were just trying out the new fashions,’ Judy grinned. ‘And if you didn’t like what I was wearing, it’s as well you didn’t see what Mrs Gregory had on.’

  ‘And what was that?’ Tom was intrigued.

  The girl tried to describe it as best she could. ‘It was a long red coat with split tails, a wide floppy hat with a bow, and a pair of high-heeled boots.’

  ‘How ridiculous – especially for a woman her age!’ Beth was not impressed. ‘High heels indeed! I shouldn’t think she was at all comfortable.’

  Judy laughed at the memory. ‘I didn’t tell you before because I didn’t want to be mean about her.’

  ‘So, you can tell us now.’ Though content in her old knee-length coat and a sturdy pair of shoes, Beth was always interested in what other women were wearing.

  ‘Well, you know she took me shopping in Manchester, and she wanted us to come home in what she’d bought … said it would open folks’ eyes?’

  ‘Oh, yes.’

  ‘Well, when we got back, we parted company at the Boulevard. I got on the tram and she walked over to the train station. It was pouring with rain and the wind had really got up. In a matter of minutes, the big hat was sailing down the gutter, her coat was up over her head, and she caught her shoe in a grating. Whipped the heel clean off, it did.’

  ‘Well, I never!’ Beth’s face melted into a grin and Tom laughed out loud. ‘No doubt she had summat strong to say about all that, eh?’

  ‘She said it was all a matter of experience.’ Judy shrugged. ‘Nothing seems to ruffle her feathers.’

  ‘Aye, well, fashions change and Mrs Gregory has to keep up with it all.’ Looking at his daughter now, Tom was immensely proud. ‘You look pretty as a picture, lass.’

  ‘Well, it’s a good job she doesn’t tek after you, isn’t it?’ Beth was teasing again.

  Tom would have none of it. ‘Give over, woman. It’s me she gets her looks from. My daughter comes from good stock.’

  Judy giggled. ‘You could be talking about one of your farm animals,’ she said. ‘Next thing, you’ll be wanting to fatten me up for market.’

  ‘Aw, my pet, you’re the best thing me an’ your mam’s ever been blessed with,’ he answered with a warm smile.

  ‘You’re just an old softie, Dad.’ The girl gave him an affectionate hug, and the same for her mam. ‘I’d best be off now,’ she said. ‘I’ll be going straight on to Annie’s when I leave Derwent Street, so I won’t be back till teatime.’ As an afterthought, she asked her mother, ‘Is it all right if I bring Annie back for some dinner?’

  ‘’Course it’s all right. I’ll make a big shepherd’s pie with enough for plenty more people, in case they all want to come.’ Then, as always, Beth warned her to be careful about the traffic. ‘The streets get busier by the day.’

  With a decisive nod of his head, Tom agreed. ‘We should consider ourselves fortunate to be living in the countryside.’

  ‘The countryside isn’t all that safe neither,’ Beth said sadly, then: ‘Not with you racing along the lanes in that rattly old milk-wagon and a horse that’s going senile.’

  ‘He never is!’ Tom was shocked. ‘That old horse has more sense than you and me put together.’

  ‘That’s not saying much then, is it?’ Beth was determined to have the last word.

  ‘Mam?’ There was something else on Judy’s mind in that moment, as in every moment throughout the day. ‘D’you think Don might have got any news of Davie? Has he been trying to find out where he is?’

  Beth could not pretend; it was not in her nature. She was not optimistic. ‘I don’t know, lass. You see, I reckon it’s early days yet. Since he’s been back, Don’s had enough to cope with. He’s found that new job, and he’s also been taking care of Joseph. Five long years, he’s been away, and there were a lot of things to put right. But don’t worry, I’m sure he’s got plans where Davie’s concerned.’

  Tom added, ‘If Don had any news of the boy, we’d be the first to know.’

  ‘I’d best get going,’ Judy sighed.

  ‘And don’t forget to take your coat,’ Beth reminded her.

  As she set off down the lane, coat over her arm, the thought of Davie was strong in Judy’s mind. Life was not the same without him. Day and night, she missed him so very much.

  The tram was already at the stop, so she ran the last few hundred yards and clambering aboard, went quickly to her seat. The tram started forward and the conductor was soon round collecting the fares, and when he was gone Judy’s thoughts returned to her favourite subject – Davie. She had never forgotten his face, nor his voice, and even now, she expected him to appear round every corner, but he never did.

  Preoccupied with her thoughts, and oblivious to the other passengers, the girl was amazed when the conductor called out, ‘Preston New Road … all off that’s getting off!’As the tram shuddered to a halt, Judy made her way to the step. ‘Mind how you go now,’ the driver called out. Having worked this line for the past six years, he was familiar with Judy and her friend, Annie. And like everyone else throughout the whole of Blackburn, he knew the story of Rita Adams and the family.

  Judy disembarked, and made her way to the top of Derwent Street and down to Joseph’s house. She knocked on the door and in no time at all, could hear him coming up the passageway.

  ‘Aw, Judy lass, come in … come in,’ the old fella said. He opened the door wide and allowed her to pass. ‘I’ve just made a brew. There’s plenty in the pot for two.’

  Highly pleased to see her, he busied himself in the kitchen while she followed him around, merrily chatting and asking about everything; other than what she really wanted to know.

  But Joseph sensed what was on her mind, and as they returned to the parlour, he bade her sit down. Handing her the cup and saucer, he sat himself facing her. ‘I’m sorry, lass, but there’s still no news of our Davie,’ he said.

  The girl’s heart sank. ‘What’s happened to him, Joseph?’ she asked quietly. There were tears in her eyes. ‘Why haven’t we heard from him, in all this time?’

  Joseph shook his head. ‘I on
ly wish I knew.’

  ‘Do you think he’s all right?’

  The old man took a moment to answer. ‘I reckon so, yes,’ he said at length. ‘I’ve thought and thought, and deep down inside I’ve got a good feeling about him. Y’see, lass, our Davie were allus a sensible lad – made to grow up afore his time, what with his mammy behaving the way she did an’ all.’

  ‘So you really think he’s alive and safe?’ She trusted Joseph’s instinct.

  ‘I do, lass, yes, I promise.’

  ‘And do you think he’ll ever come home?’

  ‘Well now, young Judith, your guess is as good as mine on that score.’

  There were times when Joseph gave up hope of his grandson ever again setting foot in this house, and then there were other times when his heart and bones felt him walking down the street, tall and accomplished and grown into a man, ready to forgive those who had hurt him the most.

  ‘Sometimes at night, when I can’t sleep, he comes strong to my mind.’ Joseph spoke his thoughts aloud. ‘I worry about him all the time. Where did he go from here? Did he stay safe? And if he is safe, why did he never get in touch?’ He gave an odd littleshiver. ‘I have to think that he made it somewhere safe. I can’t let myself believe he did anything silly, or that he came to harm in some way or another. Y’see, if I let myself think that way, it would take away my hope and finish me altogether.’

  The girl understood what he was saying, because didn’t she feel the very same way?

  ‘Joseph?’

  He took a sip of his tea. ‘Yes, my dearie?’

  ‘Will Don ever go after him, d’you think?’

  ‘Aye, lass, one o’ these fine days he’ll go after him, when he’s good and ready.’ He took another sip of his tea. ‘Mind you, he’s already been to the authorities … trying to stir them into re-opening the search. The trouble is, it’s been five years and more since Davieran off. He were nobbut a young kid then, but now he’s going on nineteen, and that does mek a difference. They tried to convince Don that Davie didn’t want to be found – not then and not now. An’ of course, it’s no crime to leave home, is it, pet?’

  ‘And do you believe that, about him not wanting to be found?’ She had thought along those lines herself.

  ‘I’m not sure what to believe,’ he answered thoughtfully. ‘Time and again I’ve tried to put myself in his shoes and think what I might have done.’

  ‘And would you have made a new life away from here? Would you never want to come back?’

  ‘Happen I would … happen I wouldn’t. All I know is this: if my father walked out on me, and my grandfather threw me out on the streets, I don’t know as I could ever forgive them. And then to have his mammy die in his arms …’ Joseph’s heart broke as he thought of what Davie must have gone through that night. ‘Dear God, lass, what a terrible thing for a young lad to bear.’

  For a time his words weighed heavy in the air, and in the silence, the two of them were carried back to that awful night when all of their lives had been changed for ever.

  ‘Don is desperate to find him.’ Joseph broke the silence. ‘He’s had a bad time himself, since he found out what happened. He’s had no peace … terrible nightmares, pacing the floor unable to sleep. When he’s done with work, he’s out on the streets at all hours, asking after Davie, talking to anyone who might listen – showing them a description of his lad, asking if they’ve seen him. Or whether they have heard of a boy on his own. But no one has, or if they have, they’re not saying.’

  ‘So he hasn’t been able to find out anything?’

  ‘Nothing whatsoever.’ Joseph took in a deep, long breath. ‘It’s as if our Davie’s fallen off the edge of the world.’

  ‘So, what will Don do next?’

  ‘Oh, he’ll still go after him.’ Joseph had no doubts about it. ‘But he needs to build his strength up first. He needs to sleep regular and feel settled inside, afore he sets off scouring the country looking hither and yon.’ Leaning forward, the old man confided in Judy, ‘There were times soon after he came back, when I feared he was losing his mind. He woke me in the early hours, chiding himself, talking to Davie, pleading with Rita … asking their forgiveness. He’s still driving himself too hard, still blaming himself. I’ve told him: Rita had enough warnings and never once showed any remorse - not till it were too late, anyway! Any other man would have walked out on her years back, but my son-in-law won’t have it. He misses her so much, is grieving so badly. And then he works all hours, hell bent on saving enough money so’s he can take time off work and go after his lad. He’s worried about mean’ all – says as how he has to make sure I don’t go without while he’s away. An’ even now, after he’s done his work and had a bite to eat, he’s off till midnight, travelling miles on his old pushbike, asking the same questions: ‘‘Have you seen my son? Is there news of a young man on his own?’’’

  He paused a moment. ‘I tell him to take it easy, to give himself time to breathe. But he doesn’t know how to.’

  Now that old Joe had given her the full picture, Judy was shocked. She had had no idea the situation was that bad. ‘Wouldn’t it be best if he went looking for Davie now,’ she asked timidly. ‘He could find work along the way, and could send you money every week, couldn’t he?’

  ‘I suggested that, lass, but he’s got a first-class job here in Blackburn, and he’s already building a little stash of money to see him through. A few more months, he said, and he’ll be ready to leave.’

  ‘I suppose he’s right.’ The girl could see the sense of it. ‘Besides, Davie’s been gone for so long, I expect his dad’s thinking a few more months won’t make any difference.’

  ‘That’s exactly right, lass. But still, he’s like a cat on hot bricks. If he doesn’t get his rest and stop blaming himself, he’ll go under – and then where will we be, eh?’

  He knew from first hand how guilty Don felt – for didn’t he feel the same way, too? He wished there was more he could do to help him, but there wasn’t. ‘Much as I love Davie, I have to accept that he is Don’s son and not mine. So I’ve come to the conclusion, it’s best to leave Don be and let him do it his way. He has a fair-enough plan worked out, and it’s only right that he should do as he thinks best.’

  ‘So, when does he think he’ll be able to go in search of Davie?’

  ‘Like I say, he reckons on a few months. So what I think is, he’ll work right through the winter until next spring, and then he’ll up sticks and be off. I’ll be lonely when he’s gone, I can tell you that, lass. But if he’s got Davie alongside him when he comes back, it’ll be worth every minute I spend on my own.’ He chuckled with delight. ‘By! The day I see yon Don walking up the street with our Davie beside him, it’ll be a sight for sore eyes, that it will.’

  ‘Oh, Joseph, that would be so wonderful,’ Judy murmured, her voice shaking with emotion. ‘The best day of all.’ She suddenly remembered her mam’s message. ‘Oh, and Joseph – Mam said you and Don were welcome to come round to supper tonight.’

  ‘Tell your mammy she’s a good kind lady, and I’d be there like a shot if I hadn’t said I’d play cards with Elsie from the corner shop. Don will be off on his wanderings after an extra shift at the workshop today. So that’s neither of us can come an’ taste your mam’s cooking. You just give her our kindest regards, love.’

  Before she left to go on to Annie’s, Judy gave Joseph a kiss on his leathery cheek. ‘Take care of yourself,’ she said. ‘I’ll come and visit again, if that’s all right?’

  ‘Goes without saying,’ he assured her. ‘The very sight of you in this house does my heart good. And happen the next time you come by, there’ll be news of our Davie, eh?’ He walked her to the door, where he gave her a hug. ‘Don’t you be a stranger now.’

  ‘I won’t.’

  He watched her start off then he returned to his parlour and his armchair, and the dream of having his family all together under the one roof. ‘God bless and forgive you, Rita,’ he prayed. ‘I
can’t stay angry with you, not when I know the fault started long ago, when you were little, and your wayward mammy was the worst example you could have had.’ He nodded off, thinking of his beautiful Marie, and remembering her sitting up in bed, holding their newborn daughter in her arms. And for these precious minutes, his world was full of light.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  JUDY WAS HALFWAY down Derwent Street when she heard her name being called. ‘Hey, Judy! Hang on a minute!’ It was Lenny. Panting, he caught up with her. ‘Been to see Joseph, have you?’ Coming out of the door to see her there was a lovely surprise. He, Annie and Judy were all the best of friends. Annie was always much calmer in Lenny’s company, and Judy herself loved the straightforward and humorous natureof him. They all looked out for each other, and it was great.

  As they walked on together, the girl told him what Joseph had said. ‘Don is in a bit of a state,’ she said.‘So I gather,’ Lenny answered. ‘I sat on the step with Joseph the other day, and he told me how Don took it real bad about Rita and his son. From what I understand, he blames himself for what happened.’

  ‘I expect it will be a long time before he comes to terms with the death of Rita,’ Judy commented sadly. ‘We’ve had five years to get used to what happened, but it’s all quite fresh for him, poor man.’

  ‘You’re right,’ Lenny said. ‘But when he’s saved enough to carry them through, he’ll take off after Davie. By that time, things won’t be so raw, and Don will have a clearer mind.’

  Judy felt content in Lenny’s company. He was so kind and sensible. ‘How’s your business going?’ she asked.

  ‘Really well.’ He smiled down at her. ‘I’m hoping to complete on the shop soon. It’s taken me ages to get the deposit, but the bank are helping me.’