The Maze Bummer

by Steve Lookner

  “Why?” said Minho.

  “The girl just told me she triggered the ending,” said Thomas.

  “Told you?” said Minho.

  “She can talk to me in my head,” said Thomas.

  “Good to know I’m not the only one that happens to,” said Minho. “That weird guy Brian from Box Forest keeps asking me in my head to have dinner with him.”

  “Shall we?” said Thomas, and started running back toward the Sausage Fest.

  “Whoa, hold on,” said Minho.

  “But we need to get back now!” said Thomas.

  “If we go back now they’ll know we didn’t run that far to begin with,” said Minho. “Just wait a little bit.”

  Thomas sat back down next to Minho. Three hours later, Minho gave Thomas the thumbs up and they headed back.

  Even though it took only ten minutes to get back to the Sausage Fest, when Minho ran through the opening he collapsed to the ground and lay there gasping like he’d just finished a marathon.

  “Sorry it took so long to get back!” he shouted to no one in particular. “Tom said we had to return immediately, so we ran the 12 miles back here as fast as we could!”

  Minho noticed that Thomas was still standing and threw a pebble at his head. Thomas immediately collapsed and acted like he was exhausted.

  “Yeah, I’m also so tired from running!” Thomas shouted.

  Thomas lay on his back and looked up at the sky. Suddenly, he saw the sky completely change.

  The blue sky that had been there disappeared, and a multicolored TV test pattern filled the sky. Words began scrolling across the bottom of the pattern, saying, “The sky is experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by.”

  The Sausage Fest became a big commotion as everybody started shouting and pointing at the sky.

  Tom, come meet me at Box Forest! We need to talk.

  It was Teresa. Apparently she’d woken up.

  Be right there, said Thomas in his head, and took off for Box Forest.

  Tom, come meet me behind the Frat House! said another voice in Thomas’s head.

  Sorry Brian, said Thomas. I already have other plans.

  CHAPTER 20

  Thomas ran into Box Forest and saw Teresa standing there.

  “Thomas!” cried Teresa, and ran over and hugged him. He was kinda hoping for a make out, but what can you do.

  “You’re awake,” said Thomas.

  “Yeah,” said Teresa. “And when I went to change my clothes, I found this on my arm.”

  She showed Thomas her arm, which had a bunch of words written on it:

  Don’t EVER go out with Tom again. That guy’s a total jerk.

  “I must’ve written it on myself before I came here,” said Teresa. “What do you think it means?”

  “No idea,” said Thomas, “but it’s probably not important, so we should just ignore it. Hey, is there any writing on the rest of your body?”

  “I didn’t see any,” said Teresa.

  “But there are parts you can’t see, like your entire backside,” said Thomas. “Here, take off your clothes and I’ll check it for you.”

  “Good idea,” said Teresa, and started taking off her clothes. But before she’d even gotten her top off, Newt and Alby came running up with a couple other dudes, and Teresa quickly put her clothes back on.

  “Thanks a klunkin’ lot,” said Thomas.

  Newt pointed at Teresa. “We’ve been lookin’ all over for her,” he said. “After she woke up, she said something about ‘triggering the ending’ and then ran off. Five minutes later, the sky was all klunked.”

  “I want her locked in my bedroom, right now!” said Alby. “And once you’ve put her there, have her strip down to her underwear to make sure she’s not hiding anything.” The two other dudes grabbed Teresa and put her in handcuffs.

  “Why are you blaming her?” said Thomas. “You have no idea what caused the sky to change.”

  “Just be happy we’re not locking you up, too,” said Alby. “Ever since you two arrived things have been totally klunked up.”

  “Oh come on, isn’t that exaggerating things a bit?” said Thomas. “So the sky’s a little klunky, big whoop.”

  “It’s not just the sky, shankbag,” said Alby. “They’ve stopped delivering pizza.”

  CHAPTER 21

  No more pizza? Thomas didn’t believe it. He ran to the frat house and found Spatula.

  “Are you sure they’ve stopped delivering?” said Thomas. “Maybe this is just their way of saying they want bigger tips.”

  “I’m sure,” said Spatula. “The delivery number’s been disconnected.”

  Everything was falling apart. No more food. No more sky. And Teresa had been taken into custody.

  Thomas knew there was only one thing to do.

  He ran to the fridge and ate as much of the leftover pizza as he could fit in his stomach. He ate 17 slices total, and then hid another 60 in his pants.

  But Thomas knew there was something else he needed to do.

  He needed to remember.

  The familiar sound of the walls closing filled the Sausage Fest. Thomas ran to one of the openings and stepped into the Maze.

  CHAPTER 22

  The next thing Thomas remembered, he was lying on a bed in the frat house with a splitting headache. He raised his head groggily.

  “Thomas, can you hear me?” It was Chuck.

  “Chuck? What am I doing here?”

  “You just went through the Changing,” said Chuck. “For some klunkin’ reason you went out into the Maze again at night.”

  Thomas noticed that Chuck looked a lot thinner than when he last saw him.

  “You been working out lately?” said Thomas.

  Chuck shook his head. “The past few days we’ve been living off of pizza crusts we retrieved from the garbage,” said Chuck. “Spatula had stored some slices in the fridge, but some klunkhead stole them all.”

  So that’s why my pants feel so mushy, thought Thomas.

  “Did you remember anything during the Changing?” asked Chuck.

  Thomas considered it for a moment. Did he remember anything? Or had he hooked up with a Heaver for nothing?

  Thomas noticed a notepad lying on the bed with a bunch of writing on it. He flipped through the pages and saw he’d written down detailed descriptions of things he’d seen during the Changing so he wouldn’t forget. Thomas read through some of the notes, then looked up at Chuck with urgency.

  “Chuck, run and tell Alby and Newt we need to call a Cock Convention,” said Thomas. “Now!”

  “Okay,” said Chuck. “But first, are you gonna eat that?”

  It took Thomas a second to realize Chuck was pointing at an ant crawling on the bed.

  “Uh...no, all yours,” said Thomas.

  Chuck devoured the ant like it was a bacon double cheeseburger, and ran out to find Alby and Newt.

  CHAPTER 23

  Thomas stood up in front of the Keepers, who’d all gathered in the living room of the frat house.

  “Hi, everyone,” said Thomas. “Thanks for convening this Cock Convention.”

  “Should we still be calling it that?” said Boxhead, gesturing toward Teresa, who was sitting there in handcuffs. Thomas had made a special request that she be allowed to come.

  “Well technically speaking, we haven’t seen her with her clothes off,” said Spatula. “For all we know, the name ‘Sausage Fest’ might still be entirely appropriate.”

  “Would you klunkheads shut up so we can get to the important stuff?” said Alby. “Thomas, please continue.”

  Thomas nodded. “So as you know, I just went through the Changing,” he said. “And while I was doing so, I remembered some things. A lot of things. When you hear these things, you’re not gonna be happy with me. Which is why I’ve taken the precaution of bringing all the maps of the Maze here, along with a blowtorch.”

  Thomas gestured toward a huge trunk full of sheets of paper, and lit up a blowtorch.
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br />   “If anything happens to me, I will burn these maps immediately,” said Thomas, and he held the blowtorch close to the maps.

  “Thomas, are you klunkin’ crazy?” said Newt.

  “If you burn those maps we’ll never escape!” said Spatula.

  “Yeah,” said Minho, “those maps are really important and valuable and have lots of detailed information on them because the Joggers make new ones every day after running for miles and miles in the Maze and completely exhausting ourselves.”

  “Just nobody make any sudden movements, and no maps will be harmed,” said Thomas.

  “Deal,” said Alby. “Now spill it. What’d you remember?”

  “Well first off,” said Thomas, “in our past life, before the Sausage Fest, we all knew each other.”

  Everyone gasped and looked around at the others.

  “And we weren’t just casual acquaintances. We were all in the same frat.”

  Everyone gasped again.

  “Even Chuck?” said Alby. “No way I was in some loser frat that let in fat kids.”

  “He was the token smart kid we let in to get our average GPA up,” said Thomas.

  The Keepers all nodded, impressed.

  “Now for the bad stuff,” said Thomas. “First up: I am responsible for all of you being here.”

  “What?” the Keepers shouted, and everyone stood up and yelled at Thomas threateningly. Thomas pulled out the blowtorch again and held it close to the trunk of papers.

  “Don’t make me do it!” said Thomas.

  “Whoa everybody, take a klunkin’ seat,” said Alby. Everyone sat back down.

  “So whaddya mean, you’re responsible?” said Newt.

  Thomas sighed. “It’s a long story, but here’s the short version. One day back when we were in college, I was short of cash, so I participated in one of those studies in the Psychology department where they pay you 50 bucks to sit there for an hour and point at things on a computer screen,” said Thomas. “And the student administering the experiment was Teresa.”

  There was another collective gasp. But Thomas noticed that Teresa didn’t gasp. She seemed to be remembering, now, too.

  “As soon as I saw Teresa, I was like, ‘I gotta hook up with this chick,’ so I came back and did a couple more experiments with her, and chatted her up. But I could never get her to come to a frat party because she was always so busy with school.”

  “This is all very romantic, but what the klunk has it got to do with us?” said Buttpan.

  “Hold on, I’m getting there,” said Thomas. “So anyway, I figured the only way I’d be able to hang out with this girl more was if I got more involved with her schoolwork. So I started asking her about it...and that’s when I heard about The Study.”

  “The Study?” said Alby.

  “Teresa’s psychology professor was doing a secret study on the psychology of frat guys. The professor was this former fat girl who had bad memories of hooking up with drunk frat guys who lied to her about actually liking her, and then never called her after. She wanted to conclusively prove that drunk frat guys only hook up with girls because they’re drunk and horny. She thought by doing so, she could benefit future fat girls—and girls more generally—who’d read her study and realize that hooking up with a drunk frat guy was never gonna get them a date.”

  “And how the klunk did this professor think she was gonna actually prove this?” said Newt.

  “By completely isolating a bunch of frat guys in an area where there was no alcohol and no means of escape, and then surrounding the guys with fat girls,” said Thomas.

  The room was completely silent. Thomas could feel what he’d just said sinking in for all the Keepers.

  “So she built this place,” said Minho.

  Thomas nodded.

  “And she’s been watching us the whole time,” said Newt, “and she’s seen that we refused to hook up with the Heavers while sober, even though the fear of hooking up with them while sober was the only thing keeping us trapped here.”

  Thomas nodded again.

  “But hang on, shank-breath, I’m still not getting it,” said Alby. “How did you get involved?”

  “The professor had gotten funding for The Study and had everything else she needed,” said Thomas, “except for one thing: subjects. Without a group of frat guys who’d agree to participate in The Study and sign all the necessary waivers, The Study could never happen. So I figured if I could get subjects for Teresa’s professor’s study, it would guarantee Teresa A-plusses for her entire college career, and she’d surely want to thank me for that...if you know what I mean.”

  Alby stood up. “So you made us all live in The Sausage Fest just so you could hook up with a girl?” he said.

  Thomas nodded sadly. “And the worst thing is,” said Thomas, “thanks to the memory loss caused by The Study, I don’t even remember the hook-up. I knew I should’ve secretly recorded it with my webcam.”

  I remember it, Tom. Two inches.

  “Shhhhhhhh!” Thomas said to Teresa, which confused everyone else because she hadn’t said anything out loud.

  “So Thomas, basically what you’re saying is that you’re the worst person ever,” said Minho.

  “Actually, I’m even worse than you think,” said Thomas. “There’s something else I haven’t told you yet.”

  “Something else?” said Newt.

  “You know how Ben and Alby said I hooked up with their girlfriends?” said Thomas.

  “Dude, that’s really true?” said Alby.

  “Yep,” said Thomas. “But it’s not just Alby and Ben’s girlfriends. I hooked up with all of your girlfriends.”

  There was a giant uproar, and everyone looked like they wanted to beat Thomas to a pulp.

  “I don’t care about the shankin’ maps anymore,” said Newt. “This klunk’s gotta pay!”

  “Hold on!” shouted Thomas above the din. “The reason I was able to hook up with your girlfriends is the same reason I can save you!”

  The room fell silent. “Huh?” said Alby. “Whaddya mean?”

  “During the Changing, I remembered that in high school and college I’d basically devoted my life to learning how to pick up girls,” said Thomas. “I read books, went to seminars, watched DVDs, everything. I got so good I could basically pick up any girl, even a girl with a boyfriend. But all that training also gave me an unparalleled insight into female psychology. That’s why I was able to destroy the Heaver. I knew how its mind worked so well that I knew exactly what to say to it.”

  “So what?” said Boxhead. “You’re never gonna kill all the Heavers. There are too many of them.”

  “Right,” said Thomas. “I can’t kill them all myself. But if I teach you how to kill them, then we can all kill enough to make our way to the Cliff and get the heck out of here.”

  “But we don’t know where the Cliff goes,” said Minho.

  “We know it goes somewhere,” said Thomas. “Would you rather stay here with no pizza, no beer, and no chicks?”

  The Keepers all huddled together and talked among themselves for a minute. Finally, the huddle broke up.

  “Okay, we’re in,” said Alby, “But on one condition: when we get out of here, you teach us absolutely everything you know about women, so we can steal people’s girlfriends, too.”

  “Deal,” Thomas said.

  “Aren’t you forgetting someone?” said Teresa. “With what I know, I could easily get you thrown out of school.”

  Thomas gulped. Getting thrown out of school would mean getting thrown out of the frat, and the frat was going to be the most plentiful source of college girls Thomas would ever have in his life.

  “Fine, what do you want?” said Thomas.

  “Teach me everything you know about women, too,” said Teresa. “So I never fall for a jerk like you again.”

  CHAPTER 24

  Two days later, the Sausage Festers all stood in front of Maze Yogurt Co., staring out at the Cliff.

  Getting t
here hadn’t been easy. A lot of Heavers had been destroyed, and a few Sausage Festers who hadn’t fully grasped Thomas’s theories of female psychology had hooked up with Heavers. But almost everyone had made it.

  Now, finally, it was time to jump off the Cliff, and hopefully leave the Sausage Fest for good.

  “Who wants to go first?” said Thomas cheerfully. He looked around, but no one volunteered.

  “I think you should go first,” said Alby.

  “Agreed,” said Newt. “You brought us here, so you should go first in case anything goes wrong.”

  “Fine,” said Thomas, trying to act casual. “I’m happy to go first. No biggie.”

  Thomas walked to the edge of the Cliff, looked out at the starry sky beyond, and got ready to jump. It wasn’t going to be easy. While he knew the star-filled sky had to be an illusion, it certainly didn’t look like it.

  Thomas felt a hand on his shoulder. “Wait, I’ll go with you.” It was Teresa.

  “That’s nice of you to offer,” said Thomas, “but I really should go first. It’s my fault we’re here.”

  “It’s just as much my fault,” said Teresa. “If I hadn’t told you about The Study, none of this would’ve ever happened.”

  “Less arguing and more jumping!” said Alby. “Let’s get the klunk out of here already!”

  Thomas nodded to Teresa, and took her hand. “On three. One...two...THREE!”

  Thomas and Teresa leapt into the darkness, and everything went black. Thomas felt like he was falling, and a couple seconds later he and Teresa landed with a thump on something metallic, and they started sliding downward as if they were on a playground slide.

  “Whooooo! It worked!” cried Thomas jubilantly. Behind him, he began to hear the other Sausage Festers landing on the slide.

  “Goodbye Thomas,” said Teresa. “Maybe I’ll see you in a few months. Best of luck.”

  “Huh?” said Thomas. “What do you mean, ‘goodbye?’”

  Teresa suddenly sped away from Thomas, sliding off on a branching slide that Thomas hadn’t seen coming. She waved at Thomas as she got farther away and finally disappeared into the darkness.