Tragic Soul

by Jeanisse, Bella

  “How about we go in the pool?” Chad asked as he shaded his eyes from the sun.

  Amy set the bags on a table. “Good idea.” She winked at me. “Skinny-dipping?”

  My face heated up quickly. I glanced at Chad briefly, wanting to see him naked. Then my better judgment took over. “Not a good idea.” I knew I was more vulnerable than ever. If Chad and I fooled around, I didn’t want to regret it.

  “Don’t worry.” She smirked and reached into the plastic bag. “I snatched two bathing suits from your room.” She held them up.

  It was a beautiful day, although hot. “Fine,” I replied, grudgingly.

  We all changed, applied sunscreen and jumped in the pool. I swam back and forth a few times, trying to live in the moment. It felt good to let go of the pain. The reprieve didn’t last. I caught a glimpse of Chad and Amy kiss, and it all came back. I sniffled and turned away from them, not wanting to ruin their moment together. Leaning on the deck that surrounded the pool, I lay my head on my arms.

  After a while, Chad’s hand’s slid over my mostly bare back. “You don’t haveta hide your tears.” He hugged me from behind, one of his hands brushing over my right nipple. “I said I’m here for you. No matter what.”

  I turned and threw my arms around his neck. “I can’t stop thinking of him.”

  He lifted me a bit and wrapped my legs around him. “I know, baby girl.” He buried his face in my hair and held me tightly. “I wanna make it better. I really do.”

  “We both do.” I tensed when Amy hugged me from behind. She leaned her head on mine. “It won’t feel like this forever.”

  Chad kissed my neck, and I felt a tear splash onto my ear. I decided to let my apprehension go. They held me tighter, and I finally felt their compassion. I knew Chad was hurting because I was, but it was so much more. His body shuddered when mine did, and we let out a sob together.

  His arms tightened around me. “I love you, baby,” he mumbled into my ear.

  Chapter 23

  We stayed in the pool long after Chad and I had ourselves back together. Then we laid out in the shade. They didn’t make me feel like a third wheel again. We were just three friends hanging out.

  “Crystal!” Valerie, Chad’s mom, sounded excited as she stepped onto the deck. “Good to see you.”

  I smiled, knowing she and my mother had talked about my depression. “Hi, Ma.”

  “You look great.” She leaned over me and kissed my forehead. “I hope you don’t mind. We’re having your parents over tonight for a barbecue.” That was typical in the summer.

  Chad sat up. “Need help?”

  “No. No,” His mother told him. “Stay with Crystal.” She laid a hand on my face and smiled. “You want a drink? Lemonade, maybe?”

  I nodded. “Sure. Thanks.” My voice was not strong. I felt better than I did before Chad found me, but I was not myself. “I’m fine.”

  Chad put his hand over mine. “You don’t haveta pretend. We know this ain’t easy.” He tipped his chair to get closer to me and kissed my cheek. “Give it time.”

  Squeezing his hand, I nodded again. What else could I do? I didn’t let go of him as I settled back onto the lounge chair again. His fingers entwined in mine were reassuring. Amy was on my other side and didn’t give off even a hint of jealousy. That helped as well.

  “Crystal, your mom’s here.” Valerie came back outside and handed me a glass of pink lemonade.

  With a smile, I said, “Thanks. Tell her I’m OK.”

  “Wow.” My mother’s voice came from just inside the back door. “You got her out of the house?” She came to me quickly and kissed my forehead. “I knew Chad could do it. She moved to him and kissed his forehead as well. “Thank you, honey.” She smiled at him. “Always taking care of my girl.”

  Chad blushed slightly. “I try.” He bit his lip.

  I stared at his trunks as his hips shifted. He was staring at my mom, obviously trying not to look my way. When she turned away, I had the urge to tease him, but I worried my mother would hear. It was then I realized that I was feeling more normal.

  Luke, Chad’s father, came outside. “Chad, can you help Will with the ice in the trunk? Then grab the burgers and cheese.”

  “Sure, Dad.” Chad swung his legs my way and kissed my hand. “I’ll be back.”

  Amy reached over and rubbed my arm. “You all right?”

  “Yeah.” I closed my eyes and listened to everyone move around us for a while. Then my bladder announced it was still functioning. “I’ll be back.”

  Grabbing my hand, Amy looked alarmed. “Where’re you going?”

  “Bathroom.” I smiled. “I feel better. Really.”

  The downstairs bathroom was occupied, so I went upstairs. It was oddly quiet. With only Will still living at home, it made sense, though. I peeked into Chad’s room. He only kept some clothes and things he didn’t need there. Then I used the bathroom.

  When I was done, I looked in the mirror. There were bags under my eyes, and my skin was pale. I had to do something. Otherwise, I wouldn’t recognize myself. I stepped into the hallway and crashed into someone. With my eyes downcast, I had not seen him.

  Grabbing his arm to keep from falling, I said, “So sorry,” and looked up.

  “I hear you’re a free agent again.” Will backed me into the bathroom. “No one’ll hear us.”

  Panic set in quickly. “Let me go.”

  His eyebrows rose, as he looked me over. “Love this bikini.” Then he pressed me to a wall. “I gotta see what’s under it.”

  “You been drinking?” I struggled to get free, but he held my wrists to the wall.

  He brushed his lips over mine. “Yeah. What of it?” His hips pressed into me, and he ground his erection against my hip. “Just wait.” His lips moved to my ear. “Gonna fuck you till you can’t walk.” He nudged my top over a bit with his chin. “Need to see those titties.”

  “Chad!” I screamed, confused.

  He let one of my hands go and tugged on the side of my bikini bottom slightly. “Let me check you out, babe.”

  Seconds later a fist came flying in, and then Will was on the floor. Chad bellowed, “Fuckin’ asshole!” Chad was on top of Will and about to hit him again when Valerie walked in.

  “What the hell, guys?” She stood with her hands on her hips.

  I pointed at Will. “Will… Uh, Will… came onto me again.” I checked my bikini, and everything was in place.

  “Why can’t you leave her alone?” Valerie was annoyed. “Chad, get off him.”

  Chad still had Will pinned down. “He was all over her, Mom.”

  She glared at Will, shaking a finger at him. “If you ever lay an unwanted hand on her, so help me God!” She turned to me. “Are you OK? You look a bit shaken up.”

  I bit my trembling lip. “Guess so. He didn’t hurt me.”

  “Ow!” Will cried out as a thud was heard.

  Chad growled. “Hands to yourself. Hear that?”

  “Yeah,” Will replied. “Ow! Fuck! Stop slamming my head into the floor.”

  Valerie sighed. “Enough, Chad.”

  He got to his feet. “Fine. The dick deserved it.” He grabbed me and held me tightly. “Did he scare you? You a’right?” His lips pressed to my forehead. “Son of a bitch.”

  My eyes met his. “I’m—I’m OK.” I was scared, but maybe it was for nothing. “He’s just drunk.”

  “I’m sorry,” Will said from the floor. “I was tryin’ to get you into it. I thought you’d give in.”

  Valerie had her arms crossed over her chest. “What the hell is wrong with you, Will? I don’t want to look at you for the rest of the night.” She exhaled loudly. “Crystal, are you sure you’re OK?”

  I nodded. “Yeah.”

  “Good.” She stared at Will. “I’m going downstairs. I better not hear her scream again.”

  Chad lunged for Will as soon as his mother was gone. “You better run!”

  I tugged Chad back to me. “Leave him.
He didn’t get what he wanted.” I sighed. “Not sure if he really would’ve just fucked me. He was playing with my clothes, not really undressing me.”

  “I saw him,” Chad insisted. “I was on my way up when you screamed. He was pulling your bottoms down, and you looked terrified.”

  “He could’ve just untied them,” I reminded him. “But he didn’t. I think he was really hoping I’d agree.”

  Then Amy called to us, “Both your phones went off.” She entered the bathroom. “Something happen?”

  “Yeah, my idiot brother,” Chad growled. “Who called?”

  Amy shrugged. “I didn’t look. Not my phone.”

  “Thanks.” Chad took his phone from her. Then she handed me mine.

  I swiped the screen and found it had been Paulie for the fifth time that day. Still unable to tell him the truth, I put my phone on the sink. Maybe tomorrow, I told myself.

  Chad’s phone rang again. “It’s him again.” He answered, “Hey, man.”

  Paulie yelled loud enough for me to hear, “Don't fuckin’ tell me she's in the fuckin’ bathroom again. I’m gonna drop everything and fly the fuck home if you don’t put her the fuck on the phone.”

  With a half-smile, Chad looked around the bathroom. “Uh, OK. I won’t tell you that.” He covered the speaker with his hand. “You’re talking to him now. Ignoring the problem doesn't make it go away.”

  I looked up him. “Not yet. Please.” I stepped back, but he grabbed me and put the phone against my head.

  “Talk,” Chad demanded. “She has the phone to her ear, Paulie,” he said loudly.

  Paulie sighed. “So, this is it? It's over? You couldn’t just tell me. You’d rather ignore me? Make me think the worst? Get me worried sick about you? How fuckin’ fair is that?”

  I didn’t know what to say as I took the phone in my hand. “Uh, it’s not.” My voice was soft, tone unsure.

  “How could you do this to us?” Him crying was unexpected.

  I fought to control my emotions. “You needed me to. I was holding you back.”

  “That was my decision to make,” he insisted. “You had no right to make it for me. Don’t fuckin’ do this. Please. I love you so much. Don’t leave me, honey. Please.”

  My tears fell despite my efforts. “You need to be free. So you can do this. I’m an obstacle, a distraction. You need to be able to focus on Reckless, not me back home.”

  “I been nothing but distracted because you don’t answer my fuckin’ calls.” He sounded devastated. “I can handle a long distance relationship. I can be faithful. I wanna try. Please.”

  With my eyes closed, I blurted out, “But I don’t.” It killed me to admit it. “Not seeing you for months? I can’t do that. I’m sorry, but I don’t wanna dream about you in bed with groupies every night.”

  “Oh, my fuckin’ God!” Paulie shouted. “You still don’t trust me. Stop making me pay for Keith’s fuckin’ mistakes!”

  I shook my head. “I can’t help what my brain makes me dream of. Anyway, after a few months, we’ll be living separate lives. Why would you wanna bother coming back to this place? LA must be great. Beaches and hot girls all over.”

  “The only girl I want is telling me to fuck off.” He definitely understood I wouldn’t change my mind. “I love you. Anything I can do to change your mind? How about if I drop this shit and come home?”

  I thought quickly. “I won’t be around if you do.” No way could I let him break that contract. “I don’t wanna be with you anymore. Don’t you get it? I—I don’t—love you anymore.” I held in the sob trying to burst from me. Lying to him felt so much worse than it had before. “Just go live your rock star life.”

  “Fine.” Paulie’s voice cracked. “I won’t bother you again.”

  The silence after that hit me hard. I reached out to Chad just as I collapsed. He caught me, and his phone, just before my ass hit the floor. I held fistfuls of his hair as he settled me onto his lap, holding me close. While I bawled into his chest, I could think of nothing but breaking Paulie’s heart.

  “I’m proud of you,” Chad whispered softly while running his fingers through my hair. “That couldn’t’ve been easy.”

  I shuddered and tried to catch my breath. However, I couldn’t talk yet. A dainty hand on my back told me Amy was still there. She had been so supportive along with Chad. I was glad I had someone else to lean on at times. My mind was spinning, so I needed them.

  “Something happen?” My mom’s voice made me jump.

  Chad pulled me closer. “It’s OK. It’s your ma.” He moved slightly and told her, “She finally talked to him. It wasn’t easy.”

  “I bet it wasn’t.” My mom’s voice was closer. Then she put a hand on my shoulder. “I’m here for you too, honey. Anytime you need to talk. I know you love him. He’ll be fine.”

  How she knew I was worried about him, was beyond me. I nodded slightly but couldn’t lift my head yet. Although I was sick of crying, I couldn’t help it. I took in a shaky breath, trying to get control again.

  “Don’t push it, baby,” Chad said softly in my ear. “Hold me as long as you need.”

  His breath on my neck started to soothe me. My body sagged against him as I calmed. I had been grieving for weeks already. The final nail was in, and there was no taking back my cruel, but necessary words. If I were him, I wouldn’t speak to me ever again.

  I sniffled, running out of tears finally. Someone wiped my nose and brushed my cheeks. Lips pressed to my temple. I didn’t care who was making it better. More arms were suddenly around me. I felt so loved and supported. At least I knew I did the right thing, no matter how bad it hurt.

  Chapter 24

  “Just to get your mind off things,” Chad said as he led me upstairs at his place two weeks later on a Saturday night.

  I had thought we were going out. Amy mentioned earlier that she wanted to cheer me up. When Chad picked me up from work, I was surprised he was alone. We had spent much of our free time the past two weeks together, although I worked many hours that week.

  Surprisingly, Paulie had kept his promise and stopped contacting me. It made things easier, but I still wondered how he was doing or what he was doing. I did know that Chad sold his car for him. My love for Paulie had not faded, but I accepted that it was over. Memories assaulted me from time to time, and I still cried over them. The episodes slowly happened less frequently, though.

  “This is better than going out.” Chad grabbed the doorknob to his room. “No DD needed.”

  Frowning, I looked up at him. “So we’re gonna drink my troubles away?” I knew I shouldn’t drink alone with Chad, especially since I was still emotional. “Not a good idea.”

  “It was Amy’s idea,” Chad admitted. “She thinks you just need to relax.” He licked his lips and seemed to ogle my skimpy outfit. “We have a good plan, I think.”

  With a shrug, I replied, “Hope it works.”

  “It will.” He opened the door.

  Amy sat on the queen-sized bed, but she stood and smiled. “Hey, glad you came.” She winked.

  My eyes darted around. They were acting a bit weird. I hoped they hadn’t invited someone like a blind date. It was way too soon for me to date. No one else was in sight, though.

  I set my purse on Chad’s desk and searched the room again with my eyes. There was a folding table with glasses, an amber liquid and ice in a bowl. Amy’s overnight bag was next to the bed. That meant Chad would take me home after. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be alone. The living room had a nice couch, though. I could sleep there or on an airbed.

  “So, how about we play a game?” Amy asked. “Maybe a drink first.” She smiled widely as she poured whiskey into three glasses. “I know I could use one after this stressful week.”

  Chad nodded. “Yeah, me too.” He had had multiple websites to work on that week. It kept him busy and kept money in his pocket. He took one glass and handed another to me. “To new beginnings.” His grin was infectious.

  I sm
iled at him and took a sip of the strong liquor. “Ugh!” I hadn’t tasted whiskey before.

  “No, baby.” Chad laughed. “Drink it fast.”

  My eyes closed, and I did as I was told. It burned my throat. I gasped and coughed, leaning over and holding my knees. “Shit. That hurt.”

  “Next one’ll be easier,” Chad promised. He waved at his bed. “Take off your shoes and sit.”

  I liked that idea. Sitting cross-legged on the mattress, I watched Amy and Chad both finish a second drink. “What game do you wanna play?”

  Amy’s mouth turned up slightly as if she was up to something. “Truth or Dare.”

  I laughed. “You’re kidding?” We hadn’t played that in years. I had always found it fun, though. “I’m down for it.” I gripped the bedspread when my head started to feel weird. “Are you making it a drinking game?”

  “No.” Chad came towards me with another glass of whiskey. “Don’t want you puking all night.” He knew I wasn’t a drinker.

  I threw back the second shot fast, not feeling it go down as hard. “OK. That stuff isn’t so bad.” It took a few minutes for me to feel the numbing effects. “One more?”

  Chad shrugged. “OK.”

  After I had downed the third drink, Amy joined me on the bed. She and Chad had taken several shots each as I sat alone. Chad pulled out his camera and started snapping away. Amy moved closer to me. Then she leaned over me and kissed my cheek. Her hands moved a few times as Chad continued to take pictures. Once, she grabbed my breast and laughed. The alcohol allowed me to just go with it. We hadn’t actually started to play the game by the time we were all drunk.

  Chad set his camera on a nightstand and sat with us. “I thought we were gonna play a game.” He leered at me, then Amy. “I can think of other things we could do.”

  “Not yet,” Amy insisted.

  I leaned on the headboard and wondered why the bed felt like a boat. I had never been really lit up before. It wasn’t my first drink, by far, but I never drank so much. I laughed, unsure why. However, I was happy. Why question it? I heard Chad and Amy talk for a while, but I wasn’t paying attention.