I slipped my phone out of my pocket and sent a quick text to Jude: At the shop now, ready to work.
How’s your back?
That massage did wonders.
Told you so, mate. See you soon.
“Send Jude back when he comes in?” I said to Jessie. She knew something was up between us, probably everybody did, but she hadn’t said anything. They knew how discreet I was about whom I slept around with. I never was one to kiss and tell, so why would I start now?
Jessie raised her eyebrows and stared hard.
“Just say what you need to say.”
I’d told Jessie a bit more about my relationship with Damon the same day I’d scheduled my massage. It felt right to finally start sharing more with my friends.
“I approve, as long as Jude’s not going to hide you away.”
“What do you mean?”
“Meaning, he should be proud to be with you in public.”
“When it comes to Jude,” I said, choosing my words carefully, “all I’ll say is this—it’s not about being proud, it’s about being brave.”
She nodded in sympathy. When she and Nate had first gotten together, she’d used similar words when I questioned his intentions. And now I knew that Nate had been through some horrible shit with his own abusive father. So that was the only way I knew how to make her understand.
Jude silently entered the room and made quick work of removing his shirt. I hadn’t seen him in a couple of days, and the air was so damned thick between us, it was like walking through a sauna. I wanted to pull him into my arms, but I also needed to remain professional in my place of employment like I’d always been.
Still, it was one of the only times we could be behind closed doors, so when Jude gazed at me with such blazing affection, I couldn’t help but reach for his hand and pull it between my own.
“I know we have work to do,” I said, “but I’ve missed you, and I really need…”
Without further discussion, he angled his mouth against mine, his fingers grasping my neck to tighten our connection. I groaned into a searing kiss that stole my breath away.
We stood in the middle of the floor for some quiet minutes just kissing and breathing the same air and staring into each other’s eyes. I knew I was in love with Jude York, but that was a thought I’d keep to myself for now. Besides, he’d have to be blind not to see it written all over my face.
He reached up and dragged his fingers across the scruff on my chin, then slid them into my hair. I had purposely left my cap at home today.
When his lips brushed against mine, I sighed into his mouth and deepened the kiss, giving him everything I had. My tongue surveyed each corner of his mouth—taking, tasting, memorizing.
“Thank you,” he whispered, and my heart stuttered in my chest at the intense set to his jawline. Jude continued to be a man of carefully chosen words, so I cherished any he freely gave away.
My fingers stroked his neck. “What for?”
“For taking a chance. For not being too afraid.” He shut his eyes as if in pain. “I didn’t think I could have someone like you.”
I traced his eyelids and cheekbones with my thumbs, keeping my mouth closed so he could get his thoughts out.
“I don’t know what’s going to happen or for how long I’ll be allowed to have this, but I’ll treasure it every day,” he said into my neck, his accent deliciously pronounced. “And every time I see your smile.”
I pulled him firmly against me so that our chests were connected, and I could feel his heart beating rapidly against mine. “Thank you.”
“You don’t have to—”
“Don’t do that,” I said. “Don’t think you’re not worthy of thanks. You’ve helped me slow down and listen to the silence. And at first, I thought it was too fucking painful, but now I see it’s beautiful. Just like you’re beautiful.”
He tenderly brushed his mouth against mine.
“Don’t change on me too much, Cory,” he said, shaking his head. “I was attracted to the man who couldn’t keep his trap shut.”
My cheeks felt on fire, and I smiled. “That wasn’t the real me.”
He sat down on the table, and I pulled my tray of supplies forward.
“It was the way you coped, and there’s nothing wrong with that.”
“And how do you cope?” I asked, reaching for my latex gloves. “By being silent and always running?”
He shook his head. “I never imagined…that this would be…” He pulled back, anguish in his eyes. “The night of my eighteenth birthday, my mother knew,” he said. “We’d been living with Elias for three years by then.”
“What did she know?” I asked, giving him my full attention.
“That I was of legal age and the stakes would be higher. I could land in jail, or worse.” His breaths became choppy, his eyes unfocused. “She’d saved some money from the sale of our cottage and urged me to run and hide. To keep my head down and my words to a minimum since I was hopeless at imitating an American accent.”
And then it struck me loud as thunder dead center in my chest. His mother had sacrificed her life for him. She knew if she helped him escape, it would get ugly for her. The idea of it was so terrible, I couldn’t even say it aloud.
“Jude—”
“My mum was special. So brave and beautiful. My best friend.” He shook his head as if banishing any horrible thoughts. “She regretted marrying Elias and moving us to the States. She told me she was sorry every single day.”
It was as if he was staring straight through me, completely lost in the past, in his memories, during that vividly awful time in his life.
“But he was like a nightmare she couldn’t run from. He would’ve hunted her down, that’s how obsessed he was with her,” he said through gritted teeth. “He called her mi cielo. Every time he’d utter those words, I’d feel ill.”
I reached my fingers out to comfort him. “What does that mean?”
A shudder stole across his shoulders. “It means my heaven.”
I felt bile in my throat. The way Jude said the words made my skin crawl.
“I thought…if I got the authorities involved, I could save her. But by the time Alex could’ve intervened, she’d been…” He took a quick breath, unable to say the word. “It was like I already knew, had felt it in my bones.”
He squeezed his eyes closed, and his fingers clutched the back of his neck. So that was how Alex got assigned to his case. “Leaving my mum was the hardest moment of my life.”
I pulled him into my arms and held him for several long minutes. If I’d done my math right, that was six years ago. Six years of living with this pain. He was twenty-four years old and had already had one hell of a life.
I could feel the warm air on my nape as he released choppy breaths.
“If I have to walk away from you too…” His voice cracked.
“No matter what,” I said, cutting him off because I couldn’t bear to hear him say the words, “you’ll always own my heart.”
His lips smashed against mine as his fingers gripped my hair. “Fucking hell, do I want to take you somewhere and have you all to myself.”
“I want that too.” I slanted my forehead against his, breathing heavily.
“I can still smell you on my pillow,” Jude confessed, a rosy color stealing over his cheeks. “I’ve been reluctant to wash it.”
My eyes met his, and there was so much affection there, along with a flare of longing.
“We’ll just have to figure out how to make our own memories. Hopefully soon.”
We were quiet for a while longer, and my pulse picked up speed because of the surprise I had for Jude. I’d thought of it in my drawing class and used a fresh sheet of paper to sketch it out. If he agreed, I’d have to do it freehand, and I hoped to hell he liked it.
“You trust me, right?” I bit my lip.
His eyebrows shot up. “Why?”
I moved to the table and reached for my sketchpad. My heart was thumping as I flipped the
page toward him. “This is the section I’m finishing up today.”
He nodded, staring intently at the drawing.
“See these branches in the center near the leaves?” I asked and took a deep breath. “I inked some hidden letters that will only be meaningful to you.”
His eyes rapidly scanned the page. “What do you mean? I can’t see anything.”
My finger traced over the initials embedded in the twist of branches. “M, J, Q, and another J—for Michelle, Judith, Queenie, and Jack.”
His breath caught in his throat as he stared hard at the letters that represented his childhood.
“It’s okay,” I said, suddenly wondering what in the hell I was thinking. “You don’t have to agree—”
“Yes. God, yes.” His fingers reached up to slide across my chin. “I want you to do it.”
“I figured it was a way for them to always be with you,” I whispered.
He tugged my face toward him for a thorough kiss. “Do it. Please.”
I nodded, and he lay down on the table, gratitude and wonder alight in his eyes.
As usual, he tilted his head to the side and watched me work. Though it was unnerving at the onset of our relationship, now it felt comforting. I had no idea what our future held, but I felt cherished.
“Tell me a memory about this tree.”
“It was a great big oak at the back of our cottage. There were loads on our property, but this one was our favorite.”
I continued working as I listened.
“Judith was always wheezing and coughing, so on her good days, it felt nice to be outside with her.”
I didn’t know all the ins and outs of his sister’s disease, but I did hear somewhere that the mortality rate was high.
“She couldn’t climb the tree because she was small and weak, so she always dared me to do it. And the higher I got, the more amazing she’d find it.”
I looked up and smirked at him, knowing the direction this was heading. “So it became a challenge to get higher?”
“Exactly.”
“Were you scared?”
“Bloody hell, no. It was exhilarating.”
I arched my eyebrow. “Figured so, Mr. Daredevil.”
“I felt on top of the world, like I was in control of my own destiny,” he said, then bit his lip. “Sounds a bit melodramatic, doesn’t it?”
“Nah. I get it. Especially when your life spins out of balance and everything goes to shit. Holding on to some measure of control feels…grounding.”
“Exactly,” he said, a smile tipping his lips. “I liked our tree best in late autumn when all the leaves had fallen off; only a couple of stragglers stayed clinging to the branches. I could see the entire village from up high. Felt like I had a bird’s-eye view of the world.”
“Is that why this tree on your back hardly has any leaves?”
He nodded. “It feels a bit like a new beginning. Sweeping away the old, getting ready for something new.”
“Makes it sound like you have hope, Jude,” I said, cautious with my observation. “I wouldn’t have been clear about that a few weeks ago.”
“Hope can feel dangerous sometimes,” he said, gazing into my eyes. “Like an empty wish. Do you understand?”
“I do,” I whispered. “But I happen to have enough hope to go around for both of us.”
His eyes softened, and just as his mouth tilted into an exquisite grin, there was a rumble of thunder, which in the enclosed room sounded like a tiny earthquake. I adjusted my fingers on his skin.
“Storm coming,” I said, my chest compressing irrationally, like it always did.
Jude’s gaze slid up to meet mine. “Tell me about that.”
“About…?”
“You know what I’m asking.”
“Not sure it makes much sense.” I shrugged. “Rain seems to factor into my most dismal days. My mom’s death, my grandfather’s funeral, and the night Damon drove off from that party.”
Jude said nothing, as if willing me to continue.
“I followed him in the rain. He was so pissed at me. Plus, he’d been drinking.”
“Had you been arguing about something?”
“About him being in the closet,” I said, feeling the same kind of shame build and set in my shoulders. “He was flirting with a woman at the party as I stood by and watched.”
“Fuck, I’m sorry, Cory.” Then his eyes widened as if he’d had a revelation of his own. “You know if I could, I would—”
“No, don’t,” I cut him off. “I know this is different. You’re not purposefully trying to hide me. To hide us.”
“I’d be proud to kiss you in public. And maybe someday I will.”
I shut my eyes, wondering for a moment what that would feel like.
“Cory,” Jude whispered, his fingers slipping across my stubble. “How’s that for a bit of hope?”
I opened my lids and held his gaze, my lips curling into a small smile. Then I took a deep breath and got back to work.
“I’ll be bringing Patch home in a couple of days,” I said after another beat of silence.
“Bet Emmy’s relieved.”
“She is, and if she doesn’t stop thanking me, I’ll have to tape her mouth closed,” I said, and he smiled. “You okay with me dropping Chopper off tomorrow afternoon?”
“Perfect.”
“I’ll bring all his supplies…” I winced. “I’m beginning to feel guilty.”
“You’ll still see him whenever you want. Maybe we can walk them to the dog park too.”
I liked that he was making plans, that he was attempting to stick to a normal life and routine.
Wariness filled his gaze. “Are we still going to meet at the competition next week?”
“For sure,” I said, and he seemed relieved. We’d made small plans in places we could spend time together. It was better than nothing.
After another stretch of quiet, where I could hear the dull thud of rain battering the rooftop, I pulled the needle away from Jude’s skin and shut off the machine.
“All done.” I reached for the hand mirror. “Let me show you.”
When he sat up, I positioned the mirror behind him. I pointed to the section where I’d worked in the letters. “What do you think?”
“Your work is incredible,” he said, shutting his eyes and visibly trembling. “It’s as if you took something dreadful and turned it into something…something…”
He didn’t say anything for a long while, and shit, I thought maybe I’d done the wrong thing. That the memories would be too overwhelming for him. Hand covering my mouth, I waited, unsure what to do, if he even wanted me to touch him right then.
“Fuck,” I finally said, reaching for his shoulder. “I didn’t mean to upset you. Maybe I shouldn’t have…”
But when he opened his eyes, they were watery, the corners creased with happiness. His fingers gripped my neck, and his thumb swiped against my throat.
“It’s brilliant,” he said, gulping in air. “The loveliest thing anybody’s ever done for me.”
28
I borrowed Gram’s car to drop off Chopper, along with his dog bed, food bowl, and favorite chew toys. There was a large pit in my stomach because it felt like I was abandoning him. But even Gram assured me that I was simply giving him to another good home. That Patch might be a better match for me and Ace anyway.
I pulled into the driveway, then hopped out of the car with Chopper, who seemed to remember Jude’s place and tugged me straight to the door. I had a feeling he wouldn’t give two shits about me after today.
Jude stepped out on the landing to greet Chopper with a stunning smile on his cheeks. He was taking a small piece of his life back, and right then, he was so self-possessed and beautiful.
“You sure about this?” I asked, standing in front of him with my hands shoved deep in my pockets.
“I’m sure.” He opened the side gate to allow Chopper on the small strip of grass in the backyard. He immediately pissed
on the first flowerbed he saw, marking his territory. “I haven’t had anything permanent in a long time.”
“And Chopper is permanent?” I watched the damned dog sniff and mark along the entire fence line of the property.
“You don’t agree to care for somebody and then throw them away the next day.” He smiled at Chopper, apparently happy that he was making himself at home. “Not on purpose anyway.”
My knees wobbled as my heart battered around my chest. He stared hard into my eyes, and I got that he was saying many things at once. That he was not only giving us a chance, but giving his new life a chance as well.
“And what if you have the impulse to run away?” It was a fear I wasn’t sure I should’ve voiced out loud, but there it was in all its glory.
“It wouldn’t be an impulse.” He steadied his gaze on me, unflustered by my twenty questions over a dog. “Maybe an instinct. And it’d only likely happen if there was real danger.”
“What would happen to…to…Chopper?”
He raised his eyebrow, knowing full well I wasn’t only asking about Chopper. “I’d find a way to protect and look after him.”
I kicked at a stone on the ground, unable to meet his gaze. “Would you come back…if you thought the threat was gone?”
“Always.” He reached for my hand, but then looked to the street and let it fall away. “Come inside, please.”
I followed him through the door, telling myself it was only to get Chopper acclimated. But Chopper seemed right at home as he bound to the kitchen and lapped at the water in the dish Jude had set down.
“I can’t stay long,” I said, feeling almost shy, like it was my first time at his place. “I have a shift at Raw Ink.”
He nodded. “I just finished my morning at the Board Room, but I’ll be heading to the skate park.”
“What was that trick I saw you practicing the other day?” I asked, watching Chopper sniff around the room.
“Hmmm…either the Darkslide or the 180 Pop Shuvit?” He shrugged, as if his talent was no big thing. “The one I’m chuffed to bits about is the upside-down 360 loop. But I’d need a pipe for that. They’ll have one at the arena for the upcoming games.”
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