The Pandemic Diaries [Books 1-3]

by Callahan, K. W.

Besides saving my life, Edna gave Erika the chance she need. The shotgun blast distracted the guy with the knife enough so that Erika could bite his hand. And it wasn’t just a bite…she laid into him like a dog going after a meaty spare rib. The guy screamed in pain as he dropped the knife. Erika seized the opportunity to spin around and knee him hard, right in the nuts. It was a maneuver she conducted with such skill and precision that it left me wondering how many times she had successfully accomplished it in the past.

  Anyway, the guy keeled over and dropped to the floor like a sack of potatoes. Then Erika began kicking him. She took several good whacks at his stomach until he balled up to protect himself. Then she went after his head. She combined a brutal barrage of kicks and stomps with the heel of her boot until the man was eventually rendered unconscious. She conducted the assault so vehemently that I had to look away. Finally, when I could take no more of listening to her destroy the man on the floor, I pulled her away. His face was a bloody pulp, but he was still breathing.

  * Note to self: Don’t ever get in a fight with Erika or ANY woman from Spencer for that matter. They’re apparently hellacious fighters and carry double-barrel shotguns.

  During the time we were dealing with the men who had broken into Edna’s building, the rest of the town had managed to repulse the other invaders. After the intruders retreated, and we’d had time to take a tally, we found that three of our people had been killed in the fight and four injured.

  I think that ALL of us had in some way been traumatized by the events of the day. We know we killed at least five of the invaders (since we recovered their bodies), wounded more (although I’m not sure exactly how many), and took two prisoners (one of whom was Erika’s stomping victim). Now we’re all just praying that these people don’t come back. We can’t take another attack like that. I guess I shouldn’t say we “CAN’T”, we just pray we don’t have to.

  Gerald, Chase, and several others are currently interrogating the prisoners we took. I hate to think what they are doing to get the information they want…although I guess our town leaders’ presence is a godsend to that one guy compared to Erika. He’s probably just thankful he hasn’t been locked inside the room with HER!

  Thankfully, the kids were out of sight during all that happened so they weren’t as affected by the event. Now I’m just trying to calm my nerves. I keep having flashbacks to Chicago now that the shooting has stopped. I thought we’d left all that behind…but apparently not.

  I’m finding it difficult to grasp that I’ve killed another human being. I certainly didn’t WANT to, but I’m trying to justify it in my mind. It was either him or me, and if it was me, it would also have been the kids. That line of reasoning helps, but it still doesn’t help enough. I went back through Chris’ journal entries and found the ones he wrote about having taken a life when he was defending our home. It seems he had just as much trouble with it as I’m having. It makes me feel better in some ways, knowing that I’m not alone with the emotions I’m having, but it doesn’t help the guilt I’m feeling. I have no idea who the man was, what his true intentions were, whether he had a family, or if I could have handled the situation better. Maybe if I had tried to talk to him…but no, the one guy had a knife to Erika’s neck and all the men were armed. These were NOT good people. And were it not for Edna, the other guy would have shot me for sure. No, I made the right move. Still, it’s going to be one of those things that I replay over and over again in my mind no matter how I justify it or reason it out. Like Chris said, it’s not like in the movies or on television shows. You see people get shot or killed all the time on film and those people doing the shooting or killing just move on with their lives, but that’s not the case in real life, at least not for me. I will never look at life the same way now. I can never go back, never take back what I did. I’m a killer now, plain and simple…a killer of another human being.

  Tuesday, October 15 th

  12:34 p.m.

  I slept terribly last night. I kept replaying the events of the day over and over again. I just can’t get the image of me shooting that man out of my mind. And once I do, then I flip over to Edna blasting the one guy through the window with her shotgun or Erika stomping the other guy.

  This morning, I asked Gerald for some rounds for Chris’ .38. He didn’t hesitate in getting me a box. I think I earned his respect yesterday if I didn’t have it already. He saw the usefulness of my recommendation for a rooftop sentry at the courthouse, and he saw that I can take care of myself and handle a weapon.

  While I was talking to him, he said that after work today, we were going to have a trial for the two captured men who are currently being held at the courthouse. He wanted me as to testify to what happened with the one that Erika, Edna and I had captured. He said it shouldn’t take long. I have a feeling this is going to be like the old west. Justice is going to be swift and severe. I don’t really want to have to rehash yesterday’s events, but I feel obligated to – if not for me, at least for Erika since she was the one who had the knife held to her throat. So I told Gerald that I’d agree to testify.

  The town is on edge today. Who can blame them after what happened? Our scavenging is only taking place at a half-hearted pace. We are constantly looking over our shoulders and checking in with those back at the square to make sure everything remains status quo. Gerald ended up using one of our three teams as replacements for the dead and injured security forces. Chase said they had debated using all three teams as security for the next couple days, but decided against it, feeling it best to keep pushing ahead with our scavenging efforts since winter will soon be upon us. We need as many supplies stockpiled as possible. It’s surprising how much we go through with all these mouths to feed, although after yesterday, the number of those mouths has unfortunately been reduced.

  It’s so sad. We’re getting to know everyone, and now when we lose someone it’s not just a loss in manpower, it feels more like a loss to our family.

  Chase took a few minutes with Dylan this morning to show him how to handle a couple different types of guns. I don’t particularly like it, but I guess it’s probably a good idea. He’s going to have to learn at some point, so why not let someone who is knowledgeable about these types of weapons teach him?

  I can’t believe I just wrote that. The mother inside me from a month ago cringes at the thought of my eight-year-old boy learning how to fire a weapon. But I guess that mother from another time and another place is quickly dying. She is now being replaced by a stronger, harder, more realistic one.

  8:01 p.m.

  Erika brought Travis over for a play date with Dylan and Violet tonight. It was actually kind of nice. She brought a bottle of wine with her – a sort of peace offering, I guess. The kids mostly just played board games and built with blocks while Erika and I talked (something we really haven’t done since I arrived). It was surprisingly cordial, and dare I say, even a little nice?

  We mostly talked about today’s trial of the captured invaders since we both testified at it. It was a somber affair. I think that everyone – including the defendants – were well aware of what the outcome would be even before the proceedings began. Gerald served as judge and jury.

  According to the two prisoners, their group had traveled from Indianapolis both to escape the danger of other groups there as well as to search for supplies. They said they were just looking to re-supply in Spencer. Of course they said that our security forces fired on them first as they approached the bridge, which I doubt. But that was their defense. All this didn’t help explain why they felt it necessary to raid our square like pillaging pirates after the fact, which they really didn’t have a good explanation for. They clammed up when asked about the number of people in their group or whether there were intentions of returning. Nor would they say whether their group was moving on or where they were currently holding up.

  The whole trial seemed like a pretty big waste of time. I think it was more about making the optics of the situation look good and placati
ng the residents regarding the final verdict – death by firing squad. A trial gives the punishment some legitimacy…a little touch of our old world laws, rules, and humanity.

  The defendants didn’t say much when the verdict was read. I think they had already resigned themselves to the fact that they were going to die.

  Dinner tonight was a pretty somber affair. Most people just ate quietly and left once they were finished. There was very little socializing. The solitude in which most of us ate was in stark contrast to the jovial demeanors we had exhibited over the weekend.

  How quickly things can change in this new world of ours.

  Wednesday, October 16 th

  9:23 p.m.

  Sorry, I know it’s kind of late for my first entry of the day. I just didn’t feel like writing earlier. Sometimes it’s hard to express what I’m feeling when writing in this journal. Putting it all down on paper often seems like just too much emotional effort. While it can be a nice way to relieve my troubled mind – a confessional of sorts – it can also be extremely depressing sometimes.

  Nothing much happened today…which I guess is a good thing. Our scavenge team is still working on Washington Street. I found the work we’re doing kind of fun at first (except for finding the bodies of dead residents of course), but now it’s becoming somewhat tedious. I know that it’s necessary to sustain the town with a steady stream of supplies, but it’s starting to wear on me. It’s not the work so much as the job sites. It’s just so damn sad having to pilfer through people’s homes – DEAD people’s homes. We do it over and over again each day, sorting through the remnants of their former lives, knowing that these people all had hopes, dreams, and loved ones, and that now all of that is gone.

  As a nice distraction, a movie was shown at the Tivoli after dinner. It was some Alvin and the Chipmunks flick that I’d never heard of. I really didn’t care. It was more for the kids and the opportunity to get my mind off things. Not as many people come to this showing as the previous one. I just don’t think they’re in the mood after the attack. Chase showed up…without Erika. Again, he sat next to me. I found him a more pleasant distraction than the movie. His presence was comforting. He kept giving me little touches that sent my hormones racing. I’m realizing that I got complacent when Chris was around. I took for granted having him there not just for the emotional side of things but for the physical as well. Having gone for over a month now without a man’s touch is starting to get to me. And it’s not helping things having Chase around. While I’m still mourning Chris, I DO still have the needs and wants of any human being. But for now, the guilt I feel whenever I think of being with another man still tends to overwhelm any desires that might arise.

  Oh yeah, about an hour or so ago, we heard several rounds of gunfire. It took me a moment to realize what it was…the firing squad carrying out their duty of executing our two captives. Strangely enough (or maybe not), I wasn’t that bothered by the sound or the thought of what it meant. I’m not sure if that is a good thing or not.

  Thursday, October 17 th

  7:51 a.m.

  It’s cold and gray outside. The day looks like I feel. Just peering out the window as I sit here writing makes me shiver. Even without ever leaving our cozy apartment, I can tell that it’s one of the blustery Midwest days where the whipping wind cuts you to the bone. I can feel the cold seeping in around the cracks in the windows.

  Last night we added a couple blankets to the bed. Little Violet was almost on top of me as we slept. I’m going to have to bring in a few heavier blankets for winter since we don’t have any central heat. Gerald told us the other day that he would allot propane-fed space heaters to the square’s residents once November arrived, but fuel for such heating units is in short supply, so we’ll only be allowed to use them on the chilliest of nights.

  And now it’s off to work.

  12:52 p.m.

  I made a can of chicken noodle soup and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch. It really hit the spot. Dylan and I especially appreciated the warm soup after working outside all morning. Even when we’re inside the houses scavenging, it’s cold. The structures block the wind, which helps a little, but there’s hardly any temperature differential between outside the homes and inside. The wind today makes it super chilly. I’d say it’s only in the low 30s – it might even have broken into the 20s – and the wind chill makes it feel far colder. Winter will be upon us soon. And having one of the scavenge teams now being used for the town’s security detail means that our work gathering supplies is even more important, so we’re really pushing hard.

  Guess I’d better wrap it up for now and get back to it.

  P.S. – You know what’s funny? Our little apartment has a television in it with a remote control. Sometimes when I come home, I instinctually go for the remote before I realize that there’s no point. I suppose it’s just one of those old habits that’s slow to die.

  6:58 p.m.

  Dinner tonight was perfect – the perfect meal for such a day…chili.

  After the kids and I finished eating, we walked over to the old armory building to pick up a couple heavy blankets. Several generators power the building to keep perishables fresh. They also power several washing machines and dryers, so we put in several loads of our dirty laundry while we were there. I’ll go back later and put the clothes in the dryer. I’ll pick the stuff up tomorrow on the way back from work at lunch time.

  Edna appears to be making some real strides with Violet’s education. I’ve noticed Violet getting much better with her numbers, handwriting, and Edna even made the big breakthrough – shoe tying (thank God!). That process was a big enough battle with Dylan. And while I’m a little jealous Edna gets to take credit for some of these educational benchmarks, the whole shoe-tying debacle is one of them I don’t mind her getting to handle, that’s for sure!

  Friday, October 18 th

  12:12 p.m.

  We’re off a little early for lunch today. One of the men injured in the firefight several days ago died last night. His name was Fred. I didn’t know him well since he spent most of his time on the outskirts of town on security detail, but it was still a hard loss for our continually shrinking community. This brings our death toll from the fight the other day to four. I think the others who were injured in the fight will pull through; although, as we’re finding, things are far from being guaranteed in this new world of ours.

  7:46 p.m.

  Ugh…I’m glad to be done with work. It’s been a rough week. We have the farmers market tomorrow, but that’s more of a social event than actual work.

  Right now, the kids are playing Jenga while I fold laundry. It’s a good game for just the two of them. They also like to play Battleship, checkers (Dylan always wins, but he’s a good sport about it), and Candyland. I join in quite often but tend to get tired of playing games all the time in the evening. Instead, sometimes we put on little skits. They’re stupid, but they’re a fun way to pass the time. We even make up songs to go along with them. And lately, I’ve been giving the kids more time to spend at the recreation center. Many of our neighbors hang out there in the evening, and I like to get the kids (especially Dylan since he has to work with me all day) some socializing in a casual environment where they can watch movies and play video games. Ping pong and pool tables have now been moved in there as well. Having a taste of how life used to be – albeit a small one – seems to be good for the kids. I think it makes the shock of what our world has become just a little bit easier to bear.

  Saturday, October 19 th

  3:35 p.m.

  It was chilly this morning, and it hasn’t gotten much better as the day has progressed. I put a thermometer that I found outside a house we scavenged the other day on one of our front windows that overlooks Main Street. It read 28 degrees this morning and is currently hovering right around 36 degrees.

  We moved the farmers market inside the old armory building where we could run several large space heaters to stay warm. It was slightly b
usier than the past few markets I’ve attended. I think people who live outside town are stocking up for winter. But this is a good thing for us since they’re bringing more livestock in to be butchered, fresh milk, eggs, and canned fruits and vegetables in exchange for things like fuel, ammunition, heavier clothing, blankets, and other non-perishables.

  Now that we’re home, the kids and I are going to take showers in a few minutes. The walk over to the communal bathroom in the cold isn’t bad, but the walk back – when we’re still kind of wet – sucks!

  Chase is coming for dinner tonight; then we’re all going to a movie over at the Tivoli. I’m going to attempt to cook a few pieces of fresh chicken I picked up at the farmers market today. After coating them in bread crumbs, I’m going to deep fry them. I hope it works. I don’t want to make my first culinary endeavor for Chase a losing effort. But it’s hard when you’re cooking on a single burner. Oh well, I’ll give it my best shot. I have a bottle of wine, and he’s said he’d bring some scotch. I’m not a big fan of whiskey, but if I can get a few drinks into HIM before dinner, my cooking might taste better.

  Sunday, October 20 th

  10:02 a.m.

  I still have a few minutes before church. The kids are getting their shoes on. It takes Violet a while, but it’s worth the wait to let her practice her lace tying.

  Sorry I didn’t write more yesterday. Once Chase arrived, I just got so busy with playing hostess and cooking dinner that I didn’t have time. I feel so funny mentioning his name in what used to be Chris’ journal, like I’m being unfaithful or disloyal – especially when it’s about him coming over for dinner, which was an overall success (at least I THINK so). The chicken turned out tender and the breading wasn’t soggy. The wine was good, and Chase made me an old-fashioned, a drink I’d never had before. It was good…strong, but good.