I’m immersed in a group hug. I look at every face, studying each one. The contours, the lines, the eyes. I have to remember every detail so I can draw them when I get where I’m going.
I take a big hit of the oxygen, pressing the mask to my face. “It’s free, why not?”
Everyone laughs at the mask pressed against my nose. When I feel like I can finish, I push the mask down.
“Never have I ever…not said goodbye. It’s time. I won’t be leaving this hospital bed…but I get to choose how I go.”
Paul kisses my head, “Here, mi Amor.” I take the bag, but not where the camera can see. I don’t want to ruin his bright future. It’s there, up in the distance, shining like the Emerald City.
I see it in his eyes, he won’t ask again. Are you sure?
I smile up at him and pouch my lips out and wait for his kiss.
His lips touch mine, softly. “Have a safe trip, my love.”
And because it needs to happen, I look down at the rumpled, crinkled, brown paper bag. “Can you get any shadier?”
Everyone laughs.
I look in the bag. It’s all there. Just like I asked for. Dr. Fitzmann said he’d write me a prescription, and I let him. But we never filled it. I just knew it was something that Paul had to do for me. One last thing.
“Can I have the water?” Mason grins when Lola brings the gallon jug to me.
“Cheers,” I say to Mason. “Netflix is calling.”
I see understanding in his eyes. He leans in, kisses my cheek and whispers in my ear. “Thanks for the gift. Never have I ever…got to say goodbye either. I love you, Chloe.”
“I love you too, so much.” His eyes sparkle, tears glistening in his eyes. And a smile on his face. Always putting one on mine.
“Remember to walk and feed her once in a while. She’ll need it.”
He looks up at Lola. Who smiles back at him. “I don’t bite.”
……
Chloe
I look around the room and see everyone who loves me. Would do anything for me. Are doing everything for me. “Thank you.” It’s all I can say, and I take the life enders, saying a private thanks for small mercies.
……
“How long was I asleep that time?”
Lola’s voice is heavy. “Two hours, Chlo. Roxy’s here.”
I try to turn my head, but it feels heavy. The damn tumor.
Roxy takes my hand and whispers into my ear. “It’s a boy. Since Steve wouldn’t let me name him Chloe, I picked Jett. After our favorite song, darling.” I feel her kiss on my cheek.
I nod. There are so many things wrong with that sentence. So… “I love you.” Will have to do.
I close my eyes. “Sleep now.” I hear my mom say.
Then I remember. “Lola?”
Lola
“I’m here, Chlo-Bug.”
“Did you get the box with your name on it? And the laptop?”
“Yes.”
“I need you to finish it. Get it to Mia Scrum. She said if I made the video, she’d air it. Like a make-a-wish.”
“She has it, Chloe. Remember, honey, Lola did that already. Everything’s taken care of.” She smooths absent hair away from her dying daughter’s face. All I can do is stand back and bear witness. My lovely Chloe, who whispers, “Call Mason.”
He stands. “I’m here. Till the end, my friend.
She looks around at everyone, her eyes stop on Em. I look over to see what she sees. Em smirks back at her and pulls Ronny into a hug. Of course.
Chloe
Mason hangs in the back, reminding me of the photograph I’d seen of him as a teenager. “Mason,” I whisper, and he comes, tears in his eyes. “You’re such a chick, you know that?”
He sits next to Paul, who’s strumming his guitar and singing to me in Español.
“I want to hear about Mexico.”
Lola
That’s my cue. She asked me to make it good.
“Mexico.” I can’t even think right now, let alone remember…but I do. Every damn moment I’ve had with Chloe is like an imprint on my heart. I trace it, and begin.
“We begged your mom and dad to let you go. They weren’t ready to, but they did. On the condition that we take your brother with us.”
Em laughs and ruffles Ronny’s crewcut, and he makes a face, like he’s died and gone to heaven. I look at Chloe with my eyes wide, and she gives me a somber smile.
“Ronny,” I say, too forcefully, “was not happy about the whole situation.”
Chloe
Her voice follows me down. The laughter from the room engulfs me, all the edges neatly tucked around me like an envelope.
I know the story. If I could tell it, I’d tell it the way it needs to be told. Without the tears and sorrow. I’d say it like this…
“When you hear, ‘You want my mother? She virgin.’ You know you’re in Tijuana.”
I might hover…don’t get offended. -Chloe
August 1, 2016
For all the great nurses that fight the good fight every day, with a smile a kind touch when it’s needed. You know who you are. Courtney is every one of us.
Please enjoy a deleted scene from…dots……
All your weight, it falls on me. it brings me down. Truer words have never been spoken.
My family and their feelings, that’s the weight of my world on my shoulders right now. How am I supposed to tell my overprotective mother, who freaks out over a sniffle…that, I’m…dying?
My brother, Ronny, out doing his job, protecting us, battling on the front lines. Is it fair to distract him from his job? Maybe he gets killed, or one of his buddies?
What about dad?
Thoughts of the man that stuffs a pink can of mace and rape whistle in my stocking at every year, and my burden just got heavier.
And last but not least, my best friend, Lola. We’ve been the odd couple since the tampon video in fourth grade. Neat as pin, she never has loose ends, never commits to anything, no tangles no mess.
That’s where I come in. I’m a friggin mess. Everything I touch gets smudged. Or at least, I’ve been told that, since as far back as I can even remember leaving a mess.
Possibly, Lola’s bored with her muted tones life, maybe that’s why she steps into my sunshine and rainbows. Cluttered with dust motes, dancing on sunrays, like spritely fairies.
Could be. So, what happens when I tell her I’m taking the sun with me?
Somedays, I can’t get off this sagging futon. Between the pain, the isolation, the guilt, the secret…
I just can’t.
I look at the website again. The F#ck It List. A place to put your Never have I ever… and you’ll be matched with the right person for you. I’m not interested in the sexual stuff. I’m so over that, and besides, my boyfriend, well, not boyfriend, stops by twice a week and we’re compatible enough as it is.
But it’s the other thing I’m interested in.
My chemo nurse, Courtney, whispered to me. “You need someone to talk to, get things off your chest. I know you don’t want to burden your family, Chloe, but who takes your burden?”
I shrugged, not really caring one way or the other. “I’ll be dead soon, so who cares? They can bury it with me.”
She smacked my hand, the one without the IV. She was the one who had to poke around for an hour to find it, so she was protecting it like gold. But her words were kind. “Just like that. Who do you get to say those things to? You’re too worried about acting normal for your chemo buddy over there.”
Em’s on her phone. She hates needles. I do too.
“You need someone to hear you and not your cancer, you got me?” Her eyes look so compassionate, so loving I nod.
She rests her hand on top of mine.
I didn’t realize I was crying. “It’s my first time, I’m still a rookie.” I blubber out.
She produces a tissue box from thin air and rubs my hand. “I have a friend; her grandson has a website.” She lowers her voice
. “It’s like a sex something or other,” then she’s back to full volume, “but that’s just to raise money for charity. I know she said he’s always looking for people with illnesses to help. “
I guess my face must look funny, because she feels the need to add, “not like murder or anything like that.”
I laugh. “Honestly, I was just wondering when this nausea would start to go away.”She nods, and squeezes my hand. “It doesn’t.”
Later, when I’m pumped full of poison, she presents me with a gift bag. It’s got band aids and syringes all over it.
“Wow, Courtney how’d you know it was my birthday?”
She laughs, “Well it kind of is. It’s your Chemo day. You’re very first. Congratulations, kiddo, you made it through. Enjoy.
Inside is the softest, most luxurious cashmere blanket. Pink, with raised dots.
“Very chic, Courtney. I love it!”
She hugs me and wraps it around my shoulders. “For the chills,” she whispers in my ear and I nod.
She reaches in the bag and takes out a box of masks. “Remember your nadir.”
There’s hard candies to suck on, for when my mouths dry. And an oral bag! With a rainbow toothbrush. “Thanks so much, I would’ve never thought of any of this.
As I leave, in search of my chemo buddy, who I haven’t seen in the last thirty minutes, Courtney calls out to me.
“Chloe, did you want me to check on that thing, Mason’s website?”
I think about it. I’ve got nothing better to do. “Sure.”
And just like that, two dots floating in a sea of sorrow, were connected…by Courtney.
My dots…
Stay FABULOUS beta readers. Lana, Desiree. You ladies are my touchstone. You read everything I write, no matter how crazy. You never flinch. Smooches.
A luscious shout out to Regina, my friggin reader, friend. I’m chubby, I write books about chubby girls, and I bring my friggin baker to my signings! -Me…at every signing, fully lit, saying this over and over til she probably wants to stick a hard roll in my mouth.
Fans-friends, Thank you for loving my stories as much as I do. If I you’re your ears off-just tell me to shut it down. I won’t be offended. Sorry about my messy hugs. Thanks for your support, friendship kind words. Shelley, you made my day when you said you’d read for me. I’m so glad we connected.
Amanda, my official proofer. Your kickass critiques and notes are what I need. I’d rather hear it from you girl.
Jessica, my new book cover friend. Thank for making me shine bright.
Eagle at Aquila Editing, I’m an author, baby! Got an editor and everything! as always, all my gratitude. I value and respect your guidance. You’ll never know what your glowing praise and red marks mean to me
Supafan Charlene!!!! I love you and I’m coming to visit you, eh. Thank you for taking a chance on an unknown writer. I love that you love my books! Your words, posts lift me up. I hope you know that.
Jimmy, Nina and Anth, Sandy, Daisy, and Bruschi. You have my heart. Always.
And for all my friends, my favorite nurse, it’s a tie.
There’s a real Courtney, who I pray to God is the nurse that walks into my room when the big one hits. Standing shoulder to shoulder with Tanya. Can you tell, I miss you all? Dirty Diana, Crystal with the pistols, cocked and loaded there’s too many to list. Annette…management. Nelson, Mark, Bryant, Reza, Elijah, Dennis, Jen, May. Just everyone. Thanks for never laughing when I said I write dirty girl books while starting an IV.
There isn’t a code blue party that I’d rather be at than at a ICH code party.
……
I listened to Heavy, by Collective Soul every day that I wrote this book. Thank you for your inspiration.
After you leave a stellar review…come connect with me.
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/AngieMBrashears/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/angimb12
Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Angie-M.-Brashears/e/B01A9A2MYM/ref=dp_byline_cont_ebooks_1
Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/14770343.Angie_M_Brashears
And be sure to check out my Chubby Chasers, Inc. Series…. it’s FABULOUS! https://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Blue-Chubby-Chasers-Inc-ebook/dp/B019EN7KY2
Smooches!
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