Lament for a Lost Lover

by Philippa Carr

  I was longing for my baby to be born.

  She was born on the seventh of July, and I called her Priscilla. Carleton tried to pretend that he was not disappointed by the sex of the child, but he was; but to me she was perfect, and from the moment I saw her I would not have exchanged her for any other.

  Priscilla. My Priscilla. I was taken right back to the days when I had first held Edwin in my arms. How dearly I had loved him; he had been more than my own child; he had been the consolation for the loss of his father. Priscilla I loved none the less. I loved her because she was a girl. She would be more completely mine. If Carleton was disappointed in her sex, I was not.

  Great events might be happening away from Eversleigh. I could not think seriously about them; my life was centred round my child. When I heard that the Dutch fleet had sailed up the Medway as far as Chatham and had made themselves masters of Sheerness, I said how dreadful it was, but I was not thinking much about it. The Loyal London, the Great James and the Royal Oak were burned by the enemy and fortifications were blown up. I shuddered, but my thoughts were all for my child.

  “We had never been so disgraced,” cried Lord Eversleigh, and I knew how deeply shocked my parents would be by the news.

  But I could only think that Priscilla was gaining weight, that already she knew me and would stop whimpering if I took her. Already she would smile at me. I delighted in her.

  The boys came to see her, and were amazed at her little hands and feet.

  “She’ll never be able to run fast with little feet like that,” declared Leigh.

  “Silly,” said Edwin. “She’ll grow big, won’t she, Mama? We were little like that once.”

  “I was never as little,” boasted Leigh.

  “Oh, yes, you were, I saw you,” I told him. I could never look at him without thinking of Edwin and Harriet together. I wondered when he had been conceived. It was before Edwin had been, because he was the elder.

  I had to stop thinking of that because it was affecting my attitude to Leigh. It was not his fault that his parents had both deceived me so blatantly.

  Uncle Toby was always making excuses to come to the nursery. He was enchanted by Priscilla.

  “You lucky man,” he said to Carleton. “I’d give a lot to have a child like that.” Then he would talk sadly of his misspent youth and how different everything would have been if he had settled down and become a family man.

  “It’s never too late,” said Carleton. “Shall we find a bride for him, Arabella?”

  “We’ll have a house party,” I said. “We’ll invite as many eligible ladies as we can muster …”

  And I thought: Someone for Charlotte. Poor Charlotte, she seemed to have grown even more unhappy of late. It was almost as though she had been affected by my marriage. I suppose it was seeing me with the children.

  There was great jubilation when peace was declared with the French, the Danes and the Dutch, but Carleton told me that people were beginning to murmur against the King for concluding a peace which it was said was dishonourable.

  “The country’s honeymoon with Charles is long over,” he said. “They are now murmuring … not so much against him as against his mistresses.”

  “Which is somewhat unfair of them.”

  “Alas, dear Arabella, the world often is unfair.”

  I agreed it was, and we talked about Uncle Toby and the possibility of his finding a wife.

  “We really must bestir ourselves,” I said.

  As it happened there was no need for us to do that.

  That September Uncle Toby went to London for a brief visit and it became a long one.

  He wrote back to us that he was enjoying life in London. He was at the playhouse most days. He had seen Nell Gwyn as Alice Piers in The Black Prince, and better still in Dryden’s comedy An Evening’s Love as Donna Jacintha. He wrote lyrically of the charms of Nelly and how the rumours were that the King’s attentions were now fixed on her and poor Moll Davis was nowhere in the running.

  “It appears he is enjoying the London scene,” said Carleton. “That will compensate him for all he has missed as a family man.”

  Then quite suddenly came a letter which was addressed to Lord Eversleigh. We were all shown it and read it again and again. Carleton laughed immoderately.

  “I never thought he would have gone as far as that,” he declared.

  “What will happen now?” demanded Lord Eversleigh.

  “What is natural!” said Carleton. “He will return here with the lady.”

  The fact was that Uncle Toby had married a wife. According to him she was the most beautiful of women; she was attractive, amusing; everything he had wanted in a wife. He was the happiest man alive and he was going to share that happiness with his family.

  The day after we received this letter he would be with us, for he was following close on the heels of his messenger.

  The whole household waited eagerly.

  True to his word Uncle Toby arrived with his bride. As they came through the gates we were all there waiting.

  I stared. I thought I was dreaming. It could not possibly be so. But it was. Uncle Toby’s bride was Harriet Main.

  The Shadow of Death

  MATILDA’S IMMEDIATE REACTION HAD been alarm. For a few moments she could only stare at her unbelievingly when Toby presented her. I was sure she felt as I did that she was dreaming.

  “Oh, I know you’ve already met Harriet,” Uncle Toby announced. “She has told me all about it, have you not, my love?”

  “I said we should have no secrets,” she answered softly.

  “And the devil of a job I had getting her to accept me,” went on Uncle Toby. “I thought I never should get her to agree.”

  I felt my lips turning up at the corners cynically. I had no doubt that it had been her idea from the first and that her reluctance would have been as false as she was.

  She lowered her eyes and succeeded in looking modest, but I knew, of course, what a good actress she was.

  “Oh, Arabella,” she said, “How happy I am to see you again. I have thought of you so much. And you are married again … to Carleton. Dear Toby has been telling me.”

  “It was their married bliss that made me see what I was missing,” said the doting old man. Poor Uncle Toby! He had no idea of the kind of woman he had married.

  Matilda had recovered her composure. She could never for long fail in her duties as the perfect hostess.

  “Well, Toby, I have had the blue room made ready for you.”

  “Thank you, Matilda. It’s what I was hoping.”

  “Shall I take Harriet up?” I asked.

  Matilda looked relieved. “That would be very pleasant,” said Harriet.

  I was very much aware of her eyes on me as she followed me up the stairs. I threw open the door of the blue room. It was pleasant, as all the rooms at Eversleigh nowadays, and so called because of the colour of its furnishing. Harriet studied the four-poster with blue hanging, the blue curtains, and blue carpets.

  “Very nice,” she said. She sat on the bed and looked up at me smiling. “This is fun,” she said.

  As I did not smile with her, her expression changed to one of concern.

  “Oh, Arabella, you are not still holding out against me, are you? I had to leave Leigh with you. How could I take him with me? I knew you would be the perfect mother to him … far better than I ever could.”

  “I know who his father was.”

  She was wrinkling her brows and preparing to look innocent.

  “Charles …” she began.

  “No,” I said, “not Charles Condey. You contented yourself merely with taking him away from Charlotte. I know his father was Edwin.”

  She turned a shade paler. Then her lips curled. “He told you, of course. Your new husband.”

  “Yes, he told me.”

  “Just what I should expect of him.”

  “It was right that I should know after having been deceived by you for so long.”


  “I can explain …”

  “No, you can’t. There was a letter of yours on Edwin when he was killed. It was bloodstained, but not too much so to prevent my being able to read what you had written to him. It explained everything. I know about the meetings in the arbour and how you were caught there and shot by the Puritan fanatic.”

  “Oh,” she said blankly. Then she shrugged her shoulders and reminded me so much of the occasions when I had discovered her prancing into the room—the first discovery of deceit which should have warned me. “Well,” she went on. “It’s the way of the world.”

  “Your way, I know. I hope such behaviour is not general.”

  “So now you hate me. Why should you? You have another husband now.” She smiled. “Let us forget the past, Arabella. I hated deceiving you. It made me so unhappy. It was just that I fell so madly in love that I couldn’t help it. But it’s over now.”

  “Yes,” I said, “it’s over and now you have caught Uncle Toby.”

  “Caught him! He was the angler. I was the little fish.”

  “A fish who would only be caught if she wanted to be, I’m sure.”

  “I’ve changed, Arabella. I’ll admit I let myself be caught.” She got off the bed and, going to the mirror, looked at her reflection. “I’m no longer quite so young, Arabella.”

  “No,” I said bluntly.

  “Nor are you,” she retorted sharply. Then she laughed. “Oh, Arabella, it is good to be with you. More than anything I have missed you. I’m so excited to be here. No one can turn me out now, can they? I’m a legitimate member of the household. I have the marriage bond to prove it. Harriet Eversleigh, of Eversleigh Court. There are only two people standing in the way of my becoming Lady Eversleigh. Lord Eversleigh himself and your son Edwin.”

  “As my son is but seven years old I am inclined to think your chances are slight.”

  “Of course. But it is nice to feel near, you know. Particularly when you have been a hardworking actress—and I’ll admit that times have been hard sometimes. To be able to say it’s quite unlikely but …”

  “Stop it!” I cried angrily. “You are saying that if Edwin were to die …”

  “I was only teasing you. How could Toby inherit? What made me feel a little jubilant was that he has made Carleton step aside.”

  “I think this is a rather unpleasant conversation.”

  “We are rather outspoken in the theatre, I’m afraid.”

  “Then you will have to change now you are at Eversleigh Court.”

  “I will, Arabella. I promise you. Dear Arabella, don’t be angry with me. Let us be friends. I want that so much. I have missed you. When anything unusual or comical happened, I always used to say to myself: ‘I should love to tell that to Arabella.’ I can’t bear that you should be cold to me.”

  “In the circumstances how can you expect anything else?”

  “You’ve changed, Arabella.”

  “In the light of my discoveries, wouldn’t you expect that?”

  She sighed. “I suppose so.”

  “Now I will leave you. If you need anything, pull the bell rope and the maid will bring it.”

  I turned and shut the door. My heart was beating fast. Something dramatic was certain to happen now that Harriet was in the house.

  I went back to the drawing room where Matilda was sitting in the window, looking out.

  “Oh, Arabella,” she said. “I don’t like it. How could Toby have done this?”

  “He’s so enamoured of her. She is very attractive.”

  “I suppose so. I shall never forget her coming to Villers Tourron, and how she suggested the play. It seemed such a good idea at the time and I was so pleased. But how it turned out! She took Charlotte’s lover. You can see how Charlotte feels about her being here. The poor girl was quite put out. I do wish she would be more amenable.”

  “I have been intending for a long time to arrange some parties for her. I want her to meet people. I am sure it would be good for her.”

  “You are a dear soul, Arabella. Such a comfort. I never cease to be grateful that you have become one of us. But this Harriet. Oh, how could Toby have done this to us!”

  “It was I who brought her in the first place so I am to blame rather than he.”

  “And having a child and going and leaving him with us as she did.”

  I slipped my arm through hers. I was thankful that she did not know the real story. I wondered what her reaction would have been had she learned that Leigh was her own grandson.

  “We have to accept it,” I said. “I daresay we shall grow accustomed to her being here.”

  “You’re such a comfort,” said Matilda fondly.

  Carleton and I discussed Harriet’s arrival when we were alone in our bedroom that night.

  “You must be watchful of your old friend, my darling,” he said. “I wonder what she is planning now.”

  “I think she must have fallen on lean times. So perhaps she is revelling in the comfortable position she has brought herself to.”

  “Just at first perhaps. Then she will be looking around for mischief.”

  “Perhaps she has grown out of that by now.”

  “I’ll wager she never will.”

  “How could she come here!”

  “She didn’t know that you were aware of the part she had played with Edwin.”

  “But she knew you did.”

  “She wouldn’t care about me. She would regard me as a fellow sinner.”

  “I told her I knew. It came out. I had to.”

  He nodded. “I would have expected you to. You could never hide your feelings. My dear, honest Arabella.” He came over to me and put his arms about me.

  “We will be on our guard,” he said. “And now … let us forget her.”

  So Harriet was once more with us and this time she was in her rightful place. She had become an Eversleigh—one of us.

  Uncle Toby’s pride in her was touching. His eyes followed her; he was bemused as though asking himself how such a glorious creature could possibly have married him. She had aged a little, although she concealed this with artifice and it was only occasionally that it was noticeable. Then I saw that there were light shadows under her eyes and fine lines about her mouth. But she would always be outstandingly beautiful and everyone must admit that.

  It was amazing how she settled in. That Matilda was cool to her did not affect her. Nor did the fact that she had been my late husband’s mistress. Her manner of shrugging these facts aside was disarming.

  She was very eager to see Leigh, and when I took her to the nursery he was with Edwin. She looked from one to the other, not knowing which was her son.

  Both boys regarded her with some sort of awe.

  “You’re a stage actress,” said Leigh. I suppose he had heard the servants talking.

  “You’re Uncle Toby’s new wife,” added Edwin.

  She told them they were both right, and very soon she was telling them about the stage and the plays she had acted in and they were clearly fascinated.

  She had lost none of her charm. Uncle Toby was her adoring slave and that was easy to understand, but when I saw her exert it over the boys, I knew that she had lost none of her gifts and I remembered how little Fenn had adored her.

  What was almost incredible was that I found myself being caught up in the old spell. My resentment was gradually weakening. Although I still thought of her and Edwin together now and then, it no longer angered me. She made a great effort to win back my friendship and she was gradually succeeding.

  She had a gift of narrative and it was not long before I was hearing about her adventures.

  “I knew it wouldn’t last with James Gilley,” she told me. “But I had to go. What else could I do? What life could I have given Leigh? I had to think of my baby. I knew that you would look after him and that with you he would have a good life. So I forced myself to part with him. It was a wrench. You don’t know how I suffered …”

  I narrowed my
eyes and smiled at her.

  “You don’t believe me. I understand. I don’t deserve your trust. I can see how you feel. But Edwin was so persuasive and I was half in love with him. He wasn’t good enough for you, Arabella. I used to tell myself that and it would salve my conscience. I used to say if I was not the one, there’d be someone else. Better for Arabella’s sake that I should be the one.”

  “That’s an odd way of looking at it.”

  “I thought at first he would marry me, Arabella. I think he would have if he’d not been so weak. But he had always done what he was told and what the family expected. Then when I realized that he was going to marry you, it had gone too far to stop.”

  “You were so deceitful, Harriet.”

  “I know. It was forced on me. You know how I have had to battle. Nothing came easily to me. I used to tell myself: Once you are married to a man who can keep you in comfort then you can repent your sins and start to be a good woman.”

  “So you are now embarked in that path of virtue?”

  “I am. Arabella, I assure you I am. It can happen you know. Look at Carleton.”

  “What about Carleton?”

  “What a rake he was and now he’s reformed. He is a model husband now, I am sure. He glances neither to left nor to right. His eyes are firmly fixed on his Arabella.”

  I looked at her sharply. Was she laughing at me? Was she hinting at something?

  She read my thoughts. “No, I mean it. He’s turned into the devoted husband. Well, now I shall turn into the devoted wife.”

  “I am glad to hear it. I should hate Uncle Toby to be hurt. He’s such a darling.”

  “I agree with both those sentiments. You must admit I have made him a happy man. I shall keep him so to the end of his days. Oh, he was so good to me. He used to come to the playhouse whenever I was playing, and when I heard who he was, naturally I pricked up my ears. I was Roxalana in The Siege of Rhodes when he first saw me. He came backstage afterwards, and you can guess how excited I was when I heard he was Toby Eversleigh. I asked him a good many questions about his family when we supped together, and over the wine of which he partook more freely than I did, I heard of you and what was happening here at Eversleigh Court.”