Everybody Is Awful_Except You!

by Jim Florentine

  The line to the ATM is out the door. People need more money because they keep losing. People are staring at slot machines chain-smoking cigarettes because they have to calm their nerves. They have to do that because they are dumping all their kid’s college tuition money into a machine that’s rigged by the casino. Now their kid can barely go to a community college because of their gambling habit.

  They’re not going to win. They never will. You hear some of these guys say, but I was one more bar away from winning $10,000. Guess what, the casino does that on purpose so people keep thinking they have a chance. Nobody has ever bought a house by playing cards in Vegas. Nobody has ever bought a brand-new Mercedes because they were playing craps. Give it up! It’s not going to happen!

  Mirror, Mirror, Who’s the Biggest Douche?

  This update is from a single guy. I should thank this douche. I’m back out on the dating scene and some nights I doubt myself. But, if this is my competition I’m going to clean up.

  So earlier, I walked into the bathroom to wash my hands, prior to eating some lunch, and I see this beautiful picture hanging on the wall. I mean this was a truly mesmerizing picture! One might even say it was perfect. However, after about thirty seconds of eyeing this immaculate work of art, I then realized, Oh shit! That’s just the mirror and this spectacular picture is indeed a picture of me! LOL!

  That’s what’s out there, ladies! Narcissistic jerk-offs!

  I have sixteen-year-old nieces that will text me sometimes and write LOL at the end.

  I can accept that from a sixteen-year-old girl. It seems appropriate for her age. But not a grown man who writes long paragraphs about admiring himself in the mirror and ends it with laughing out loud!

  I’m curious, how many women read this post and had the sudden urge to start eating pussy?

  King Cock Sucker

  So I normally shave my head and line it up all sexy. Tonight, I stepped up my game. I took off the sides and back giving myself a look fit for a king.

  Nobody thinks you’re sexy! Your head looks like a swollen ball sack.

  That’s good that you shaved your head. Now, the guy you’re blowing will be able to hold on to your ears while he shoves his fit-for-a-king cock down your throat!

  Dump This Dumpster Diver

  It seems more acceptable for women to post a lot of pictures of themselves but some women don’t know when to stop. Take this stupid chick for instance. She wants everyone to tell her she is naturally pretty. To get compliments she posted a picture of herself dressed like a crack whore.

  I like the kind of guy who thinks you’re beautiful without makeup on, when your hair is a mess, and you’re in sweatpants and a T-shirt.

  Good luck trying to find that type of guy. I’m really shocked that her relationship status says single. You know the only men that like that look? Homeless guys! Because they have the same outfit on! Strippers leaving the strip club after a night of dancing dress like that too on their way to their car. That’s why you never hear about a stripper getting raped in the parking lot. I saw one walking to her car that was giving me lap dances all night and I asked for my money back.

  Magic Bragging

  Talk about magical thinking—this woman takes positive affirmations to a new level of crazy!

  If you’re reading this—I’m beautiful!

  Really!? I read it and saw your profile pic and on a scale of 1–10 you are still a 4. If you lived in LA, you would be a negative 2. I hope you find someone out there who thinks you’re beautiful. What about that mirror douche from a few paragraphs ago? He can stare at himself while he’s fucking you.

  Delusions of Grandeur

  Here’s a woman determined to let everyone know she’s better than the rest of us.

  I have tattoos, piercings, and a Ph.D. I’ve dated rock stars and I’m a kick ass mom who bakes awesome cookies. I’m a badass piercer and I own my own home. I even have my own pet pig for that matter. I’m better than any basic bitch out there. I’m saying this because I need to remember these things. Yeah, I know you are looking at your wife or girlfriend right now and thinking, yeah, this chick is right she’s a badass!

  Piercings, tattoos, and dated rock stars? You sound more like a train wreck whore with Daddy issues. By the way, you didn’t date any rock stars. That rock star did a show in your town, fucked you, and left. He did the same thing with another girl in the next town.

  But hey, at least you can bake cookies. You have that going for you. Unfortunately, your cookies are not awesome. Your kid says that because kids love cookies. Try getting them on a shelf in a store if they are that damn good. You can’t because they’re mediocre just like your shitty tattoos.

  Crazy-Baiter

  Many of the bragging posts are of the bait-and-switch variety. For instance, this woman lists her shitty qualities and hits us with reverse psychology.

  I may be crazy, funny, random, and slightly insane but you’ve got to love me.

  What she really means here is she’s a drama queen and whenever she goes out with a group of people she causes a problem and ruins the night. Thank God for Uber now. You can throw this disaster of a human being in one and continue your night out. Then the next day she will ask you if you saw her phone because she lost it. Cunt.

  Fitness Freaks

  Fitness freaks are some of the worst braggers on Facebook. These assholes brag about being in shape and clutter our news feed with pictures showing off their bodies and workout clothes. They can’t wait to make their friends feel like shit.

  If I lift up my arms any further, my biceps are going to explode. The pump is real!

  No, person’s bicep has ever exploded, asshole.

  The pump is real?

  What pump? The one you have to use to get your dick hard for women because you’re so in love with yourself? Why don’t you do everyone a favor and pump yourself up with a lethal dose of heroin!

  Cumshake Regrets

  I may feel exhausted, weak and sometimes nauseous after my workout, but one thing I never feel is regret.

  Why would you feel regret after working out? Did you cheat on your wife by blowing the trainer in the locker room? Do you regret he didn’t kiss you after you gave him oral?

  That is the only reason you should feel regret after a workout!

  When you exercise and lift weights, you’re doing something good and healthy for yourself. No one gets distraught after a good workout, goes home, and drinks himself to sleep.

  We know what this guy is doing; it’s another case of backdoor bragging. He wants to be complimented.

  Yea! You went to the gym! Good for you dude, none of us are impressed.

  Wait, what’s this? You feel nauseous?

  Who the fuck feels nauseous after a workout?

  Maybe your stomach hurts because of that cum milkshake you had in the gym locker room?

  Well, at least you got your protein for the day. Did you ask him if his cum was GMO free?

  The Gym Whore

  Here’s another idiot looking for a backdoor compliment.

  Me and the gym have been in a steady relationship for a while now and I couldn’t be happier. Even though I have to share her with other people I know, I have a special place in her heart.

  Guess what—everybody else in your neighborhood is fucking her too! Just think of all those slimeballs grunting, pumping their hard iron inside her, sweating while they do it, wiping off with a nasty towel, and then taking off. This goes on all day and all night. I hope your gym breaks your heart by going out of business. Next time I drive by your gym, I’ll make sure I stop in and take a shit!

  Running on Empty

  People love to brag about running charity races. Who the fuck cares? Is there anybody in the history of running 5K’s that hasn’t posted their participation on Facebook? They get to brag two times. I can do charity work and exercise at the same time. Look how fucking awesome I am! I’m sure you’ve seen the following post.

  Just ran a 5K!

&nb
sp; Great, you get a free T-shirt at the finish line that’s way too big and you’ll never wear. Let me guess, the charity is breast cancer awareness? Is there anyone on this planet that’s not aware that women can get breast cancer? Thanks for reminding me. Now, let me check your tit for a lump!

  Just finished a 20-mile run after spin class!

  No you didn’t you fucking liar.

  So excited for the treadmill, my baby just bought me running shoes! I love that man!

  He bought you running shoes because you’re out of shape. If you were in shape, he would have bought you an easy chair.

  Running 17 miles on a treadmill is so boring!

  I saw your profile picture dude. It looks like you did seventeen miles a day circling a buffet.

  About to meet my personal trainer. I made the first appointment.

  Really? Wow! That is fucking amazing! You’ve paid someone $60 per hour to make you work out and you showed up? You are an amazing person! I see you’re a hot chick, too, so I’m thinking the over-under for when you start fucking your trainer is three months.

  Club Jerk-Off

  A douchey gym guy posted this one.

  Going to Club Gym on this Friday night!

  He should have just written, No one wants to hang out with me tonight so I might as well go to the gym.

  Marathon Moaner

  Even when these fitness freaks aren’t working out, they find a way to brag about being athletic. Here’s a woman that’s running away from running and wants our sympathy.

  It breaks my heart to share that I won’t be running the marathon in December due to a pulled muscle in my leg.

  Then don’t share it.

  Keep it to yourself.

  If you didn’t share it maybe your heart wouldn’t be broken. Out of your 459 friends, I bet only two remembered that you were running in a marathon.

  Nobody gives a fuck you pulled a muscle. If your dog dies, then I’ll feel bad for you. Pulling a muscle is not a crisis. There are marathons every two weeks. Just run in the next one, attention whore.

  Handstand Hysteria

  Here is another secret braggart who deserves zero encouragement!

  I’m not going to lie. I’ve been discouraged with my fitness journey the last couple of weeks. It’s hard and every life challenge has come my way but just like having faith, I have continued to push through all the emotions and pain. And what do you know? I accomplished my first handstand in the process… then I accomplished the double under on the jump ropes. What? How did this happen? Patience and consistency. The small victories are what are keeping me going.

  You know what takes patience? Reading that horseshit you wrote.

  She starts off, I’m not going to lie.

  No one asked you if you were lying. Are you known as a liar? Even if you did, no one would be disappointed because no one gives a fuck!

  I’ve been discouraged with my fitness journey, she says.

  You go to the gym a few days a week and exercise. You’re not on a journey. The gym is a mile from your house. You go there, lift weights, and do cardio for thirty minutes and leave. None of those activities are remotely close to a journey.

  It’s hard and every life challenge has come my way.

  You’re squatting eight-pound pink dumbbells. How is that a life challenge?

  I have continued to push through all the emotions and pain.

  What emotions do you have in the gym? Are you really crying? I’ve never seen someone running on a treadmill and bawling her eyes out.

  You’re a drama queen. No wonder you’re making a big deal about working out.

  This woman is thirty-seven years old, and she’s bragging about doing a handstand and jumping rope. My five-year-old niece does those things everyday and never says a word. If anyone should brag, it’s the five-year-old. I’m not impressed by your handstand. I’m more impressed by the wall holding up your lard ass!

  Workout Withdrawals

  I haven’t been to the gym in a few days. I’m having withdrawals.

  No, you’re not. You’re not shaking in a corner. You don’t need the emergency room.

  No one is walking by you with concern, Holy shit look at that guy. He must have withdrawals from not going to the gym. I’ll believe it if you tell me people keep asking you if you have Parkinson’s.

  Cheat-Day Cunts

  Another form of fitness bragging is the diet brag. People post pictures of the healthy food they are eating or they complain about their diet. Ironically, most of the pictures are updates about the dieter’s cheat day. This is a fitness buzzword for the day you eat anything you want. Read the next post, you’ll see there is nothing worse than a guy bragging about his diet.

  I usually eat clean but for some reason, we just decided to grill rib eyes and have oversized baked potatoes last night. I guess that was my cheat day for the week!

  Wow, you are wonderful! How can I have willpower like you?

  You ate an oversized baked potato and steak and you consider that a cheat day? If it’s a cheat day, how about you let me fuck your girlfriend? You can eat your oversized potato and I’ll stick my dick in your girlfriend’s oversized snatch!

  Here’s another fitness fuck-head on the same wavelength. It’s a woman bragging about a diet she’s not following.

  I’m offered a cheat day diet wise, but today’s choice may not have been the best idea. Can somebody say, “I’ll be paying for this for a couple of days?” Holy salt intake!

  Holy salt intake?

  First, fuck you and your cheat day.

  Second, nobody gives a shit unless the salt intake came from your husband. Did you finally swallow his load? Well, congratulations to him. Maybe every day will be a cheat day in your marriage? Well, until you start looking good and decide to fuck your personal trainer.

  GARY FROM FLORIDA: MEGATOR THE BONECRUSHER

  I’ve known Gary from Florida for over thirty years. The most important weapon in his sexual arsenal is his confidence. Sometimes during my podcast, I play the devil’s advocate and question his tactics or motives but it doesn’t faze him. He’s polite with his responses and even thoughtful but nothing puts a dent in his brashness. He knows what he wants and goes after it. As he says, I’m a first-ballot hall of famer, fella!

  His confidence is most apparent when he talks about his dick. Megator the Bonecrusher, he says proudly, that’s the name of my mule! Gary doesn’t get into the mental trap of worrying about dick size. Back in the day Megator the Bonecrusher was a good 8 and 1/8th, he says. Now that I’m older and it’s shrunk I think it’s closer to 6 and 1/16th. So, sometimes I call it Mini-Meg! But look fella, Ron Jeremy, that fat fuck, doesn’t have nothing on me! Gary’s lesson is clear: It doesn’t matter the size, it matters what you do with the equipment.

  Gary only dates women that show love for Megator. If a woman doesn’t want to suck my mule, I move on, that’s a relationship killer, a true deal breaker! Gary believes dick pride builds sexual confidence and sexual confidence leads to better sex. Hair is out. I shave down there. I look like a fucking eight-year-old and women love it! Nothing should get in the way of worshiping the moose knuckle. I don’t even cover it with a bag, it just gets in the way! That’s Gary’s rule about sexual confidence: honor your cock and it will work hard to make you proud every time!

  Super Shitheads

  Bragging about doing chores is another type of Facebook bragging that needs to stop. There is nothing amazing about doing work you are required to do. These next few posts are from people that don’t understand that. They think they are superheroes.

  Today’s agenda requires super powers. Has anybody seen my cape?

  Nope, I didn’t see a cape!

  I saw your profile picture and you really don’t need a cape. You need a black dress, pointy black hat, and a broom.

  If I had a superpower I wouldn’t use it to cure cancer or stop ISIS, I’d hem my pants!

  You would never have a superpower because there is no such thing
. When a superhero movie starts, it never says it’s based on a true story. There is no such thing as superheroes! But, I could be wrong because I thought there was no such thing as a grown man that likes to hem his pants.

  I’m in such a cleaning mood today, LOL!

  Who laughed at that? What is funny about being in a cleaning mood? There isn’t an ounce of humor in that statement. The best comedic actor couldn’t make this post funny.

  When people put laughing out loud in their own posts, it’s like they are in a bad sitcom. They crack a corny joke and then insert the laugh track… lolololololololol!

  This is like telling your friends—smile here! Laugh here! Let your friends laugh when they want to fucking laugh. They don’t need your direction.

  If you are in such a cleaning mood, clean up your shitty Facebook updates that are cluttering my news feed, jerk-off!

  Gourmet Gross-out

  I made a delicious beef stew with my new Crock-Pot, then saw a preview for Horrible Bosses 2. Get this day some butter, it’s on a roll.