THE REAL ASSHOLE IS YOU!
Exit Here, Idiot!
My biggest pet peeve while driving is when someone misses their exit on the highway and backs up on the shoulder to correct their mistake. Don’t fucking do that! That’s the dumbest thing you could do!
Just go to the next exit and turn around. That’s five extra minutes out of your life. Backing up on the highway is so fucking dangerous and every car going by slows down to see what you’re doing and now every nosy fuck wants to know what they’re missing.
Whenever I see that, I wish I were a cop. I’d pull you over and plant cocaine in your trunk.
I swear if I see someone doing that again, I will pull over and park right behind that person and take my cell phone out, and pretend I have an emergency call. Anything to prevent an asshole like that from pulling that dick move!
Double-Parked Douchebag
I hate when people double-park their car. It’s especially horrendous when it happens in New York City.
Hey douchebag, you’re blocking a lane when you do that! Drop your dumb girlfriend off in front of the stupid store and circle the block until she comes out.
Or, if there is an empty spot, even if it is illegal, pull in there, and wait. As long as you stay in the car, you can move if it becomes a problem. Pull in front of a fucking fire hydrant, who gives a shit. Your dumb wife will be back in five minutes.
By the way, using your hazard lights doesn’t excuse double-parking. That’s not fooling anyone!
“Oh, I guess I overreacted. He has his hazards on. It must be an emergency!”
Believe me, no one is thinking that. They’re calling you every horrible and disgusting name in the book, and topping that off with a few choice racial slurs.
Move your fucking car, douchebag!
Stomp Their Rubber Necks!
Rubbernecking is another one that annoys the shit out of me. If you drive a car you’ve been in traffic jams caused by people slowing down to gawk at accidents. If you’re guilty of this shit, STOP IT!
It’s so fucking frustrating when a simple drive home takes four fucking hours because some dumb bitch slows down to see the aftermath of a wreck.
“Wow! What’s going on?”
“Oh look at that, that’s a serious fender bender!”
“Sure is! Damn, that’s a nice car too. Sucks for him!”
If someone died it’ll be on the local news when you get home. You won’t miss it so keep going! You really don’t need to look, it’s not that interesting. Just mind your own fucking business and look straight ahead.
Whenever I roll up on an accident and cars are slowing down to look, I lay on my horn as hard as fucking possible.
BEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPP!
I hold it down like it’s fucking broken. I won’t stop until they turn around and look at me with a dumb expression plastered on their face!
“Whoa! What are you beeping for dude?”
“JUST GO MOTHERFUCKER! GO STRAIGHT, GO!”
I’m so brutal about this that the victim on the stretcher they pulled out of the wreck looks over at me!
“What’s the rush dude? They’re still looking for my leg!”
Let’s Watch the Shame Film!
I have the solution to all this bad driving. I want to film every car driving down the road for a month straight. Film all their bad habits, how fast they drive, how they change lanes, and all the minor things like using turn signals. Then, I want to sit everyone in a room and show them the video footage, and go over every bad move they made.
“What the fuck were you thinking here? There was a car right next to you and you tried to change lanes without checking. You could have caused an accident! Why did you slow down here? What the fuck were you looking at? Mind your own damn business when you’re on the highways! Look at this clip, asshole! Why were you leaving so much space between you and the car in front of you? Move over to the slow lane if you’re going to do this shit!”
It will be like a football player having to watch the game film with a coach after losing a big game.
“Do you remember making this stupid fucking move? Don’t drive like that, or we’re taking your car away from you!”
All these bad drivers need to endure the humiliation of watching their fuck-ups, over and over again like the football player cleaning up his mistakes. I’m admittedly an aggressive driver. When someone gets nervous in my car I just tell them the same thing. “Do you see any dents on my car? No! Then, go back to staring into your phone and shut your fucking hole!”
The Color of Road Rage
Now, let’s discuss the worst drivers by ethnicity. First, I know it’s a cliché to say the Asian drivers are bad, but they are fucking terrible! I’ll skip that group because to me the absolute worst driver is the white male.
If you see someone driving like a complete asshole, weaving in and out of traffic, not using the blinker, speeding, or slowing down to flip people off because they have road rage—it’s a white dude! It’s undeniable, the white male is an aggressive and angry driver.
I think you can trace all this stupid rage back to a white man’s home life. He is angry because he’s not in a happy relationship. His wife is a cunt, his kids hate him, and he doesn’t like his job. He only took his shit job because he had to support his family. So, he goes through life pissed off because he’s locked in a prison of misery. When he leaves the house he brings that anger and rage with him and drives like an asshole. In my book, these guys are the most dangerous drivers because they’re ticking time bombs. He can’t tell his fucking wife she’s a twat so he takes it out on the road.
Whitey at the Wheel
White females are bad drivers, too. They are constantly distracted. They text, talk on the phone, babble about unimportant bullshit, fix their hair in the rearview mirror, or put on makeup. They’re constantly fiddling with the fucking radio because they can’t go one second without hearing a pop song.
On the flip side, you have the fat soccer mom in the minivan that’s overly cautious. In many ways, she’s worse. She has her two hands nervously vise-gripped to the steering wheel at all times. She will only do about 50 mph on the highway but stays in the fast lane and is too scared to move over. You can’t talk sense into this dumb bitch because she has the ultimate defense.
“Sorry, I’m not speeding. I have my kids in the back. I’m not going to do 75 miles per hour just because you’re in a rush. If you don’t like it, too bad!”
I’ve given up fucking with these women. Take it from me, just drive around these bitches, and let it go. Count your blessings she’s not black!
Stay Off the Road, Shaniqua!
Black guys aren’t that bad on the road. I guess they can’t be—it gives cops another reason to pull them over. But, black men have one driving quirk that makes me fucking crazy. They ride the brake while they’re driving at high speeds. That’s why they constantly get pulled over. They ride the brake so much they always have a taillight out.
Driving like that messes up the flow of traffic because once the driver flashes the brake every other asshole on the road will brake too. But, this is nothing compared to the problems a black woman causes on the road.
The black female is the worst driver on the road. She is oblivious to what’s going on and doesn’t give a fuck! If they’re in a fast lane, they’re doing 45 mph, and don’t care if people are honking at them, or flashing their lights, signaling to move over. A black woman doesn’t care, she won’t move for anyone, she doesn’t give a shit if people are screaming, or giving her the fucking finger. She’s in her own little world, driving slow as shit, and fucking up the fast lane for everyone else.
If you piss off a black female, you might get some honking, yelling, or she’ll rip her weave off and throw it at you. She may flip you off or cuss you out. But, don’t look at her, just stare straight ahead with an attitude that says, whatever bitch; you’re not my fucking problem! Maybe she’ll understand what you are really saying:
&
nbsp; STAY OFF THE FUCKING ROAD, SHANIQUA!
The Left Turn Trick
I have a good trick for faking out awful drivers when I’m at a traffic light and need to make a left turn. I’ve noticed if I’m the first car waiting, and I have my left turn signal blinking, the asshole coming my way will always gun the engine to make sure I don’t turn in front of him. I don’t understand why people do that but they do it every time!
So, if I need to turn, I wait without my signal. The second the light turns green, I hit the left blinker, and quickly turn left in front of that stupid motherfucker. It works every time because that asshole is surprised, and I have the jump on him. He can honk at me all he wants afterwards. I got shit to do and places to go.
Stopping at Yield Signs
Awful drivers don’t know how to use yield signs properly. They’re the ones that come to a complete stop when you approach a yield sign.
Hey asshole, you need momentum to get on the highway. You’ve had your own lane for half a mile. When you see the yield sign two hundred yards away, watch the traffic and use some fucking common sense to anticipate how to merge. Yield doesn’t mean come to a complete stop! It means proceed with caution, dickhead!
Green Light Breakers
Another awful driver is the asshole that hits his brake when the light is green! Why are you fucking hitting the brake when you have the right of way? No one is in front of you? Traffic is flowing and you want to slow down, why? I understand if you want to be cautious because it’s yellow. But, why are you riding the brakes when it’s fucking green! Come on, motherfucker! You’re not even a black guy!
Parking Space Fake-Out
Have you noticed how awful drivers insist on parking next to the entrance of a store or mall? You can see there are a hundred other spaces to choose from but these idiots sit next to the first two spots, hazard lights flashing, engines idling, waiting for the people who own those cars to come out of the store. They’ll wait forever. It’s so fucking stupid!
Women are especially bad at this. They get aggravated when you park away from the entrance.
“Can’t you find anything closer to the door?”
“What does it matter?” I always say. “Were you expecting me to give you a piggyback ride while we’re in there? You’ll probably do twenty miles while you walk around the mall. Why does it matter if we park in the back lot and walk a few extra feet?”
I like to fuck with people that need to park up close. I like to do this in a mall parking lot, especially around the holidays, when it’s packed with shoppers. I leave the mall with a lot of packages and walk to the closest car. I’ll stand there fumbling for my keys for an obnoxiously long time, pretending the car is mine.
These lazy-ass people hover nearby hoping to get my space. It’s easy to imagine what they are thinking, it’s written all over their faces.
“Oh, great! This guy has the best spot, and he’s leaving. It’s my lucky day!”
So, while they wait patiently, I fuck with them. I don’t make eye contact. Instead, I stall as long as I can. I go through my pockets or pretend to talk on my phone. If they yell out and ask me questions, I won’t answer. If they persist, I’ll start an argument.
“Are you leaving?”
“No! Why?”
“Well, I see that you’re standing by your car looking for your keys.”
“Yeah, so what? Are you saying I can’t stand by my car?”
“No, I was just hoping I could take your spot since it’s so close.”
That’s when I hit them with something like this:
“Judging by the three chins you have, you should park in the back, and burn a few calories!”
Awful People You Meet: Awful Navigators
I am not a fan of the GPS or the navigation systems that are installed in cars. The apps on our smartphones like Waze work way better. The factory-installed ones cause too much unnecessary tension in people’s lives. And, they’ve turned normally smart people into awful fucking navigators.
On the way to a party recently, one of my friends called me and bragged that he would be there early because he was using his GPS system in his new truck. That same guy ended up being three hours late! The party started at 8 p.m. and they finally showed up at 11 p.m. The rest of his passengers were pissed. The entire trip took over four fucking hours!
Once his friends got out of the car and joined the party, they refused to talk to him. That included his wife. While they were coming in, half of the people were leaving because it was time for most people to turn around and go home. This guy was making excuses all night.
“I punched the address in my GPS and it sent me to the Pennsylvania Turnpike instead of the NJ Turnpike.”
“Didn’t you think you were going the wrong way when you saw signs for Pittsburgh?”
“Yeah, but I trusted that the GPS would know where we were going!”
Yeah, too bad it didn’t send you off a fucking cliff!
Whenever, I rent a car they ask me if I want a GPS unit for an extra $9.99 per day. Who the fuck would pay for that? I said to the guy behind the desk, “I would take it if I still had a beeper.”
Navigating the Dark Ages
Do you ever wonder how our parents lived without GPS? How did they leave the fucking house? When their friends invited them over for a barbecue, did they turn down the invitation?
“We’d love to come, it sounds so fun, but we have no idea how to get there. Thanks anyway!”
Seriously, were the roads completely empty before the GPS? How did truck drivers make their fucking deliveries?
I’ll watch old football games from the 70s on the NFL network with 70,000 fans packed in the stadium. I can’t even focus on the game. All I think about is how the fuck did they find the stadium without a GPS?
Old Maps
The only good thing about the GPS is that it replaced the paper map! Do you remember those from your childhood?
You’re a kid driving around with your father and he gets lost and asks you to open up the map and figure out the route. You unfold it and the map takes up three quarters of the fucking front seat. Now, your father can barely see because it’s covering most of the windshield. So, your Dad has to roll down the window, so he can see well enough to drive. He looks like Jim Carrey in Ace Ventura leaning out the fucking window driving with a busted windshield.
You finally get Dad back on course and he orders you to fold up the map.
“Fold that up—EXACTLY LIKE IT WAS BEFORE—and then put it back in the glove box!”
Now you spend the rest of the car ride trying to fold it back together in the correct way. Solving a Rubik’s Cube is easier than folding this fucking map back together. Dad puts pressure on you to fold it right. You get nervous and sweat. Your dad looks over and he’s not paying attention to the road. He slams on his brakes because he’s so obsessed with making you fold the map correctly. He wants to pull over and fold the map himself. You remind him that your destination is still eighteen hours away and you still have time to figure it out. But he doesn’t care so he pulls over to the shoulder. That’s when you explode on him.
“Fucking, relax! Do you really need to pull over to fold this map so it can fit in the fucking glove compartment? Next gas station we stop at I’ll buy you a new map for $1.49 you cheap obsessive-compulsive fuck!”
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
ACTING AWFUL
These days there is a lot of talk about how hard it is to make a living. Most people I grew up with made smart choices about their lives and careers and took on stable jobs. They enrolled in health insurance and set up 401ks. I didn’t grow up until I was forty. I was crazy enough to pursue my dreams. Which is a good thing because if I had ended up in a cubicle like in Office Space, I would have murdered my coworkers during a Hawaiian shirt Friday and gone to prison.
Coming Full Circle
I started doing stand-up comedy because I wanted to be onstage somehow and I failed miserably trying to be a musician. Then I took
acting classes to learn that craft and also to make out with hot chicks in class. I’d always pick scenes to do where there was some heavy making out. The best part about that was rehearsing the scene over and over again at my apartment. I was having so much fun I didn’t even need a girlfriend!
Cut to years later and I get a role in Amy Schumer’s Trainwreck and in Californication and got submitted for an Emmy for best guest star in an episode of the TV series Louie. I should have got an Emmy for my role in a movie with Jenna Fischer called A Little Help. I had to dry hump her in a scene. All that practice in my apartment from acting class had me nail that scene in one take. I’m lucky it was only one take. If we did another one I would have blown a load in my pants. I’m premature Pete.
SHITTY CELL PHONES
I got a new smartphone two weeks ago. Fully charged, the battery on that piece of shit lasts about an hour and ten minutes.
I’ve been writing this section of the book for thirty seconds. Now, the charge on the phone is down to 47 percent.
Everywhere I go, I have to take my charger with me. When I walk into a room I look no one in the eye, I look for an empty outlet. If I see an outlet, it’s like seeing a naked woman. I get a fucking erection! I want to stick my dick in that outlet! And, it would fit, too. I have no girth—unless I have a bad case of warts!
I’m a simple man and I don’t need this awful fucking technology. If the next upgrade doesn’t work any better, I’m going back to the old flip phone. Remember that first flip phone you got twenty years ago? My uncle still has that phone. It has been sitting on his table for eight months, turned on, and it’s still charged at 59 percent.
Everybody Is Awful_Except You! Page 21