The Goodbye Year

by Kaira Rouda

  “Hey, Mom,” Dane said, appearing in the doorway and scaring her to death. He was wearing a shiny purple polyester top and white polyester pants with huge bell-bottoms. A gold chain completed his disco look. He loved Halloween, dressing up. She still wished he’d done the theater at high school. He would’ve been the star, but he’d refused and she’d finally given up.

  “Oh, hey, geesh, I didn’t hear you walk in,” Melanie said, giving him a big smile.

  He smiled in return and performed a full 360-degree spin. “How’s your head? Better? I got one of those migraines once, remember? They suck,” he said and moonwalked across the bedroom floor. He was so cute. He probably suspected she’d been drunk, but he was being kind. And he was concerned about her, how she felt. And that concern made her feel even worse. She wasn’t worthy.

  “I’m feeling better, honey, thanks. How was trick-or-treating?”

  “I’ve got enough candy to last for years. It’s gross and excessive but it rocks,” Dane said. “Dad said to tell you he has a snack for us. I didn’t tell him I can’t eat anything because I’ve had excessive amounts of candy, but I’ll come sit with you. I’m not going to be able to sleep until this sugar buzz wears off.”

  “That’d be great,” Melanie said. Her son was amazing and handsome and talented. He’d get into a college that was right for him. Why didn’t she always see that? “I’ll be right there, just splashing some water on my face.”

  After Dane left, Melanie looked at herself in the mirror. Mascara ringed her eyes, while tears had left lines streaking through her makeup. Keith was right. She needed help. And she’d get it. Because she knew at that moment if she didn’t, she would lose everything.

  CHAPTER SIX

  Thursday, November 13

  DANE

  Thursdays were Dane’s best days.

  Because he didn’t have a first period and Thursday was a block day, he didn’t have school until 10:25 a.m. Lunch rolled around pretty quickly, and then his day was blessedly over. One more day of his prison sentence complete.

  As he and Ashley walked out of econ class together, Dane got the nerve up to ask her to lunch. They’d been making eye contact and having something between them ever since the college fair night. And now that Blake had dumped Ashley—word was he may have heard about their kiss at college fair night, making Dane equal parts happy and freaked out that he’d be murdered by Blake’s teammates—she was fair game. If he was going to make something happen with her, he was running out of senior year time. She looked beautiful on this warm November day, a simple white T-shirt, jeans, and sparkling diamond studs in each ear, peeking out from behind her long blonde hair.

  “So lunch?” he said, trying to act casual and nonchalant, while inside his stomach was clenched in a ball. He’d never be able to eat anything if she said yes, but that was a sacrifice he was willing to make. He’d worn his favorite plaid shirt and jeans; he knew he looked as good as he could. Dane pushed her hair away from her face and looked into her eyes.

  “Sure,” she said, licking her lips and smiling.

  Dane felt as if he’d fallen into a dream, as he heard himself say, “Great, let’s go.”

  He drove as fast as he could to Subway. As they hopped into a line filled with juniors and seniors, Dane scanned the crowd to be sure Blake wasn’t among them.

  “It’s so ridiculous how short lunch is,” Ashley said. “Thirty minutes to go somewhere, order, and eat. It’s stupid.”

  Dane fidgeted a bit with his shirt and felt awkward. He shoved his hands in his pockets so he wouldn’t appear overly animated. He really just wanted to kiss her. It was almost impossible to keep up with the conversation with the incessant chatter in his brain.

  “Dane?” Ashley said, smiling up at him. “I don’t think you’re listening to me.”

  “Oh, sorry, yes, well, I can’t believe I’m here with you,” Dane said before he could stop himself.

  “You’re so sweet. Have you heard from any colleges yet?” she asked. This question he heard, because it was the one question that could make the clouds cover the sun and the locust swarm into his life, signs that all hope was gone.

  “Nope. But like I said, I’m moving to LA,” he answered, his standard answer these days because he didn’t have another, and looked out the window to see if it was still sunny.

  “I bet you’ll get into one of those music schools and it will be great. If you’re in Boston and I’m in Boston, well,” Ashley said, leaning briefly against his shoulder, making the room sway. “My dad wants me to go back East. But Mom’s pushing for Stanford. I wish I knew what was the best for me.”

  His mom had been so much nicer lately, now that he thought about it. They hadn’t fought in at least a week. “My mom would be stoked if I got into Berklee College of Music. She’d pack my bags before I could.”

  “You get all your applications in?” Ashley asked.

  “Yeah, I did, reluctantly,” Dane said. His mom had been a bigger help in the process than he had realized. He didn’t know he’d need so much help getting the applications finished. But he didn’t want to talk about the whole college thing, not now, not ever. He knew he’d be rejected from all three of his schools, and then, maybe, his mom would see the light. Just then, Collin walked up next to them, a subtle way of cutting that would bum out the kids behind them in the line. They were all juniors, though, so they couldn’t say anything about it.

  “Yeah. But my mom wants to read my essay and I won’t let her. She’s being a real bitch about it,” Collin said as he joined the conversation.

  “My mom wrote my essay for me,” Dane said, laughing, until he noticed Collin’s expression. “Well, why not let her read it?”

  The group of juniors in front of them had started ordering and they were next in line. Collin stayed with them. “Why? Because it’s about her, that’s why. About how she never grew up, is bipolar, is a terrible mom. She’s still with that dick face she brought to the college fair.”

  Dane didn’t know what to say. He and Ashley exchanged looks. Collin seemed off, his eyes glassy and far away.

  “That’s tough, Collin. Sorry,” Ashley said.

  “It is what it is. And now this freak boyfriend. I’m about to lose it.”

  “What’ll you have?” the guy behind the counter asked Ashley, as it was their turn to order.

  “I still love her, you know,” Collin said. “I do. It’s just, well, the truth.”

  “That’s heavy,” Dane said, putting his hand on Collin’s shoulder. “You probably shouldn’t let her read it.”

  “Turkey bacon club on wheat,” Collin said and moved ahead of Dane in line. Dane knew Collin’s mom was different, but he thought it was in an exotic way. To him, she was a cross between an old supermodel like Cindy Crawford and a hippie. She was always nice, and sometimes had offered them food when he was over last year. Dane had never realized how hard it would be to be her son. Dane decided he’d buy Collin’s lunch along with Ashley’s.

  “Hey, don’t repeat that to anybody. I just told you. Thanks for lunch,” Collin said, hurrying to his car.

  After they left him in the parking lot, Dane and Ashley didn’t talk until they pulled into the line of traffic. Dane said, “I feel bad for Collin. He’s been skipping school. I think that’s why, the boyfriend. I think he feels like he has to protect his mom, like the roles are flip-flopped. I tried to talk to him, but you saw how he is. And he’s hanging out with that weird Doug guy.”

  “That kid is weird. Doug asked me if I knew where to get drugs, if I could get him Percocet because my dad is a doctor,” Ashley said, tearing open her bag of potato chips and offering him one.

  At the red light, Dane looked over at Ashley and grinned. He couldn’t believe she was sitting next to him, in his car, in public.

  “Thanks for going to lunch with me. A big move in high school terms, as you know,” Dane said, trying to keep his cheeks from turning red, to no avail.

  “Thanks for asking,” Ashley
said as Dane pulled into the parking lot. Ashley smiled and leaned over, kissing him on the cheek. Dane felt his entire face flush.

  “Thanks for lunch,” she said.

  They carried their sandwiches and chips in a bag and their Cokes in the other hand as they walked into the quad. They had class together next. Dane sat in the back next to Collin, and Ashley sat up front, of course. Dane wondered if at some point he could convince his cool teacher to let him move seats, so he could be next to Ashley.

  For the first time since he’d moved to Crystal Beach, Dane felt like he had arrived. With Ashley next to him, he could do anything. They’d all settled into their seats and Mr. Alcott was starting the lecture when a voice over the loudspeaker announced the school was on lockdown. It was as if they were on a movie set. Shouts and the sound of boots filled the hallway outside their classroom as fifteen cops, dressed all in black with helmets and vests, burst through the door.

  “Down, down on the ground!” a cop yelled.

  All of the kids dropped to the ground, screaming. Dane tried to make it over to Ashley but she was unreachable, five rows away.

  In the terrifying chaos, he heard his friend’s name being called.

  “Collin Joseph Wilson, we have a warrant for your arrest,” one of the faceless cops said. “The rest of you kids, return to your seats. Hands flat on the desk. No sudden moves.”

  Beside himself in the slow motion of shock, Dane watched as Collin stood up, his hands raised over his head. Dane’s Coke had spilled all over his desk when the cops had burst in, but he had no choice now but to sit down in the cold liquid, watching as the cops frisked Collin, put him in handcuffs, and pulled him roughly out of the classroom.

  Dane’s hands were shaking as he looked to the front, trying to catch Ashley’s eye. She was crying, shaking; and so were a lot of other kids in the room.

  “Shelter in place. Shelter in place,” the loudspeaker boomed. “We are still on lockdown.”

  In the corner of the room, Mr. Alcott stood up, brushed unseen dirt off of his pants and crossed to the front of the classroom, and locked the door. Dane wondered if Mr. Alcott had been in on this siege, this whatever it was, but decided from the look on the man’s face that he was just as terrified as the rest of them.

  This sort of thing did not happen at Crystal Beach High School. A kid Dane just bought lunch for, his best friend since he moved here, did not get handcuffed and led out by a SWAT team in the middle of school.

  As the minutes ticked away, with just the sounds of girls sobbing, the sad reality was, it had just happened. Dane wondered what was next.

  JUD

  Jud knew that there was to be a police raid at the high school today, but he felt detached from the situation, much as he felt detached from his family. He probably should have warned Ashley. His daughter would be freaked out, he knew. But he also knew she wasn’t a druggie, wouldn’t be caught up in anything; and, in fact, it could be good for her to get a real-world scare before she left for Boston. So he hadn’t said anything to anyone, especially not Sarah or Ashley.

  He’d been told the undercover drug sting would help clean up the town, scare these petty drug dealers into good behavior. Four of the top doctors living within the precinct and school district had been notified by the chief of police about the yearlong, confidential sting operation, in case anything went wrong, kids were injured, and they needed medical assistance. Jud was on standby for any plastic surgery needs, as an added precaution in case something went wrong and one of the criminal high schoolers did something foolish like wielding a gun or a knife. Jud couldn’t imagine a drug bust or a teenager with a gun or anything else happening in his perfect town.

  But, he hadn’t imagined anything bad happening to his perfect life until now, either. It seemed Sarah had woken up to the truth, or at least a part of it. She’d been different ever since he’d given her herpes.

  It was ironic, really, because ever since the scare with Brad Bennett threatening to expose him over a steak dinner, Jud had been more thankful for everything in his life: for his wife, hi daughter, his successful practice. He’d turned down seven speaking engagements just to spend more time with his family, and less time around other temptations. He was proud of himself. And now here he was, stealth local hero again, on call, knowing that if needed, he’d help put teenagers back together in the most beautiful way. He smoothed the front of his white coat and caught his own reflection in the glass and steel case mounted on the wall of his office. The case held many of his awards and honors. He smiled at his own reflection in the shiny trophies, admiring his good looks. He was blessed.

  But his effort to refocus on his marriage didn’t seem to be working. Their date at the Halloween party was a disaster. She was supposed to be alone, his angel waiting by the tree with orange lights. When he finally found her at the bar with another man, a weirdo in a Ninja Turtle costume of all things, he’d gone ballistic. Quietly, of course, his rage was only audible to her. It shut her down and she’d slept in the guest bedroom that night, and every night since. He couldn’t explain why he had become so jealous, why he viewed every man as his competition, but that’s how he felt right now. He felt under siege himself, but it was all stemming from his wife. A woman who hadn’t asked a question about their life from the moment they married. The same woman who was now snooping into his business affairs, he discovered, when he walked into his closet and found her rummaging through his briefcase. Of all things. She’d said she was looking for Ashley’s graduation packet, but she knew he wouldn’t have that. It was enough to make him crazy. He needed to get her under control, and the only way he could do that was to exert his power.

  But it wasn’t working. He felt a stab in his heart, a sharp pain he’d been having for a few weeks. It was nothing, he had told himself. But what if it was a heart attack? he wondered. He moved his left arm, certain he’d felt a tingle. He felt a stab in his chest again, and that’s when he was certain he was about to die. He needed to get to the emergency room. He had too much to live for, too much to hide. His office walls started to close in on him as he staggered from behind his desk and hurried to the door. Tom was seated where he always was, behind his desk, looking amazing.

  “Jud, what’s wrong?” he asked, jumping to his feet.

  But Jud couldn’t answer; everything blinked black as he felt himself falling to the ground.

  He awoke in a hospital bed, his head aching and his eyesight blurry. It took a moment for him to realize where he was, and what had happened. It took another moment before he started to climb out of bed, pulling on the IVs attached to his veins.

  “Hey, hey, not so fast, Dr. Nelson,” said a nurse bursting into the room. “You need to lay back down. You have a nasty concussion.”

  “I’m fine. How’s my heart? Did I have an attack?” Jud said, feeling the room shift, forcing him to lie back on the bed.

  “No, all of your vitals are normal, but we’re going to monitor you just in case. Your wife is here, and asked to be notified when you woke up. I’ll call her now and she’ll come fill you in.” The nurse, Betsy according to her nametag, patted his hand like a small child while reaching for the bedside phone. “Please tell Mrs. Nelson her husband is awake. Yes. Uh huh. Okay.”

  She looked like she’d seen a ghost.

  “What?” Jud asked, as the nurse replaced the receiver.

  “Your wife will be up shortly,” she said, and hurried out of the room.

  Jud felt like an idiot. He was an idiot. He’d given himself a panic attack and fainted in front of Tom. He punched the bed, the only thing he could manage, tethered as he was by all the wires and machines.

  The door burst open and Sarah flew to his side, burying her head on his shoulder. She had been crying and still was; Jud could tell from the dampness on his shoulder, the puffiness of her eyes. He hugged her tightly until she pulled away, sitting up next to him on the hospital bed.

  “I know how strained we’ve been, but I can’t believe I almost los
t you. They called me and said you’d had a heart attack. It wasn’t until I got here that they told me you hadn’t,” Sarah said, her blue eyes bloodshot, wide, and blinking. She was wearing a tennis outfit, a short white skirt and a long-sleeved, blue Lululemon shirt. She looked fit and terrified.

  “I’m fine, honey, just the stress of the past few weeks, I suppose,” Jud said, taking both of her hands in his, the IV in his right hand making it an awkward embrace.

  Sarah started crying again, but managed, “I’m sorry. It’s my fault.”

  Yes, it was her fault, Jud realized. A few moments of silence passed between them. Jud realized he should say something. He said, “That’s all right. You didn’t mean to do it.”

  “No, I didn’t,” Sarah said. Suddenly her voice was calm, and strong. She wiped her tears with a tissue and Jud felt the room shift. He couldn’t allow her to feel powerful again. “They tell me you’ll be released tomorrow, after another night of observation. I need to go home to Ashley. The school was on lockdown today, quite frightening. Kids arrested, handcuffed in front of their class. Some of them are her friends. Anyway, I’m glad you’ll be all right and I’ll come pick you up tomorrow.”

  Jud suddenly realized he had created a life that would leave him alone in the end. His wife was choosing someone else to comfort instead of him. He was the one in the hospital, after all. He could have died; but now that he hadn’t, now that he was sort of okay, she didn’t really seem to care. That made him realize he had nowhere else to turn, except Tom. Perhaps he would come up and visit, and bring him work of course. As he listened to the comforting sound of the machine monitoring his beating, normal heart, he smiled.

  “That’s okay. I don’t need you here. I’ll be fine. Can you hand me my phone? I’ll just call Tom. He’ll be over, just to bring me work, that’s it,” Jud said. Sarah looked into his eyes, her brow furrowed.