by Brown, Tara
"COME ON TINK!" Lance is screaming like a mad man.
I swing out once but the gloves weigh a serious ton. Brandon connects when I swing and knocks me in the eye. I stagger back as the kids groan. Brandon stops hitting. I see red. It takes me a second to get my eyes to stop seeing stars. I jump up and fly at him. I'm screaming like a savage. Only I'm not punching. I'm swatting like a girl. He screams and turtles, as I lose it.
I feel hands grab me. I'm kicking and shouting. Lance is holding me back. He's laughing so hard he's shaking me. The boys are laughing. Except Brandon. He looks pissed. My eye is swelling. I'm still like a savage animal. I'm snarling and snapping like a rabid dog.
Lance is shaking me and pinning my arms. Brandon comes at me. He pulls back his arm. I see the fist coming at me and duck. My arms come free from Lance. I tackle Brandon to the ground and pin him there. The boys are cheering and laughing. My red spit comes out of my mouth guard. I lift my glove to my mouth, disgusted, "Oh my god, I'm shorrry." He is trying to shield himself from the spit I'm shooting everywhere. I scream and jump off, "I'm shorrry."
He flinches and scrambles to his feet.
Lance has taken a knee. Angelo and Eli are both watching. My eye hurts. I shake my hands at Lance, "I want out."
He laughs, harder. I'm trapped in the stupid gloves and bleeding and swelling and poor Brandon is far worse for wear.
Chapter Twenty
"If he hit you, you can tell me." I glance at her in the mirror and laugh. "For reals, it was a fourteen-year old little shit. I blame Eli, but it was a little boy."
Her arms are crossed. She pulls her phone out and texts, "I just don’t see why you didn’t leave."
I sigh, "Because they called me Tinkerbell and made fun of me. All the women there looked like dudes. I was the only girl with girlie arms. I had to try. What would you have done if they called you Tinkerbell?"
She laughs, "You know, you do look like Tinkerbell."
Horror is spread across my face in the mirror. She puts her hands up defensively and goes to her side of the room. I dust the huge bruise under my eye with my powder cover up, but nothing seems to be working. I sigh, "Sebastian is going to be meeting me here in like twenty-minutes and I look like a victim of domestic violence. He's gonna look like a monster."
She laughs, "Dude, no one is gonna think that."
I arch an eyebrow at her in the mirror.
"Okay they will, but screw them. Who cares. You're Million Dollar Baby."
I roll my eyes, "I was so Million Dollar Baby. It wasn’t even funny. I was a natural, let me tell you."
She laughs at the sarcasm dripping off each word. She gets up and applies makeup to my eye. She steps back and nods, "There. No one will even see it." She slumps back on her bed.
I inspect the job she has done and nod, "I was the worst boxer…ever…to grace the rings of that club. Or any." I hear a noise. I look around, "Do you hear that?"
"It's your phone." She doesn’t look up from playing with hers.
I frown, "I gave it back."
Her eyebrows raise but her tone is nonchalant, "Yeah, huge shocker he managed to sneak it back on you."
Standing up and crossing the room, I mutter. "Dick." I squeeze the pockets of my coat but nothing. Hearing it again, I glance at my Ugg and a sneer crosses my face. I tilt the boot back and the iPhone falls out into my hand.
"Sneaky sneakerton." I whisper and turn it over.
'I need to see you tonight'
I shake my head and text him back, 'No. I have a date with Sebastian.' My stomach twinges imagining what he'll do to me if I see him. How much further into the darkness he will pull me.
'Where are you going?'
I purse my lips and ask Shell, "Where are we going tonight?"
She doesn’t look up, "Liquor Store."
"That’s a bar?" Doesn’t sound like a bar.
She nods and keeps playing with her phone.
'Liquor Store…'
'No. They have a mechanical bull. Think about how classy that is.'
I roll my eyes and mock his right to call anything classy. I put the phone in my pocket. The warmth of it is a comfort. It vibrates more, he's calling. I ignore it. I pull on my coat and boots.
"You can't wear that." She glances up and points at the boots. I look down and shake my head, "It's freezing out there. I'm wearing boots."
She gets up and passes me a pair of ballet flats, "Wear these at least. With the boots, dude, they won't even let you in."
I snatch them and put them on. My feet are cold, in our warm room. She opens the door and grins at me. I am fighting an army of butterflies in my stomach. I don’t even want to face him but I know I need to. I need to face my fears more often.
Sebastian is mulling around the front of the building with a guy I've never met. I assume he's Vince.
When Sebastian's hazel eyes meet mine, I can see the hesitation in them. It doesn’t surprise me. I can't blame him at all.
He looks like he did the first date, casual. I like this look better. He's mellow and comfortable. It reminds me of Audrey Tatou and lazy kisses and ice cream.
Shell smirks, "Vince, Sebastian, and my BFF Em…er…Sarah." I laugh. Sebastian raises his eyebrows and watches me. He offers me a hand, looking at Shell, "We've introduced ourselves already."
Vince looks smug and Italian. I roll my eyes and take Sebastian's hand. Vince grabs her butt and kisses her neck. I scowl. I want to rip his hand away. My eyes dart nervously for the SUV.
"Can we get a ride, Sarah?" Shell asks sweetly.
I look at her horrified and shake my head, "No. Absolutely not." I get her loyalty to me, but I won't torture Stuart. Not even if he tortured me.
Sebastian points, "I drove over. I can get us there." I smile at him and ignore the constant vibration in my pocket.
We walk to the car and I feel lost in my abilities to have a conversation. The guilt is heavy and uncomfortable. I hate how close we are to Shell and Vince but I need to get it off my chest. I squeeze his arm, "I'm sorry. I'm an emotional tard."
He squeezes back, "It's all adjustments. Tiny adjustments. So what's the plan? I thought we were going to talk?"
"Shell wants to double date. New guy. She doesn't like going alone with new guys. I don’t like it when she does either."
He nods, "Yeah, god forbid you both end up kidnapped this year."
I try to see if there was any humor in his voice or if it was all bitterness. I shake it off and smile, "Anyway, I was thinking why not. Why not just do something normal? You're normal and I want to be normal and bars and dancing are normal."
He laughs, "You and the normal. You have got to get past that."
Vince interrupts us with an excited question, "Dude is this you?" He points at the small silver SUV looking car Sebastian is leading us to.
I see him in a new light when he grins and presses the unlock button. I glance at Shell, but she looks confused like I am. It's a car. Apparently it might not be just a car. Not the way Vince is laughing and nodding approvingly. "Wow. Awesome."
I'm lost. Maybe it's some kind of special car.
Sebastian opens the passenger door for me. The inside is leather and smells new. I frown, "You decided against the hybrid for this?"
He walks around and sits inside smirking as Vince leans forward, "This is the 2013 Porsche Cayenne. It's a hybrid. Dude, this is a sweet ride." It's like listening to people speak another language.
Sebastian shrugs, "It's awesome and badass, but it's good for the environment. It's not a Caymann. But I figured with the way winter is here and back in Maine, this was the better choice. Besides I can always buy a Caymann next year." He sounds like he's gloating a bit. It's weird seeing him be that way. He's always so humble and normal.
I smile, "You got the hybrid?" I like that.
He nods, "I wasn’t sure if you remembered that boring talk we had, but I did. I went out after I left and bought it."
I look ahead, "I remember. It's a nice
car."
"Thanks." He looks in the rearview at Shell and Vince, "Where are we going?"
"Where do you want to go? You're twenty-one. We're not. We kind of wanted to go to Liquor Store."
His lip twitches, "Vince? You probably know better than I do. I don’t go out much."
Vince nods, "Yeah. Let's do Rain or Liquor Store."
Sebastian puts the car in drive and nods, "Liquor Store it is." He handles the snow and wind like a pro. The car is very nice. I can't help but get excited. He's normal and squeaky and responsible. Shell would call him Vanilla. I like Vanilla. You know what you're getting into with it. You can add anything to it. It doesn’t spank you and make you like it.
My phone vibrates and I fight the sick fact I like the control. I look back at Sebastian and know it'll never be a power struggle with him. It'll be a partnership.
When we get to the bar I see it's exactly like Eli said it would be. It's not seedy but it's also not classy. Sebastian looks around and drinks from his beer. I nudge him, "So are you horribly rich?"
He glances at me and takes another swig.
"I've been meaning to talk to you about all of this."
I feel my walls starting to build as my emotions lay the foundation bricks.
He shakes his head, "I'm not a student at the university. I never was."
The next layer of bricks is mortared and dry. My wall is going up fast. '
He grabs my hand, "No…stop. Don’t look at me like that. You assumed I was in school. I could tell you were…different, so I never corrected you. I didn’t want to scare you off." He says it in an ever so slightly patronizing tone.
I don’t like that. I remind myself it might be that I'm pissed and being jaded, like I do with Shell. I swallow the anger and let him finish.
"My company is doing work for the school. We are helping them design a new intranet. I own a company. My family lives in Maine. I'm a fisherman's son. Regular guy."
I scowl, "How old are you?"
"Twenty-six."
I nod and think. "Why were you using the gym like a student?"
He blushes, "The dean told me I could use the facilities whenever I wanted."
"Twenty-six." I say slowly. My brain is trying to wrap around it all. My twentieth birthday is in a week. He's six-years older than I am. Eli is five-years older. It's not creepy older but I still feel off about the lying.
I can't breathe very well processing it all. He takes another drink and instantly I notice he's drinking too fast. "You're driving right?" I ask.
He shakes his head, "No. I had someone come and get the car and put it in the parking under my building. I have a ride coming to get us later.
I don’t know how I feel. I don’t know where to put everything.
"Are you pissed?" He watches my face.
"About the car or the lies?"
He laughs. He looks at me and shakes his head, "I never told you I went to the school. I have never lied to you."
I point at him but my words get stuck. I sigh, "You knew I thought you went to school. I asked you how things were and you knew I meant classes. You knew."
"I did, but you seemed really comfortable with that idea and all I wanted was for you to be comfortable."
"I need to go to the bathroom." I walk away, before he grabs my arm and drags me to a corner to explain.
I glare at Shell. She runs off the dance floor, following me to the bathroom.
I almost wish we'd brought the paper bags, just in case of a moment like this. I feel like I don’t know him at all. I hate that.
"What?"
I cross my arms and look at myself in the mirror. "I do look like Tinkerbell."
She laughs, "You did not interrupt my rubbing against Vincent's massive erection for this conversation."
I snort and fake sob. I give her my best pathetic orphan face, "Sebastian doesn’t go to our school."
"I don’t understand."
"He's like twenty-six and owns a company and he's super successful."
"Are you complaining?"
"He lied Shell."
Her jaw drops, "How in the fuck do you keep scoring the hotties with the wallets. Damn. Girl, Vince doesn’t even have a car. Sebastian has a job already. He owns his shit. Vince wants to be a gym teacher and Stuart is a chauffeur. Your chauffeur."
My face is red. I grimace. I have no defense. She doesn’t see how much all those things are just things to me. They don’t belong in the world that I do, so I don’t notice them the same way she does. I don’t place value on them.
"He lied." I mutter again.
She throws her hands in the air, "OH MY GOD! HE LIED! YES, LET'S STRING HIM UP FOR TRYING TO CODDLE THE ORPHAN!" She turns to leave but looks back at me, "This is crackers dick. You don’t want to date him. You want to date Eli. He doesn’t stand a chance. You'll find something wrong with him no matter what. Like Pinterest says, 'Look at that bitch, eating her crackers and shit.' This is crackers." She storms out.
I look at my reflection and force myself to think about it. I want to end it and just walk away. It'll be his fault. I can make a clean break if he lied and he's to blame. I'd be able to walk away from the commitment and intimacy and still be free from the baggage I bring.
I nod at myself, "She's right." I walk out of the bathroom and stalk across the bar. It's one of those moments where you need a killer song and a hot pair of boots, to stomp across the bar with, to make the scene complete.
Unfortunately, the song is lame and I'm wearing ballet flats. I don’t let that take away from the strength and fearlessness I am exuding. I see his eyes widen when he sees me come across the bar at him. He sets down his drink, preparing.
But I do the unexpected. I grab his face and pull it down on mine. I suck him in with my kiss. His arms wrap around me, lifting me. My chest is crushed again his. His hands cup my ass, squeezing harder than I would have imagined him capable of. I moan into his mouth. His hands knead and massage.
He lets me go and I slide down his torso. He licks his lips and looks past me, "What the hell was in that bathroom?"
I laugh, "Common sense. I was in short supply."
He beams, "You okay?"
I scowl, "I'm not breakable. Stop coddling me because I'm an orphan."
He puts his hands in the air, "I swear, never again. In fact it's a bit of a relief. I can finally start acting like a dick around you." I laugh. His eyes sparkle like Santa and his manners are impeccable. He's perfect.
My thoughts are broken by the sound of shouts and cheering.
"Oh shit." He mutters. I spin and gasp. Michelle is on the bull in her bra and jeans. My hands are hovering at my mouth, in horror. I still can't touch my fingers to my lips in a public place, but that’s common flu season sense.
Michelle is bucking and riding the bull. Her fuchsia bra is bouncing up and down.
"Oh my god."
He's laughing. I can feel the vibration, "Wow." She is getting sloppy and laughing. Vince is cheering her on.
My face is red. I rip my phone out and send a text.
'Maybe you should get Stuart to come get Shell.'
'Call her Michelle. No. Stuart's hurt. I'm not doing that to him. We need to talk.'
'No. I'm hurt. I'm not doing that to me.'
I pocket my phone, "We should take her home."
He looks at my pocket, "Who was that?"
Pursing my lips, I sigh. "That was my benefactor. I haven’t been honest either. But we need to leave and take that with us." I point at her.
He laughs, "She's having fun. Mellow out. The bull rides are free and you win a prize if you take your shirt off."
His arm is against the wall, trapping me in.
I close my eyes and just get it out, "The guy who was there when I was little. The one who saved me. He's my benefactor. He takes care of me." I open one eye and watch his face. The loud music, and raucousness being caused by Shell, is annoying. I wish we were alone for this moment.
He looks like he's
processing. He drinks a swig of beer, "Okay. I'm an adult who owns a company and you're a benefactor-having-orphan. Do you moonlight as a superhero?"
I shake my head.
He blinks a couple times and looks down on me, "Anything else?"
I chew my lip, shaking my head. I'm not telling him the rest. We will cross the dirty bitch bridge if he spanks me and gets a surprising reaction.
He bends and brushes his face against mine, "Was it him you were texting on all our dates and all the time?"
I nod and wait.
"Is it strictly financial? The two of you?"
I shake my head, "No. We're…uh…close." I don’t know how to tell him that we have PTSD sex and he spanks me, but that there is no relationship beyond misplaced intimacy and a bizarre friendship.
He's killing me with his processing and hot breath on my neck.
He stands up straight again and drinks another big gulp before he talks. "Okay. It's weird and I don’t know that I can ever understand. But I'm going to just trust you and that you and I are together."
I don’t have any response for him. I don’t know what we are.
Shell gets off the bull and grabs Vince. She plants a huge kiss on his lips and the bar erupts in a cheer. I smile. I don’t have a choice. Even if she's insane, I love her so much. I love her freedom. Nothing weighs more than a feather would in her mind.
She pulls on her shirt and grins at me. She nods at the bull. Instantly my cheeks are hot. I shake my head and pray she isn’t going to make a scene. She sees me shut it down and laughs. People are dancing and forgetting about the gorgeous topless girl who just rode the bull like a pro.
"Let me know when you're ready to go."
I force a smile across my face, I know it doesn’t reach my eyes. "Let's dance."
He looks at the dance floor and nods, "You sure?"
I grab his beer and put it on the bar and drag him to the dance floor. I happen to love the song playing. It's Don't Worry About the Child by Swedish House Mafia, and it's amazing. We dance without touching but then the next song comes on, Scream and Shout by Britney and Will.I.Am. My hips start to bounce on their own.