by Brown, Tara
I understand the phrase booty pop. I'm popping mine. A trickle of sweat tickles its way down my back. The crowd of people surrounds me. It makes me nervous but we move together. We pause together. The music controls us all like marionettes. Hands grip at my hips, pulling me into him.
I glance back at Sebastian. His eyes are on fire. It makes me smile. My nerves get worse, but it isn’t the crowd. It's the hands pulling me backwards, into his groin. He grinds me against him to the beat. My arms are in the air. I wanna scream and shout too. I want him to make me scream and shout.
The slow part of the song hits. I reach back and grip my arms around his neck. His hands wrap around me, sliding against my belly but still pulling me into him. It's me moving my hips, grinding against him. The beat picks up again. I pull away and dance. It's fun. The girl next to me bumps into me. I wince, but let it go. My throat is thick with nerves, terror and the anticipation that is coming from the look in his eyes. I can see that he wants me.
It's the greatest panic attack I've ever had. He's not the most amazing dancer but he's there. His hands are in the air, making him look seven feet tall. He looks normal. Being at the bar with him is normal. It feels freeing until I catch myself looking at his shoulders and thinking about holding them while he's pinning me to a wall. He may be normal but I may never be.
He catches my glance and laughs, shaking his head. The song blends into Olly Murs, Troublemaker. I love this song. He points at me and mouths, "You are this girl."
I open my mouth offended, "Hey." He pulls me closer. The song is awesome just not sexy like Scream and Shout was, but it's fun. I glance at Shell and Vince dancing. He's an amazing dancer.
"Want to go?" Sebastian whispers into my neck. I give the moment pause to give the decision a fair amount of debate. Will I actually be able to sleep with him? No.
I shake my head, "No." He looks disappointed but he's too kind to let the look stay there.
Chapter Twenty-One
I finish proofing my essay and click save. I close my laptop and sit in the feelings I'm having. I don’t have a decision made. I don’t have a choice I want more than the other. But I'm not dating both. So I will wait it out. I nod at myself, like a crazy woman. I've spent the entire day avoiding Sebastian's attempts at getting me to come over. I know what he wants and I don’t know if I can do it. Not so soon after doing it with Eli. I'm not like Shell.
I pick up my phone, it's vibrated non-stop. There are tons of messages and voicemails. Sebastian has my number now. I gave it to him without Eli's permission. I'm a rebel.
The newest text is from Eli. 'Meet me now.'
Instead of giving the request thought, I get up, pull on my coat and run down the stairs. When I cross the street, to where Stuart stands outside the SUV, I notice he looks different. Less of everything, confidence, life, energy, and even muscle mass. His lean gorgeous glow is replaced with something sad and empty.
The snow falls on our heads. The sounds surrounding us are plenty but it feels like I can hear the snow falling in our little world, where it's just he and I on the sidewalk. I touch his coat sleeve and smile. "She's trying to make you jealous. That says something. If she didn’t want you jealous, she wouldn’t be flaunting him about."
His eyes flinch, "I just messed up so bad. I should have told her about it. I should have just made her more than him."
I shake my head, "It was authentic with her being scared. She is a terrible actress. Terrible. I would have seen through her act. I wouldn’t have feared for my life and felt like I lost everything."
He looks me in the eyes, showing me his pain. "I am so sorry. I swear I will never do that again."
I shake my head, "It worked. Do you know how hard it was to live with the lonely? Everyday was the biggest disappointment. Everyday those eyes haunted me but I couldn’t place them. The curtain in my mind was more like a steel wall. You saved me, Stuart. And she will come around when she sees that."
He opens the door, "Thanks." I lean in on my tiptoes and kiss his cheek, "Thank you. You always will be the hands in the dark that saved me from the lonely." I climb in and wait.
He drives us in silence.
My jaw clenches seeing Eli's building. My palms are sweating but when he opens the door I climb out. My body works against me. It's on autopilot. It wants him, more than anything.
I cross to the foyer, slowly and press the button. When the doors open he's standing inside. He holds a hand out of the elevator doors. I put my hand in his. He squeezes and pulls me inside. The doors close. The silence is thick and painful.
"I'm sorry." He says, maybe to me, maybe to the elevator. I don’t look at him. I look at our bizarre reflections in the brushed metal. I smile remembering what it looked like when were crawling all over each other.
The elevator dings and he pulls me inside. He walks me to the living room, I guarantee no one ever sits in but me. He doesn’t let go. He sits and drags me with him. We sit on the dark-burgundy leather in silence. It doesn’t feel like empty silence. It's filled with all the things we won't ever say to each other. We don’t talk like normal people. Normal couples. There will never be anything normal between us.
I glance at the snow on my boots and frown, "I should take my shoes off."
"No." He says it brusquely.
I flinch. He sighs and speaks. Still not looking at me. "What do you want?"
I turn and face him, adjusting how I sit so I can see him. He looks different. I don’t have an answer. I just pray he speaks again so I don’t have to.
"What do you want, Sarah?"
I shake my head, "What do you mean?" My voice is timid and small. My stomach is in my throat.
"I mean in life, in general. What do you want?"
I think he's about to say he won't spank me anymore. He won't touch me anymore. His grip on my hand is firm and intense. I want us so close we are like one person again. I want his skin against mine.
"I want you." I whisper. It's ballsy and I've never been ballsy.
He nods, "You want the things I can offer? You can live without the others?"
My mind halts, the others? Does he mean the wishes I made a thousand times for normalcy? The normal I have craved for so long? Can I live without it?
"No. I want both." I need to choose me.
He shakes his head, "There's no both. There's what's here and what's out there."
"Why do you want me? You have all that stuff down that hallway for a reason. You have all those things for a reason. You obviously didn’t get them to be with me. You've had them for a while. I doubt you're in desperate need of girls to submit to you." I don’t mention the fact his capabilities, as a lover are outstanding and intense, like a roller coaster would be.
A grin plays with his lips, "It's not something I care to discuss or explain."
I hate his walls. I jerk my hand away. He flexes his, like he's letting blood back in after gripping mine so hard. I stand up, "Well then, I guess we're done with this. Why don’t you call the doc for me?" I stomp away. I push the elevator button. I hear him get up. He wants me angry. He wants me to play along. He wants me to get pissed and end up bent over his dirty fucking bed. I am angry, but not in the way that he wants. I'm sick of him. I tap the button like always. He's standing behind me. I can feel the heat of him towering over me.
He's going to rush me into the elevator and strip my clothes off. I'm shaking with fury that's so close to the surface, my blood is bubbling.
My fists are clenched.
The elevator comes. I take a deep breath and step in. I turn and face him. He doesn’t move.
"Why did you even want me to come over?" I ask and hold the door. I don’t know why I'm bothering, but he's making me so angry.
His eyes flicker, "I followed you and watched you last night. You were having fun and being free and you looked normal. I wanted to see it up close."
I step back and let the doors close. His hands shoots in and stops the door. My skin crawls. His face is hard and sm
ug like the man in the chair.
"I want you to pick me."
My back is pressed against the cold steel wall, "And live a half life?"
His eyes flicker. He's getting angry. He looks like a monster. "I can give you everything."
I grip the steel shelf that left bruises on my butt and thighs. "Except the one thing I want. I want you. Can you give me yourself the way I've been able to give myself? I don't have any dark corners left. You've invaded them all."
"I want to be enough for you. I want it too." He pulls his hand back and the elevator closes. I could cry on the floor. I know he would come and get me. He would hold me and comfort me. In some ways, he needs me to be that weak girl who needs him to protect her.
I storm across the foyer and out into the cold wind and snow.
"Dr. Bradley's, please." I mutter and climb inside the SUV.
He drives and lets me stew. He doesn’t speak. I'm grateful.
I jump out, almost running for her building. I'm near tears when I open the door and tap the shit out of the elevator button.
I feel like something is chasing me, and if the elevator doesn’t get there, it will get me.
The door opens. She's inside. She looks confused but trying to be pleasant.
"Sarah?"
I jump inside and take huge breaths. I didn’t realize I was holding my breath.
"Are you feeling alright?"
I shake my head, "I need you." I've never said those words before. We ride up to her office and I hustle into my chair. I slump in it and then I'm up. I'm pacing.
"He has me driven insane. He wants to be with me but then he won't let me in. He won't be with me. He'll have sex with me." I pause and look at her, "No. He'll fuck me. He'll fuck me and make me crazy, but he's always got the control. I never get any. He doesn’t relinquish an ounce of it. Is this still part of the game to make me better? I feel like I'm getting worse. You should really take this part out." I feel sick imagining him with the other female patients. I sit again and cup my face in my hands. My breath is lost and erratic.
She walks across the room and sits quietly. She watches me. Her eyes are scaring me. "You have been having sexual relations with Mr. Adams? Actual sex?"
I look up, mouth-agape, "How did you not clue into that? I've been strung out on him for months. Even when he was just the benefactor…even then." I can't finish the rest of the sentence.
"As a protector and a torturer. Not as a lover. Not a real one. The goal was to push you to the brink and make you walk the rest of the way."
She has never let me see behind the curtain before. It feels like the Wizard of Oz and I'm just now seeing the little man and disappointment is everywhere. There is no Wizard. There is only the plan that was clearly hatched by a couple people, who don’t have clue what they're doing.
"So you had no part in the seduction of the poor orphan?"
She crosses her arms, she is losing the control. He's taken it from her as well. Or maybe this time it's me.
"I would have strongly discouraged anything between you two. He sees you as his little sister in a lot of ways."
That makes me almost vomit. I breathe it back.
"He saved you. You replaced her in his heart. His protective instincts are brotherly. He is still very sick and needs a lot of care. He has never made it as far as you have, ever. His control issues have remained firm and rigid. Saving you has been the only mission in his life, since he found you. Before that it was all about finding you. He maintained your existence, even when the rest of us believed you to be a creation of his mind. Even finding you though, he has not come alive again. All he cares about is saving you, like he never did his sister. He does nothing for himself."
Images are flashing behind my eyes. The boxing ring felt like we were friends. Siblings no, but it felt like friends. The texts have never been anything more than that, if I was lucky. I'm nearly gagging. My hands are shaking. How did I miss it?
"Did he punish you, sexually?"
My eyes betray me and answer her question.
She nods, "He has a thing with that. He was punishing you as Emalyn, for dying and making him a failure."
I wish I were the one who died.
She sighs and continues, "Not to mention how you feel about him. He saved you. You will never see the man, only the hero. You will forgive him his flaws too easily. I imagined that was what you were feeling. Not true lust. I honestly didn’t think you were capable of true lust. This is progress for you, even if it's twisted and bizarre. Considering the dirty house and all." I'm up and walking to the elevator.
"You need to stay away from him until I can help him." She calls after me.
I feel sick and dirty. My fingers tap the button in a disturbing panic. My fingertip goes numb.
The elevator opens. I step in and fight the tears. I run across the parking lot, away from the SUV. Stuart doesn’t see me. His head is down. I run hard and fast. My boots are killing my feet, but I run until I can't. Then I pull out my cell phone and call him. I'm frozen and pacing on the sidewalk.
"Yes." He is cold.
"You think of me as your sister? You've fucked me, imagining I'm your sister?"
"What? What are you talking about?"
"Doctor Bradley, she told me that you think of me as the sister who died. You've replaced me in your heart as your sister and you love me like that. You protect me like that." I'm huffing and puffing and blowing steam in an angry circle.
"You told Dr. Bradley about us? What we did at my house?" His vice is still cold.
"ANSWER ME, FOR FUCK'S SAKE! DID YOU FUCK ME AND THINK ABOUT YOUR SISTER?"
My ear is pressed into the phone but I know he's gone. He's hung up on me, again. My tears are blocking my throat up. I'm wheezing and pacing. My heart is broken in a thousand pieces. I crouch onto the ground and sit on my heels.
"Sarah?" I look up. Stuart is pulled over on the side of the road. I laugh. I laugh hard and psychotically.
He's parked illegally and running across the street. He grabs my arm and lifts me.
"What happened?" He looks concerned, but I just laugh.
He takes my cell from my gripped hand and dials.
"Meet me at the place I always park. She's upset." He hangs up.
I laugh harder. He's called Eli. Eli who has made me dirty and yet somehow broken my heart in it all.
Stuart helps me across the street and into the SUV. He drives fast. He pulls up in front of the dorms. Michelle is there. She looks worried.
Stuart opens the door for me but I get out on my own. "I'm fine." I say.
Michelle looks at Stuart with daggers but he shakes his head, "I don’t know."
"They just keep fucking with me. They won't let it go." I turn and grab Stuart's coat, "Thank you for everything. Don’t be offended if I don’t want a ride or to see you. Please."
He shakes his head, "I get it."
Michelle puts a hand out for me. I look at it. I shake my head, "I can walk alone." I hug myself and trek across the road and the snow-covered grass.
My dorm is a haven. It's the only place I feel safe, with or without Shell. I curl into my bed and turn on the TV. Shell comes into the room, watching me.
"I'm fine." I say and turn on the Xbox.
"You're clearly not fine. Spill." She sits in the way of the TV. I stare past her. I can't let her see inside of me. I can't let her see what's in there and what I have allowed to happen. What sick fetish filth I have let overcome me.
My jaw trembles slightly. I know she can see me. She is the only one.
"He doesn’t love me." I whisper.
"It's more than that?"
"He really sees me as his sister."
She pauses and takes it in, "What do you mean?"
I can't pull the words back. I've let them out. I'm panicking about the fact she's processing them and I hate the things I have allowed. The things she will see any second when she puts it altogether. She will see me for the weak girl I am. But in the end I
need someone. Someone I can process it with.
"Sarah, what do you mean?" She presses me.
I keep my eyes covered and continue, "He wanted me to be his sister, like he sees me as her. When he saved me it was like he saved her. But when he punished me, he was really punishing her. I am her." My head is twitching.
In my peripheral I see her face. It's filled with the disgust I knew it would be. "Sick bastard," she whispers.
I close my eyes but feel her weight on the bed. She wraps around me and kisses my forehead, "Forget him, withdraw from school and stop taking his money. This isn’t worth it. You were better off with the lonely."
I nod, "I know."
Shell looks off into space and mutters, "I'm going to go kill him now. So I'll be back and we can talk about this then."
I grip her and shake my head, "No. Don’t leave."
"I need him to bleed and suffer."
I shake my head, "I let him do it. I let him punish me like I was her." I've said too much.
Her fingers dig into my arms, "What? You mean the therapy thing? I told you that doctor was a quack. I knew it."
Tears seep through the squeezed lids. "It's so much worse than that. When we had sex, I let him spank me and be rough and punish me. I let him hurt me and be rough with me." My voice has become nothing but a shell of what it once was. I don’t have the bravery to talk to her aloud.
"He hurt you? Sexually?"
I suck my breath and nod, "I liked it. So much is wrong with me." I'm heaving and shaking.
She holds me, "Wait…so you… liked being dominated? Dude…everyone likes that."
I shake my head, "I liked being spanked and held down." I'm so ashamed but I'm grateful I can't see through the blinding tears.
She pulls me back sharply. My eyes jerk open. She's smiling and fighting a giggle, "Everyone likes that."
I can't speak anymore.
"I love being spanked. I don’t like to talk about it. I don’t ever want to discuss it again, but you need to see. Everyone likes it. Those smutty books sell because women wish their husbands had half the balls the men in those books do."
I stop. I think she's telling the truth, but I doubt its validity.