The Lonely

by Brown, Tara

  I lean over the seat between him and Jake, "What?"

  Stuart glances at me, "Seatbelt."

  I growl, "Where is he going? Is he coming with us?"

  He shakes his head and gulps.

  I sit back and look at Shell. She looks upset. She knows and hasn’t told me. My stomach is in a ball. He's leaving for somewhere without me? I've made a mistake. I was trying to be stronger than I am. He's leaving me. He's choosing survival over me. Like I did.

  Stuart pulls up to the departures, "We'll get your shit, just run." I leap over Lyle and run into the airport.

  I pull my phone out and text while I run.

  'Where r u?'

  I run faster until I get to the check-in area and I'm not sure which way to go. I am standing looking at the departure gates screen when my phone vibrates.

  'Please text like an adult. R U? Really?"

  I start to laugh.

  'Look behind you.'

  I turn and smile. He's standing against the pillar with the posters of the missing kids. It's weird and delightful.

  I leap at him. His arms wrap around me, pulling me into him. I tilt my face up. He kisses and holds me like we are paused.

  I melt into him.

  "Where are you going?" I ask against his mouth.

  "To live with some mean-ass nuns for a while."

  I laugh into his face and cry, "A year?"

  He kisses my forehead and grins, "You said it was what I needed. I don’t think it'll be a year. A few months though. I can't take too long from work."

  I pull back and look at him, "I didn’t think you'd take me seriously."

  He arches a dark eyebrow, "I take everything you say seriously. Well, when you speak like adult."

  I bite my lip. I'm panicking inside, "Are you calling my bluff? I don’t want you to go. I want to come or you to stay."

  He laughs and grabs my hands, "Sarah, I need this. I need to see with the perspective you have. There are people who have it worse and I need to be grateful for what I have. You were right. My environment wasn't a great way to grow up after everything else."

  "Where are you going?"

  "South America."

  I laugh, "Armani in South America?"

  He laughs and squeezes me, "I went to a strange store called Cabela and bought all the beige and khaki I could find."

  I laugh and rest my head against his chest again. "What if we lose each other?"

  He kisses the top of my head, "I will always find you."

  I smile and close my eyes and make myself feel everything about the moment. I'm going to need it.

  "I never imagined you would take my advice. I'm twenty. What do I know?"

  He pulls back my face, "A lot. Now, stay close to your brothers and please for the love of god, don’t go out without them. Stay in Boston or Chicago with family and friends. Keep training with Angelo and don’t let him kiss you, he'll suck your whole damned face in." I make a face. He laughs, "I knew a girl who dated him."

  "I'm going to miss you." The tears are there before I can stop them.

  He brushes them away, "I need this. I need to stop myself from obsessing where you are at every moment. I need to trust you."

  I shake my head, "You don’t have anything to prove. You don’t need to be a hero there. You are my hero already. You can learn to trust me here. I'm fine I swear."

  He shakes his head, "I'm not. You were right."

  I hate being right. I hate this moment. I hate that I see he needs this.

  He cocks an eyebrow, "Behave yourself and I expect Facetime dates frequently." He chooses to ignore my hero comment. "They're going to call my flight and I haven’t even gotten through security."

  I grip him. "Don’t leave me."

  He kisses my lips, "Never again. This isn’t me leaving you. This is me choosing you." He throws my words back at me.

  He kisses me once more and then pushes of. He leaves and doesn’t look back. I fight the urge to run after him.

  I grip my phone and watch him until I can't see him anymore. Then I send a text, 'I'm grateful for you.'

  I hear footsteps and turn to see the rest of them have caught up to me. Shell grips my shoulders, "You okay?"

  I slump and shake my head. "My heart just left for South America."

  Lyle and Jake join the hug. I'm squished in amongst them all. It's not enough but it's more than I could have ever asked for.

  Jake grips my arm, "You can be sad on the plane. Come on, time to go."

  We fly home. I'm heartbroken and excited simultaneously.

  Home.

  It's a weird word for me. I have not seen the house since I left it to go to the hospital. Apparently I was wearing pink pajamas and clutching a bear with a pink ribbon. The bear was my favorite toy.

  Dad is at the airport when we get there. He hugs me hard, like he's going to break my back.

  We leave for the car, hugging and sniffling. That’s apparently my family's thing. We cry and hug a lot. But the sweetness of it is better than anything I've ever experienced.

  Chicago is amazing. We…yes we…I have a we…we live on the outskirts in a suburb. I look around, nervously, as we drive into a community. He drives the rented minivan up a street that takes my breath away.

  "You sure we have enough room at the house?" I ask.

  Dad nods, "Plenty of room."

  We drive onto a neighborhood like I have never seen before. It's like out of a movie. The houses are massive, not mansions, but huge. Each one has a private driveway and a huge yard. We pull into one with bricks and bushes and windows with the white shutters I always dreamt of.

  I wish he were with me to see it. Seeing it is like seeing the finish line in a race I was certain would kill me.

  She is at the front door smiling, looking like a mom. She has a sweater on with the ruffled edges of a blouse sticking out the top. My face splits into a smile when I see her. Her blonde hair shines in the brightness of the spring day. It glistens.

  We get out of the van with stretches and nudges. Jake shoves me and Lyle shoves him. I grin at them both and wish I could have known them when we were little. Not that it's too late. It isn’t. It's just hard not to daydream about how fantastic it would have been to be wrestled and attacked, with love and brotherly affection. Jake grabs my head and bends me forward. He grips my head and gives me a fake backbreaker. I flip him the way Lance showed me. He's on his back, laughing and shaking his head.

  "You know better than to give her an inch." Lyle crosses his arms.

  They both know better. They spar with me all the time. Not that I'm good, but I'm better and I cheat.

  We've been play fighting for two months. It's been a good way to get to know each other. Moving into a condo altogether last week was an even better way. Shell and I jumped at the chance. No more communal showers or crappy kitchen. Plus it stopped them from coming to the dorms every other minute. They're worse than Eli when it comes to surveillance and protection. I seriously think some of the other students think I'm protected by the Secret Service.

  Mom shouts, "Get in here you guys." The boys jump up and grab all our bags. They don’t carry mine but they take Shell's.

  I stand there affronted by it, until Shell beams, "My brothers do the same thing to me."

  I like that.

  I grab my bag but Dad grabs it and wraps an arm around me, "Welcome home, Sarah."

  "Thanks Dad."

  I have sworn I won't cry. We've been talking everyday on Facetime and text, but I think I will have that vow broken before Mom even gets a hug in.

  I climb the steps and a huge weights lift from my shoulders. Mom grabs me and pulls me into her. The house smells like gingerbread and at the top of the hardwood stairs I see a black and white cat.

  My mouth is hanging open.

  "Kitty, or as you referred to her, Titty, is fifteen in a couple months. She was tiny when you…well she was tiny then," Dad says and looks at Mom I walk past them and hold my hand out. The black and whi
te cat rubs against my fingers. I pick her up and smell her neck fur. She smells the same. I swear she does. She purrs instantly and I grip her, probably too hard, but I can't help it.

  Mom grabs my arm and leads me up the stairs. She takes me to a room and opens the door. It's cold and stale inside. It's a small girl's room. Ponies and rainbows and a small bed with a Strawberry Shortcake blanket make the room cluttered and homey. It doesn’t look like they have changed a single thing since the day I left. I stroke Kitty and wonder how hard it must have been to have such a constant reminder.

  My vow is broken instantly.

  It took me fourteen years to find my way, but I am home.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  His face is dirty and tired, but I've never been more in love with him. He points with the child at the screen. It fuzzes out but then I can see them again. She is beautiful and frightened.

  I wave, my family is behind me. We wave.

  "We miss you son." Dad shouts.

  Eli grins, his icy-blue eyes kill me. "Her name is Arielle. She's seven. We saved her. The river near their home flooded. They were trapped." He doesn’t say anything else. He doesn’t need to I get the gist of it.

  I laugh, "Hi Arielle!" I wave. She looks frightened. "Your name is very pretty." She bats her eyelashes and looks down. I look back at him, "Did your khaki's get wet?"

  His eyes flash something. I see it in his eyes. It's a flash of something I've seen before. It's terror. "They did." He licks his lips.

  I feel the fear cross my own face, "You be safe."

  He nods and swallows, "We're being careful."

  "I mean it. You've been there four days. How can you be so careless so quickly?"

  His lips are playful again, "Yes mother."

  My Mom leans over me, "She's right, Eli. Be safe. We miss you honey."

  I love it. They love him. They don’t really know him, not the dark and scary parts, but then again they don’t know those places in me. Only he does. Only he has seen the darkness. Only he embraces the darkness inside of me and turns it into love and light.

  "We better go. She needs to get back with the other kids." His eyes meet mine. The little girl walks behind him. I see her look back at him and offer him her hand.

  He points at me, "No. Behave. No crying. I miss you. Go torture that cat of yours. She's had fourteen years of peace." He waves and the screen freezes. His blue eyes and her hand extended to him are all that is left of the picture.

  I'm brokenhearted but I'm home. I let them be enough. My Mom squeezes my shoulders and my brother hits me in the arm, "Want a beer?"

  I laugh and nod, "Yup. Please." I need one. I finally get that feeling of needing something, even if it's just a little.

  He passes it to me and sits across from me at the table. His blue eyes are worried and distant. I look at him and take a drink, "You okay?" I ask in a hushed tone.

  He shakes his head, "No. I think having you here is making it all real. For years I pretended it was a sad story on a show I watched and not my life at all." He smiles, "You're here and real and as annoying as I imagined you would be."

  I roll my eyes, "Moving into an apartment with me and Shell wasn’t real enough? I washed your boxers last week."

  He looks at me, "I may live with you until you're eighty. I can't let you out of my sight."

  I grin, "The more comfortable we all get the meaner I will get." I glance at Shell who nods, "It's true. Sometimes she's kinda shitty. She has survival orphan syndrome moments still."

  The room is silent except for my laugh. Shell's face is white but I'm killing myself laughing. Slowly smiles spread.

  "Too soon?" She asks quietly.

  I shake my head.

  Lyle nods, "Yeah."

  I laugh harder and mutter, "Survival orphan syndrome. It's so true." I take another drink of my beer and grimace, "I still don’t love the taste of this."

  Jake takes it and drinks it. I almost have a stroke, but I laugh when I see the horrified look on Lyle's face.

  Dad brings me a glass of red wine, "Try this maybe. It's what your mother and I drink."

  I take the warm glass and already dread putting it up to my lips. I feel my throat thicken but take a deep breath. I tilt the glass and take a drink. The wine is bitter and I shiver. Instantly I hate it, but want more. My taste buds love it. The rest of me hates it.

  I take a second drink. I nod, "This I can do."

  Shell smirks, "My mom is gonna love this."

  In the middle of the conversation, Mom interrupts us. "Lyle why don’t you and Jake take Michelle and Stuart and show them around town." Lyle looks like he's about to argue but he doesn’t. She stands up and everyone follows him out of the kitchen slowly. Mom sits at the table where Lyle was. She puts her hands out and touches mine. Hers are so clean and soft. Her skin is ivory.

  "Honey, I need to know. I need to know how it was. I know they don’t want to know and I'm sure you don’t want to talk about it. But there is something inside of me that can't let go until I've properly understood it."

  I shake my head, "It's okay." I look at the table. I can't look at her and talk. I've worked so hard to push it all down and find the normal inside of me.

  I grip the glass.

  "Baby, if you'd rather talk about it later, that’s okay. I just want you to know that at some point I need to know." Her soft voice is soothing.

  "How much do you know?"

  She shakes her head, "Not much. Eli explained that you were kept at a place you called the dirty house. That’s where he met you. I've obviously looked up the Spicers on Google."

  I feel sick for her. I'm scared she's asking me to torture herself, but I talk anyway, "It wasn’t bad for me. I have limited memories of the dirty house. I remember the hole. They had a hole dug. It was round and dirty and it had a thick board on top for a lid. The smallest amount of light could get through. When Randy was edgy she put me in the hole. Only she could put kids in and take them out. The hole was off limits to him. I was off limits. If he got angry or edgy I was put in there. Laura would tell me it was for my own protection. My memories are choppy but I know he never molested me or anything like that."

  She sighs and wipes away her silent tears. "When your child goes missing, you fear the worst. For you to be with the worst, well I assumed you suffered."

  I shake my head, "No. It was just dirty and gross. They were bad people but not to me. I was like a child to her."

  "What about the orphanage?"

  I can meet her eyes. I smile, "It was amazing in comparison. I learned a million things I needed in life. I learned to be strong and to be grateful. They didn’t have time to love us, but they never hurt us. It was easy there, once I learned how to live there."

  She squeezes my hand and drops her face to the table. Her back shakes and jerks with the sobs. I squeeze back, "Mom." I say softly. I rub her back the way Shell rubs mine and let her sob until she can't anymore.

  She lifts her face, "I'm sorry." She sniffles and wipes her eyes. "I just am so relieved. I don’t know how it happened and how it worked but you seem so normal. I need to thank those nuns one day."

  I grin and fight back my own tears. I jump out of the chair and wrap my arms around her.

  "I prayed every day we would find you, but I was terrified of what we would find. I'm so grateful."

  I close my eyes, "Me too."

  "You needed teeth out. It was routine but we were so stressed. The enamel hadn’t been good on your teeth. I breastfed you at night, I didn’t know it would rot your teeth. They were just going to take out two and then fill the rest. They don’t do dental work on two-year olds. They put you to sleep." Her voice is muffled and sad.

  "We went and sat in the waiting room. I paced and gripped the bear. We'd brought the bear. Lyle and Jake were being naughty. I was so tired and just wanted it over with. But you never came out of that recovery room. The doctor came to tell us you were fine and it had been routine and normal and you were sleeping the drug
s off. You would wake soon. But we never saw again. Not till Eli came to us. He had a photo and a story. I doubted it all until I saw the photo." She reaches into her back pocket and pulls out a photo of me, taken at a bit of a distance. It's wrinkled and worn. I imagine she has held it to her face a thousand times.

  "I thought I had died and gone to heaven that day. When he told us we couldn’t see you yet, you had been traumatized and needed time to resurface, well I thought I was going to murder him right then and there. I couldn’t believe that smug little shit was keeping you from me. After fourteen years, I was dying to see you. But your father agreed that it was better to try to pull you out of the fake world you had created."

  I pulled back and nodded, "It was for the best. I didn’t feel like it at the time, but it was."

  She wipes my hair away and I wonder if we look the same, red nose and puffy eyes.

  "You are so lucky to have each other. I've never actually seen a man love a woman as much as he loves you, Sarah. I love your father and he loves me. We have survived a lot of things, but I know in my heart of hearts our love is not as intense as yours."

  I laugh. If only she knew. I shake my head, "He's just an intense person. Trust me, I don’t think I'm capable of half the love he is. But I can laugh and fun, where as he can't. He isn’t fun. Not in the way Jake and Lyle are. He's intense in everything."

  She smiles, "He's been through so much. His guilt over losing you, when he went for the police, has been unbearable."

  "He didn’t lose me. I assumed he had run off, hating me for shooting her." The words sting on my tongue. It's the first time I've said it without bawling like a baby.

  She kisses my forehead, "I don’t ever like imagining it all."

  I hug her again and melt into her.

  We fly back to Boston the next day. Mom packs us food for the plane and food for our apartment. She hugged me so hard I thought I might die. She gushes about coming to Boston and helping us decorate the apartment.

  On the plane I'm nestled between my brothers. I'm certain they booked the flights with the seats confirmed this way. They're smothering me but I'm cool with it. I'm certain eventually I will smother them back, with a pillow. But it won't be today, well maybe. Jake is laying his head on my shoulder and mouth breathing. I look at Lyle, scowling, "Gross." I whisper.