by Kate Hewitt
‘Because there’s no point, and it will just annoy you.’ As much as it hurt her to say it. ‘You don’t have to be such a bull dog about everything, you know? I’m allowed to have some thoughts I can keep to myself.’ Because it would horrify him to know she’d fallen in love with him. That much she knew.
‘I’m hardly asking you to tell me your every thought,’ Rico protested. ‘But, if something is troubling you, I want to fix it.’
‘Trust me, you can’t fix this.’
That, of course, did nothing to appease him. ‘There must be something I can do,’ Rico insisted, and Halina almost smiled. Her husband-to-be hated the thought that he was not all-powerful.
‘There isn’t,’ she informed him firmly. ‘Shall we order?’
Rico looked unconvinced but he beckoned the hovering waiter over and they ordered their meals.
‘You are happy with the dress?’ Rico asked once the waiter had left them alone.
‘Yes, it’s very nice.’ Although now she could barely remember what it looked like. It wasn’t the way she had wanted to buy her wedding dress, alone and anonymous in a boutique. If she’d been at home, her sisters would have surrounded her, jabbering excitedly, and her mother would have been there to offer benevolent and wise advice. Even her father would have wanted to see the dress, and offer an opinion.
Sudden tears stung her eyes and she blinked them back rapidly, but not before Rico noticed.
‘Halina,’ he said, his voice low and urgent as he leaned forward. ‘You must tell me what is wrong. I can’t stand to see you so obviously unhappy.’
‘I just miss my family,’ Halina said, which was the truth, if not all of it. ‘I wish they could be here for the wedding.’
Rico sat back, his lips pressed together. ‘You are right, in that there is nothing I can do about that.’
‘I know.’ She sniffed and took a sip of sparkling water. ‘I’m sorry. I’ll be better in a moment.’ She managed a wobbly smile. ‘It’s all these pregnancy hormones making me emotional.’ But it was so much more.
‘You don’t need to be sorry.’ Rico was subjecting her to one of his thorough, considering glances. ‘But there’s something else, isn’t there?’
‘Oh, Rico.’ Halina let out a shuddery laugh as she rolled her eyes. ‘What if there was?’
‘Then I want to know.’
She stared at him for a moment, knowing he wouldn’t let it go. Well, fine. She’d asked for honesty from him once; now he could have it from her, at least some of it.
‘All right.’ She took a deep, steadying breath. ‘The truth is, I’m sad because I know you don’t love me, and from what you’ve said you’ll probably never love me. I’m trying to come to terms with it, but it’s hard. I know I was willing to marry a virtual stranger, but a cold, loveless union is not what I’ve ever wanted for my life.’
* * *
Rico stared at Halina, trying not to let his emotions show on his face. His utter horror at what she’d just stated with such stark, bleak honesty. He must not have done a very good job because Halina let out a huff of humourless laughter.
‘You don’t have to look quite so appalled. Consider the bright side—I do know what I’m getting into.’ She looked away, blinking rapidly, appalling him further. ‘You made sure of that.’
‘Yes, but I... I didn’t realise you wanted...love quite so much.’
‘Is it so surprising? Isn’t it what most people want?’ She turned back to give him a direct, challenging look. ‘Perhaps you’re the strange one, Rico, not me.’
‘Perhaps.’ He knew, on some level, she’d wanted love. She’d said as much, but he’d been sure he could convince her otherwise.
What was love anyway? Nothing more than a feeling, as ephemeral as the morning mist. Halina could learn to live without it, just as he had. Everything would be better that way. Happier, even. He just had to convince her of it.
Rico eyed her carefully. ‘Halina,’ he began, choosing each word with delicate precision, ‘Just because we do not love each other...we can still be happy together.’
‘Can we?’ Tears shimmered in her eyes and she blinked them back resolutely. ‘I know all this emotion is appalling you, Rico. I’m sorry.’
‘For heaven’s sake, you don’t need to be sorry.’ Did she think he was that intransigent, that hard and unyielding? Perhaps once he had been, but now... He had changed, at least a little. Just not too much. ‘You can’t help the way you feel.’
‘Just as you can’t help the way you don’t.’ She forced a smile. ‘So there we are.’
‘It doesn’t have to be all gloom and despair,’ Rico persisted, trying to keep the impatience and urgency from his voice. ‘What is love anyway, Halina? A feeling? A warm glow in your heart?’
She flinched at the scorn he’d unintentionally and instinctively put into those words. ‘Maybe that’s a sign of it, Rico, but it’s not all love is.’ Her lip curled, and now she was as contemptuous as he was. ‘Love is so much more than that, which you should know, since you’ve loved someone before.’
He felt himself go still. ‘What makes you say that?’
‘You said it before,’ she answered with a shrug, her pain-filled gaze sliding away from his. ‘You told me it was a long time ago, but she obviously hurt you very badly if you can’t bear the thought of letting yourself love someone years later.’
‘She?’ Rico repeated blankly, and Halina turned back to him with a frown.
‘The woman, whoever she was.’
‘There was no woman, Halina.’ Perhaps it would have been easier, safer, to pretend there had been, but it didn’t feel fair to Halina and he didn’t want her to labour under the misapprehension that he’d loved another woman but wouldn’t love her. ‘I told you before, I’ve never been in love with anyone.’
‘Then who was it who broke your heart?’ Halina asked in a whisper. Rico flinched at the phrase.
Broke his heart. So trite, so real. ‘It was my father,’ he said after a tense pause. ‘He hurt me very badly when I was a child and I never forgot it.’
‘What did he do?’
‘He didn’t love me back,’ Rico said simply. Even that felt like admitting way too much. Halina stared at him, her gaze both searching and yearning.
‘And that’s why you don’t want to love anyone? Because of something that happened when you were a child?’
‘It taught me a valuable lesson,’ Rico said shortly.
‘Which was?’
‘That love isn’t real. Whether it’s a warm glow or not, that doesn’t matter. It doesn’t last. It doesn’t change things, and you can’t count on it or trust it. Frankly, we’re both better off without it, Halina.’
‘Of course you would think that.’
‘Yes, I would,’ Rico returned, his voice gaining force. He felt a deep-seated need, bordering on a compulsion, to prove this to her. To liberate her from such childish notions, as well as cement the foundation of their own future happiness. ‘Think about it, Halina. You want me to love you. What does that even mean? What would it look like, practically?’
She flushed, looking as if she resented the question. ‘If I have to spell it out to you...’
He reached across the table to cover her hand with his own. ‘Humour me. Please.’
‘Fine.’ She pulled her hand away and folded her arms. ‘It would mean I was the most important thing to you. That you couldn’t bear to be away from me. That I made the sun shine more brightly and the sky look more blue. That I complete you.’ She shook her head. ‘How many clichés do I have to pull out of the book, Rico? Love just is. Either you love someone or you don’t, and if you don’t, then whatever you feel—whether it’s affection or duty or something in between—is eventually going to fade and pale. At some point in the future it’s not going to be enough, and that’s what I don’t want to have happen. I don’t want to l
ook up from my dinner or roll over in bed and see that knowledge in your eyes.’
‘I swear to you,’ Rico said in a low voice that thrummed with sincerity, ‘that would never happen.’
‘You can’t make that promise.’
He put his hands flat on the table, a sudden fury coursing through him. ‘And you think love is the failsafe guarantee, Halina? That, if I loved you, that feeling would never fade? Because, I can assure you, it would. Love is a guarantee of absolutely nothing. Haven’t you learned that yourself? Look at your own father. You thought he loved you but he would have killed your own baby if he could have, and now he won’t even come to your wedding. Is that love?’
Her face crumpled and he regretted his harsh words. He’d been so caught up in the moment, in his own memories. He reached for her hands. ‘Halina...’
‘Maybe you’re right, Rico,’ Halina said, her expression composed now, although her voice trembled. ‘Love can fade, or at least seem as if it does. But I choose to believe, and to hope. People make mistakes, they do unloving things, but at the core of their being the love remains. And I choose to believe that my father still loves me, and eventually he’ll realise the mistakes he made. That’s the difference. Someone who loves you can still let you down. They’re only human. But because you love them, and they love you, you keep going. You forgive and you grow stronger, and you move on. Together. You asked me what love is. Well, that’s my definition.’
Rico stared at her, humbled by her brave honesty and also by the gaping emptiness he felt in himself. Had he ever felt that, either to give or to receive? Did he even know what love was?
‘So we’re right back at the beginning,’ Halina said with an attempt at a laugh. She shook her head sadly. ‘There’s no solution, is there, Rico? We’re going to get married, but you will never love me. I just have to live with it.’
‘I might not love you,’ Rico said, ‘but, as I told you before, I will protect and provide for you. Always. I will be loyal and faithful, and I will do anything in my power to make you happy. Isn’t that enough?’
Her mouth curved in a sorrowful smile as she answered. ‘I suppose it will have to be.’
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
A WEEK BEFORE the wedding Halina woke up in the middle of the night with terrible stomach cramps. It had been a week since her all-too-honest conversation with Rico, a week of learning to live without love and finding a way to be happy. At times she’d felt she was on the verge of finding it: when she and Rico could laugh together, when he reached for her in bed. But then memories would rush through her, or he would roll away, and she feared she’d always be searching for that ever-elusive feeling.
Now she lay in bed, blinking up at the ceiling as her stomach cramped, muscles contracting painfully. She was only four months along, and in the last few days she’d felt the first flutters of movement, which had filled her with joy. Now she feared something was wrong.
Quietly she slid from the bed and went to the bathroom, hoping that the issue was merely a spicy meal that had disagreed with her. But when she saw the rusty streak of blood on the toilet paper she knew otherwise.
Her soft scream had Rico bolting upright in bed. ‘Halina?’
She came out of the bathroom, her whole body trembling. ‘I’m bleeding,’ she whispered. Her body throbbed with terror as her stomach continued to cramp. ‘Rico, I’m bleeding.’
Rico’s eyes widened as he got her full meaning. ‘I’ll take you to the hospital,’ he said, already getting out of bed. ‘To the emergency department, right now.’
Halina watched, fear hammering through her, as Rico pulled on a shirt and trousers. He was in the middle of buttoning his shirt when he saw that she hadn’t moved from the doorway of the bathroom.
‘Halina, we need to go.’
‘I’m scared.’ The two words fell softly into the stillness. She wrapped her arms around herself. ‘I don’t want to lose this baby. I can’t. Not after everything...’
‘You won’t.’ Rico took her by the shoulders and stared into her eyes, his expression both grim and comforting. ‘You won’t. The doctors will figure out what’s going on. They’ll help you and they will help our baby.’
She nodded, wanting to believe him, needing to. Her teeth chattered; she felt icy cold.
‘Come on,’ Rico said gently, steering her towards the bureau. ‘Let’s get you dressed.’ Halina felt like a child as she stood there and let Rico tenderly strip her nightgown from her body. He found one of her new maternity tops and loose trousers and helped her shrug them on.
‘I’m sorry,’ she choked. ‘I feel frozen...’
‘Shh.’ Rico brushed a kiss against her forehead. ‘It’s all right...it’s going to be all right.’
He took her hand and together they walked out to his car, a luxury sports model that he used in his down time with a private parking space. Halina slid into the passenger seat and wrapped her arms around herself. Even though it was a balmy evening at the very end of September, she felt so very cold.
The emergency department of the local hospital was brightly lit and bustling despite the late hour. Several rows of hard plastic seats were filled with people with various ailments and injuries. Rico strode to the front to talk to the triage nurse while Halina sank into a seat, desperately trying to hold onto her composure as well as her hope. Her stomach still cramped, off and on, off and on.
Rico strode back to her then sat down next to her and took her hand. ‘You’re freezing,’ he said, and chafed her hand between his own. Halina gave him a shaky smile.
‘I feel like I’ll never get warm. Maybe it’s shock.’
‘It’s going to be okay, Halina.’
‘I know you want that to be the case, but it might not be.’ Her voice wobbled. ‘It might not be. This isn’t in your control, Rico, just like the sandstorm. I know you hate that, but it’s true.’
‘I do hate it.’ Rico’s voice was low and fierce. ‘I hate it absolutely.’ His hands squeezed hers. ‘But I also believe it’s going to be okay. It has to be.’
Looking at the agony written in harsh lines on his features, Halina knew he meant that with every fibre of his being. Rico couldn’t take this not being okay. She couldn’t cope with it, just as he couldn’t, and it made her cling to him all the more.
‘Signora Falcone?’
Halina gave Rico a startled glance as she heard the nurse call out her soon-to-be name.
‘It seemed easier,’ he muttered, and rose from the seat before helping her to her feet. ‘We’re here,’ he called to the nurse.
Halina focused on staying calm as she followed the nurse to a cubicle in the hospital’s busy emergency department. After a short wait a doctor bustled in, smiling in a slightly distracted way.
‘What seems to be the problem?’ she asked as he soaped her hands at the little sink.
Haltingly, Halina explained about the cramps and bleeding. The doctor frowned as he dried his hands.
‘You’re about sixteen weeks along?’
‘Yes, just sixteen weeks.’
‘It can be normal to have a little bleed during your pregnancy, but it can also be a sign of something wrong. Why don’t we have a listen for the heartbeat?’
Halina nodded and lay back on the examining table, her mouth dry, her heart thudding. Rico stood by her, his hand still encasing hers.
The doctor turned on the Doppler and began to press Halina’s belly, looking for the heartbeat. All they heard was the whoosh of her own body and blood, not the lovely, galloping sound of their baby’s heart.
Halina closed her eyes, willing to hear that wonderful sound. This couldn’t be the end. It just couldn’t be. Please, baby, she prayed silently. Please live.
The doctor switched off the Doppler, looking serious. Halina risked a glance at Rico and saw his jaw was clenched tightly, his eyes dark and focused.
‘I’ll send you to the ultrasound department for a scan,’ the doctor said. ‘Sometimes it can be difficult to find the heartbeat.’ He gave them both a sympathetic smile. ‘But of course, it could also be that something has gone wrong. We’ll only know when we see the scan.’
Halina nodded. She felt icy and numb now, too numb to be afraid any more. She’d feared the worst already, and it seemed likely. Wordlessly she pulled her top down and she and Rico went back to the waiting room to wait until she was called for a scan.
Neither of them spoke as they sat in the brightly lit room while people bustled and moved around them—children sleeping on mother’s laps, babies crying. Halina looked away from the tear-filled eyes of a chubby-cheeked cherub. What she wouldn’t give to have a baby in her arms right now, even one that was crying and in pain.
‘It’s going to be okay,’ Rico said in a low voice, and Halina turned to him with a sudden, surprising spurt of fury.
‘Stop saying that,’ she returned, her voice just as low. ‘You don’t know. You can’t know. And at the moment, Rico, it looks like things aren’t going to be all right. The doctor couldn’t even find a heartbeat—’ She broke off with a shuddering breath and looked away.
‘You’re right,’ Rico answered after a moment. ‘I don’t know, and I hate that, because I don’t know what to do, Halina. I want to help you and I can’t.’
Tears stung her eyes and she blinked them back. ‘You can help me by just walking with me through this, whatever happens,’ she said steadily. ‘Don’t try to fix it or control it, Rico—just be with me. That’s what I want.’ She turned to him, blinking back more tears that threatened to fall. ‘Can you do that?’
He looked at her seriously, his mouth a firm line, an agony in his eyes. ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘I can do that.’
* * *
He hated everything about this. He hated watching Halina’s fear and pain, feeling it himself, twice the agony. He hated having their carefully constructed world break apart, shatter into pieces. He thought of the baby nestled in Halina’s womb and willed it to live. He hadn’t realised just how much he wanted this child until it was at risk. Until everything he’d shared and built with Halina was at risk.