Feeling the Moment

by Belden, P. J.

  I don’t know what time it was when we both started dozing off before we finally decided to climb into bed. As we entered the room, we lazily began to strip each other and share a slow tender kiss, only separating long enough to climb into bed and cover up.

  Laying side by side, facing each other, we continued to kiss each other. It didn’t go any further than that. Just gentle, soft, sweet kisses as we lay next to each other.

  “I’m really glad you agreed to go on this vacation. This past week has been the best week of my life.” He presses a few more kisses to my lips. “You make me happy, Kim. Happier than I’ve ever been.”

  My eyes mist over at the happiness I felt from his words. My mind dared to think he might feel the same, but my heart jumped right there. No matter how he felt, right now, in this moment, I felt like a treasured gem. Like after all these years, I mattered to someone. What happened to me mattered to someone.

  Did this mean I was going to ask him what his statement meant? No. Did it mean I was going to ask where we stand? No. All it meant was for right now I was just going to relish in the fact that it could mean the same to him as it did to me. It was better to pretend for now than for him to say it didn’t.

  Chapter Eight

  Before I realized it, we were down to two days left on our island. That’s really what it had become over the past two weeks. Most of the past three days we’ve spent indoors because I was still too afraid to go back out on the water. Not that he was complaining too much considering our indoor activities involved every surface we could get our bodies on or against.

  Today, however, he wasn’t taking my distraction like he had been the past few days. No, instead he was forcing me to go outside and down to the beach. We sat near the water. That day flashing before my eyes again and again. You’d think I witnessed a death or something savage, but to me… Shaking my head, I tried to rid the flashbacks – and my past that has worked its way out of the deep dark crevices of my mind – from my head.

  “I’m going to go back to the house and get our picnic lunch. Stay here if you want any more of me,” he winked.

  “You sure you don’t need help?”

  River smiled, leaned forward and kissed me. “No, I don’t. Stay put,” he ordered as he got up and walked away from me.

  I watched him until he disappeared into the trees. Turning back, to look out over a scene that once calmed me. Now, it scared me. It reminded me of what I almost lost. I looked out over the water, thoughts raced through my mind. What haunted me more than my past was the man in my present. River was the only one that had the ability to truly hurt me. It was more like he had the power to destroy me.

  I was lost in thought when River returned with our food. He had a bunch of snack foods. Laughter boiled over before I could stop it. River laughed with me.

  “So tell me more about your business, please. Did you just get started? Or are you established?”

  “Of all the things you could choose to talk about, you choose work?” He shakes his head. “You need to be taught how to vacation,” he laughed, but there was something behind the laugh. Was it unease? Nervousness? Hurt?

  “Hey now, I’m considering using your company for my safety needs – and trust me there’s many skeletons in the closet there – I think I deserve to know the company I’m considering is worth their weight?”

  River stiffened next to me. “Are you in trouble?”

  “I’m fine,” I tried to assure him. “But I do want to know everything about you though,” I smile and bat my eyes at him.

  “We’re an established company, been in business for the past seven years. We’ve already established that all of my siblings work with me in one form or another.” He relaxed down onto the sand after eating his fill of the ‘snacks’ he brought.

  He smiled up at me and my heart skipped a beat.

  “Are you reliable? Security is basically a trust type of company you’re running. People really have to trust you to make the big bucks.”

  “We do okay. I know a lot of people,” he winked.

  “I can tell by this amazing vacation you pulled off. Friend of yours, I take it?”

  “You could say that,” he said pulling me straddling him. “Besides I think you know how reliable I am.”

  Laughing, I leaned down and kissed him. It was only meant to be a quick kiss, but River had other ideas. His hands pushed under my shirt and worked their way up my back. Just as he unhooked my bra, I broke the kiss.

  “We were just going to talk remember?”

  “You can talk,” he murmured against my neck, panting, “but I’m doing this and much more. I can’t get enough of you.”

  “River,” I gasped as he bit my neck before licking it.

  “Talk sweetheart. I’m listening. No matter what we’re doing, I’m listening. I’ll always hear you,” he breathes against my ear.

  “Oh God,” I moaned. “Mmmm,” I licked my lips.

  River ran his tongue up my neck, to my ear. “I love the sounds you make. Do you understand what you do to me, how I feel about you?” He whispered as he pulled my shirt and bra over my head and sat up, taking me with him.

  His fingers brushed lightly as they trailed up my body, goose bumps speckling my skin. Dropping my arms back down to his shoulders, we stared at each other for a moment. There was no movement, no words, hell I was barely breathing. The look in his eyes was telling me something that my heart dared believe was love.

  “River,” I choked out.

  “From the first moment you walked into my room, to the first moment I kissed you, to the first moment we made love, and every moment in between… I felt every one of those moments. Every moment will be forever,” he leaned down lightly running his tongue over the tops of my breasts before blowing against my nipples causing them to harden even more, “be ingrained in my brain. I won’t be able to look at the beach or that cottage again without thinking of our time together. I…”

  Cutting him off with a scream, when I looked up and watched three men walk out of the trees behind him. Hugging River tighter against me, I buried my face into his neck.

  “What’s wrong, sweetheart?”

  “Come on bro,” One man spoke as I continued to hear their footsteps approach us. “We promised no hoes would be brought to the cabin.”

  My heart sank. That’s all I was, wasn’t it? Some hoe to fill a need. He didn’t have to work for it. Didn’t have to use pick-up lines, buy a drink, meal, nothing. All he had to do was get us out here in the middle of nowhere and make me believe that I was falling in love with him. God! I don’t know what I was more mad about, the fact that I was nothing but a whore to someone. Some kind of sex vessel to them. Or the fact that I didn’t believe a word I was saying. It wasn’t true, it couldn’t be. I saw it in his eyes, didn’t I?

  Did I really see it in his eyes? Or was my heart willing it to be there because it desperately wanted a reason to feel? A reason to beat? The tears built behind my closed eyes the more the guy talked.

  “Since she’s here…” He started laughing. “Hey baby, if I told you that you’re body was a heating blanket and I was cold, would you wrap your body around me?” He laughed more.

  A growl escaped River. “Knock it off J! She’s no whore. I’d appreciate it if you asshats take yourselves back to the house and give us a moment.”

  “Dude, you’re testy. I was just messing,” the guy said.

  Soon I heard footsteps walking away from us before I couldn’t hear them anymore. Opening my eyes, I can’t see any one in the tree line so I immediately scurry over to my discarded shirt and bra and slip them on keeping my back to the woods.

  “This is your place?”

  “Yes,” he answered sounding suddenly unsure of himself.

  “And you were going to tell this to me when?” I asked finally dressed and turned to face him.

  “In my defense, you never asked. You…”

  “Oh my God! Seriously! You’re going to try and play that card?” I
crossed my arms across my chest, getting angry. “Who were those guys?”

  “My brothers,” he sighed. “They…”

  “So how many hoes do you bring out here exactly?”

  “Kim, they were…”

  “I asked how many?”

  “None,” he ground out.

  “Until now,” I hissed at him.

  “I’ve never brought anyone out here besides you. You’re far from a hoe,” he stated vehemently.

  “Am I? Did you pay for this vacation?” He just stared at me, there was no movement from him not even a blink of his eyes. “Well I’ll answer that for you. The answer is yes. And we definitely had lots of sex, did we not? So that would classify as paid sex, no?”

  Every word that came out of my mouth left a bad after taste. Every moment in my past that I’m not proud about came back to slam into by this one action. This one moment that cost me… everything.

  “I’ve never thought any of that not from the moment I met you or even after what I learned about you. You are the first person I’ve ever brought out here. You know me better than that Kim, well you should.”

  “I don’t know you at all. How can you afford a place like this?” I finally asked the burning question in my head.

  “My company is Monroe Industries. Apart from the security, I own and run several other business…”

  “Oh my God! You’re the River Monroe! That’s why you looked at me the way you did. You’re a fucking billionaire. You’re a man whore.” I huffed and walked up to him, hurt replacing the anger. “You lied to me,” I screamed shoving him.

  “I didn’t lie to you Kim. I’ve never lied to you nor would I ever lie to you.”

  “Then what do you call it!” I hissed. “Oh my God, this is a new low for me,” I held my stomach as I hunched over.

  “Nice to know that you feel I’m a low point in your life,” River said hurt.

  “You aren't the low, but having a two week fuck fest with a man I really had no idea who he was is a new low.”

  River’s face dropped then turned angry. “You knew me, Kim. The rest was just technicalities. The man standing before you is no different than the man that was on top of you and in you only a few hours ago. He’s definitely no different than the man that has started falling...”

  I cut him off at the pass. “Shut up! Shut up!” I screamed. “I hate you!”

  River sucked in a deep audible breath, stared at me for a moment before he turned and started to walk away.

  My heart was dying inside my chest. It screamed at me to run after him and tell him that I’ve fallen in love with him, but my mind told me to let him go. That old saying came into my head only it twisted it a little. It's mind over matter. If I don't mind it won't matter to my heart. But it did. It mattered, but I still couldn't run after him. River turned around then and my heart started hammering so hard against my chest that I thought I’d have bruising. It was desperate to get to the very person that showed it what it was truly meant to do...love.

  “No matter how you feel about me, I won't forget this time I’ve had with you or you. I don’t regret anything, but this moment. The moment in my life where I have to walk away from the one thing I’ve always wanted.” He shook his head sadly. “Feeling and living every moment... It’s for fools,” his voice broke and I saw a tear fall from his eye just before he turned away and left.

  I continued to watch him walk away until there was nothing left of him on the beach but the trail of his foot prints where his light once stood. My chest clenched so tight that I actually hunched over in pain. Dropping to my knees in the sand, I cried for everything that could have been in another life, but will never be for me in this one.

  Chapter Nine

  River

  Seeing the fear in Kim’s eyes that day on the boat, it changed something in me. Well, not really changed me, but more woke me up to what I was already feeling. It was in that moment that I knew I wasn’t walking down this first time journey on my own.

  Listening to Kim as she told me about her past brought my own back to me. It was something I didn’t like to relive, but yet here I am thinking about what I’ve been through, what my siblings have been through, at the hands of people that were supposed to protect us.

  Although, as I walked back with heavy feet toward the cabin, I was ready to kill my brother. He may be my younger brother, he may be a great guy, but right now he cost me something far more than money could ever buy.

  As I pushed through the trees, the cabin slowly came into view. On the back deck, I could see my brothers all standing around. Anger pushed away the sadness, the heartbreak. Actually, I preferred that.

  Stomping up the steps onto the deck, they had to keep digging. They decided to crack jokes.

  “Damn man, that was quick,” Ryan joked.

  “No wonder you cycle through your hoes. Oh the shame of being quick on the trigger,” Jayden made the mistake of taking it further.

  The stupid fucker!

  In three more steps, I was in front of him, my hands around his throat and pinning him against the side of the house.

  “You fucking asshole! I saved you! I fucking saved you from Miles and Helen and you pull this fucking shit!” I roared in his face.

  # # #

  Fifteen years old…

  It was another one of those days. A day like yesterday, last week, last month, last year. Another day that I prayed the bruises didn’t show, or that they at least bought my bullshit excuses on why I have them. On the outside, I dressed the part of a thug. When I was around others I acted the part too. But when I was at home, when I was alone, things were different.

  Who I pretended to be during the day was the complete opposite of who I was. Women loved me for the edge or mystery I carried about me, but it didn’t change what I walked into every day. The fear I couldn’t seem to contain. The fear that crippled me. I was fucking weak. No more than that, I was a fucking pussy!

  “RIVER! You fucking idiot! Where the fuck are you?” Miles roared from the stairs.

  Miles was what everyone would refer to as my father. Me, I didn’t refer to him as anything but an asshole. Of course, I wasn’t stupid enough to say it in front of him, but even still he wasn’t my father. Helen was his life sucking wife. Again she was not my mother. No, parents didn’t treat their children the way they treated me and my siblings.

  Ryan and Lacee are older than me. Ryan was twenty and Lacee eighteen. Neither of them were here much so it left me to watch over my brothers and sisters. Jayden and Kayden were eight and Maree was five.

  “River! River!”

  Sulking, I walked out of my room and down the steps. I knew what I was headed for, but I still went every time. As long as they were beating on me, they weren’t touching my younger siblings. It was that fact that kept me putting one foot in front of the other.

  Turning the corner to walk toward the room I referred to as the room of pain. The room was located in the basement. The steps down to the basement was just the build up that Miles and Helen seemed to crave when they had their fun.

  The sick and twisted fucking bastards loved the sound of our labored breathing or the shaking in our body as we face yet another day of their ‘growth’ process. Ryan stood up against them once, but that only happened once. He was hospitalized for three weeks. There was a ‘car accident’ that left several broken bones, stitches, and his jaw needed to be wired shut for a while. When he did recover, he made us all promise to never speak up against them, to just take what we are given.

  When I walked into the room, Miles stood there with a belt in hand. Helen stood behind him with a big smile on her face. This is what they lived for. After every fucking beating we could hear them having sex. It was like an aphrodisiac for them. Sick fucking bastards!

  With Miles holding the belt, I knew it wasn’t going to be used to hit me with, but would definitely be part of the torture somehow. The curious question was how it would be. Standing on the X in the center of the room, I fa
ced away from them as were the requirements of our ‘growth’ sessions.

  “Put your hands above your head,” Helen practically sang.

  The excitement was evident in her voice, the smile almost visible in her words. It was in the air, hung around me so dense like a fog of fear. Her excitement bounced off the cement and hammered into me with an almost physical blow. Fear wrapped around me and I gritted my teeth to keep from shaking as I felt them strap the belt around my wrists. My arms secured above my head, I felt the first sting across my back…

  A week later and some of the cuts on my back from the switch are still raw and crack if I move too quickly. Today I was late getting home due to detention. I’m praying that Jayden, Kayden and Maree were okay. It was Friday, so Lacee and Ryan were working until very late. They were lucky that they got a break from this hell on earth.

  This past week has been a nightmare. I’ve really had to work with Kayden to stop running off at the mouth. He has a bad habit of just saying whatever pops into his head. All he needed was to say it to Miles or Helen.

  Shaking my head, I opened the front door and walked into the house. Instead of the eerie silence that is met at five o’clock at night, I hear screaming and crying. Hurrying toward the kitchen where I hear the cries, I find a cowering Kayden. Silent tears fell down his cheeks.

  “Kayd, you okay?”

  “I’m sorry,” he looked up at me, his eye swollen shut.

  “Don’t. Go out on the porch and hide in our corner. Don’t come back in for anything do you hear me?” He nodded and ran from the room.

  Standing, I stormed into the kitchen. My heart stopped. All thought of what I was doing left my head. All I thought was that my younger siblings were in trouble and I needed to save them. Screaming ‘Stop’ at the top of my lungs caused Miles and Helen to look up at me.