Feeling the Moment

by Belden, P. J.

  Staring at him, my mind worked overtime trying to figure out what he was telling me. “What do you mean?”

  He laughed and swam up close to the boat. “I was supposed to be released the day I met you. Something about just seeing you…” He shrugged. “I wanted to talk to you. Never thought it’d take that long.” River smiled at me sheepishly. “Of course, I never thought we’d be here now or that I’d have… So, now you know my dirty little secret.”

  “You mean to tell me that I lifted you into that jeep for no reason at all? Just so you could get into my pants?” I asked, crossing my arms over my chest.

  River pulled himself up on the edge of the boat, the muscles in his arms flexing with the action. Quickly reaching out he grabbed me and pulled me onto his lap.

  “It has never been about getting in your pants. You should know that by now.”

  One minute he’s kissing my neck the next we are in the water. Splashing him with water was a mistake. It turned into one hell of a water fight before turning heated. I swear you could see the steam coming from the water around us. River pushed me against the boat as he slammed his lips down on mine.

  The feeling behind this kiss was different. It felt more emotional than the others, more meaningful. Could this just be my hopeful heart longing for him to love me back? Or was it really there? I prayed it was the latter, but until I knew, I kissed him back with the same fervor.

  One of his hands grabbed a leg and wrapped it around his waist. Wrapping my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist, River was left to support us in the water. Pulling my bikini bottoms to the side, he pushed into me. Once he was all the way in, he gripped the edge of the boat with both hands and began to really push into me.

  We were making love, right there, in the middle of nowhere, against the side of the boat. Well, I was making love to him, anyway. My heart yearned for it to be the same for him. What they say about water sex being amplified wasn’t a lie. Or maybe it was just with River. Whatever the reason, far sooner than I’d like, I was falling over the edge and screaming out River’s name. Thankfully he soon followed. River’s arms shook as we took a moment to catch our breath.

  We both said each other’s name at the same time. When our eyes met, I let him see. Not everything, but I let him see that he wasn’t just a vacation fling. It was too much risk to let him see everything. Leaning forward, he kissed me softly and lazily.

  I was so exhausted from it all River had to lift me in the boat before pulling himself up. We curled up in each other’s arms and fell asleep.

  “Kim?”

  Jerking up, I looked around. “River?” I wiped my mouth to make sure there was no drool. My heart broke further as I remembered that River didn’t come for me, his brother did.

  “We’re at your house,” Jayden sounded almost sad.

  “What?” The sleep fog finally dissipated and I was able to think clearly. “Oh, right. Thank you.”

  After refusing to surrender my bags, I let him walk me to my door. He kept looking around checking left and right. It had me on edge and I’ve never been on edge since I’ve been here.

  “Will you knock it off,” I mumbled as I unlocked my door.

  “Sorry, habit. Um, listen do you mind if I put some security measures in place before I leave. I have stuff in my car.”

  Opening the door, I looked at him shocked. “Why? I’ve lived here for months and nothing has happened.”

  “And I’d like to make sure it stays that way. Please, Kim. I can’t leave here in good conscience knowing I could have done more.”

  Rolling my eyes, “You are just like your fucking brother. Whatever! I’m too damn tired to care at this point.”

  “Good. I’m going to run down to my car real quick. Lock this door until I get back up here.”

  Rolling my eyes, I shut the door. Sure as shit if I didn’t hear him yell that he wasn’t leaving until he heard all the locks latch.

  “Why protect the whore?” I grumbled under my breath as I locked the door.

  Pulling my suitcases into my room, I slowly started unpacking everything. As long as I live, I’ll never forget these three weeks I had with River in my life. After a life of not knowing what love was, I finally knew and it sucked. It’s great for a little while, then it all crashes down on you.

  Maybe that’s how you know it was love, if you’re hurt when it all goes away. If your life isn’t the same, empty like, when the one you love walks away.

  When my parents died, that killed a part of me. Even though they weren’t the greatest and they let their demons take priority over me sometimes, they loved me and they loved each other. We didn’t have it all. But for me, I had everything I needed. My parents.

  “Kimmy? Where’s my sweet Kimmy?” I hear my mom’s voice.

  Fighting hard, I tried to keep from giggling. My hiding spot behind the curtains was my best one yet. She’d never think to look here. Holding my mouth shut, my body shook with my repressed laughter as she called for me again.

  Flinging the curtain open, I squealed loudly. “I’m right here,” I laughed and ran into her open arms. Looking up at her, “You didn’t even know where I was did you?”

  “No, you’re really good at this game. Better than daddy even,” she winked and my dad grabbed me around the waist and spun me in a circle.

  “Daddy,” I squealed. “You want to play hide and go seek?”

  “In a little while, pumpkin. Seems I have a title to maintain,” he tickled me. “Mom and I need to talk about a certain birthday coming up.”

  After another squeal, I asked, “Can I have a party this year?”

  “Who will you invite dear?”

  “You guys and um, Hank and John, and um,” I pouted.

  “I know you don’t have many friends honey. But mommy teaching you at home is better than you going to school with all the bad people,” Daddy said softly.

  “I know. All I want is a cake and pizza, please.”

  “That’s what you want for your party?” Mommy asked me confused.

  “Yeah, a party is when you spend time with your loved ones, right?”

  “Yes, baby.”

  “Then I have you right here. So all we need is cake and pizza,” I batted my eyelashes at them and stuck out my lower lip.

  “Anything for my princess. Now go and do your studies at the table.”

  “Yay,” I clapped my hands excitedly, hugged them both, and hurried off to do my work.

  If I hadn’t requested that ‘party’, maybe they’d still be here right now. My life could have turned out so different than what I’ve lived this far. I never attended school. Everything I learned was from books that my parents found outside of a college we lived nearby.

  Maybe it was because of this I became so good with numbers. Wiping the tears from my eyes, I miss them. They had their demons that inevitably took them from me, but they loved me and cared about me. More than anyone else ever has.

  For a moment, I had someone. There wasn’t just me. Someone else mattered. But now I’m here with a broken heart and shattered dreams of what could have been. Knocking on the door pulled me from my room and back to let River’s brother in.

  Making a quick cup of hot tea, I sat on the couch and just stared off at nothing in particular. Every once in a while I could feel his eyes on me. Honestly, I don’t know what the concern was with making sure I was all secure. River didn’t even come after me. Quickly swiping more tears away, I stood up and walked over to the window.

  My heart ached for River, for the warmth he brought to my life. Staring out the window, the rain started to come down hard and fast, almost matching the stream of my tears. My shoulders shook as I rested my hands on the windowsill to brace myself.

  “Why did you have to be another person to leave me too?”

  “I’m not. You’re pushing me away. I don’t want you to push me away,” River said almost breathlessly.

  Spinning around, I stared shocked at River being in my house, his
brother nowhere in sight. River’s chest was heaving as if he’s been running, as if he ran to get here. My legs wanted to move me into his arms and never let him go, but my head had full control and wouldn’t let me move.

  The walls around me were thicker now. They had to be. Squaring my shoulders, I wiped the never ending tears from my eyes. It was time to face him down so I can try to piece myself back together again.

  Chapter Twelve

  “What are you doing here?” My voice cracking only served to piss me off, but anger was better to feel than the bone deep pain I felt.

  “Did you think I was just going to let you run off?”

  Anger filling me, I took a step forward. “You don’t own me River,” I hissed.

  His eyes widened at my tone. “I’ve never thought that Kim. You can’t tell me that after all the time we’ve spent together, after all we done together, you don’t seriously think that I see you as property. Do you?”

  Standing tall, crossing my arms over my chest, I looked over at the door. Jayden was nowhere in sight.

  “I’m guessing that mister ‘I’m not leaving until I install security’ just wanted to keep the door open so you could get in.”

  “Yes and no. You need more security here if you plan on staying. And…”

  “What do you mean if I plan on staying here? Where else would I stay?” My arms dropped to my side in confusion.

  “With me,” he whispered hesitantly.

  “What?” I gasped.

  He took a breath and walked toward me. “I’m in love with you Kim. I can’t imagine going to bed without you by my side and in my arms.” He took my hands in his. “That day on the boat… I knew then that my life from then on was with you in it. I need you, Kim.” He held our hands against his chest. “Please Kim, I promise to tell you the truth, the whole truth, from this day forward.”

  A sad laugh escapes me and River looked almost wounded. “You sound like you’re being sworn under oath. All you need to do is say ‘So help me God’ and it will be complete.” I laughed harder.

  River started to laugh with me. It was good to laugh. The anger ebbed away with each bout of laughter that came rushing out. Going lax in his arms, he held me tightly against his chest. Leaning his head down, his forehead resting against my shoulder, he took a deep breath.

  “River,” I swallowed hard. “I love you,” I whispered.

  He froze. His chest didn’t even lift with his breath. “What did you say?” He pulled back looking down at me.

  I laughed nervously, attempting to pull away from him. “River…”

  “Please say it again because right now I’m not sure you actually said that.”

  When I looked up, our eyes met and that buzzing feeling that is always there when he looked at me, started to fill my body. “I love you,” I said a little louder than before.

  A huge smile spread across his face and he bent at the knees like he was going to pick me up, but stopped. “Wait, does this mean…”

  Sighing, “It means that I love you, but beyond that…” I shrugged.

  His face dropped. “Oh.”

  “I just need time to think,” I assured him, suddenly not knowing what I was reassuring him for.

  “Time to think,” he pulled slowly away from me. “Got it.” He looked up at me then with a determined look on his face. “I’m not patient when it comes to you. Take your time, think about whatever it is you need to think about. But if you don’t come to me soon,” he moved quickly toward me and kissed me passionately. “I’ll come to you. I love you, Kim. I’ve never loved anyone before. So, I won’t let go without a fight,” he whispered before kissing me softly one more time and walking out of the door.

  Holy shit! Did I just let him do that?

  Just as I went to walk back to my room, my front door flung open. River stares at me.

  “Lock this door,” he walked toward me and handed me a slip of paper. “Here’s your new code. The system is linked to my house too, so if anything were to go wrong, press this button here and it will alert both me and the police. Okay?”

  “Okay,” I drew out the word, still shocked by the whole thing.

  “Good,” River headed back toward the door. “Lock this, set that,” he said as he started closing the door.

  Almost as if on autopilot, I set the alarm and locked all my locks. Standing there for a moment, I stared at the door. Part of me wondered if he was still on the other side. Reaching out, I rested my hand on the door. My heart beats slower without him here.

  Finding out about who River really was gave me a lot to think about. I didn’t want to care about anyone, but I did. Not only did I care about River, but I loved him so completely.

  When my ringtone started going off, I was pulled from my thoughts. It took me a moment to find my phone.

  “Yeah,” I grumbled.

  “Wow, vacation does not sit well with you,” Shawna joked.

  “Shut up,” I hissed. “You have no idea what happened this week.”

  “Kass! Kassie!” Shawna shouted. “Something’s up with Kim,” she hollered again.

  “Really, Shay, don’t worry about it. I’ve just got a lot on my mind. I’m home now so whatever you need me to do, just send on over. I can’t stay on long. I need to call the hospital to find out my schedule.”

  Of course, it was never that easy getting Shawn and Kassie off the phone. They drilled me on what was going on and I gave in – after a half hour of nonstop begging – and told them everything that was going on. They had their share of ideas of what I should do, but in the end his avoidance of letting me in, trusting me enough with his truth… It all has me not running back to him. Once I finally get them off the phone – they kept pushing me to run to him – I called the hospital. After waiting forever, I was finally told I was working third shift all this coming week. She then asked me to come in tomorrow because of being short-handed. Honestly, I agreed just to get out of the house.

  Heading to my room, I stood in the doorway, staring at my bed. The first time I had the pleasure of feeling his arms around me. The first time I learned the comfort they brought to my inner thoughts and pain. Sighing, I headed into the bathroom.

  # # #

  One week later…

  So many times, I heard doctors and nurses complain about hell week. What I didn’t realize was that I’d experience it without being one of them. Sure during their hell weeks, my workload increased, but not like this past week. I was barely home long enough to sleep. Because of that fact, I’m dragging. Exhaustion wasn’t even close to describing how I felt today. All I wanted to do was curl up in bed and stay there. Sleep for a week. With all this no sleeping and barely eating, I feel like it’s taken its toll on me. With my luck, I’m getting sick and these bastards are going to have to care for me.

  Walking into my final room, my day got even worse. Just as I was finishing up, Felicia walked into the empty room, knocking me to the floor as she hits my cart.

  “What the hell Felicia!” I hissed, brushing myself off as I stood.

  “Oh, I didn’t know anyone was in here,” she faked innocent.

  “Sure, you didn’t. You’ve had it out for me for a long time. What is your problem? What have I ever done to you?”

  She laughed maniacally. “I don’t have to have a reason not to like you. I just don’t.”

  “I’ve been gone for two weeks. Haven’t you gotten laid in that time?” I snapped, unable to control myself any longer. “Or is that stick shoved too far up your ass to do anything?”

  Felicia froze, glaring at me. “I’ll have you know. I’m engaged to be married. We spent every day together for the past two weeks that you’ve been gone.”

  I snorted. “You mean there’s a man dumb enough to settle for your evil ass?”

  “Ha! River is not a stupid man,” she hissed.

  Now it was my turn to laugh. Honestly, it was the first time I’ve laughed since the last time River and I were together last. When I first started here
, there was a girl name Sallary. She was kind and never looked at me like I was crazy or deranged. Sal was the one that trained me. One day while we were working, she warned me about Felicia. Felicia had come into the room spouting off at the mouth like she always does, but Sal said that she’s money hungry and will stop at nothing to get it. Guess she was right.

  “I don’t see what’s so funny here,” she hissed, crossing her arms over her chest.

  “You,” I started laughing uncontrollably. “You were with River?”

  “That’s funny because I was with Kim for two weeks and the past week with my brother,” River said from the doorway to the room.

  Spinning around, all laughter dried up in my throat and I stared at him. His black hair causing his bright blue eyes to seem like they are popping out of his head. River’s eyes assessed me before he slowly walked toward me.

  “What, uh, what are you doing here,” I breathed as he cupped my face in his hands.

  “You haven’t called me in a week. I’ve been as patient as I could. I love you, Kim. Tell me I don’t have to wait anymore.”

  Every bit of pain and confusion disappeared. Nothing mattered, but River and what I really wanted. Shaking my head slowly as I struggled to catch my breath, “No more waiting,” I choked out.

  “Thank fuck!”

  His mouth slammed down on mine in a soul searing kiss. This is what I’ve been missing, what I craved for the past week. It was scary how much I needed him in such a short amount of time, but I did.

  “What the fuck!” Felicia shrieked.

  River only pulled me closer. He was obviously not concerned with the fact that Felicia was here, but I had to pull away. After all, I was still clocked in. River’s hold tightened on me as I pulled away from the kiss. I laughed.

  “Are you almost done?”

  “I am. Just have to push my cart down and I’m done.”

  “Good, I’ll walk with you.”

  Completely ignoring Felicia, I packed up my cart and started pushing it from the room. River kept his arm around my waist and leaned down and kissed my neck as we were walking. Felicia screamed River’s name behind us. He halts our retreat to turn and face her.