by M. L. Rice
“Okay, guys, we’re here. What are we talking about tonight?” Tori asked as she poured Riley and herself a pint of Shiner from the pitcher on the table. Riley reached for the chips and queso to give herself something to do with her hands.
Apparently, this was a weekly get-together for this group. What they talked about were subjects that 1) Riley knew nothing about, and 2) made her uncomfortable. These women were obviously very wise to the ways of the Sapphic world, and Riley learned all too quickly that she was extremely lacking in her education on these matters. She supposed that she shouldn’t be shocked by the things they talked about, but she realized that she had been raised in a rather sheltered environment—at least where sexual matters were concerned. Still, she tried to feign interest and figured that anything she learned that night might well come in handy in the future.
*
By the end of the evening, with her buzz fading sleepily, Riley felt better. The women were nice despite the whole TMI factor.
“So. What’d ya think?” Tori asked as she slid her hand into Riley’s on their walk back to campus.
“They’re cool. Too cool for me, I think, but cool.”
“You’re adorably quaint sometimes, you know that?”
Riley laughed. “Am I that backward?”
“No. You’re just getting into things. You may be all innocent in public, but my money’s on you being a beast in the—”
“Holy shit, you are not about to say that!”
They were walking next to the large brick wall of the Biomedical Engineering building when Tori stopped abruptly and gently pressed Riley up against it. Riley swallowed hard. She knew what was coming next. Tori slowly leaned forward and brushed her lips very lightly against Riley’s cheek. Riley opened her mouth to say something, not to protest, not to stop her, but just to fill the empty space between them. Nothing came out. Tori moved her lips to Riley’s mouth and kissed her for a long while. Riley was more shocked than anything, but it was definitely nice. Still, she was thinking about it too much. Was she doing it right? Was Tori disappointed? What did this mean about their relationship?
When Tori pulled away, she looked smug. “There. Lesson one.”
Riley didn’t really know how to respond. She didn’t know if Tori was being condescending or not, so she just asked, “Did I pass?” Might as well play the game.
“Oh yeah. A-plus.” She smiled. “Lesson two is ready when you are.” She leaned in and kissed the side of Riley’s neck.
Riley shuddered and felt heat flow through her.
“Come over to my place tonight.” It wasn’t a demand, but it was obvious that she wasn’t used to the offer being declined.
Riley stared at her and Tori laughed. “Don’t worry. You’re perfectly safe. I won’t do anything…unless you want me to.” She winked slyly. “We can just hang out.”
Riley was terrified. Terrified, but intrigued. Besides, what did she have to look forward to in her dorm room? If Brooke was there she was just in for another uncomfortable night of silence, or worse. Better to spend the night with someone she trusted and who actually cared about her.
“Yeah. Okay,” she found herself saying.
A short while later, they walked into Tori’s apartment, and Riley saw many generic first apartment trappings. Cheaply framed posters featuring music festivals and bands like the Violent Femmes and The Libertines, and prints by Van Gogh lined the walls. The couch was covered with a frayed orange throw, and empty beer bottles sat haphazardly on the small counter of the kitchenette. The only things that made this room more familiar to Riley were the stacks of music theory books, piles of random sheet music, and a violin case propped up in the corner. Of course, the case had band stickers plastered all over it as if it were the guitar case of a rock star.
Riley smiled and sat on the couch where Tori motioned as she went into the kitchen to bring her a beer. She scanned the room again and said, “I can’t figure you out.”
“Oh yeah? How so?” Tori asked as she popped the tops off two Ziegenbocks.
Riley gestured to the room around her. “Well, for one, I can’t figure out the violin thing. Why not guitar? Why not bass or even piano? You don’t seem very…classical. More…Joan Jett?”
Tori handed her the beer and sat down so close that she leaned against her. “Beethoven was the rebel of his day. His music was so passionate at a time when emotions were kept smashed down inside that women flat-out fainted when he played for them. Berlioz shocked the French musical establishment by turning forms and harmonies on their heads. When Stravinsky debuted The Rite of Spring in 1913, the audience rioted and tried to stop the performance. The dissonance of the piece freaked them out.
“The only difference between the classics and modern music is the year. Tchaikovsky and Iron and Wine. Wagner and Morrissey. Verdi and Sarah Bettens. Music is music. I love it all. But to answer your question, violin because that’s what I’m best at playing. I mess around a little on the guitar and piano, but there’s something about the feeling of a bow grabbing onto that string and making such a clear and resonant sound. I’m sure you get it too.”
Riley nodded. “I definitely do. Nothing like it.”
They sat in silence for a minute before Riley scanned the room again, her eyes falling on a picture of Tori hugging an attractive brunette of the same age. “Who’s that?”
Tori smiled. “Meghan. My girlfriend. She’s on a soccer scholarship at Bryn Mawr.”
Riley was stunned. Tori had a girlfriend? What about all the—
“I know that look,” Tori interrupted Riley’s thoughts. “Don’t worry. We’ve been together since our first year of high school. We’ve agreed to have fun and be open while we’re both at school. Just nothing with strings attached. As soon as we both graduate, we’re getting married and thus will begin the happily ever after.”
Riley attempted to not look shocked. The evening had already been surprising, but she hadn’t expected this news at all.
Reading her expression, Tori frowned. “You know, I think I should’ve told you before. Stupid of me. You’re new to all this, and I just realized that I’ve probably confused the hell out of you. I’m really sorry if that’s the case. I didn’t even think. I do like you, you know, and if you were to want anything else to happen between us, I’m still good with that. But if not, no worries. You’re my friend first and foremost.” She smiled kindly and put a bit of space between them, apparently trying to make Riley more comfortable.
Riley wasn’t at all uncomfortable, just…confused. “But…what about…” She didn’t know how to articulate it, so she simply said, “What about tonight? I mean, what if I do want to…you know…continue?” She didn’t know what she wanted yet, but experimenting with Tori definitely didn’t sound all that awful.
Tori smiled. “Tonight I’m with you, and it’s all about you. I have a lot of love to give and every ounce of it is genuine. Tonight, as one of my favorite songs says, I will love you forever. But I would never do anything unless you wanted me to.”
Riley nodded slowly, understanding. She supposed that explained Tori’s openness about physicality a bit more. She did feel pretty special knowing that Tori was attracted to her, and it was almost as if a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. Whatever their relationship was going to be, Riley didn’t have to worry about Tori not liking her, but at the same time, she also didn’t have to worry about anything long-term.
Beth’s face flashed in her mind.
Ah.
In that one moment, Riley finally knew without a shadow of a doubt. She found Tori attractive as hell, but it was Beth who had taken hold of her heart.
Tori brushed her hand across Riley’s knee. Riley felt a tremor of desire pass through her, but said reluctantly, “Maybe when I’m ready. Not yet. I’m also more of the…I dunno…long-term monogamous type? I mean, I’ve never been in a relationship, but I kind of assume that I am.” She smiled apologetically.
Tori nodded. “Got it. But if
you change your mind, you know where to find me.” She leaned back against the armrest of the couch, looking sexier than Riley had ever seen her, and she almost changed her mind right there on the spot.
“Sooo tempting.” Riley let her eyes wander over Tori’s body.
Tori barked a laugh. “So we’re cool then?”
Riley smiled. She really did like this girl who had taken her under her wing and felt even more comfortable with her now that everything was out in the open. “More than cool.”
Tori said, “Let me put some music on. I think you’ll like it. Indie stuff.”
She moved to an old record player across the room. She pulled an album off the shelf and held it up for Riley to see. “This one has the feel of folk music from the 1960s, but it was released last year. Brilliant new artist from England.”
“They still make records? Like, LP records? My parents used to have some of those.”
Tori snorted. “Yes, they do. Albums just sound too clean nowadays. You don’t get the real feel of the music unless you listen to them this way. Not every album comes out on vinyl, but a lot of them do. I kind of have a collecting problem.”
She put the needle down on the record, and after the initial scratch and soothing crackle, the music started. She then walked over to the couch and sat down, putting her arm around Riley’s shoulders. Riley rested her head peacefully on Tori’s chest.
They listened to a few songs in silence and then Tori asked, “Are you feeling better about things now?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean you always look so sad. Or angry. Or…worried, I guess. You’re an awesome girl, and I want to make sure that you have fun in life too. Parties, friends, love, music. You always seem to retreat inside yourself. I want to help bring you out. I worry about you.”
Riley sat pensively and traced circles lazily across Tori’s thigh. “I’m not unhappy. I’m always…” She thought for a moment. “Scared.”
“What are you scared of?”
“I almost don’t even know anymore. Failure? Destitution? Exposure? What if I can’t cut it? What if something happens to my brother in the Marines? What if I fail at everything I try? What if someone sees through this quiet façade to the shit that torments me at night?”
She didn’t know why she was telling her this. Maybe it was because she was the first person to ever specifically ask. Still, it felt liberating.
Tori sat up and turned Riley’s face toward her. “Everything you’re feeling is valid.”
This wasn’t what Riley had expected her to say. The people who knew a little about her past just told her that everything would be fine and to stop worrying even when she gave them only the smallest glimpse into her psyche.
“Everyone has those feelings,” Tori continued, “but the trick is learning to bring the good feelings to the forefront. Do you think I don’t worry about failing? I’m from an area of Dallas that even the cops are afraid to patrol. I grew up with no money, no dad, and a mom who didn’t have time for me because she worked three jobs just to pay for our apartment, our food, and my violin lessons. She saw musical ability in me from day one and worked her ass off to make sure she could get me out of that hellhole. Music was the only thing I could do well so music is what we chose as my escape route. Every damn day of my life, I worry that I’ll never be good enough. Every damn day, I get scared that I’ll never be able to pay her back for all of her sacrifices.”
She ran her fingers down Riley’s cheek, and Riley leaned into the caress. It felt so nice to have such close contact with someone. “Universe, let me be a violinist in the Dallas Symphony, or in Omaha, in Portland, I don’t care. As long as I prove that I can make something happen for myself.” She lightly kissed Riley on the lips and then whispered, “I see myself in you sometimes. And it breaks my heart. My job, whether you like it or not, is to help you see the good. The fun. Hell, even the dangerous. Life is nothing without joy, and you can’t let the fear win.”
She leaned back again, leaving Riley wide-eyed and moved.
“What do you want, Riley Gordon?”
Riley couldn’t find an answer.
“One word. Just one.”
“Happiness.”
“See? That wasn’t so hard, was it?”
“I hate being angry.”
“Okay. What’s something that makes you happy?”
“Music.”
“Good, you’ve got that in the bag. What else?”
Riley surprised herself when she said, “Beth.”
Even Tori’s eyes widened although she looked amused. “Who’s Beth?”
Riley stammered, trying to force the already spoken word back into her mouth. “Friend. Kind of. Just met her really.”
“Well, Jesus, Riley, why didn’t you say that you were interested in someone?” She was smiling broadly.
“I…I didn’t know.”
“You didn’t know you liked her?” She playfully slapped Riley’s knee.
Riley shrugged. “Not really. Well, yeah. I mean, I’ve tried to not think about it too much. Too busy. And I have to admit that you weren’t near the bottom of my thoughts either.” This she said quietly, with obvious embarrassment.
Tori rolled her eyes but seemed pleased. “Woman, this is exactly what I’m talking about. These are the kinds of things you don’t want to wait to act on. Does she know you’re into her?”
Riley shook her head vehemently.
“Is she into you?”
Riley nodded shyly and couldn’t help the smile that formed.
Tori rolled her eyes again. “Good Lord. I guess it’s up to me to give you a swift kick in the ass. You baby dyke types are adorable but oh so slow. Question one. Is she into music?”
“I think so. We haven’t talked about it much.”
“Well, you’d better hope she is. Two. What’s happening Sunday night?”
Riley was confused by the question. Tori knew that they had the first symphony orchestra concert of the year that night. “Our concert at Bass. Why?”
Tori looked at her, nonplussed.
“Oh. Right. Invite Beth to watch the concert.”
Tori winked and patted Riley’s knee with friendly condescension. “Very good. You might just get the hang of this yet.”
Riley blushed at her ineptitude.
“And after?”
Riley looked at the ceiling, thinking. “Dinner at Trudy’s?”
“Perfect. Nothing formal.”
“Tori, you’re telling me to ask her out on a ‘for reals’ date? I don’t know if I can do that.”
“C’mere.” Tori motioned Riley closer so she leaned in, their faces almost touching. “If you can do this”—Tori once again pressed her lips onto Riley’s, causing yet another shudder of pleasure—“you can ask the girl you like out on a date.”
*
Riley spent the night at Tori’s house but, although they slept in the same bed, nothing else happened between them. It was Riley’s first time sleeping snuggled up to someone else, though, and it was one of the nicest experiences she had ever had. The warmth of another person who cared about her was just about the best feeling in the world.
The next morning, Tori left for the music building and Riley went back to her dorm to pick up her books and papers for her first classes. She couldn’t wait to tell Aidan about her new revelations so she called him as she walked. As usual, he wasn’t able to answer his phone, so she jogged the rest of the way, and as soon as she entered her dorm room, she opened her computer and typed an email to him.
Aidan,
Okay. Now you really won’t believe what’s going on. I won’t go into too many details, but let me summarize.
Tori: Has girlfriend, but in an open relationship. We made out; it was awesome. But now she’s decided to mentor me because I’ve realized that I’ve fallen for—
Beth: I just can’t get her out of my head. I’ve never met anyone like her. She’s interesting, she’s brilliant, she really seems to like m
e, and she has such a normal, girl-next-door cuteness that I just can’t stop thinking about her.
I’m scared to death though. I’ve already gotten too comfortable with Tori, but now that I know there are no strings there, I feel better about it. I will feel awful if I pull perfect, sweet Beth into the shit-show that is my brain, though. It’s not fair to her. But despite all that, Aidan, I’m going to ask her out on a date. I won’t say it’s a date…I mean, friends ask friends to see them in concert and then to dinner too so maybe it will be ambiguous? Anyway, despite my brain trying to get me to stay away, I’m going for it. Until I chicken out and run away screaming, that is. I’ll let you know how it goes.
God, I sound like a broken record, don’t I? And as I write this, I realize what a pain in the ass I’m being. I’m whining about nothing. Two girls like me? When in a million years did I ever think this would happen? I’m doing well in my classes, not all As and Bs, but well enough I think. And I have three close friends now. Why am I bitching and worrying? If I had an answer for that, I wouldn’t be consulting Dr. Aidan Email, would I?
Oh. One last thing. Brooke is still a rude bitch and I hate her face.
The end.
Riley
That evening, while Riley was cleaning her station at the coffee shop getting ready to go home, a now familiar face sat down at the bar.
“Hey there,” Riley said as she removed her apron.
“I was hoping I’d catch you at the end of your shift,” Beth replied.
“Oh yeah?” Riley leaned against her side of the counter, lessening the space between them.
“Yeah.”
“Okay. You caught me.” Riley smiled teasingly.
Beth, who had at first seemed confident, suddenly shied again. “Well, I just wanted to know if you wanted to hang out again or something. We do still need to go to the Alamo Drafthouse. I just finished a paper for an early final and wanted to celebrate. One less thing to worry about, you know?”
Riley’s brow furrowed. She wanted nothing more than to hang out with Beth. The problem was that she was already behind on two papers, studying for three tests, and had hit a complete dead end on an original composition for one of her music classes.