by M. L. Rice
“I can’t,” Riley said apologetically.
Beth’s face fell, but she tried to hide her disappointment. “That’s cool. Just thought I’d drop by and see if you were bored. I think I might go to the free movie at the Union tonight instead, then. Some Norma Shearer film from the thirties.”
“I’m sorry. I’m just really bogged down with schoolwork.”
“Yeah. Totally get it. No worries.” Beth smiled sympathetically.
Riley knew that this was the perfect opportunity. “I want to make it up to you. What are you doing Sunday?”
Beth pulled out her iPhone and checked her calendar. “I have to put the finishing touches on an Oceanography project, I work from twelve until four, and then I’m free.” She looked up expectantly.
Riley took a deep breath. “Perfect. We have a concert on Sunday night, the symphony orchestra I mean, so…I just wanted you to know in case you wanted to come and watch. I mean, you said you wanted to see me…us…play. So…yeah. Sunday night at seven thirty. If you’re interested.”
Beth beamed. “I’d love to see you play.”
“Cool! So uh…if you want to grab a bite to eat afterward or something…I thought maybe we’d both be hungry by then…or something.”
Beth was positively glowing. “Yeah. That sounds fun. Where should I wait for you?”
“I’ll meet you in the lobby. I’ll need to drop my cello off at my dorm, but after that I’m good to go.”
“Riley?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m really sorry to be slow or naïve, but I just have to know…for my own sanity…” she took a deep breath, “is this a date? Because I would really love for this to be a date.”
The nervousness had returned, and the desperate look on Beth’s face tugged at Riley’s heartstrings. She reddened, but said, “Yeah.” She cleared her throat, as it seemed to have closed. “It’s a date. If that’s okay with you, of course.”
“Oh. My. God.” Koji’s voice squeaked from behind them. He had just arrived to take over the night shift from Riley. “You two. You two, oh my God. Oh my God, you two.” His face looked like it was going to split in half from smiling so widely.
“Oh, Jesus.” Riley’s head fell onto her folded arms. Beth just smiled and waved.
“I’ve just witnessed a real life Little Lesbian House on the Prairie or some shit. Could you two be any more adorbz and old-fashioned?”
Riley stood up straight and glared at him, “Well, we can’t all be Grindr and one-night-stand addicts, can we?”
“Girl, you can’t insult me with truths. I own it.” He smiled even more broadly.
“Beth, I’ll see you Sunday. I’m sorry about my uncouth friend here.”
“Can’t wait.” Beth stood to leave. “Thank you for inviting me.”
“No problem. See you then.” Riley waved and immediately turned to Koji. “Not. One. Word.” She then retreated to the back room where she could catch her breath. Beth couldn’t wait! She had gotten the courage to ask her out, and she felt invincible for the first time in her life.
Her phone buzzed in her pocket, and she smiled as she saw Aidan’s name on the caller ID. She hit the Answer button.
“Aidan!”
“Hey, sis. Just read your email. You are seriously blowing my mind with this girl stuff.”
“You will not believe what I just did.”
*
Riley sat back down with the rest of the orchestra after the conductor had motioned for them all to take a bow. The concert had gone extraordinarily well, and the epic final notes of Stravinsky’s Firebird Suite still hung in the air as if reluctant to give up the limelight. Firebird was one of Riley’s all-time favorite pieces, and she was thrilled that they had played it as the final piece of the night. It reminded her of herself: she always felt aflame. From her literal history with fires, to her constant descents into depression and anger, Riley wanted nothing more than to rise from the ashes and embers of her past and find the part of her life where she could shine in triumph. She felt she was on the right path, but was also keenly aware that she was missing something. She was doing as well as she could on her own, but needed that one extra spark. A beacon. Something or someone to make sure she stayed headed in the right direction.
As she contemplated this, the house lights came on, and both the audience and the orchestra gathered their belongings and started filing out. Riley hadn’t seen Beth, of course—the concert hall was much too large for that. But she knew she had been there.
A fluttering started in her chest in anticipation of what was about to be her first date. She quickly packed her cello into its case backstage and made her way to the lobby. She double-checked her suit, the same one she had purchased with Beth’s help, and followed other orchestra members through the doors. Her eyes were immediately drawn to Beth, who stood alone near the glass walls of the entrance. She wore a cobalt blue dress that fell just below her knees, and a black knit sweater covered her shoulders. Her hair was tied back in a loose ponytail, and she had on just a touch of natural-looking makeup. She nervously held a small clutch in both hands, close to her abdomen as she glanced around the room.
Riley stopped and swallowed hard. The feeling she got in her stomach every time she saw Beth magnified itself by hundreds. Seeing her like this made her tremble.
She tried to smooth her hair, as it had become disheveled when had lost herself in the music she played onstage. Just as she was about to walk over to her, a voice said in her ear, “Don’t tell me the delightful young lady standing alone as if waiting for her princess is Beth.”
Riley jumped as Tori put her arm around her shoulders. She blushed because she had been caught having very private thoughts about just that young lady. “Yeah. That’s her.”
Tori smiled. “Riley, she could not be more delicious. You were right.”
Just then, Beth’s eyes fell on the two of them. She smiled, but Riley could see her unsure glance at Tori, who was still standing with her arm wrapped intimately around her shoulders.
Tori leaned in once more and whispered, “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”
Riley smiled. “Is there anything you wouldn’t do?”
“Other than men, not really. Now go have fun.” Tori gave Riley a friendly push, and she approached Beth from across the room.
“Hey,” Beth said shyly when Riley stood in front of her. “The concert was amazing. I mean really amazing. I love classical music, but I’ve never seen it performed live. It adds a whole new dimension. Like the music is alive. I mean, I guess it kind of is when people are playing…live. Sorry. I’m rambling. But yeah, I loved it.”
Riley beamed. “I’m really glad you were able to come. And you look,” Riley’s eyes traveled down Beth’s form, “beautiful.” It embarrassed her to say it out loud, but it was the truth.
Beth flushed a deep red and said, “You look quite dapper yourself.”
“This?” Riley ran her fingers down the collar of her suit jacket. “It helps when the saleswoman dresses me. So. Ready for dinner?”
“Yep. Starving.”
“Let’s just stop by my dorm room first. I need to drop off my cello and change into something a bit more casual.”
“Sure. I’d love to see your room.”
Riley’s stomach fluttered. Maybe one of these days she would be kicking Brooke out of their room for the night.
As they walked the short distance to her dorm, Beth asked questions about the music that had been performed, the differences between certain instruments, and about Riley’s experience playing in the school’s premier orchestra as a freshman. Riley was thrilled that Beth was interested in and thoughtful about her chosen path and answered everything with pleasure.
When they entered her residence hall, Riley noticed a few disdainful looks thrown her way by some of the girls from her floor who were studying in the common area. That was odd. She had never even talked to most of them. She glanced at Beth, hoping she hadn’t noticed. Beth was lo
oking at the notice boards and decor and luckily hadn’t seen. Riley decided it had been her imagination and continued on to her room.
Brooke wasn’t in the room when they arrived, and for that, Riley was eternally grateful. She didn’t feel like introducing the girl she was falling for to the girl she loathed. She quickly put her cello away and changed into jeans and a button up shirt. It was casual, but nice enough to match the cute dress that Beth was wearing.
After changing and suffering the glares of her dorm mates yet again, Riley and Beth drove to the Trudy’s by campus and settled in for an evening of amazing chips and queso and conversation.
After the obligatory banter of nervous first-daters, Beth leaned forward and asked, “So I know that you’re an amazing cellist, you make a mean mocha, you have a brother, and that you hated your childhood, but that’s about it. I’m now registered for Riley 101. Go.” She leaned forward and smiled expectantly as if she really did want to know everything there was to know about Riley’s life.
Okay. It was looking like tonight was going to be that night. Time to share. How much was she comfortable sharing though? Riley looked into Beth’s eyes and saw curiosity and sincerity. It might be nice to let someone in, but she wasn’t comfortable revealing too much. She wanted to impress her, not show her the depth of the inner demon’s domain quite yet. But she would be truthful. She couldn’t imagine being anything but to Beth. Still, she couldn’t let her see the pain her past caused her every single day.
Riley settled in for the edited-for-TV version of a long and sometimes painful history.
When her story ended, Beth looked reflective and resolute at the same time. Riley had been expecting pity or judgment or uncomfortable awkwardness. That was what usually happened when her so-called friends at school had heard small snippets of her past. But Beth was different. She almost seemed…what was it that Riley observed? Was it strength? It was as if Beth was sitting up straighter. Like she had grown. Not in size, but in presence. Despite not having had a real example of it in her life, Riley thought Beth looked almost motherly. But not the doting, baby-talking, makeup and PTA sweater wearing kind of motherly. She looked like a protector. A defensive, solid, unyielding force that made Riley stare in awe.
Finally, Beth spoke, and her voice was soft and steady. “The fact that you’re sitting here across from me, on a scholarship for music at one of the nation’s most famous universities, with a history of abuse, and holding your own basically by yourself…I can’t even begin to tell you how impressed I am. I knew the first time I saw you at Metro Haus that there was something special about you, but I never could have guessed the extent of it.”
The demon inside that had stirred with the telling of her story retreated in confusion. Riley didn’t know how to respond, so she just stared blankly.
Beth seemed to come to a decision. “What are you doing for Thanksgiving?”
The randomness of the question threw Riley off. “Uh. Nothing really. I have a couple of papers to write and finals to study for. Why?”
“What about Thanksgiving dinner?”
Riley shrugged. “Ramen and chips and hot sauce in my room. My whore-bitch of a roommate will be out of town, so cheers to that.” She held up her glass in a mock-toast.
Beth took a deep breath as if steadying herself for a difficult question. “Would you like to come home with me?”
Riley blinked.
“I mean,” Beth shifted, “if you don’t have other plans and don’t want to spend it alone…well, my parents always have more than enough food, and I thought…you know…you might want to see the ocean and get away from school for a bit.”
Riley was in shock. This girl she was just starting to get to know was inviting her to her home in Galveston? Even after getting a peek at her mental baggage? People just didn’t do nice things like that for her.
“You don’t have to…it was just a thought.” Beth shifted in her chair and her hands fidgeted nervously.
Finally, Riley smiled and said, “That sounds amazing actually. I’d love to.”
Beth’s face lit up like the sun, but all she said was, “Cool. I’ll let my parents know.”
The rest of their dinner was spent discussing travel plans for the upcoming holiday—Beth would be driving and playing tour guide—and what Riley was going to see during her first time at the coast. She couldn’t believe it, but she was starting to feel more comfortable with Beth than she ever had with anyone in her life, except Aidan. This worried her. She didn’t need distractions from achieving her goals, and she sure as hell didn’t want to drag someone into the chaos that was her inner turmoil. No one should have to deal with that. Brain storms, demons, doubts, insecurities. Her baggage was heavier than most, and the thought of burdening this adorable, sweet girl with it almost caused her to have a panic attack right there at the table.
This was happening too fast. The fact that this was happening at all suddenly set off a cacophony of alarm bells in her head.
Don’t lose sight of why you’re here.
Don’t burden her with your problems.
Don’t let anything stand in your way.
Don’t let yourself get hurt.
Don’t take her down with you if you fall.
Don’t let her see your weakness.
Don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t.
But she was. She would try to fight it, but she already knew that it was futile. Right now the thought of having someone to share things with, to just hang out with, and to confide in was winning in the epic bout of insecurity that was taking place in her mental arena.
“So yeah. It’s only a few days and there’s not a ton to see, but I’m really excited to share it with you. You’ve made my night; my whole month.” Beth’s eyes sparkled.
Riley took a deep breath and tried to hide her unease. “I can’t wait.” She smiled nervously and tried to enjoy watching Beth finish her tacos.
Chapter Thirteen
“There it is.” Beth put an arm around Riley’s shivering shoulders. Before them stretched the seemingly endless waters of the Gulf of Mexico. “Whatcha think?”
“It’s…big,” Riley said ineloquently.
Beth laughed. “Yeah. It’s big.”
“But I mean, it’s beautiful too. It looks like it goes on forever.”
“Wanna stick your toes in?”
“It’s freezing outside!” Riley pulled her flimsy jacket closer around her chest.
“Well, yeah, but it’s your first visit. You have to say you’ve been in the ocean your first time.”
Riley smiled and nodded. Her hair flapped around her cheeks as they walked down the seawall stairs and crossed the thick sand leading to the water’s edge.
Beth deftly removed her shoes and socks and rolled her jeans up to her knees. “Well? Coming?”
Riley stood for a moment, just taking in the view. They had come straight to the beach from their drive from Austin, and she was having trouble believing that only three hours ago she had been in her familiar room at UT and was now seeing the great expanse of the sea for the first time. Her eyes welled with the beauty and emotion of it.
Riley kicked off her shoes and rolled her jeans up the same way Beth had. She walked forward, her toes digging into the wet sand, and stopped beside her.
“Here it comes,” Beth said as the tiny wave broke a few yards away from them.
The water rolled over their exposed feet, and Riley inhaled sharply at the cold. “Holy sh—”
“It’ll pass!” Beth laughed. “And hey! You’ve now completed a first in your life.” She beamed.
Riley smiled back and kicked the remaining water off her feet now that the wave had receded back into the ocean. “Do I get my trophy now or do I have to stand here longer?”
Beth pulled her back to the dry sand. “That’ll do. I won’t be so kind-hearted once the summer comes, though. I will require you to be fully submerged then.”
Riley looked back out across the water. The thought of bein
g even waist-deep in that great expanse terrified and exhilarated her.
“Come on,” Beth said. “Back to the car. My parents have dinner all ready. We don’t want to be late. An Earle family Thanksgiving is not to be missed.”
Riley followed obediently, secretly nervous about meeting Beth’s family. She had never been good around other peoples’ parents. Having none of her own, she was always afraid that she would do or say something wrong. How did families behave with each other? How was she supposed to fit into their plans? She wanted desperately for Beth’s parents to like her. Was it just because she wanted to be a gracious guest or was it something more?
She glanced at Beth from the corner of her eye as they walked and felt a stirring deep in her chest. She hadn’t really cared about impressing many people before, other than with her playing ability, but she wanted desperately to impress Beth. Despite the novelty of these new feelings, Riley worried that they could only bring trouble. She knew herself too well. If she didn’t put every ounce of effort and concentration into her goal of becoming a professional musician, she’d never achieve it. Some things came easy to people, and while she did have innate musical ability, it was her years of obsessive practicing that had set her apart from her peers. The constant fear of being overshadowed, now that she was in the midst of real talent, scared her to death. What if she couldn’t do it? What if she was no better than her aunt and uncle? What if she never learned to live free from the torment of the memories of her abuse?
They had reached Beth’s car, and as they hastily retreated into it from the chilly shore wind, Riley collapsed back into herself.
See? See what distractions do?
She screamed inwardly. The brain storms were approaching. If she didn’t calm herself down, they would blow at a gale. Here she was, with a girl she was growing to like more than any person she had ever known, seeing the ocean for the first time, and being welcomed into a family’s home for Thanksgiving. What in the hell was wrong with her? Why couldn’t she just be happy in the moment? Why did everything have to be tethered to her past or darkened by the fears of her future?