by M. L. Rice
This wasn’t right.
Riley nodded almost imperceptibly.
“Would you like to sit down, ma’am?” Master Sergeant Estrada gestured to one of the lounge’s couches.
She shook her head almost as imperceptibly.
He hesitated, but continued, “Ma’am, the Commodore of the Marine Corps has asked me to express his deep regret that your brother, Private First Class Aidan Gordon, has died in action in Jordan.”
A disconcerting buzzing noise filled Riley’s ears and she felt all of the blood leave her head. She swayed.
The Marine shifted his weight forward as if to catch her and said, “Ma’am, please come sit down.”
Riley did as she was told. She didn’t want to think.
The Marines sat in the chairs opposite her. “Ma’am, your brother was on a routine patrol when his LAV hit an IED. A roadside explosive. He was positively identified by his fellow Marines and commanding officer.” He paused, apparently waiting for a question.
Riley couldn’t feel anything. It was like she was watching a horrible movie through someone else’s eyes. What a terrible scene. It didn’t belong. It wasn’t right.
“Ma’am, is there someone you could call to help you? A family member?”
Riley nodded, but she didn’t really know why. She had nothing.
Someone else’s mouth asked a few questions. Someone else with her voice struggled to understand, to figure out if there was any kind of doubt that may give her hope. Someone else’s ears listened while the Marines in their perfect uniforms with their perfect looks of detached sympathy explained the next steps, the paperwork, the burial arrangements, the benefits she would receive as Aidan’s only living relative. Someone gave them her Social Security number, told them a national cemetery burial would be fine, said thank you to the young staff sergeant who would be her casualty assistance officer there to take care of everything and offer support.
They had spoken for a long time, apparently. The light in the room had changed. The bright daylight had turned dusky. The darkness was slowly descending.
The Marines rose to leave, told her they would contact her again in a few days to work out more arrangements, and again expressed their condolences.
“This must be hard…for you,” said the someone speaking through Riley’s mouth. “You have a difficult job.”
The Marines nodded solemnly and left the room.
Riley stood alone in the room for a few minutes, willing her brain to shut off. As if struggling through black tar, she turned and staggered to the ladies’ bathroom, where she threw up what felt like every meal she had ever eaten. Her body, her mind, her heart, her whole being was protesting this absurd, this horrific turn of events. She couldn’t wrap her head around it. She didn’t want to. If she did she would disintegrate into a billion torturous shards. She could already feel them piercing their way out from her heart, forcing their way through her skin. The pain would only get worse. She couldn’t breathe. She tried to take a breath and the bitter, stale, traitorous air refused to enter her lungs. The pressure on her chest was too great.
Abject panic descended upon her in a roiling wave. She cowered in the bathroom stall, trying in vain to breath, trying to move, trying to do anything to wake up.
Her thoughts flew to her brother. He always helped her when she descended into this madness.
Her brother.
Aidan.
She needed him and he was gone.
It didn’t make sense.
She looked around wildly.
The world shouldn’t exist.
The world without Aidan couldn’t exist.
She had no frame of reference for this. Yes, her parents had died when she was a little girl and her world had been shattered, but Aidan had been there to pick up the pieces. He had been her light in the darkness during their time with their aunt and uncle. He was her light at the Home when she had no one else. Now that light had been snuffed out by the violent machinations of some other mother’s son a world away.
Lost in her maddening thoughts, Riley heard the bathroom door open and a voice that she recognized as Rebecca’s say, “Are you okay? Do you need any help?”
Riley shut down. It was her very last coping mechanism. When all else failed, her body disconnected from her mind and she simply existed purely on automated instinct.
She rose from the floor and exited the stall saying in an even voice, “No. Thank you.”
Rebecca moved aside to let her pass, looking sympathetic and nervous.
Riley looked down at the keys she had taken out of her pocket. She should go tell Beth what had happened. She should let Beth hold her. She should let Beth take the pain away. But Beth would never be able to do that. Riley loved her so much. So, so damn much. But she had been worried about Beth having to deal with her problems before. Now the thought of what she would have to put Beth through for the rest of their lives together was unthinkable. She couldn’t do that to her. She wouldn’t.
Instead of going back upstairs to her room, she turned and walked out the front door. She didn’t have a jacket. Now that the night had descended, the wind had a biting cold and she shivered yet felt nothing. She walked to her car, sat stiffly in the seat, and started driving.
She didn’t think about where she was going. She just drove. The memories of every moment she had shared with Aidan in their short lives replayed in her head. She saw his football games. She saw him sitting next to her on the couch at the Home playing Xbox. She saw the ashen look on his face as the ambulances raced past their daycare to the refinery explosion that had killed their parents. She saw his wolfish grin and flirtatious winks at the girls in high school. She saw him getting slapped hard across the face and then kicked as he tried to protect her from Aunt Joan’s fury. She saw him rub the salve on her arms and legs where the cigarette burns had made angry red blisters. She saw him step off the bus in full uniform, fresh from basic training. She saw him holding her tight against his chest as she kicked and flailed after waking from night terrors.
She saw him dead, his body battered and bloodied, thrown far from the LAV and the team he had grown to love.
Unbearable.
Agonizing.
Searing.
Unendurable.
*
She pulled the car to the side of the road and got out, shaking again when the wind pieced through her shirt. She had been driving for hours. She hadn’t woken up. Her world hadn’t resolved itself. Her world would never be the same again. Her world had ended.
She walked to the railing and trembled as she climbed to the other side.
It didn’t look that far. Maybe it was because the darkness of the night obscured most of her view of the frigid water below. Still, she wondered if it would hurt much. Would it be over quickly, her body immediately succumbing to the bone-crushing force, or would she simply be painfully bent and twisted, only to sink slowly beneath the gentle waves, her body spasming violently as water replaced the life-giving oxygen in her lungs?
She shook her head to clear her thoughts. None of this was helping. What was the use in dwelling on it? She should just jump and be done with it. The more she thought about it, the more she hesitated, and hesitation wasn’t high on the list of things she wanted right now. She had gone over the events that had led her here over and over again in her head. How much more torture could she stand?
No. This world was too hard. Every day as she was growing up she had tried to hold on to the belief that things would change for the better, that she would be rescued from the hell that was her life. After all, surely it was impossible to be kept so low forever. Even the most tragic lives had some rays of sunshine, right? Some glimmer of light in the darkness?
That was what she had thought, but the rays of light in the life of Riley Gordon had been few and far between. And now that the unthinkable had happened, she just couldn’t bear the pain. It needed to end, once and for all. She was useless and she refused to drag the one person in the world
who cared down with her. So what was the point in continuing?
The well-known cloud of despair descended upon her the more she thought about it. She was making the only decision that made sense to her confused and anguished mind, yet she was still afraid of it. This had all made so much sense as she walked to the bridge, alone and shivering in the biting wind, in the middle of the vast expanse of Texas Hill Country, but now that she was here, standing on the outer ledge of the deserted Bluebonnet Highway Bridge at three o’clock in the morning, she was having doubts.
She took a deep breath, possibly her last, and leaned forward slowly, the wind stinging her numbed face, and willed herself to gain the courage to loosen her grip on the railing. She could barely hear the fast-moving river below, but she knew that it was there, waiting for her, ready to welcome her into its eternal embrace.
Now was the time.
The headlights approaching from down the road didn’t even enter her consciousness.
As she slowly relaxed her fingers, the memories poured forth once again in a flood of abuse, sadness, and fire. Now, with the river rushing beneath her, she felt that it was finally time to put that fire out.
Images of Aidan and Beth swirled in her head as she closed her eyes and leaned forward. She was going to die with the thoughts of the two people she loved most in the world playing on repeat in her head.
A cold hand grabbed onto her arm and jerked her back.
“Riley?” A voice she knew as well as her own trembled in abject fear behind her. “Please come back.”
She opened her eyes slowly and carefully turned around to see Beth shaking and crying in front of her. Her vise-like grip hadn’t loosened a bit.
“Beth.” Riley’s voice was steady.
“Riley, please. Come back to me.”
The terrified look in Beth’s eyes caused a stirring deep in Riley’s chest. Without saying a word, she climbed back over the railing and stood stooped and broken in front of the woman who had just saved her life.
“For God’s sake, Riley!” Beth sobbed and pulled her into an inescapable hug. “Don’t you ever fucking do something like that again!” Her voice cracked as another sob caught in her throat. “Goddamn it!”
The last ounce of strength Riley had evaporated and her defenses ruptured. She crumbled to the pavement and let out a howl of anguish as horrendous as any ever heard. Every hurt she had ever received, every injustice, every terror, tore through her soul and ripped apart her universe in one screaming wail of unimaginable agony.
Beth cried with her and held her tightly as she rocked in wretched misery and lost herself in the malignant ruination of her loss.
*
Riley opened her eyes and blinked drowsily. A faint light illuminated Beth sitting next to her in bed. A slow trickle of memories replaced the fitful dreams she had been having. Riley remembered what had happened that night. Her world crumbled all over again. How was she going to be able to live with this agony? It still didn’t seem real, but the anguish tore at her. Beth quickly put her computer on the bedside table and wrapped herself around Riley’s shaking body.
When the worst of the trembling had passed, Riley gratefully accepted a tissue from Beth and blew her nose. Her face was puffy and her head felt like an axe had split it clean in two.
Speaking quietly and in hiccups of air, Riley said, “Thank you.” She could feel Beth’s wet cheek resting on her shoulder.
Beth said quietly, “I’ve never been so scared in my whole life. I don’t know…” her voice cracked. “I don’t know what I would’ve done if I hadn’t found you.” She shivered.
“How did you?”
“You didn’t come back, so I checked downstairs and the girl said that you seemed really upset after talking to some Marines. I didn’t know what else to do so I tracked your iPhone. I know your password, remember?” Beth pulled Riley into a sitting position. “I followed you all night. Riley, I could murder you for doing what you did. What in the hell were you thinking?” She shook Riley a little and then realized what she was doing. “I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. This isn’t your fault. I can’t even,” she gulped, “begin to imagine how you feel. Just…oh my God, Riley.” She began crying again. “Just don’t ever do that to me again.”
Riley was silent for a while, disintegrating both in sorrow and shame. Finally, she managed to mumble, “Thanks for the sleeping pill.”
Beth shrugged and sniffed. “You needed it.”
Riley blew her nose again and hung her head. “I am sorry. For everything. For me. For this.”
Beth kissed her forehead. “My heart is breaking for you. For Aidan.” She swallowed hard. “But don’t try to face this alone. I’m not much, but you have me. And you also have Koji and Tori and even my parents. Just let me know what you need and I’ll…we’ll do it.”
Riley sighed shakily as tears ran down her cheeks. “I’m sorry. It’s just…God…it hurts so much.” She broke down again and Beth pulled her in to her embrace let her sob in her arms.
“I want you to know one thing, and no matter what, you have to remember it. I will always be here for you. You are never going to try to protect me from yourself or your pain. Understand? You are my world. I’m going to be by your side through all of this. I love you so goddamned much.” She kissed her on top of her head and held her even tighter.
Riley could barely breathe. Nothing was ever going to stop this horrendous pain. “I can’t believe he’s gone.” She wailed again and it seemed like she’d never be able to stop.
Chapter Eighteen
The funeral had been unbearable. It was lonely, inconceivable, and the absolute worst experience of Riley’s life. She had been inconsolable and even wondered how she had been able to survive it at all. Surely the human heart could only take so much. It just didn’t make sense that her brother, her Aidan, was shut into that dark box, never to speak to her again. It wasn’t right. It wasn’t possible. Yet there she sat, in the midst of thousands of other indistinct grave markers, being told by someone who didn’t know him that he was in a better place. There she sat, watching the honor guard fold the flag and hand it to her on bended knee as if it were some sort of solace to her. There she sat, with Beth doing her best to support her, as her brother’s lifeless body was lowered forever into the cold, impersonal ground. She hadn’t wanted to live at all. She had wanted to follow him down into that hole, never to feel that kind of misery again.
Beth’s parents had come up for the funeral and then took both her and Beth down to Galveston for the remainder of spring break and the following week. Riley stayed in bed the entire time despite the kind and anxious coaxing of the Earles. She couldn’t seem to gather the energy or the courage to face the world. What world was there to face anyway? She had experienced pain and loss, fear and depression, but nothing could compare to what she was feeling now. She still had moments where she couldn’t catch her breath, couldn’t think, couldn’t move, and couldn’t stop crying, yet Beth was always there. Always waiting to bring her back from the brink.
Mr. and Mrs. Earle spent time with her as well. They told her repeatedly that she would never again be alone and without someone to talk to. Riley appreciated the sentiment and tried her best to appear grateful, but she knew she was failing miserably. Nothing could break through the clouds that had descended upon her.
One evening, a week after classes had started back, Beth brought her news from school. All her professors had agreed to send her homework via email and discussion board until she was able to return. Even Beth’s professors had done the same so that she could stay in Galveston with her.
“Tori said that all your music professors have given you a pass for the next few weeks. You don’t have to go to rehearsal or anything,” Beth said softly, running her fingers through Riley’s tangled hair.
Riley lay on the bed with her back to Beth. “What’s the point anyway? I’m never playing again.”
She didn’t know why she said it, but once it was out of her mouth she
knew that the feeling was true. Playing her cello reminded her too much of her childhood, of her mother, of Aidan. He had pushed her to excel when he heard her raw talent and saw her love of the instrument she had chosen. When she had started playing, it was also like their mother had come back to them in some small way. Now everything was lost and the thought of playing again was too painful.
“Riley,” Beth implored.
“No!” She wouldn’t discuss it. Her heart shattered all over again. The only thing that ever granted her true escape was now tainted and she was too weak to fight it.
Beth sighed, kissed Riley’s cheek, and left the room, closing the door behind her. Riley could hear the whispered conversation in the hallway.
“I don’t know what to do, Mom. I don’t know how to help her.”
Beth was crying. Riley had caused this. Everything she had been afraid of had come true. She had been selfish and had let herself be drawn in by Beth; this beautiful, warm, and loving young woman, knowing that her troubles were too much to put on anyone, and look what had happened. She was ruining her life too.
Mrs. Earle whispered back, “Give her time, sweetheart. Remember how you felt when Grammy died? That was bad enough, but at least she had a good, full life and a family that loved her. Riley just lost the only person she’s ever had in this world.”
“She has me,” Beth protested a little too loudly.
“Shh. I know, sweetie, but as much as she loves you, and I can see that she loves you more than I suspect she’ll ever be able to say, she just lost her entire family. You told me about her parents. You told me about her childhood. Can you imagine the bond she and her brother had?” Riley heard Mrs. Earle choke back tears too. “The pain she must feel is infinite. Nothing is ever going to change this loss for her. She will never get over it. But,” she said, obviously stopping Beth’s unsaid comment, “you have to give her time to find her new normal. Most importantly, if you really love her—”