by M. L. Rice
“God, I love her so much, Mom.” Beth sobbed. Riley heard the shuffling and muffled sounds of a desperate embrace.
“If you love her like I know you do, you’re going to have to be strong for her. It won’t be easy, especially with the stress you’re under in school, but if she’s worth it to you, you’re going to have to do anything and everything you can to be there for her.”
“I know, Mom. That’s not even a question. I just…I hurt so much for her. I don’t think she knows how much I care, even when I tell her. I’ll do anything in the world for her. Anything. Anything.”
Riley heard rustling as the pair walked down the hall and downstairs. She felt a confusing mixture of appreciation, grief, guilt, love, and depression as they left. Her burdens were now the burdens of the entire Earle family. It wasn’t fair to any of them.
Footsteps ran back up the stairs and the door opened quickly as if someone had heard her thoughts. Riley rolled over to look. Beth was staring at her, tears running down her face, hand still on the doorknob.
“Nothing I can say can change this or make it better. But you are never going to be alone again. My family is your family now.” Beth stood straighter. “No matter what happens from this point on, we face everything together. You have a family that loves you and you have a home.” She paused as Riley stared through tears. “I don’t know if that makes a difference to you, but I…I just needed you to know that.”
Riley’s chest expanded with the most profound sense of love she had ever felt. She got out of the bed and threw herself into Beth’s welcoming and strong arms.
“Together. For better or worse. You will never be without a home again. You are ours and we are yours.”
Riley bawled into Beth’s chest as she held her even tighter. Beth and her family had saved her life, in more ways than one. She would never be able to repay their kindness and support and she knew that she would never be expected to. In this time of devastating sadness and loss, she had found the one thing that she and Aidan had desired and dreamed of their entire lives. If only he could be there to share it with her.
*
A few days later, Riley and Beth left the Earle home in Galveston to head back to school. Mrs. Earle had already set up weekly therapy sessions for her with the university’s counseling services and Beth had promised to help her with her transition back to student life. Riley continued to stay in the dorm and Beth all but officially moved in with her there. She didn’t want her to be alone for a second.
Tori, Koji, and several other music students stopped by to bring her flowers, give their condolences, and even bring her food. Riley still didn’t feel like herself and would randomly burst out crying in between classes, but she was determined to finish out her first year to the best of her abilities. Aidan would expect nothing less and she would be damned if she was going to disappoint him after all of this.
However, she still outright refused to pick up her cello.
“Riley, do you honestly think this is what your brother would want?” Tori pleaded with her as they walked through the halls of the music building.
“I know it’s not,” Riley said sullenly.
“Well, then?”
“Tori,” Riley said with heartbroken exasperation, “it hurts. I can’t play because the music hurts me. It hurts so much that I want to set fire to my own skin just to feel something else!” Her eyes welled with tears.
“Shh,” Tori whispered, pulling her into a hug. “I know it does. But it also heals. Trust me. Sometimes you have to rip off the bandage to heal the wound.”
“Don’t wanna,” Riley said, resorting to despondency and standing limply in Tori’s arms.
“Music was something that linked you two together. You told me about your mother playing her favorite classical songs for you both when you were children. You told me about him listening to you practice, going to your concerts, and pushing you to succeed. Music is in your soul, Riley, and music will help you keep your family close. Music is what’s going to help you mend.”
Riley took a shuddering breath. “Help me.”
“Of course I’ll help you. So will Beth. We’re here for you no matter what.”
“I don’t deserve either of you.”
Tori laughed and released her from the hug, holding her at arm’s length. “Damn right you don’t.” She winked coyly and Riley smiled. It was the first time she had done so in two weeks.
*
Riley left her job at the coffee shop. She didn’t have the energy to work there anymore. Not with the way she felt. Koji and her other coworkers had gotten her an entire box of apple fritters and a card for free coffee for a month as a going-away present. She couldn’t really bring herself to miss the job, though. She would miss working with Koji, but she knew she had made a friend for life and didn’t worry too much that she might never see him again—she knew she would.
Now that she wasn’t expected to play with the symphony for the rest of the semester, she had only her regular classes and her potential recital to think about.
“You don’t have to do the solo recital, you know.” Tori said as she and Beth sat with Riley in the cramped practice room. It was rare that one or both of them wasn’t by her side since she had received the news.
“Yes, I do. You told me so.” Riley glared at the sheet music on the stand in front of her. It was the first time she had picked up her cello since Aidan’s death. It had been difficult since she practically screamed if she heard any music at all lately. It tore at her as if actual knives were ripping through her flesh. Music was light and life to her, and the light had been snuffed out in the most violent and ruthless of ways.
Tori shook her head. “I already talked to Professor Cryder. She said that you’re exempted from it this year. She knows how well you can play. You don’t have to prove anything. I mean I don’t want you to give up playing, but doing a full recital is stressful and I don’t want you to overdo it.”
Riley lashed out, grabbing her music stand and throwing it violently into the corner of the room. “There’s nothing else I can do!” she screamed. It was all she could do to not smash her cello on the ground. “I never want to play again, but…but that’s not what…he would want!”
Beth reached over and placed her warm palm on Riley’s thigh. “Honey, we’re going to support you, whatever you decide.”
“I’m just so…so…so fucking angry!”
A man with a nervous expression peered in the practice room window and then walked away. Apparently, the rooms weren’t soundproof enough.
“These pieces are crap!” Riley kicked the bottom of the music stand as it lay on its side, the sheet music spread across the carpet. “This is all bullshit!”
“Okay. Calm down.” Tori stood and picked the stand up from the floor.
Riley started crying again and buried her face in her hands. It was mortifying to not be able to keep it together for even one day. The anger that constantly boiled inside her was poisonous and exhausting, not only for her, but for her friends. She knew that. She was constantly afraid of it.
“I’m taking her home,” she heard Beth say. “Come on, sweetie. You don’t have to play. I’ll make you some chicken and dumplings while you do your homework tonight. Take your mind off it.”
She really, really, didn’t deserve friends like these.
Riley sniffed, put her cello back in its case, barely able to even look at it, and let Beth lead her out of the room and back to the car.
*
That evening, after Riley’s papers had been written and she had studied for her finals, she sat staring at her recital sheet music and said dejectedly, “Beth, I can’t fail. I have to do the recital. I have to do it. For him. I feel sick, but I dunno. I don’t want to disappoint him.” As much as she did not want to play, it was as if the recital had come to represent the ultimate proof to her brother that she had successfully made it through the first year of her adult life. It was confirmation that she would be able to make it on he
r own. If he was somewhere in the ether watching over her, she wanted to show him that his faith in her had been validated. Now more than ever she wanted to make him proud, no matter the pain it cost her.
Beth put their leftover dinner in the refrigerator and sat next to Riley on the couch. Laying her head on her shoulder she said, “You don’t have to do this for anyone but yourself. I won’t think less of you if you don’t, and Aidan won’t either.”
The panic flared again, unbidden, and Riley shot up off the couch. “I don’t know what else to do! I don’t want to do it, but I need to do it! I can’t do it, but I have to do it!” She grabbed the already crumpled music from the coffee table and balled it up even smaller. This music is shit! Everything is shit!”
Beth surprised her by standing up from the coach, ripping the paper from her hands and saying, “Okay. Fuck it.”
This was enough to snap Riley back to her senses. “What?”
“Fuck it. Fuck. It.”
“You…you don’t usually say—”
“Yeah, I don’t usually do this either.” Beth stormed over to the kitchen, lit the pilot light on the gas stove, and threw the sheet music onto it.
“What in the hell?”
Flames engulfed the paper, and a wave of heat rushed into Riley’s shocked face.
“You’re going to burn the apartment down!”
Beth turned toward her, the reflection from the fire in her eyes, and pointed at the impromptu blaze. “This is not what you need. Your professor chose that music for you a lifetime ago. That’s what she wanted to hear. This recital isn’t about school anymore. She excused you from having to do it already. Like you said, it’s about you. It’s about Aidan. It’s about keeping that connection and starting to heal. Play what you want to play. Play what you would play for him. Tell him good-bye in the language you know best.”
The word “good-bye” plunged into her heart like a sword, yet Riley felt the first spark of hope ignite in her chest since Aidan’s death. Beth was right. This was far beyond a grade or a performance. This was the way she was going to keep their connection alive. This was how she was going to speak to him again, even if it was as a farewell.
Tears ran down her cheek as the final sparks and glowing embers faded. “This. This is why I love you.”
The intensity left Beth’s body and she sighed with relief. “You’re going to be amazing no matter what you play, and I know he’ll be so proud of you.”
Riley gazed past Beth. “I know exactly what I’m going to play.” Her voice caught as the repressed melodies once again played in her head. They were her all-time favorites. They were the songs that nearly brought Aidan to tears when he listened, imperfect as she played them. They were the songs her mother had played when she was a baby.
“He’ll hear these and know—” She swallowed hard. “He’ll know that I’m going to be okay.”
Saying these words, she finally believed it. Aidan wouldn’t want her missing out on life because he had been taken away from her. He loved life. He lived it to its fullest, and it was now her responsibility to make sure that all of his love and all of his sacrifices weren’t in vain. She felt the beginnings of a new and reenergized spirit begin to surface. The pain would always be there, of course. It hurt so much she could barely cope, but now the light was reemerging. She was starting to hear the music again.
Aidan,
I don’t know why I’m doing this. I know you’re not on the other end of this email. I know you’re in the ground at the VA cemetery in Austin. But I also know that you’re not there. Something is there, but it isn’t you. I know you. I see you. It doesn’t make sense for you to be gone. You’re still here…somehow. Maybe it’s just my memories. Maybe it’s just wishful thinking. Maybe the sorrow has driven me bat-shit crazy. I dunno. All I know is that I still have things to tell you, and the thought of you not being there to listen is unimaginable.
This wasn’t supposed to happen. This doesn’t happen to us. It can’t. Not when we’ve lost so much already. The universe has got to be playing some sadistic joke. I keep thinking I’ll wake up from another of my nightmares, but this one appears to be real. I’m stuck in an endless horror from which I’ll never wake. What the hell is that all about? The universe has a sick goddamned sense of humor. There are so many things I want to tell you. Every day I think of something that I should ask. How am I supposed to deal with that? How am I supposed to continue on knowing that you’re not going to be there for me?
I want you to know that, even if I never said it out loud, you are my hero. Always have been and always will be. You took care of me when Mom and Dad died. You protected me as best as you could from Aunt Joan and Uncle Ted. You gave me good advice, gave me a shoulder to cry on, and kicked me in the ass when I needed it. I want you to know that I will miss and love you until my last moment on this earth. I want you to know that, despite the pain I’m in, I’m going to continue with my music and I’m going to live the best life I can.
But mostly, I want you to know that, wherever you are, you don’t have to worry about me. You were always so protective and my biggest supporter. Nothing in my life will ever be the same without you in it, but I know you wanted nothing but love and success for me. I have found a part of my soul in Beth that I didn’t even know I was missing. Her family has even stepped in to be a family for me as well. So, Aidan, please don’t worry. My broken heart is in good hands, and they will help me through this.
It’s also amazing that my first year of college is done and I made it through. My end of year recital is this weekend. I thought you’d want to know that I made it this far. At first I wasn’t going to do it because it hurts too badly to play. But I’m sure you can guess the two people who made me change my mind.
Aidan, I’ll be playing Mom’s songs. For you. Now they’re our songs. Our family’s. I only wish you could be here to hear them. I honestly don’t even know how I’m going to get through it. I can’t get five measures in to any of them without breaking down.
But anyway, I needed to let you know. I need you to know how I’m feeling and how I’m doing.
But most of all, I need my big brother.
Chapter Nineteen
Riley gathered up her music and stood from the chair in the practice room.
“Ready?” Beth asked. She straightened Riley’s suit jacket and lovingly cupped her cheek in her hand.
Riley simply nodded, sorrow and nerves fighting for supremacy in her chest.
“You’re going to be wonderful, sweetie.”
Riley nodded again, less sure.
Beth then took a step back, taking Riley’s cello with her to the hallway. “There’s someone else here who wants to wish you luck.” She looked to her left and nodded.
Confused, Riley looked to the door to see who wanted to see her before the recital.
A handsome and extremely tall man with dark hair and sorrowful brown eyes stepped into the door frame, white hat under his arm. Tears sprang into Riley’s eyes as she took in the full dress blue Marine uniform. She recognized this man from pictures Aidan had sent from his training and deployment. It was his best friend, Craig.
“Hello, Riley.” He had a soothing voice and he held out his hand for her to shake.
Riley had never met or spoken with him, but she felt a connection with him already. She rushed into his arms as if she’d known him for years, and he held her tightly as she sobbed. With her head on his chest, she could hear his breath catching as well. She wasn’t the only person who had loved and lost her brother.
When she had calmed down, she pulled away and said, “Sorry. I got tears on your uniform.”
Craig, eyes misty, said, “Don’t be.” He took a steadying breath. “Riley, Aidan asked me to get in touch with you if anything ever happened to him. He didn’t want it to be just by letter. He asked me to come in person. I made the same deal with him for my family. I just…I never thought I’d have to do it.” His voice cracked.
Riley looked at the g
round and tried not to lose her self-control again.
“He gave me your and Beth’s contact info so…here I am…with Beth’s help. I wanted to check with her first before just showing up.” He turned and smiled at her thankfully. “Our unit just got home.” His eyes looked mournful. “I know it’s not the same as him being here, but I wanted to keep my promise to him. I’m here for you and I want you to know”—he wiped a tear from his eye—“I miss him too. We all do. You should know that Aidan was the greatest guy any of us have ever met. And he was so…so proud of you. Talked about you all the time. Told us about your music. He was like a proud brother and father all in one.”
Riley smiled weakly. “Thanks, Craig. That really…” She wanted to tell him how much it meant, but the words wouldn’t come out.
Craig was silent for a while, but finally said. “Beth told me about your recital today and how you’re honoring Aidan with your performance. I thought this would be the perfect time to offer my support.”
Riley bowed her head. It still didn’t seem like a simple recital was nearly enough to honor her brother. Hardly anyone ever came to the year-end recitals anyway. It was usually just a few friends and the professor in a small rehearsal room like the one where she initially auditioned. What was so special about playing a few meaningful songs in contrast to the depth of her loss?
Beth cleared her throat and said, “I don’t mean to rush you, but everyone’s waiting, Riles.”
Everyone who?
Riley was surprised when Craig offered his arm to her to escort her from the practice room to the rehearsal room where she was to play. She took it gratefully as it helped to steady her as she walked in weak and heartbroken silence. Beth quietly followed with Riley’s now priceless cello. Aidan had bought it for her, and although it wasn’t the nicest one around, she wouldn’t trade it for the world now that he was gone.