Structophis

by Joseph Lallo

  The force replied with a single unified nod.

  “Excellent. Then all that remains is to watch this fool fail.”

  #

  Dimitrios marched up to the door of the camp’s admin building and nearly bashed face-first into it when it, astoundingly, turned out to be braced from the other side.

  “Hello?” he said, stepping aside and peering into the windows. “Markus, are you in there? It’s me, Great Uncle Dimitrios.”

  A bit of thumping and rattling followed, then a rustle at one of the windows as a curtain was tugged aside.

  “Dimitrios? Where have you been?”

  “Italy. Long story. Long profitable story. I assume you found the, ahem, item in the bistro?”

  “Yeah, I found her. What were you thinking just leaving her there?!” Markus growled.

  “Her? Is it a her now? That’s great! Always better to have a female, right? Because of the eggs. Listen, is it… is she okay? Hale and healthy? Been taking good care of her?”

  “She’s fine,” he said, his tone distrustful. “Uncle Dimitrios, we saw cops. Why aren’t any of them here? And what’s with those vans?”

  “That? Oh, don’t worry. I’ve got some associates here that’ll sweep all this under the rug. Real heavy hitters. But enough about that. I need you to bring ‘her’ out and we can get this whole thing handled.”

  “Quit pussyfooting around,” barked Gale from farther inside.

  She appeared beside Markus and literally tore the curtain down in her eagerness to see the face of the man who’d set this whole mess into motion.

  “Do you know the kind of problems you’ve caused? Do you know how close you came to irreparably injuring the phenomenally rare and utterly unique creature we have here? This is a living thing, every bit as intelligent as you or I, and you just left her locked away, assuming someone would handle her while you were gone? If anyone but Markus had shown up first, you’d already be in jail. And if he’d called anyone but me second, both you and Markus would be in jail and Blodgette might be dead.”

  Dimitrios blinked at Gale, then looked back to Markus. “Who is this?” he asked, accusingly.

  “She’s—”

  “She’s the one who actually knows what’s best for Blodgette, so if you’re going to come marching up here with a bunch of jackbooted thugs in big black vans, then you’d better be talking to me because if you think I’m going to let you just blow through the three of our lives like a tornado and then walk off scot-free, you have got another thing coming, Mister.”

  Dimitrios glared at Markus. “You brought a stranger into this? I thought I was clear that this was a private matter.”

  “Are you even listening?!” Gale erupted, rattling the window with her fury.

  The escalating exchange evidently had grown too vigorous to ignore, because two ember-like eyes appeared in the darkened room behind Markus and Gale. Blodgette lumbered up to the window and peered out. Her eyes widened and she trilled with excitement at the sight of Dimitrios. Both Gale and Markus objected, but Blodgette was currently beyond the point of listening.

  Never one to waste time with things like doorknobs, Blodgette made her grand appearance by pushing the latched front door open amid much splintering of wood and groaning of hinges. She squeezed through the doorway and warbled joyously, throwing her arms around Dimitrios in a hug that, if not for the prior day and night spent calibrating hug pressure in successive experiments with Markus, might have left Dimitrios with a broken rib.

  Dimitrios’s reaction was an understandable one in the face of the sudden arrival and aggressive affection of a beast the size of a grizzly bear. He froze up entirely, enduring the hug with a startled wheeze. Blodgette released him and grabbed his hand, hauling him inside excitedly.

  “Now just one minute!” Dimitrios objected, his objection having roughly the same effect as those of Markus’s and Gale’s earlier.

  Blodgette tugged Dimitrios over to Markus and stood the two men next to each other. She then clutched her hands and released a handful of peeps that had an almost baby-chick level of cuteness. It was clear, without language, that she had finally been reunited with the two most important people in her world.

  She threw her arms around the two of them and hugged them tightly, churring happily to herself while Gale dashed to the door and did her best to resecure it.

  “I don’t recall this level of affection when she first started moving around,” Dimitrios groaned.

  “She’s really come out of her shell in the last day or so. No pun intended,” Markus said.

  Blodgette chirped and released them, now grabbing each by the hand and warbling like mad as she pulled them through the hallways. Once they’d reached the children’s playroom, she led them to chairs and urged them to sit down, then started to rummage through the toy chest.

  “What exactly is she doing?” Dimitrios said.

  “I think she wants to show you what she’s been up to. Uncle Dimitrios, we have to talk about what’s been happening. Gale’s right. There’s a lot at stake here.”

  “You’re darn right Gale’s right!” she said, marching in. “Wildlife endangerment, child endangerment, you name it. You’re going to have to answer to The Department of Health, and The Division of Family Services, and The Department of Fish and Wildlife, and—”

  “Honey, honey, honey, listen,” Dimitrios began.

  “Don’t you call me ‘honey’!” she fumed. “It’s reductive!”

  “It’s a term of endearment,” he said, waving his hand dismissively again.

  “It’s the chemically altered byproduct of a flower’s reproductive process regurgitated by an insect. Who on earth thought that was a good idea for a term of endearment?”

  Dimitrios raised an eyebrow and glanced at Markus. “Your friend is an odd one.”

  Before further righteous outrage could be voiced, Blodgette warbled for their attention and then carefully set the picture book on the floor alongside a mound of letter blocks.

  “Now what’s this about?” Dimitrios asked. “There are some people outside we really ought to avoid keeping waiting.”

  “Oh no!” Gale commanded. “You sit right there and you watch this. This is the creature you just ditched and left Markus to rescue.”

  Blodgette flipped through the pages, then carefully matched the images to her guests and started to assemble the letters. When she was through, there was a row of letters in front of Dimitrios, Gale, and Markus.

  Markus gazed down. “Oh, good. I’m still Mom.”

  Dimitrios had a bit more trouble working his out. “All I see is a mishmash of letters here, what’s this? Q-R-V-M-P-A?”

  “It’s says ‘grampa.’ She just couldn’t find all the right letters. And mine says… I think that’s supposed to be a D instead of a B… DOCTOR!” She hopped up and down, briefly veering from fury to glee. “From your fingers to the degree committee’s ears, Blodgette.”

  Blodgette’s chest was so puffed up with pride the metal was creaking. She raised both hands. Markus slapped hands with her. Then Dimitrios found himself the focus of her expectant gaze.

  “You’ve got to high-five her so she knows she did a good job,” Markus whispered.

  Dimitrios paused, not entirely certain if it was a legitimate instruction, then slowly raised his hand. Blodgette met him halfway and slapped his hand, got her high five from Gale, then burbled happily and started stacking the blocks again.

  “Did you train her to do that?” Dimitrios asked.

  “This isn’t training, Mr. Spiros. This is straight-up learning,” Gale said. “You’ve got to learn that this isn’t just some animal, this is a near-human-level intellect that’s undergoing rapid psychological development. She’s a child and should be treated as such.”

  Blodgette held up the picture book and pointed enthusiastically at the doctor picture, which, thanks to the presence of large glasses and a clipboard, did indeed have a more-than-passin
g resemblance to Gale, even if the gender didn’t match.

  “Yes, that looks just like me,” Gale said encouragingly.

  “I didn’t know they were this smart…” Dimitrios said.

  “How did you even end up with one?” Markus asked.

  “Mm? Oh. Fellow named Carlos in Italy. Sold me an egg.”

  “Italy. Sold you an egg…” Gale said, face distant with the effort of remembering.

  “Why did you buy one?” Markus asked.

  “Come now, Markus. You’re my own flesh and blood. Surely you’ve inherited some of the Spiros Vision. This, er… Bodger, was it?”

  “Blodgette.”

  “Right, this Blodgette was going to be the mascot for the bistro. Well, the delivery end of the business, anyway.”

  “But it’s illegal to own one. How were you going to make her a mascot?”

  Dimitrios frowned. “Why does everyone get caught up on the little details like that?”

  “It’s a pretty big detail, Uncle Dimitrios,” Marcus said.

  “This is one of the abbey eggs!” Gale realized. “The eggs that were stolen from that abbey. They never recovered all of them. They were presumed lost or destroyed!”

  “You know about those?” Dimitrios said.

  “Of course I know about those. Structophis gastrignae is my main area of study, and that theft produced new international legislation imposing massive penalties on the trafficking of these creatures.”

  “Phew,” Dimitrios said. “I’m glad I got in before that went into effect.”

  “Before that went into effect… Do you think you got grandfathered in on something? You’re still a criminal.”

  “Your friend is very rude,” Dimitrios remarked to Markus.

  “Listen, Uncle. Let’s ignore what happened for a minute and talk about what happens next.”

  “Right, right. That’s exactly what I’m here about. I’ve got it all handled, Markus. Not a problem,” he said, switching happily back to the business at hand. “I’ll be taking Blodgette here off your hands, and it’ll be fine and dandy for everyone. Those people outside are going to take Blodgette and—”

  “We’re not handing her over to those jackbooted thugs!” Gale said.

  “Why does she think there are jackbooted thugs?” Dimitrios asked, once again addressing Markus as though he could act as an interpreter.

  “It’s a big black van. Who else is going to be in there but jackbooted thugs?” Gale growled.

  “Let’s hear him out, Gale. We’re not exactly spoiled for choice here.”

  “It’s fine. It’s all handled, as I said,” Dimitrios said. “You see, I sold Blodgette here to those people outside, and—”

  “Sold! You can’t own a creature like this, so you certainly can’t sell one,” Gale bellowed.

  All of the yelling was beginning to rattle Blodgette, who edged away from Gale and wedged herself between Dimitrios and Markus, holding their hands.

  “Who are these people?” Markus asked.

  “They work for a fellow named… on second thought, I’m not sure I can tell you. There’s lots of paperwork they had me sign, and I’ll be honest, I didn’t read it. But bigwigs like him usually put in something about not talking about it.”

  “I don’t like this, Markus. Anyone who lawyers up to keep secrets is liable to fall on the evil side of the corporate spectrum,” Gale said.

  “What are they going to do with Blodgette?” asked Markus.

  “That’s… not entirely clear,” Dimitrios admitted.

  Gale was barely able to keep her outrage at a low simmer. “So you’re sure things will be just fine, but you can’t tell us who is going to be taking care of Blodgette, and you didn’t even ask what they wanted her for?”

  “I asked. They just didn’t tell me,” Dimitrios said.

  “And that didn’t set off any warning bells for you?!”

  “They paid me fifteen million dollars on the spot, and the promise of another fifteen on delivery. When someone offers you that sort of money, young lady, you learn very quickly not to look a gift horse in the mouth.”

  “Thirty million dollars… We’re sure not in ‘nonprofit animal refuge’ territory, I’ll tell you that,” Gale said.

  “Uncle Dimitrios, if this is going to go down, we need some assurances. We need to make sure that either you or I remain in contact with Blodgette until she’s mentally developed enough to be separated, and we need to make sure that she’s properly cared for.”

  He scratched his head. “I think we’re past the negotiation phase.”

  “You’re darn right we’re past the negotiation phase, because we are not negotiating,” Gale said. “It’s our way or else.”

  Dimitrios sighed. “Or else what, Miss Activist? I really don’t think they’ll take ‘no’ for an answer, and they’ve got plenty of people in that van to make sure things go their way.”

  “Ah-ha! So there are jackbooted thugs!” Gale said, stabbing her finger accusingly.

  “No, no. Don’t be silly. Jackboots go clear up to your knee. These are just the regular work boots. And they look much too expensive to be thugs…”

  Markus tried to steady himself, if only for the sake of Blodgette, but the look in his eyes was that of a man realizing that an already maddening situation was spinning even further out of control. He took a step forward.

  “Uncle Dimitrios, you and I are going to go out there and”—Blodgette pulled him back and hugged him tightly—“you and Gale are going to go out there, and you are going to make it clear, if they want Blodgette, they have to make sure they act in her best interest or they’ll have to go through us to get her.”

  “What exactly is in her best interest? It strikes me I headed to Europe to train up on that stuff and I got a little sidetracked by the outrageous monetary windfall.”

  Gale eagerly and angrily filled in. “She’s got to have the proper environment and nutrition. That means good open spaces to move around in, plenty of seasoned hardwood, moderate amounts of charcoal, plenty of ore. She needs intellectual stimulation, contact with trusted authority figures for guidance, a large body of cool water—”

  Dimitrios waved off the torrent of orders. “Just come along. I’ll be darned if I’m going to try to remember all that.”

  “It’s not like you’d be able to stop me,” Gale muttered.

  #

  Ms. Grumman stood calmly beside her men. They had stepped out of the van and arrayed themselves around her menacingly.

  “Have you got the paraphernalia ready for deployment, in the event our associate proves unable to convince them?” she asked.

  “Ready to deploy, as well as the full assortment of low-detection-index accelerants, high-flammability restraints, and the timer,” the head of security said.

  “Good. I want this clean. Last time we had to pay off the investigators. I don’t want a repeat of that.”

  “Last time you weren’t working with the US crew. We’re professionals, ma’am.”

  “We shall see…” She looked wearily to the doorway. Dimitrios and Gale emerged. “Herr Spiros, am I to conclude from the absence of the creature and your nephew that your negotiations have reached an impasse?”

  “Not an impasse, as such. Just a hiccup. This young lady is an expert on the beasts. She seems to think she knows what it’ll take to keep our investment healthy.”

  “She’s not an investment. And though I’d rather die than see her fall into the hands of a corporation, it’s going to take some deep pockets to get her cared for, so if you guys confirm you’ll do as I say and how I say, I’m willing to consider letting you fund the further care and research.”

  “My employer is not in the habit of taking orders from outside advisers, nor is he in the habit of having advisers direct his research.” Grumman reached into her coat, causing Gale to tense in expectation of a weapon. Instead she removed a silver pen and a black pocket pad. “For the sake
of education, what do you believe the creature will require?”

  Gale recounted, in exacting detail, every last element of proper Structophis gastrignae care. Ms. Grumman silently scratched them on to the page.

  “… Markus, possibly Mr. Spiros, and I must all have constant and guaranteed contact with the creature to ensure proper emotional development. And finally, I must be permitted to publish my findings on a monthly basis to peer-reviewed journals and for consideration for my degree progress.”

  Grumman took down this note. “Is that the entirety of your proclamation?”

  “Yes.”

  “Good.” She reviewed the list, fetching her phone to compare it to her reference material. “Your assessment closely matches our own. Your knowledge on the issue is to be commended. Would you consider one slight alteration? I believe my employer may be persuaded to satisfy your requirements provided your findings are first cleared by our in-house committee.”

  “Oh no! Absolutely out of the question. What we learn about this creature, we use to enrich the world. And don’t even think about making promises you don’t intend to keep. My brother Donny is a lawyer, and he’ll make sure we get all of this in writing and ironclad.”

  “You are certain?”

  “Absolutely certain.”

  “I see. That is lamentable. As worrisome as the thought of butting heads with Donny might be, I am confident the law firms we keep under retainer would be quite capable of solving any issues that might arise. That, however, would produce both delays and publicity, both of which are extremely undesirable at the moment. Permit me to present a counteroffer. We have been in constant contact with state and local police regarding the apparent vandalism of Herr Spiros’s bistro and the reckless driving of his delivery van. An investigation is currently on hold at our behest, but when we complete our own investigation, they shall resume theirs. At that time they will discover the following items that we have confirmed to be present in the bistro: approximately seventy-five open boxes of Sudafed. Two hundred unopened boxes of Sudafed. Three containers of—”