Mistletoe on 34th Street

by Lisa Dickenson

  ‘And if Lucy can navigate herself around the world she’ll cope with a short car trip in the snow, no problem,’ Jon added, still holding my hand.

  ‘England is small,’ stated Carl, through a mouthful of Cheetos.

  I nodded. ‘Um … good point, Carl?’

  ‘I mean,’ he pointed an orange-dusted finger at me, ‘it’s not like if you were to get stuck in the snow in the middle of Vermont. Where you might not see anyone for days and so you’d probably freeze to death and just … die … ’ He cleared his throat. ‘England is small. Your parents won’t be stuck for long. They won’t be too far from anywhere and someone will come by really soon.’

  I realised something. When I moaned about always having to be the voice of reason for other people, I never actually minded, because when it came down to it I never wanted any of them to feel lost or sad or worried. And they were doing the same for me now, without me even asking.

  My comfort was short-lived, and before long the ten minutes was up and I downed my wine, heading off to call Mum back.

  There was no change. No sign of any emergency vehicles. And I could tell by their voices that they were getting worried now. So I called Lucy once again.

  ‘You don’t think we should wait a little longer, for the RAC or whoever to turn up?’ she asked.

  ‘No,’ I said firmly. ‘Listen to me, Lucy. You need to step up here; you’re the only one of us at home. And Anne agrees with me—’

  ‘I know, she called me, like, ten minutes ago, and told me to go and shovel them out.’

  ‘Well … actually a shovel is a good thing to take. Grab one of those from the garage as well. But listen, you can do this; you need to do this. Just think of the heroic tales you can tell around the campfire on your next backpacking trip to Byron Bay.’

  ‘But … I might just get stuck in the snow too.’

  I tried to soften my voice. She didn’t need me getting riled up. ‘I know, and we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it – together. But at least you and the insulin, and Mum and Dad, will be closer to each other.’

  I heard Lucy gulp. ‘OK. I’ll leave now.’

  ‘Keep in touch with me; I’m right here at the end of the phone. Good luck, Lucy.’

  It was a nail-biting few hours but Jon stayed by my side the whole time, and everybody else was very calm and quiet during the Game of Life, speaking in the type of voices one might use in a spa.

  Nobody really wanted to play, but it was a good distraction for both Abigail and me. Jon let me be on his team, and even whispered that he didn’t mind if I cheated at this game, if that’s what I wanted to do.

  Lucy was making slow progress, but progress nonetheless. She was on a different road to the one Mum and Dad had taken which meant she still had a way to go but at least she wouldn’t be stuck in the same traffic jam. Mum and Dad were still doing OK. Dad was turning on the engine and letting the heater blast in bursts, and Mum wasn’t yet feeling the symptoms of high blood glucose.

  It was a waiting game. When Ian stood up and wandered off for a wee break I too stretched my limbs and meandered to the kitchen to generally fiddle about. Jon followed me.

  ‘How are you doing?’ he asked.

  ‘I want to go home. I want to be with my family. Why have I always been so blasé about spending time with them? I’m so sorry you’re missing Christmas with yours.’

  ‘That doesn’t matter, and you’re going to be home with your family soon. Everything’s going to be absolutely fine.’

  ‘Seven hours they’ve been out there now. They must be so cold. I told them not to go out on the roads.’

  ‘I know you did.’

  ‘When will people realise that I’m always right?’ I gave a wry smile.

  Suddenly my phone rang and I leapt for it – it was Lucy.

  ‘Hey!’ she said.

  ‘What’s up, what’s going on, what time is it, how are you doing?’

  ‘I’m doing well, we’re all doing well. Mum and Dad have been picked up by an ambulance and they’ve given her some insulin, and they’re bringing them to meet me.’

  ‘They’re OK? You’re all OK?’ Relief whooshed through my body and my colleagues – my friends – all cheered and the chatter instantly became much louder and happier. I smiled and moved into the bedroom.

  ‘Everyone’s fine. It’s seven forty-five here and I’m parked up in a pub car park near Warminster – gotta love that half the roads are closed off and ungritted, but a pub car park is as clear as if it hasn’t even been snowing. Fuck it’s cold. I’m going to wait inside the pub in a moment but there’s not much signal so I wanted to call you first.’

  ‘And you’ll be able to get home? The road you came in on wasn’t too bad?’

  ‘Nothing I couldn’t handle,’ Lucy said proudly, and rightly so.

  ‘I’m so proud of you, Lucy.’

  ‘I basically just saved Mum and Dad’s lives. You owe me.’

  I didn’t point out that the ambulance people played a slightly more key role in that. ‘You’ve done brilliantly. You didn’t smoke in Dad’s estate, though, did you?’

  ‘Gotta go, I’ll text you when we get home, byeeeeeee!’

  I put down my phone and felt the weight of the world tumble from my shoulders. I picked up my Believe ornament from the bedside table, running my fingers over it and holding it tightly. When my family finally got together come January, I wasn’t sure I’d ever let them go again.

  I was sleepy come the early evening, tired out from – well – everything. We were all lazing about watching It’s a Wonderful Life on the TV, and I was nestled against Jon like it was the most natural thing in the world, when there was a small knock on the door.

  ‘I’ll get it,’ I said, uncurling from under Jon’s arm and making my way across the apartment. I opened the door, and there was Steph. ‘Well, hello!’

  ‘Hi, Olivia,’ she said, walking past me straight into the apartment. Jon paused the TV. ‘Hi, everyone, my name is Steph and I’m friends with Olivia. Are you the explorers from England? Did you guys know that the snow’s stopped? The weather lady says it’s going to be blue sky all day tomorrow, and they think the roads and trains will be back up running. That’s good news, huh?’

  Carl nodded silently and offered her the bag of Lay’s he was holding.

  Steph took a seat on the sofa in between Dee and Ian, and plonked the large book she was carrying down on her lap. ‘No thank you. Olivia, did your mommy and daddy get where they needed to in their car?’

  ‘Yes, well, they turned around and went home. It was a bit tricky for them for a while, my sister had to go out and rescue them.’

  ‘You have a sister? Is she an explorer too?’

  ‘Oh yes, far more than I am, she just got back from South America.’

  ‘Wow. I brought my book to show you, the one I was telling you about. It doesn’t have any maps of space though, and I was thinking about what you said, and now I’m thinking that maybe I want to be a space explorer.’

  ‘An astronaut?’

  ‘Yeah. Maybe. I need to look into it before I completely decide, but right now I think it would be really cool.’

  ‘That would be really cool,’ said Jasmine, and Steph nodded, pleased that the grown-ups agreed with her.

  I had an idea. ‘Steph, does your mummy let you go up on the roof?’

  ‘Yeah, all the time.’

  ‘And you said the snow’s stopped?’

  ‘Yeah … ’

  ‘Do you want to go and look for stars?’

  ‘We can’t, there’s too much light pollution,’ said the kid, all brains.

  I beckoned for her to follow. ‘But they’re still out there, believe me. Go and check with your mum and then I think we should go on an adventure of our own.’

  It was still bitterly cold outside, but Steph was right – the snow had stopped. We’d bundled her up in Jon’s Knicks jumper and my parka, and she and I huddled together up on the roof with New York City watchin
g over us.

  I had my phone open on an app that tells you where all the stars are in relation to where you’re standing and the direction you’re looking right now. So although Steph was right, and the billions of New York lights gave the night sky a dark amber glow, I could tell her that, ‘Right above the Empire State Building right now is Orion’s Belt. You can’t see it, but it’s there.’

  She was fascinated, and spent a long time twirling the app back and forth and staring between it and the night sky, until her mum called up the stairs that it was time for her to go to bed. She thanked me and scarpered, and when I turned around, there was Jon.

  ‘Hi,’ I said. ‘How long have you been standing there?’

  ‘Not long, I didn’t mean to creep up on you, but I didn’t want to interrupt.’

  I laughed. ‘Steph is a very cool girl.’

  Jon nodded and walked towards me, his hands in his pockets. The night breeze tickled my face and my breathing slowed as he came to a stop in front of me, his eyes soft, his face serious. Was this it?

  ‘I didn’t think the snow was ever going to stop—’

  ‘I’m in love with you,’ Jon interrupted.

  Everything stopped. I’d been wanting this to happen, in a very teenage crush-y way, since Macy’s, if not before. But now it had, I couldn’t handle it.

  He was in love with me.

  But when did this happen? He couldn’t be in love with me – in love was too much, too real; it was a commitment road that I didn’t think I could handle going down again. I exhaled, my words catching in my throat.

  ‘I’m in love with you,’ he repeated. ‘And I need to know if you feel the same way. Because I think you do.’

  ‘I’m scared,’ I breathed, stammering with indecision.

  ‘I know. But too scared, or just scared enough?’

  ‘I don’t know.’ My voice was shaking and I didn’t want to say these words, but I just couldn’t comprehend giving my life over to someone else again, and getting hurt again. ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘You don’t know about me?’ He looked so vulnerable out here in the dark. His beautiful eyes searched mine.

  ‘I don’t know about us.’ It was out of my mouth and in the air, and it hung between us.

  He stood silently for a while, kicking at the ground, not looking at me any more. ‘Might you know? At some point? Is it just a matter of time?’

  I didn’t answer him, it was like my voice had been taken away from me as punishment for breaking his heart.

  ‘I know I can’t make you feel the same, but if it’s just that you aren’t sure yet maybe I could do something to help you … decide.’

  I reached a hand out. ‘I think you’re the best person in the world, but I’m just not sure I’m … ’

  ‘ … in love with me.’ He took my hand before it touched him, and he held it at his side. It hurt me that too much contact would hurt him. ‘I had to tell you. You deserve to know if someone loves you.’ He then smiled gently and turned to walk away.

  I was going to say ‘ready’. I’m just not sure I’m ready.

  Stop him, stop him, stop him, my heart chanted, but my head kept my mouth closed. It was better this way. We were better off just being friends.

  Christmas Eve

  By Christmas Eve early morning I knew one thing: that I didn’t know anything. I’d been twisting and turning all night, my mind full of ‘what if’s and my heart full of nervous thumping and excitable little flutters.

  When my brain asked me for the thousandth time that night, What do you want, Olivia, for crying out loud?, I sat up in the dark and stomped (quietly) out of the bedroom. I needed to call my life coach: Kim.

  I made my way through the dark apartment without allowing myself a glance at where Jon was sleeping, and stepped onto the landing outside.

  ‘What the chuff?’ Kim answered on the second ring. ‘It’s the middle of the ni— Oh, wait a minute, it’s seven a.m. Everything OK, Liv? Steve grunts a hello.’

  ‘Sorry,’ I apologised. ‘Sorry to Steve as well. I just kind of needed to run something by you.’

  ‘Go for it.’

  ‘Do you think I should be with Jon?’

  ‘Wait … what?’ Kim made some shuffling sounds and I heard her ask Steve to go out and get her a cappuccino. A moment later she came back on the line. ‘What?’

  ‘Jon. Do you, honestly, knowing me and knowing everything, think he and I should be together?’

  ‘So you meant it the other day, the hunky Elijah really is gone, and you’re still thinking about Jon? What happened there?’

  ‘Elijah’s well out of the picture.’ I filled her in on the whole sorry tale.

  Kim listened without a word, just a few empathetic murmurs here and there, peppered with noises of indignation at Elijah’s behaviour. Eventually she said, ‘Good riddance to Elijah, you did exactly the right thing. Jon is a total yum-fest though, isn’t he? Even I’m a little bit in love with him.’

  He was such a good guy, and retelling the events of last night not only made me comprehend that even more, but I also found myself feeling unable to keep the smile from my face because this guy seemed to like – love – me. WTF? LOL.

  ‘So now you’re thinking you might have told him the wrong thing?’ Kim prompted. ‘And you do like him after all?’

  ‘That’s the problem, I don’t know. I think it could be really good with him.’

  ‘Ohmygod, this is so exciting,’ Kim breathed down the phone. ‘But?’

  ‘But it’s a big step.’

  ‘Neil Armstrong made a big step. Getting a boyfriend isn’t a big step. Stop sweating it and go and have fun.’

  I laughed. I knew she knew it was indeed a big step for me, but I do dwell, and I do overthink … unless I don’t want to think about something and then I block it all out. Kim was giving me the type of talk we give to girls stressing about their exams, by taking away the ‘big and scary’ element.

  ‘So what are you going to do?’ she asked.

  Ummm … ‘I’m … wait, did you say it was seven a.m.? I’m going to put the turkey in the oven, that’s what I’m going to do.’

  ‘And then?! Don’t you run out on me, Olivia.’

  ‘And then … I don’t know.’

  ‘Yes, you do.’

  ‘Bye!’

  We hung up and I collected my wits before entering the apartment. And by ‘collected my wits’ I mean ‘pulled my PJs out of my bottom and checked my buttons were done up across my boobs’.

  Was she right, did I know? I knew this: Jon made me happy, and I wanted to make him happy, and I wanted to kiss him again as soon as possible.

  So should I kiss him? Just walk in there and kiss him? But I already let him down so what if he didn’t let me near him? Well I was never going to find out out here, staring at the front door. Come on, Olivia, be brave. Get yours.

  I was revved up, but when I stepped inside and into the living room, I saw that it had come to life since I’d been gone. Jasmine was already up and playing kitchen goddess, and Dee and Ian were pottering around tidying up empty mugs and glasses from the night before. Carl was sitting up on the sofa bed and rubbing his eyes, and Jon was still snoozing on the floor.

  ‘Hello,’ I said, side-eyeing everyone. I hadn’t quite expected to see them all. I folded my arms over my chest, a little too aware of being braless in front of my colleagues.

  ‘Merry Christmas!’ grinned Jasmine, and I recoiled a little, unintentionally, from her chirpy mood. Why can’t you all go away? I need to snog Jon.

  I crept over and knelt next to Jon, who looked delicious with his hair a mess and the duvet pulled up over his shoulder. Nerves hit me; would he be angry with me today? Or hurt? Had I missed my chance with him?

  ‘Olivia, guess what?’ boomed Dee, appearing behind me with some dirty wine glasses and a piece of tinsel around her neck. God damn you, Dee. I stood up and faced her.

  ‘What?’

  ‘It’s Christmas Eve!’

/>   … ‘Yep!’ I was very pleased they were getting in the spirit, I was thrilled nobody seemed too blue about not going home, but could they all just stop being such a bunch of knobheads for two minutes?

  I looked back at Jon, and suddenly he peeped open an eye, gazed at me for just a moment, and then smiled, and I knew everything would be OK. Then he made a ‘shhhh’ motion with his finger over his lips, and pretended to go back to sleep again.

  I did know, Kim had been right. I wanted to be with Jon. I couldn’t tell if it was love yet; the whole concept of love was a forgotten mystery to me, but everything would be OK. And we had all of Christmas to talk about our feelings; I could wait, I was pretty good at that by now.

  ‘Jasmine, this looks incredible,’ I said, as she put the centrepiece – the turkey – on the coffee table in front of us all. We couldn’t all fit around Lara’s dining table, so we were creating a food spread on that and the coffee table instead, and we’d then happily eat off our laps. But even so, as someone who’d only ever had Christmas dinner mass-made at a Christmas party, or served in a hotel restaurant with steel drums playing in the background, this was the best and most traditional Christmas dinner I’d ever had.

  ‘Everybody, before we get started, I just wanted to say that I know you’d all rather be home with your families right now, and, Abi, I know you’re still worrying about your boyfriend but at least his parents replied to your email and said he was fine, and I know I didn’t want to be still staring at any of your faces this far into the Christmas holidays, but here’s to you guys, my makeshift Christmas family, for making an old Grinch believe.’

  We chinked glasses and were about to tuck in when my phone rang.

  ‘Hello,’ I answered, intending to tell the caller I’d ring them back.

  ‘Ms Forest? This is Amanda from British Airways.’

  ‘Oh, hi, Amanda,’ I said, and everyone fell silent, watching me.

  ‘Ms Forest, I have an update for you and your party,’ said Amanda, sounding rushed. ‘Heathrow is back up and running and they’re putting all possible planes in the air today to try and clear the backlog of passengers. If you want them, I have four seats held for your party in a flight leaving in three hours’ time.’