All Aboard! Romance on Route 66

by Waggoner, Robert C.

  Before the bus came to a stop, Bill and his new girlfriend Carol were making spectacles of themselves. Carl had tears running down his craggy face and pretty much everyone was disgusted with the whole show. Lilly was the first one down to put a bug in Slim’s ear. She brushed by Carl who was trying to get up but was so weak he fell back into his seat unable to make it to a standing position. Lilly headed down the stairs as Jasper helped Carl up. Carol and Bill sat there paying no attention to anyone but themselves waiting until all left the bus. Lilly quickly told Slim the outrageous performance and he nodded to her with downcast eyes as he helped the other passengers off the bus.

  Carl slowly made his way off the bus with Slim’s help. Instead of going to the restaurant he turned and walked down the side of the bus hanging his head. Jasper followed him and when he reached his side, put his arm around Carl and spoke a few words into his ear. Standing in the shade Carl said, “I’ve never been so humiliated in my life. I know I’m hard to get along with and words pour out of my mouth like a fountain in a park saying all the wrong things. My mind has good thoughts, but when I open my mouth hateful words come from an area of my mind I never thought existed.”

  He wiped his eyes and choked back sobs as he listened to Jasper say, “Carl, let me help you and I think we can solve your problem very easily. Just say the opposite of what you are thinking and see if that doesn’t turn out for the better.”

  “I’m confused now more than ever,” he said with a perplexed look upon his face. “If I say the opposite, then I will really be in trouble.”

  “No, come with me and I will demonstrate with Frieda and coax you through the process.”

  “I will follow you and be a good student,” he said with renewed energy as they both walked to the restaurant.

  Inside Slim was sitting with Lilly and Frieda at a table for six waiting for Jasper to come with Carl. Frieda told them Jasper would bring Carl with and have lunch to share his remorse and to help make him forget the scene on the bus. Slim meanwhile was more interested in his stomach than Carl’s problem with his wife. He knew it was a passing thing and Carol would come to her senses sooner or later. Now he wanted the dripping burger and a chocolate shake. After that he would consider Carl’s plight over some blackberry pie he noticed on the days special. Maybe some ice cream ala mode raced through his mind as the waitress pen in hand and a scowl on her face walked up to the table chewing gum making it pop. Lilly was horrified. How could a waitress be so outwardly crass and when the waitress asked for their order her teeth were as yellow as her uniform? Lilly lost what little appetite she had and said she would just have coffee.

  Slim couldn’t care less what she looked like and ordered fries taking advantage of Lilly’s distraction; which he thought was Carl and not the gum popping waitress. He sat back and listened to Jasper and Frieda explaining to Carl how saying the opposite of what you thought would solve his caustic mouth. Slim was intrigued and listened. Jasper was explaining his theory using coffee as an example. He said, “Let’s say Carl that this cup of coffee is terrible, but you don’t want to say that in front of everyone. So you say, with tongue in cheek, this coffee is the best I’ve drank since we left New Mexico.” Carl’s eyes lit up like a two hundred watt bulb in a dark bathroom.

  “Say no more, I got it. I will practice a little with the waitress when she comes back. My God, why didn’t I think of that years ago? I remember one time a rancher came in and he smelled like manure. I wrinkled my nose and do you know what he said to me? I’ll tell you. He said ‘I smell like money, ’ and it took me a minute to understand what he implied. He owns five thousand acres and raises Herefords. He could buy or sell anything in town. I felt like a fool. I should have said, ‘well, you smell like you are making money and what can I do for you today?” Everyone laughed and Slim laughed the hardest.

  Lunch came and Slim licked his lips pouring half a bottle of ketchup over his fries. He picked up his fork and hamburger and poked where the half pound of beef stuck out the side. Raising it to his mouth a red slice of tomato fell out landing on his fries. Taking a bite the size of a baseball he speared the tomato slice and crammed it in not finding enough room so it stuck out of his mouth swinging back and forth leaving the yellowish brown seeds on his chin. Lilly took her napkin and handed to Slim who was aware of his looks to others at the table who indeed were staring at him. His faced turned the color of what was hanging out of his mouth and covered half his face with the napkin as the waitress returned with Jaspers, Frieda and Carl’s lunch. Carl took the opportunity to say, “Hey this looks delicious and I’m so hungry.” The waitress stared at him like he was an alien who had never eaten at a greasy spoon in his interstellar travels. She broke into a yellow toothy smile and beamed her approval.

  Jasper said, “Carl you have the hang of it now. Maybe you are on the road to a new man and I suggest you try it out on your wife when she returns for her trip down memory lane.” Jasper with a satisfaction of a preacher who just passed the plate hearing the jangle of money daintily picked up his BLT and took a small bite. Carl was happy with his burger and fries and by now Slim had whittled his burger down to the crust dripping mayonnaise onto his pants. Lilly shook her head and smiled at Frieda with a look only meant between women.

  Slim flagged down the waitress and told her he wanted pie with ice cream and make it a double. The waitress was unflappable and never broke stride writing down the order. She looked up at the other diners and when no takers shuffled off in her too big white shoes that looked like hand me downs from the last waitress. Lilly wondered what she must have looked like. Probably like two of the grotesque truck drivers sitting on stools with half their crack showing spilling over the stools looking like fresh mushrooms in a forest.

  Carl sat back with a grin and professed he was satiated and ready to take on the world. He said he needed to make a phone call to his bank and left the table leaving more than enough money for his portion of the check. Not a word was said upon his leaving as snaggle-teeth brought the coffee pot. There were no takers as Slim finished up his pie ala mode. Lilly ordered a BLT to go and continued chatting with Frieda about the bible. Slim was thinking about dinner when Rick came up to the table saying, “Excuse me Slim but the door to the bus is locked and we can hear voices inside. I think Bill and Carol are in there having a good old time and I thought you ought to know.”

  Slim with a very serious look on his face said, “Thanks Rick. I will check it out and after that we will hit the road.” At that he got up to leave with his only thoughts were on his bus. Two truckers were coming through the door when Slim tried to pass them both knocking them back and Lilly couldn’t be sure, but thought she heard some blue language chasing Slim who in a few steps disappeared out of sight. Slim had a key in case of something like this happening and unlocked his door. Rick and Diane were right behind him like dogs in heat. Slim climbed the stairs and headed up the few steps to the top of the bus. The first thing he saw, and Rick and Diane peering around him, were four legs in contorted positions hanging out in the aisle. Slim stopped and cleared his voice loud enough to wake the dead. Bills head popped up and Slim told Lilly later he had a look on his face worse than a kid caught with his hand in the candy jar. And he said, from his height he could see over the seat backs and Carol was naked from the waist up.

  Slim turned his back and waved Rick and Diane back down the stairs as the other passengers were trying to board scrabbling to get out of the oppressive heat and humidity left over from the storm. That gave the risqué couple time to make themselves presentable and for Carol to run to the restroom to make herself over.

  By the time they were back on the freeway, the usual grape vine had the story more colorful than the original version. As talks continued from the time they laid up for the night Sue had said, that Hugh said, that Rick said, Bill had a big pimple on his bum.

  Carl heard snatches of the story, but he was so happy he couldn’t care less if she ran down the aisle naked as a Jay bird. He’
d phoned his bank and told them to wire ten grand to a bank in Chicago. He was going to have some fun for once in his life. He closed his eyes and made plans for Chicago.

  Carol meanwhile stayed in the restroom too embarrassed to come out until Frieda knocked on the door telling her she needed to use the restroom. No choice now she tentatively opened the door a few inches and looked at Frieda with alligator tears running down her face. Frieda reached out and took Carol in her arms while she sobbed against her shoulder. Gut wrenching heaving sobs rocked them both. Frieda pulled her back into two empty seats next to the restroom. Two rows of empty seats separated them from the nearest passengers. Frieda dug into her bag and produced a handkerchief for Carol to blow her nose on and wipe the tears following the deep lines in her face down to her chin. Frieda noticed the smell of old people on her and felt sorry Carol had chosen to use spite in front of Carl to get his attention. Frieda said, “Carol, now stop crying and talk to me why you acted the way you did.”

  Through dry heaves Carol said, “For years I gave him my love and duty as a wife and mother. I guess it just boiled over in the aftermath of a first vacation in memory with all you nice people. I just couldn’t take it anymore the way he treats people. I stood by him and made excuses for his actions like a good wife should. I remember when our oldest said she had a date for the Junior Prom in high school. Not because of her having a first date with a boy, no nothing like that, it was the cost of a dress and he fumed when our daughter told him she needed money to buy a boutonniere for her date. Our daughter ran upstairs to her room crying her little eyes out and all Carl did was mumbling to himself and read the paper wondering out loud when dinner would be ready. Then there was the time our oldest boy wanted a used car to drive to school like some of his friends had. He had a few hundred in savings on his own and worked weekends at a service station pumping gas. He’s a good boy, got good grades and played sports. He asked his father for a loan, not give him the money, but said he could pay him back so much a month. Carl blew up and went into a tirade about how he bought his first car with his own money and so on and so on he went until our son hung his head and left the room. Now Frieda, It’s not like we are poor people, quite the contrary, we have plenty and I could sit here and tell you story after story of his selfishness and lack of respect or compassion for anyone but himself.”

  Frieda thought she couldn’t argue with her on any of her points and was pleased she didn’t use examples of his sourpuss personality with her in mind. All for the kids like a good mother would do. “Carol, you are a good person and I’m sure God will excuse you for your recent behavior. Why not give him one more chance to redeem himself. Maybe if you act as his equal and not submit to him, he will see a stronger ally rather than a milk toast wife.”

  “You know Frieda,” she said with a strong voice, “I will be a new person at dinner tonight with him. I will not apologize, but give him an equal opportunity to say how he really feels. If he meets me half way, well maybe we can pick up the pieces and rebuild a relationship like god intended.”

  “That’s the spirit. Now I will leave you to your thoughts as nature calls,” she said giving her a hug getting up and going to the restroom.

  Slim was in a world of his own: belly full; in love with a wonderful woman; straight flat road; dinner fit for a king waiting up the road; great friends for his last trip with Greyhound; and if he was lucky a night on the motel floor frolicking with Lilly. Their scheduled stop was Springfield, but Slim changed his mind and would stop in Joplin. He loved the town and laughed when he remembered the first time he laid up in Joplin and discovered the pot roast.

  He had been westward bound during a winter snow storm. Driving was treacherous and his stress level was as high as he was tall. Winds were blowing from the Northwest bringing with it cold Arctic air making driving near white out conditions. He remembered being hunched over the wheel following a cattle truck. The cattle looked like frozen caricatures in a knickknack shop window: all white and not moving. Billowing clouds of snow made their own private snow storm behind the truck. Big block letters mostly covered in snow he figured out said: Pride of America. Pure Grain Fed Beef. He chuckled to himself with the thought and later when he walked into the restaurant and found in front of him a sign that said, Special: Pot roast made from pure American grain fed beef. No doubt it’s fresh he remembered thinking. When they served him it was in a small baking pan complete with potatoes and carrots. No spillage here he thought back remembering later how the waitress couldn’t believe he ate the whole thing and wanted seconds! Word spread around the restaurant and both cooks and all the other folks were watching him clean the last of the gravy with homemade rolls. Then when he had three pieces of mincemeat pie, the owner of the restaurant picked up the check and tore it in half……

  Lilly broke his reverie sitting down across from him saying, “Slim, what you are smiling about? Poor Carol is up there crying her eyes out and you’re down her smiling and having a good ole time. Men, I just don’t understand you men sometimes.”

  Slim looked at her, but only after he checked his mirrors and gauges, and notice she had the devil in her eye. “Let me tell you young lady, I was dreaming of our night together in Springfield,” he said with a broad grin and a man look in his eyes.

  “Well, I’ll tell you something mister, I’m not just any old girl you pick up off the street and spend the night with. At least you must buy me dinner,” she said coyly.

  “That will be cheap at half the cost,” he fired back at her.

  “We’ll see about that and I would expect a little romance to go with the evening if you want to spend the night with me!”

  “That reminds me Lilly,” he said seriously, “it’s my birthday today and could you see your way clear to give me a back rub? My shoulders are killing me from all the driving I’ve been doing lately.”

  “Really, then it’s time to have a birthday party. I’ll go up and tell the others tonight’s dinner is on Slim,” she laughed and ran up the stairs leaving Slim to sort out all that was said. The look on his face was one of confusion and ignorance.

  Bill sat in his seat knowing what a fool he made of himself with Carol. How I could have been so stupid, he thought. Now Carol was holed up in the restroom and he sat there feeling all eyes were on him. Like piercing arrows he felt the daggers in the back of his head. I got to get off this bus, he said to himself. Now is the time to cut bait and run. I wonder what is in Springfield for transportation I could rent. A thousand thoughts ran through his head. God I feel old he thought as Jasper interrupted his gloom and asked to sit down if it was all right with Bill. Bill said, “Sure, but I wonder why anyone would want my company after my earlier display of vulgarity.”

  Jasper sat down and gave him a pat on the leg and said with a smooth oiled voice of a preacher, “Bill we all make mistakes and as no physical harm was done and in time all involved with seeing it from a humorous point, let’s talk about it so we can put it to rest once and for all. We are here to have some fun and so far we haven’t been disappointed with our trip. At dinner tonight let’s pretend it never happened.”

  “I don’t know if I can put it to rest just yet Jasper. I took advantage of a lonely woman who was totally vulnerable and almost, or maybe I did, ruin her life with her husband. I will try to be honorable at dinner tonight. Thanks Jasper for stopping by.”

  Chapter 11

  Pulling into the motel in Joplin, Slim felt the excitement of the coming evening and night. He never gave a thought to anyone except Lilly and him spending a nice night together eating and afterwards strolling along the old streets of Joplin talking about the future. As hard as he tried he kept coming back to eating pot roast his obsession with food rose like cream on top of milk. I must stop this, he thought. I have to find some other interest to occupy my time instead of constantly thinking about the next time I will stuff myself. Then for the first time reality hit him that soon he would no longer be a bus driver of his beloved Greyhound.


  He turned off the motor and opened the door. Lilly and most of the passengers were waiting for him to lead the way off the bus when poor old Slim took a header down the stairs like back in Pasadena. Lilly hurried down the steps saying, “Slim are you hurt? My God you are going to be the death of me if you aren’t careful. I think I will lock you in the barn when we buy our farm.”

  Slim heard every word she said as he picked himself up rubbing his elbow where it hit the ground. Nothing serious he thought. Just the usual tumble out the bus and said to Lilly, “We are buying a farm? Where did that idea come from?”

  Lilly her hand over her mouth looking bewildered said, as the other

  passengers stared on hanging on her every word, “I have no idea where that came from, but it sounds good to me.”

  Slim gave her one of his boyish smiles and he walked to raise the baggage compartment doors.

  All the passengers were lined up waiting to sign in at the motel. Lilly noticed Carol hanging back and Carl just ahead of her talking to Hugh. Lilly decided to hang around with Carol and see what happened when Carl signed in at the desk. Carol felt rather than noticed Lilly standing next to her and said, “Lilly, where am I going to sleep tonight? I don’t have much money and Carl hasn’t even looked at me,” as she dug around in her bag for something to wipe the beginning flow of tears off her face.

  “Not to worry Carol. Let’s see what happens in a few minutes. Slim has room and we can give you a place to stay if needed, but I think Carl has changed and maybe we will be surprised at the outcome of this unfortunate or maybe fortunate event today.” By now her tear banks were almost empty and she sniffed and raised her head in a proud way that pleased Lilly.