Finding A Way

by T. E. Black

  All of those old feelings start to stir when I picture the way she looked. Her eyes black from the asshole punching her repeatedly. Her bones showing through her clothing from being too skinny. Heroine will do that to you. It’s a mother fucker. It kills your soul before it kills your mind and body.

  Callie nudges me, waiting for me to continue.

  “I helped her you know? I got her clean, and I got clean myself. I took care of her, and I got a real job. One which supported us and her younger sister Caroline. I wanted everything with her. The wedding, the house, the kids. I wanted it all. We got together, we dated, and she and Caroline lived with me. We spent every moment together when I wasn’t working. Leah was beautiful once she gained her weight back and her face healed. I couldn’t stop looking at her every day. It amazed me how much drugs had taken from her. She was good for a while, she didn’t touch the things. I warned everyone on the street I knew not to go near her with any type of shit they were selling. I threatened every one of them. She never acted like she missed using. So, I never suspected she still was until I got a call from my buddy who let me know she was being taken in an ambulance downtown.”

  I look down at Callie, her eyes watching me as I relive these horrible memories. I see sorrow in her eyes and I fucking hate that. I don’t want anyone feeling bad for me. I don’t want pity; that’s not what I’m after. Leah made her choices, and I’ve come to just accept it.

  “I got in my truck, and sped to the hospital looking for her in the emergency room. No one would tell me shit. I wasn’t her legal family and therefore, I had no right or whatever to hear what was happening. I sat in the waiting room like a caged animal for the entire night, waiting for someone to give me something, anything. I was going fucking crazy. Some doctor in a white coat came out and called for me to come in the back. He took me into his office, and I knew whatever he would tell me wasn’t good, but still, I hoped and prayed she was okay. What he told me shocked the hell out of me and I fucking lost it. I trashed his office, screaming at him while he called security to have me escorted out. I was so fucking mad, Callie.”

  “Sir, I'm very sorry, but Leah didn't make it. We tried to save the baby, but there was too much toxicity surrounding the fetus. I’m very sorry. I want you to know we tried everything we could. It just wasn’t enough.”

  Callie speaks softly again, this time I could hear the tears that shook her voice.

  “What happened?”

  I look down at her, kissing the top of her head again. There are very few people who know this story, and I’m spilling it all to this beautiful girl lying in my arms who is barely more than a stranger.

  “She was pregnant, and neither of them made it,” I speak into her hair.

  Callie squeezes me harder this time, placing a gentle kiss on my chest where her head is.

  “I’m sorry Mac. What happened to Caroline?”

  I give her a little squeeze letting her know it’s okay. I tried to leave out Caroline because she isn't part of this story. She isn't part of Leah and I. Caroline is her own story alone, but I will have to give her something.

  “It’s okay Red. Caroline's grandmother took her in.”

  We laid in silence until Callie dozed off to sleep. I didn’t want her to feel weird tomorrow with me in her bed so, I left and headed home.

  When I walk in the door to my apartment, Nook comes running toward me carrying one of the couch pillows. I shake my head at this dog’s constant need to destroy my house. I just can’t stay mad at her though. She’s too damn cute. I reach for the pillow, trying to take it from her. Instead, she thinks this means I wanna play tug of war because she pulls on it hard, causing it to rip up the middle, stuffing flying everywhere. I try to yell at her, I really do, but I’m emotionally spent after talking to Callie about Leah. Instead of scolding her, I rub her head softly, letting her know it’s bedtime. I’ll clean up the pillow mess in the morning.

  She follows me upstairs and hops in her spot in the bed with me, cuddling up to me just like Callie did. Putting her head in the crook of my arm. I give her a kiss on the head before we both fall asleep.

  I wake up to the sound of a jackhammer going off inside my head. This is horrible. Groaning, I roll over checking my phone to see what time it is. One o'clock. You've got to be kidding me. I slept half of the damn day away. I never sleep this late. As much as I don’t want to, I hop out bed. Well, more like crawl out the bed. I check out my appearance in the mirror. I look like I was run over by a truck. My hair is sticking out in every direction possible and I have bags under my eyes which make me look like an old woman.

  I make myself presentable before heading downstairs to see what everyone else is doing. I hear no one inside, but outside I hear the loud roaring of a motorcycle followed by laughter. I look out the window and see Sierra and Evan talking to somebody sitting on a beautiful Harley Davidson.

  Opening the door, I pad out to them, wishing I’d fixed myself up a little more for the mysterious motorcycle man. I can't make out his face from the steps of the apartment, but I do let myself appreciate his muscular build that lies under his black, worn leather jacket.

  I attempt to rid any leftover makeup under my eyes by swiping my fingers underneath them. Sierra stands blocking the man from my view, but as she hears me shut the front door. She turns to see me and yells for me to come over to them.

  "Callie, come here! You have to see Mac's bike!" she squeals at me.

  Once she moves, I can clearly see Mac, his jean clad legs straddling the beautiful Harley Davidson, looking so sexy I have to pick my jaw up from the ground. Holy shit. If I thought he was hot before, then this just tops the freaking cake. Seeing him control such a heavy and big machine excites every nerve in my body. He pulls his aviators off and looks brightly at me with each step I take.

  "How ya feeling today, Red?"

  I feel my stomach turn just referring to last night, but I put a smile on, making sure he doesn't know I feel like complete hell. The last thing I want is for him to think I can't hang with the big dogs as he said last night.

  "I'm good," I lie through my teeth.

  He doesn't believe me one bit because he chuckles at me, raising his eyebrows.

  "You don't look like you're feeling too hot, but then again, a half bottle of jack will do that to ya."

  Sierra comes to my defense even though she knows I'm a lightweight when it comes to liquor. Beer I can handle. Wine? Sure. Liquor? Not at all.

  "She's fine Mac, but I think what would make her feel better was if you take her for a ride."

  I turn to her with every intention of shooting a glare at her, but instead I burst out laughing at her serious face. She has a good poker face at the moment. I'm sure Mac thinks nothing of her suggestion. I, on the other hand, know her matchmaking intentions.

  "What do you say, Red, wanna hop on?"

  I figure I might as well enjoy my last day before classes start, and the weather is gorgeous and warm. There’s also the plus side of getting to cozy up to Mac for a while.

  "Sure, but I gotta shower quickly, and get dressed," I answer.

  I sit in the living room shooting shit with Evan, who has been up all night himself. Thoughts of Callie getting on the back of my bike makes my heart do crazy things. It’s a serious thing getting her on my bike. I don’t take chicks on it, except for Ryleigh, but that’s different.

  "I see you had a good night,” I imply while my eyes dart to the stairs, waiting for Callie to get ready.

  Evan lets out a loud laugh.

  “Yeah man, didn’t get much sleep.” Flicking his head toward the stairs, he adds, “My girl has needs, and what kind of man would I be if I didn't fulfill them?”

  I shake my head at his cocky attitude.

  “Yeah, I guess it’s the least you could do.”

  A smile breaks out on his face, directing his attention on me.

  “What’s going on with you and Callie? You seemed cozy on the dance floor last night."

  I
hate he’s implying I would sleep with her after two nights, but I guess I can't say I wouldn't if she wanted to. Usually, by night two, I’d have a woman bent over the kitchen counter in my apartment, screaming my name for the entire neighborhood to hear.

  Shaking the thought from my mind, I give him a light tap on the arm.

  “Nah, not that one. She’s not the kind you screw and leave hanging. She’s something else. You gotta work for that shit with her, man.”

  He looks taken aback by my statement, clutching his chest as he breaks out into a fit of laughter, and wiping at his eyes.

  “Wow, I never thought I’d see the day, dude. Never fucking ever. You like this chick. You like her enough not fuck her and duff her. When’s the fucking wedding?”

  He continues his fit of laughter, pissing me off. I punch him a little harder this time causing him to wince and grab at his arm.

  “What the fuck asshole? I was just kidding.” He continues running his mouth. “I just wanted to know when the wedding was so I could clear my calendar.”

  I’m gonna kill this fucker. Hopping up from the couch, I shoot him a glare, ready to give him more than a light tap if he keeps this shit up.

  “Shut the fuck up, man. I don’t wanna hear it. I should ask you when your wedding date is. You’re so far up your girl’s ass I couldn’t pull you out if I tried.”

  He can dish it, but can't take it.

  I move my eyes toward the sound of footsteps. Callie is standing at the bottom of the stairs looking between Evan and me with confusion written on her face. My eyes charge over her body taking in her outfit choice. Her hair is pulled back into a braid which hangs down her back, exposing the pale skin of her neck. Her chest is covered by a black leather jacket that stops just about her waist. It’s tight, and cropped, showing off her luscious stomach, while dark blue denim hangs low on her hips, making my mouth fucking water. Letting my gaze travel down her jean covered legs, I stop at her feet, taking in the same pink converse I’ve become quite fond of.

  “Is this okay? I’ve never been on a bike. So, I didn't know what I should wear. I can change if this is wrong.” Her voice trails off, leaving her question linger in the air.

  “You're perfect, Red.”

  We’ve been riding now for about twenty minutes, heading out into the countryside where there aren’t many cars on the road. Mac suggested taking a trip up here for my first time, letting me know sometimes the heavy traffic in the city could be pretty intimidating for a first-timer. Being on the bike was extremely nerve-wracking at first, feeling like I would fly off the minute I let go of Mac. He urged me to wrap my arms tightly around his waist. I was reluctant at first, but soon found out I felt much safer snuggled into his back. I ended up getting comfortable within the first ten minutes, although the heavy fear of falling off still lingered in the back of my mind.

  Mac must have sensed my apprehension still because he takes one hand off the handlebar and places it on top of my hands which are currently fisting onto his leather jacket. He slowly rubs circles on my hands and I relax. It's nice being wrapped around him, comforting even. He isn't the man I thought he was a couple days ago. He's exactly like me—protecting his heart so no one gets the chance to break it.

  He removes his fingers from rubbing my hand, reaching back, and placing it on my thigh instead. Sparks ignite in me. He gives it a light squeeze nearly making me fall off the back of the bike. I jump slightly causing the bike to sway. I guess that’s what he was talking about earlier.

  Mac explained I needed to try not to move too much because if I moved, the bike would move with me. So, the more I sat still, the easier it would be for him to control the heavy machine which carried us through the roaring hills of the countryside.

  I hear Mac flip on his blinker to pull into a small dirt area on the side of the road. I loosen my grip on him once he shut the bike off, but he seemed reluctant to let my hands leave his body. He grabs my hand, pulling it into his.

  “What did you think?” he asks.

  I smile behind him, watching his matching expression in the mirror.

  “I love it. It’s the craziest feeling I’ve ever felt. I feel free.”

  He nods his head, still watching me through the mirror.

  “I knew you’d love it.”

  When he breaks the contact by nudging me to get off, I bring my leg over the bike, being careful to avoid the extremely hot exhaust pipe, which he had warned me about earlier, too. He told me if I didn’t want a burn the size of Texas on my leg, then avoid the pipe at all costs.

  Taking my helmet off, I walk around to stretch the muscles which are now cramped in my legs. There’s no pain worse than the pain I’m feeling now. I love the bike and everything, but my legs are not loving it as much as I am.

  I hear Mac’s feet hit the dirt underneath his boots. He chuckles behind me, his feet coming to a stop behind me.

  “You’ll get used to it; it won’t happen as often once you ride a couple times.”

  “Does that mean you’ll take me again?” I ask, hopeful he’ll say yes.

  Coming up behind me, I feel his hands slip around my waist. Pulling me closer into him, he whispers in my ear softly.

  "If that's what ya want, Callie."

  His voice makes chills break out all over my body. I smile, nodding my head. His arms wrapped around me feel right, like they’re meant to be there. They feel like they were always meant to be there.

  "I would love to go again. I’m kind of in love with your bike Mac."

  He chuckles into my hair, giving me a kiss on the top of my head. Pulling away, he reaches for my hands, tugging me down a small path which leads through the trees.

  “Come on, I wanna show ya something. I think you’ll like it.”

  There’s a spot where I spend a lot of my time at when I ride by myself. I always stop here no matter what. It's a secluded area set back from the road. A creek runs a path through the vibrant green trees there, portraying a scene breathtaking enough to be one of those photographs people hang on their walls. It’s my oasis. Callie must agree.

  "It's beautiful," she breathes out softly.

  Yes, you are.

  Instead of staring at the view I've seen countless times before, I focus on her. I focus on the highlights that play peek-a-boo in her deep red hair. I focus on the smile which displays on her face, accentuating her already existent beauty. How this girl doesn’t have men falling at her feet is beyond me. I’d fucking kill to have her as mine.

  I urge her to turn toward me. Her face comes into my view and it takes my fucking breath away.

  "You should smile more."

  A beautiful shade of pink floats over her cheeks

  "Thank you," she returns.

  I take a seat on a rock that stands just above the water, leaving enough room for her to sit next to me. Taking her place, she scoots in.

  “Quit bumping shoulders with me, buddy. It’s like playing footsie with me, except you’re using your big shoulders, so you’re cheating.” She lets out a loud, adorable laugh.

  I act like I’m offended, but I’m not. Any form of touching her is all right in my book.

  “Don’t be mad because you’re little. Just because I’m twice the size of you, doesn’t mean I’m cheating.”

  She scoffs at me jokingly.

  “Hey I may be little, but I’m freaking awesome. Thank you very much.”

  Throwing my hands up in surrender, I use the distance between us to reach around her midsection to pull her body into me. She settles in between my legs and I rest my chin on top of her head. We fit like a fucking glove together. It’s the best damn feeling in the entire world to be this perfect with somebody else.

  "Whatcha thinkin’ about?" I ask, urging her to open up.

  Callie’s eyes take in the still creek and evergreen colored trees. She lets out a little noise. The noise makes my heart jump with emotion.

  "I’m thinking about how much I like this. How much I like us. How perfect everyth
ing is right here, right now."

  "Me too, Callie," I confirm.

  I feel her breathing steady into a comfortable rhythm as she continues to talk. The only noise floating through my ears is my heart beating out of my chest. This girl makes me feel things I’ve only heard about. She makes me feel things I never even felt for Leah. It’s a scary fucking feeling.

  "You know this," she gestures toward the creek and trees, "is something I appreciate. It's so peaceful here. No noise, no worries. Nothing but you and me."

  Smirking into her hair, my arms squeeze her a little tighter. I place a soft kiss at the crown of her head, this time letting my lips linger there.

  "You know, I guess the saying is true."

  She tilts her head back, staring at me with her hypnotizing eyes, but questioning me silently.

  "All good things are wild and free."

  I watch her eyes light up at my quoting Henry David Thoreau. Don’t ask me how I remember that shit. I just fucking do. In middle school, my crazy English teacher had the saying plastered all over her classroom walls, and I guess it stuck with me all these years.

  When I said it though, I wasn't referring to the woods by any means. I was referring to her. Her carefree attitude, and her wild side which comes out to play every now and then, and not to mention how fucking good she is. Good for me, that is.

  She lets a light “mmmm” noise I've heard a million times before, but hearing her make it, is my new favorite. I keep mentally adding things I like about her to the list in my head, and it's getting too fucking long to keep count now.

  "I love that." She smiles, shifting in my arms.

  We sit together, never breaking the contact once. I run my fingers along her hands in a steady motion and we find happiness in a comfortable silence. These are the moments I'd kill to have with her for the rest of my life. I feel like my barriers are breaking down. She’s making the walls I’ve worked so hard on building crumble to dust. I don’t even give a shit either. She could make my whole world crumble at my feet. So long as she was standing in the middle of the wreckage, I’d be the happiest mother fucker on the planet.