Batpants!

by Batpants! (retail) (epub)

  I turned to go, but Finn wasn’t behind me. When I looked back he was standing frozen, staring at the cage. Inside I could see there were now two gorillas. TWO?

  And then one of them pulled off its head.

  11 Go, Batpants, Go!

  It was Cressida Crappletart! What was she up to? She was supposed to be wrestling with Mum. I shoved a hand over Finn’s mouth and dragged him down to the ground.

  ‘MMMMM-MM-MMMMM?!’ That was what he tried to say.

  ‘Shush. I’m sure Cressida Crappletart’s up to something. Keep quiet and we’ll creep nearer.’

  It’s not much fun crawling through the undergrowth, I can tell you. You’ve got stones and sharp twigs sticking in your knees, plus I had little brother punching my bottom.

  ‘I can’t see ANYTHING because your bum is MASSIVE.’

  ‘It is NOT massive.’

  ‘It is. It’s bigger than Jupiter and that’s the biggest planet in the –’

  ‘Will you pipe down!’ I hissed back. ‘I want to see what’s going on.’

  ‘Planet-bum,’ muttered Finn, and then he went quiet at last.

  Cressida carefully slid back the bolt on the gorilla’s cage. She let the door swing open and then hurried out of harm’s way. Tuesday stepped from the cage. Now he was in the abbey grounds where Colorado Kate was supposed to be hunting for clues to the Mystery of the Crimson Chameleon.

  The great ape stood there, wondering what to do with himself. That was when Cressida picked up a stone and flung it at the gorilla’s head. Ouch! That was nasty. Tuesday gave a roar of pain and blundered forward wildly, disappearing into the abbey, while Cressida vanished back among the trees.

  ‘Mum’ I gasped. ‘We’ve got to warn Mum!’

  We took off round the edge of the abbey. We had to run right round the outside of the pen, racing and panting, tripping over our feet. As we neared the film crew I saw that it was already too late.

  Tuesday was in a rage and heading for Mum. Dad was in the pen too, frantically clicking and waving his arms, but Tuesday was too angry to take any notice. The gorilla saw Mum crouching on the ground, searching for clues, and made straight for her. Mum of course thought it was Cressida.

  ‘Emma!’ yelled Dad. ‘Get out! It’s Tuesday!’

  ‘Somebody stop him,’ I cried.

  The marksman was already in position. There was a muffled bang and the dart hit Tuesday. But he was still raging forward and it would all be too late.

  Suddenly, there was a noise of crashing cameras and overturned chairs. I wheeled round to see what it was. Batpants! Boy, was she angry! She was showing all her teeth and chattering with rage.

  ‘Nugg-nugg-nugg-nugg-nugg!!’

  She came hurtling through the crew, sending everything in her path tumbling to the ground. People leapt out of her way. Cameras toppled over. Chairs went flying. So did one or two people as they dived for cover.

  Batpants went charging into the pen, her arms going round like windmills, hollering like some crazy beast. ‘HOO HOO HOOOOEY HOOOOOOO!’ I’d never seen her run so fast. (Actually, I’d never seen her run!)

  She headed straight for Tuesday, hooting and howling like a steam engine thundering out of a tunnel. And then, just as Tuesday was about to grab Mum, Batpants leapt into the air and hurled herself at the great ape. She landed with her full weight, her feet punching into the gorilla’s chest.

  For a few moments Tuesday was winded and very surprised. In those vital seconds Batpants climbed up the ape’s back, sitting astride his shoulders with her hands firmly over his eyes. Tuesday began to shake his head and pull at Batpants, who was a lot smaller than the gorilla. But Batpants clung on, shrieking, while Tuesday roared and raged and shook his furious head.

  Dad sprinted across and helped Mum to safety. By the time they were back outside the pen, Tuesday’s movements were getting weaker and more sluggish as the drug took effect. Finally, he slumped to the ground in a deep sleep.

  Batpants climbed on to the gorilla’s chest and held up her hands in triumph. The film crew rose to their feet, cheering and clapping, whooping and whistling.

  And then the questions began. How had the gorilla escaped? Surely Dad had shut him away?

  Cressida Crappletart appeared, rubbing her head. ‘What happened?’ she asked. ‘I took up my position and the next thing I knew I was lying on the ground by Tuesday’s cage, the door was open and he’d gone. What’s been going on?’

  ‘The gorilla must have knocked you out cold,’ someone suggested. ‘He’s dangerous.’

  ‘Doesn’t sound like Tuesday,’ murmured Dad. ‘He’s a gentle giant normally.’

  ‘It wasn’t Tuesday,’ Finn shouted, pointing straight at Cressida. ‘It was her!’

  The stuntwoman laughed loudly. ‘You’ve got to be kidding. Don’t be crazy. What are you saying about me?’

  ‘Finn’s right.’ I said. Boy, I was so angry I could hardly speak. You know how people sometimes say they’re boiling with rage? Well, I felt like I’d explode with heat!

  ‘We went round the back to see Tuesday. We’d almost left when Cressida arrived in her costume. She took off her head. She let Tuesday out and then threw a stone at him. That’s when he went charging out. We both saw it.’

  ‘You can’t believe them!’ yelled Cressida. ‘They’re kids! What do they know? They’re just jealous because I’m a better stuntwoman than – than – HER!’ she spat at last, glaring at Mum.

  Mum looked at Cressida in disbelief. ‘Why would you want to do that, Cressida? I might have been killed.’

  ‘Because I should have your job. I’m better than you and everyone knows it! I should be Colorado Kate’s stuntwoman, not you!’

  Everyone looked at Cressida in shocked silence. Batpants offered her own little burp of shock. ‘Uuuurp.’

  Alana called across several security guards. ‘Take Cressida to her caravan and keep her there until the police come.’

  Cressida was escorted away, still yelling that she should have been Colorado Kate.

  We could talk about nothing else for the rest of the day. Alana called an end to filming for the time being. Everyone was too stunned. The crew drifted away, talking quietly to each other. Dad was busy with Tuesday, making sure the gorilla came round safely from the tranquillizer. Mum was checking that Batpants was OK.

  Zak had his arm round Lacewing and was holding her close. He saw me looking and scowled.

  ‘I’m comforting her,’ he growled. ‘She’s upset.’

  I gave Zak my most serious and caring look. ‘You’d better kiss her better then, hadn’t you?’ And just to help I added the right sound effect.

  SSSSHHHTTPPPPPP!

  11 and a bit

  The Disgusting End

  Mum was pretty shaken by the whole business. In fact, everyone was edgy.

  ‘Maybe it was Cressida who made the beam over the sewer wobble,’ Zak suggested.

  ‘What?’ Dad swung round.

  ‘Can’t prove it,’ Zak went on. He put a hand in his pocket and pulled out the stone. ‘Tilly and Finn and I took a look at the beam when nobody was around. This stone was underneath one end. It unbalanced the whole thing – you know, like a table with one leg shorter than the others. I dunno, maybe the special effects guys did it.’

  Mum shook her head. ‘The crew would never have done anything as crazy as that. The plank was carefully designed to almost break, not to wobble. You’ve no idea how much care those guys take over things like that. Our lives are at risk when we do stunts. Everything has to be thought through.’

  She shook her head again. ‘No, someone put that stone there. We can probably never prove it was Cressida, but I think you’re right, Zak. Clearly she’s mad enough to do something like that.’

  ‘So it wasn’t a hungry crocodile then?’ asked Finn, throwing me a scowl.

  Dad hugged Mum closely. ‘The main thing is you’re OK. We’re all OK,’ he added, smiling back at us.

  At that point, Batpants wandered in w
earing a tea towel on her head and carrying a large saucepan.

  ‘Heeee-heeeeeee,’ she said.

  ‘She’s hungry,’ I interpreted.

  ‘She’s always hungry,’ laughed Mum, handing the ape a banana.

  Zak cleared his throat and announced that he was off to find Lacewing.

  ‘Lacewing?’ repeated Dad as the door shut behind Zak. ‘Isn’t that an insect?’

  ‘Girlfriend,’ Finn and Mum chorused.

  ‘Latest,’ I added. ‘You know what he’s like. He sees a girl and he’s in love. Again. Still, if they get married we could all move to Hollywood.’

  Mum and Dad were puzzled. ‘How do you work that out?’ asked Dad.

  ‘Lacewing is Frangelika Wotnot’s daughter. Zak’s going out with a film star’s daughter! How peachy is that! Yay!’ I punched the air.

  Mum placed a gentle hand on my shoulder. ‘Tilly, I’m sorry to disappoint you, but, firstly, have you forgotten Zak is thirteen? He’s not marrying anyone for quite some time yet.’

  I shrugged. ‘I can wait.’

  ‘Maybe, but there’s something else you should know,’ Mum went on. ‘Lacewing is not Frangelika’s daughter. She is the daughter of Alana.’

  ‘Honestly, Zak’s useless,’ I muttered. ‘Can’t he get anything right? He was supposed to be going out with Frangelika Wotnot’s daughter, not the director’s.’

  ‘But you were the one who said she was Frangelika’s daughter,’ Finn pointed out. ‘Zak never said.’

  I glared at my little brother. ‘Finn, why don’t you go and do something useful, like count your earwigs?’

  ‘OK,’ said Finn and off he went happily. Honestly, sarcasm is wasted on the young. So that’s two useless brothers I’ve got. That left me with Batpants. She was the only sensible one around.

  I looked at her. ‘Thank goodness you’re clever,’ I told her.

  Batpants threw one arm round my shoulders. Then she shoved what was left of her banana into my left ear.

  SPLURRRPPPPPP!