Zombie Bums from Uranus

by Andy Griffiths

  Zack’s bum finished its impression of a maggot.

  ‘Good!’ said the Forker. ‘Now, where is the Maggotorium? Show me the direction.’

  ‘It’s north-east of the town, so I point this way,’ said Zack’s bum, extending its arm towards the back of the bum-mobile.

  ‘No!’ said the Forker. ‘That’s south-west! Come on! We’ve been over and over this!’

  ‘Okay, okay,’ said Zack’s bum pointing towards the front of the bum-mobile. ‘North-east! There . . . How’s that?’

  ‘Better,’ said the Forker, biting his lip. ‘And how far?’

  ‘It’s two kilometres from the centre of town to the Maggotorium,’ said Zack’s bum, pumping its right arm in the air, ‘so I shake my arm twice.’

  The Forker nodded uncertainly. ‘Okay,’ he said. ‘Do you want to go through it one more time?’

  ‘NO!’ said Zack’s bum, jumping up from its seat and pushing Zack’s hand away. ‘And no more makeup either. I don’t want to look like a cissy.’

  ‘Uh-oh,’ said Eleanor. ‘Looks like we’ve got company.’

  Zack looked out the window.

  Although they’d only been stationary for a few minutes the bum-mobile was completely surrounded—as far as they could see—by zombies and zombie bums.

  ‘I sure hope this works,’ said Eleanor.

  ‘Me too,’ said Zack’s bum, gulping, as it prepared to leave the bum-mobile.

  Gran saluted Zack’s bum. ‘It’s a brave thing you’re doing, soldier!’ she said.

  Zack shook his bum’s hand. ‘Good luck,’ he said. ‘May your bum be with you.’

  ‘I am a bum, you idiot,’ said Zack’s bum, climbing the hatch ladder.

  ‘Don’t forget that it’s north-east!’ called out the Forker. ‘Not south-west.’

  ‘No worries!’ said Zack’s bum. ‘Not south-west . . . It’s north-east!’ It pointed to the south-west again.

  ‘NO!’ yelled the Forker. ‘It’s—’

  ‘Just kidding,’ said Zack’s bum and it disappeared out of the hatch.

  Zack watched nervously through the windscreen as his bum climbed out onto the nose of the bum-mobile.

  The zombies and zombie bums surged in closer.

  Zack’s bum started to do the moves the Forker had taught it.

  It wriggled.

  It pointed.

  It shook its right arm twice.

  The zombies and zombie bums watched it closely, without moving, while Zack’s bum did the moves over and over and over again.

  And then they attacked.

  Zombie bums flew through the air, knocking Zack’s bum over. It grabbed onto the side of the bum-mobile and held on tightly as the zombies tried to pull it down into the crowd.

  ‘I should have known this would happen!’ screamed Eleanor, desperately trying to power up the bum-mobile.

  ‘I can’t understand it,’ said the Forker. ‘He did it exactly like I taught him . . .’

  Zack looked at his bum. All the colour had drained from it. It was terrified.

  ‘I have to go and save my bum!’ yelled Zack.

  ‘Have you got methane madness?’ said Eleanor. ‘You’ll be zombie-bummified for sure!’

  Zack stopped. How was he going to save his bum?

  He hadn’t learnt the dance. And it didn’t work anyway. And even if he had learnt it—which he hadn’t—and even if it did work—which it didn’t—he couldn’t dance. Except for the hokey pokey, of course . . .

  But that was it!

  The Blind Bum-feeler had told him to do the hokey pokey, and that he would know when to do it. And if there was any time to do the hokey pokey, it was right now.

  ‘I’m going to do the hokey pokey!’ said Zack.

  ‘You definitely have got methane madness,’ said Eleanor.

  But Zack was already halfway out of the bum-mobile.

  Outside the air was rancid with zombie bum stench. It was almost as bad as the black smoke. Zack could hardly breathe.

  ‘Zack,’ called his bum. ‘Help me!’

  ‘Okay!’ he said to his bum. ‘But you have to do exactly what I tell you to!’

  ‘You’re the boss,’ said his shaking bum.

  ‘Put your left foot in,’ said Zack, putting his left foot in.

  His bum followed.

  ‘Now put your left foot out,’ said Zack, putting his left foot out.

  Zack watched as his bum copied. He also noted that quite a few of the zombies were copying as well.

  ‘Now put your left foot in and shake it all about,’ said Zack.

  But then his bum stopped. ‘What’s this all about?’ it said.

  ‘Just look out there,’ said Zack, ‘and you’ll see!’

  Zack and his bum looked, and to their amazement, they saw that every single zombie bum had abandoned its human host and was doing the hokey pokey. The dance had a strange hypnotic power over them.

  ‘See?’ said Zack, ‘that’s what it’s all about!’ and he clapped his hands twice.

  ‘Oh!’ said his bum, clapping its hands as well. ‘I get it!’

  ‘Let’s go!’ cried Zack, jumping down onto the ground and hokey-pokeying his way through the crowd in the direction of the Maggotorium.

  He looked behind him and to his great relief saw that, along with his own bum, the entire hokey-pokeying zombie-bum population of Mabeltown were following him.

  Meanwhile back on Uranus, the long eighty-four Earth year orbit of the sun dragged on.

  The sun was visible from Uranus, but only a fraction of the massive nuclear furnace’s light reached the planet’s surface. And even less reached James and Judi at the bottom of the crater.

  Judi and James looked at one another.

  They’d been in plenty of serious situations together before, but none quite as serious as this.

  Standing on the Great White Bum at the bottom of a hole on a hostile planet on the far side of the solar system took the meaning of ‘serious situation’ to a whole new level.

  A serious new level.

  But did they panic?

  No.

  James and Judi Freeman were professionals. They simply analysed their situation logically . . . carefully weighing up the positives and the negatives in an attempt to find a solution.

  ‘All right,’ said James. ‘This is the situation as I see it. We’re standing on the Great White Bum at the bottom of a hole on a hostile planet on the far side of the solar system.’

  Judi nodded. James continued.

  ‘And the sides of the hole are too slippery and unstable to climb and it’s 240 degrees below zero and at night it’s going to get even colder and we don’t have any blankets, food or water. I think that pretty much sums up the positives.’

  ‘You mean there are negatives?’ said Judi, feigning surprise.

  ‘Yes, I’m afraid so,’ said James. ‘But only two.’

  ‘What are they?’ said Judi.

  ‘Well,’ said James, his eyes suddenly widening into twin saucers of horror, ‘number one, WE’RE DOOMED, and number two, WE’RE GOING TO DIE!!!’

  Judi just laughed.

  ‘Why are you laughing?’ said James. ‘This is serious! Seriously serious!’

  ‘Really, James,’ she said, ‘I think you’re being a little overdramatic. I don’t think the situation is quite as bad as you make out.’

  ‘How could it not be?’ he said.

  Judi smiled. ‘You said we couldn’t climb out, right?’

  ‘That’s right,’ said James. ‘It’s impossible.’

  ‘But there’s nothing to stop us from jumping, is there?’ said Judi.

  ‘Huh?’ said James.

  Judi smiled and pushed the Great White Bum’s hide with her toe. ‘Look at this,’ she said. ‘It’s hard on top, but there’s a lot of blubber underneath. ’

  ‘So?’ said James.

  ‘So,’ said Judi. ‘Blubber is like rubber. And our bodies currently weigh more than four times their normal weight. This extr
a weight should be more than enough to allow us to turn the Great White Bum into a giant bumpoline, which—if my calculations are correct—will allow us to bounce out of the crater to safety.’

  Judi was beaming with the brilliance of her idea.

  James studied her closely. ‘I think you might have methane madness,’ he said.

  ‘No, I haven’t!’ said Judi. ‘Watch.’

  She steadied herself on the wobbly surface of the Great White Bum and started to bounce. Small cautious bounces at first, which gradually led into bigger and more daring jumps.

  ‘Judi,’ said James, breaking into a broad grin, ‘you’re a genius!’

  He started bouncing as well, turning his arms in tight circles like he used to when he jumped on his bed as a little boy back on Earth.

  Within moments James and Judi’s bounces were truly awesome, sending them many hundreds of metres upwards—almost to the top of the crater. The bounces were so high—and so deep—that it looked like they were bungee-jumping with an invisible bungee cord.

  ‘I haven’t had so much fun in years!’ said James in to his headset as he shot up past Judi.

  ‘Me neither,’ replied Judi as she hurtled back down towards the Great White Bum’s rubbery hide.

  But just before she touched down for her next bounce, she noticed the Great White Bum begin to stir.

  ‘James!’ she said. ‘It’s moving!’

  Suddenly an unearthly noise filled the crater. It was hard to say what it was exactly—something between a shriek and a war cry—but whatever it was, it filled James and Judi with a strange nameless dread.

  ‘Uh-oh. Our bouncing must have revived it!’ said James. ‘Put everything you’ve got into your next bounce. We’ve got to make the top of the crater and get out of here before it wakes up completely!’

  Judi hit the Great White Bum and used her powerful legs to take off with incredible force. She stretched her hands above her head, put her palms together and shot out of the top of the crater like a human torpedo. With a squelch she landed head-first in the boggy surface of Uranus.

  Inspired by Judi’s success, James tried the same manoeuvre, but as he attempted to bounce, the damaged hide of the Great White Bum shifted again and he hit a deep dimple that absorbed much of the force of his jump. He shot up, but only managed to draw level with the top of the hole. He whipped a toilet brush out of his belt and tried to drive it deep into the side of the crater, but the Uranusian gravity was too strong. It started pulling him back down before he could get the toilet brush properly anchored.

  Just as James was beginning to think that he was doomed and was going to die after all, he heard another ear-splitting roar of pain and fury, and a huge blast of gas from below picked him up, carried him out of the crater and dumped him right beside Judi, who had just extracted her head from the Uranusian bog.

  ‘Aaagghhh!’ yelled James, putting his arms over his head. ‘A bog monster! Don’t hurt me!’

  ‘It’s just me, you idiot,’ said Judi, wiping the brown sludge off her space helmet.

  James relaxed. ‘Of course,’ he said, trying to laugh it off. ‘I knew that. Just kidding!’

  Judi laughed as well.

  ‘Told you there was nothing to worry about,’ said James.

  ‘Come on,’ said Judi. ‘We don’t have a moment to lose.’

  James nodded. He climbed off Judi. Then his face darkened. ‘Uh-oh,’ he said.

  ‘What?’ said Judi.

  But James couldn’t speak.

  Judi turned to see the most terrifying sight of her entire life.

  Hovering above the crater, borne aloft by its own poisonous fumes, was the Great White Bum.

  Judi looked at James.

  James looked at Judi.

  ‘We’re doomed and we’re going to die!’ yelled Judi.

  ‘No we’re not!’ said James. ‘RUN!’

  ‘We can’t run!’ said Judi.

  ‘THEN CRAWL!’ said James. ‘And whatever you do, don’t look back!’

  They started crawling.

  Crawling through the brown muck at a sickeningly slow pace.

  The Great White Bum roared.

  James and Judi Freeman felt its hot wind blasting them from behind. They could feel the sludge vibrating around them. Judi turned to look at their pursuer.

  ‘Don’t look back!’ yelled James. ‘Keep your eyes on the bum-mobile!’

  Judi nodded dumbly.

  She appreciated James’s efforts, but she knew it was useless. They might as well accept the facts of their situation, and the facts of their situation were that they were doomed and they were going to die.

  They would never see Earth again.

  They would never see their son again.

  Judi cried as she crawled.

  Of all the rotten bad bum-fighting luck! They’d managed to survive more than twenty years of every dangerous bum and bum-fighting dilemma imaginable . . . until now, anyway.

  But somehow, miraculously, Judi saw through her tears that they were getting closer to the bum-mobile. Either that, or the bum-mobile was getting closer to them. But then, so was the Great White Bum.

  ‘Not far now,’ said James. ‘Keep crawling!’

  Judi summoned the last reserves of her strength and crawled with all her might.

  The next thing she knew—and this had to be a miracle—she found her brown, sludge-covered hand clutching the ladder that led up the side of the bum-mobile.

  She saw James’s boot disappearing over the top.

  There was still hope!

  Despite the powerful gravity pulling her backwards, Judi followed him up and was about to drop down into the hatch when she turned around and saw the Great White Bum . . . halfway between the crater and the bum-mobile.

  Judi dropped down, sealed the hatch and yelled at James to gun it.

  James, who needed no encouragement, was already in the pilot’s seat stamping violently on the thruster pedal.

  But the bum-mobile was struggling.

  Its engine—an X-9000 bran-assisted bowel-action turbo-thruster, which, while powerful enough in its day, had never been designed with the crippling demands of interplanetary travel in mind—was having trouble getting sufficient thrust to break away from the powerful Uranusian gravity. The fact that it was half-buried in sludge was not helping.

  James slammed the steering wheel in frustration. ‘It’s stuck!’ he yelled.

  Then he looked out of the windscreen.

  But there was nothing to see but the vast glowing whiteness of the Great White Bum.

  James cried out and then went rigid with fear.

  ‘James?’ said Judi, running up to the cockpit.

  She saw the bum and drew in her breath.

  She saw James. He was sitting in his seat, completely frozen. Staring straight ahead of him.

  Judi waved her hand in front of his eyes. ‘James!’ she said. ‘Snap out of it!’

  But James’s only response was to turn and look at her as if she was a stranger.

  ‘James Freeman!’ she yelled, grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking him violently. ‘Don’t do this to me! You can’t give up now! Don’t leave me here alone!’

  But James just stared at her.

  Judi stared back at him, horrified. Her shoulders slumped and she sighed heavily. So this was how it would end for them. Any moment now the Great White Bum would huff and puff and blow the bum-mobile apart.

  Then she noticed a light flashing on the control panel in front of her.

  She focused on it. It was the special bumergency recall lamp. She smiled at the irony. There was nothing she would rather have done in the entire univarse than return home at that moment, and no possible way that she could.

  She pushed the button. A small computer screen popped up. Judi read the message:

  TO JAMES FREEMAN AND JUDI FREEMAN,

  please come back immediately. Earth is being

  taken over by zombie bums from Uranus.

  Love, ZACK
FREEMAN (your son).

  P.S. The Great White Bum is dead! I harpooned

  it and Silas Sterne nominated me for the Bum

  Hunters’ Hall of Fame.

  P.P.S. Gran told me everything.

  The words hit Judi with as much force as if a tonne of toilet paper rolls had just been dropped on her head.

  Not only was the message completely confounding, it couldn’t possibly be true.

  Firstly, Zack was no bum-fighter. After all, he couldn’t even pass the Junior Bum-fighters’ entrance exam. He’d failed three times.

  And secondly the Great White Bum was definitely not dead.

  But then, it had definitely been wounded. And it definitely wouldn’t be the first time that the Great White Bum had managed to cheat death.

  Judi bit her lip as she read the message again.

  Maybe it was true.

  Maybe, when it came to bum-fighting, Zack was a late bloomer.

  Only one thing was certain.

  She couldn’t give up now.

  While she was powerless to stop the zombie bum invasion, she could at least attempt to finish what her son had started . . . she owed him that much.

  Judi patted her dazed husband gently on the shoulder. As she looked at him, she remembered the many dangerous—and wonderful—times they’d had together. She blinked back a tear, left the cockpit and armed herself with a 370TZ Constipator—the biggest and meanest bum-gun they carried. It was like arming yourself with a needle against a charging elephant—she knew that—but it was all she had and she was determined to make the most of it. She was a bum-fighter. And she had taken the sacred bum-fighter’s oath.

  With a steely look in her eye she climbed the ladder, released the hatch door and went outside.

  As Judi climbed onto the roof, she gasped with sheer terror at being so close to the Great White Bum. She remembered her mentor and teacher, Silas Sterne, once telling her that to control his fear he used to remember this simple fact: ‘The largest dinosaur that ever walked the Earth had a brain the size of a peanut—the largest bum has even less.’