The Girl Who Died: A Young Adult Novel

by Wendy Dranfield

  ‘Because I need you to do me a favour and I can only trust you if I keep your secret.’

  This is not how the father of a dead girl should be acting. He should be wanting to kill me for what he saw.

  ‘What favour?’ I hope he doesn’t mean what I think he does.

  ‘Now be honest with me. Did Katie ever confide in you about something awful recently?’

  Of course she did, she’s my best friend. I know what he means. I can’t believe he’s mentioning it. I can’t believe I’m stood here with him, on my own. ‘No.’

  He gets angry, ‘Stop being so immature! I know she’s been telling you lies about me and I want you to know that that’s all they were; lies. You couldn’t trust her, Hannah. She was a fantasist and she had it in for me. Every time I said she couldn’t stay out late she would give me an evil look and make up more lies. She hated not getting her own way.’

  I turn away from him, I don’t want to be hearing him slag off his own daughter. But part of me knows what he means. He walks around until he’s in front of me again.

  ‘Hannah, I have to get back to work. All I’m asking is that you dismiss what she told you and don’t tell anyone else. It would ruin the lives of our whole family if anyone believed her, especially Josh. You have to trust me. I’m trusting you. I promise I won’t tell anyone that you were here that day. I’ll save your family from pain if you save my family. We’ve all been through enough already.’

  This is tempting. It’s another way out. If I agree not to tell anyone, which I wasn’t planning on doing anyway, then my witness problem will go away and I can start rebuilding my life. I have no evidence of what Katie told me. What good would it do to tell anyone anyway? I’m trying to fool myself again. I know I will have to tell someone one day. But for today, to get away from him and this quarry, I agree.

  ‘I won’t tell anyone. Please don’t tell anyone about me. I’m so sorry, I-.’

  I can’t finish my sentence. He hugs me. I really wasn’t expecting that. He holds on a little too long which makes me feel uncomfortable. I pull away. He leaves me there. Alone.

  At just before seven, I hear the front door open. He’s here. I have to act natural. Jesus, this is like a living hell. My life is happening in chunks now. One minute I’m at home, the next I’m at the cinema. The film he wanted to see is crap, but it gives me almost two hours to sit in the darkness and think about nothing because it’s so loud that it drowns out all my thoughts. It’s great. I can tell that Josh is feeling awkward because his arm is tense on the seat next to me. He looks over at me a few times so I make an effort to smile at him. I don’t want him suspecting anything. Today feels like a dream. I don’t remember getting home from the quarry, or getting ready for tonight. It’s weird to think that I was back at the scene of the crime earlier, with her dad. And now I’m with her brother. Why am I being drawn to her family? I should probably cut all ties now. But when I look at Josh, I just want to feel normal.

  He gave me a present before we got to the cinema; a new mobile phone. It’s only a cheap one but it does everything I need. He said that only him and my parents will have the number, so I don’t need to ever worry about turning it on. It made me want to cry, but I managed to hide it and just say thank you. It wasn’t anywhere near what I wanted to say to him but, as usual, my emotions were threatening to get the better of me. He probably thought I was ungrateful. I look over at him now. I try to pretend we’re on a date and that he’s building up the nerve to hold my hand. He’s got an untouched box of popcorn on the floor next to him. What a waste of money. I wonder why he’s not eating it. Maybe he’s still depressed about Katie. Or maybe he doesn’t actually want to be here with me. That’s a horrible thought. I wonder if he’s only talking to me out of pity. Maybe his mum told him to look after me. Oh God, how awful. And how embarrassing. The film finally ends. He’ll probably want to take me home as soon as possible to get rid of me.

  ‘What did you think?’

  ‘It was a bit rubbish to be honest.’ If I annoy him it will relieve him of any pity.

  ‘Yeah, I agree. Let’s go for a walk.’

  He takes my hand and leads me out of the cinema. My heart starts pumping faster. I’m surprised I’ve not had a heart attack yet what with everything it’s had to do over the last two weeks. Josh’s hand is warm and a bit clammy. I try to act like holding his hand is perfectly normal, but I can’t think of anything to say as we walk in the direction of our school.

  He stops at the local offy and gets someone to buy us some lager and crisps. Then, without holding my hand this time, we walk to our school’s playing field. We sit under the teacher’s smoking hut and just drink, until he pulls out a joint. I’ve not had much experience of drugs but when he offers it to me I take it. I try not to give in to the feeling of wanting to cough. Sucking back the smoke makes everything seem okay. My head goes light and my thoughts are less intense. I feel the muscles in my neck relax. This is great; better than sleeping tablets any day. Josh doesn’t say much but he’s good company. I feel safe around him. Whenever we’ve been about to walk passed someone from school he walks faster. I don’t think anyone would dare say anything to me if I’m with him.

  ‘So, are you missing your partner in crime?’

  That takes me by surprise and ruins my high. ‘Of course.’ I wonder if he could tell how angry I was with her when I stormed out of her room. ‘Aren’t you?’

  He takes a deep drag, ‘Not as much as you’d think. You probably know we didn’t get on that well, even though mum tries to pretend we did. Katie was always lying about something and she always went running to dad who would stick up for her. She was spoilt if you ask me.’

  I don’t know what to say to that. Surely, we shouldn’t be speaking badly of the dead? I wonder if he’s testing my loyalty to her. I wonder if he knew about Katie’s secret. Then I remember that she said she hadn’t told anyone but me. But how could Josh live with her and not know what was going on? Maybe her dad was telling the truth and Katie was making the whole thing up. I wonder whether I should tell him, or their mum, what Katie told me. Her mum’s still going to want to talk to me at some point, I can only avoid her for so long. The trouble is, I’ve told so many lies now that I can’t even remember what the truth is. But if Katie was telling the truth about her dad, there will be someone else at risk. I push it out of my mind, I can’t deal with it right now.

  ‘That’s not very nice.’

  ‘No, but it’s true. People don’t like to hear the truth about dead people. I can’t help the way I feel. She must’ve annoyed you at times? Didn’t you have massive fallings out about ridiculous things?’

  ‘No, we had small fallings out over things that seemed important at the time.’ I don’t like the way this conversation is going, so I drink more lager.

  ‘I wonder what happened that day.’

  Oh shit. Is this what he brought me here for? Is this never going to be over? I freeze and try to keep my mouth shut.

  ‘I reckon she was probably up there with that kid she fancied, Justin.’

  ‘You mean Patrick.’

  ‘Whatever. I reckon they were up there fooling around and he was probably taking it too far and got annoyed with her. Then he either pushed her or she jumped, to get his attention. I go over it in my mind over and over again. The police have been useless. They don’t tell us anything. I reckon they know that she wouldn’t have been there alone, but they’re too lazy to do any real work and find out who she was there with.’

  Thank God for that. I need to change the subject but the joint has got him rambling now.

  ‘Have you ever been to that quarry with her?’

  Shit, what do I say? He’s actually asking me directly if I was there. If I lie now and then he finds out the truth one day, it will be so much worse. But I’ve already denied it before I know I’m going to. ‘No, never. I don’t know why she would want to go there.’

  ‘Well, the police took her laptop to see whether she made
any arrangements on-line to meet someone there.’

  Oh My God, he’s got to be kidding me? If they check her laptop they’ll see the websites she was looking at for advice for her plan. They’ll see her Facebook account with all the comments insinuating I killed her.

  ‘Maybe she was meeting someone she chatted to on-line. But once the coroner ruled it was an accidental death they changed the priority and have stopped contacting us. I reckon they’ve not even looked into it yet and they probably won’t now. Shit, isn’t it?’

  Not for me it isn’t. ‘Yeah.’

  ‘I find it weird that you don’t know why she was there.’

  I feel so uncomfortable. ‘I went home with a migraine. When I left her, she told me she was going home too. That’s all I know. Can we please stop talking about it?’ I’m shaking all over. He looks at me properly for the first time tonight.

  ‘Sorry. I keep forgetting you’re going through the same as us. Are you cold?’

  I nod and he hands me his jacket. His body heat is trapped inside. It feels amazing but it doesn’t stop me shaking. He moves closer to me and puts his arm around my shoulders. I’m so confused about how I’m currently feeling. How can I feel so many different emotions at once? How can my body cope with all this stress and guilt? I like having him so close. Even though I’m tormented, I still feel attracted to him. I’m such a bad person. That’s the last thing I should be thinking about. Especially because of what happened the last time I was drinking alcohol. He’s looking down at me and his face is so close to mine. I can’t let him kiss me, I just can’t. If he ever finds out what I did it will be so much worse if he’s kissed me.

  My childhood night terrors are actually coming true. I can’t let anyone get close to me ever again. No-one can ever know about Katie’s secret, because if I told anyone that, I’d have to tell them why she died. I pull away from Josh and stand up.

  ‘It’s getting late, will you walk me home?’

  He looks embarrassed. Great. That’s not my intention. I’m not rejecting him because I don’t like him. He gets up, puts our cans and empty crisp packets in the bin and then walks me home. Just before he leaves, he asks if I’ll visit Katie’s grave with him and the rest of her family tomorrow.

  ‘It’s just that mum said she hasn’t seen you there yet, so it would make her happy.’

  I have absolutely no choice. I agree to meet them at the church tomorrow morning. Then, without thinking about it, I lean over to kiss him on the cheek. He blushes and then leaves.

  The next morning, I’m trying to choose something appropriate to wear but I can’t make a decision. What do you wear to a graveyard? I’m not sure whether to dress all in black again. Mum walks in my bedroom.

  ‘I’m almost ready. How come you’re not even dressed yet?’

  That simple question makes me pathetically burst into tears, yet again. Mum thinks it’s because I’m thinking of Katie, but it’s not. Choosing something to wear is just overwhelming and I can’t make a final decision. It’s so stupid. Everything’s so overwhelming these days. One minute I feel like I’m fine and the next it all comes flooding back. I wipe my eyes and just grab some black jeans and a navy t-shirt. Mum tries to hug me but I push her away.

  ‘I’ll be down in a minute.’

  ‘Okay.’

  She looks disappointed that I’m not letting her in or turning to her for comfort. Once I’m dressed I look at myself in my full-length mirror. What I’m wearing seems wrong but I’m never going to leave the house at this rate so I grab my new mobile phone and run downstairs.

  ‘Let’s go.’

  We lock up and get into mum’s car. It’s raining today for the first time in ages. Although it’s nearly eleven o’clock, the morning is dark and horrible. I wish I’d not agreed to this. When we pull in at the church, I spot some kids from school hanging around. They must have just visited her grave. Or maybe they knew I was coming? Sicko’s. I’ve kept a low profile since the funeral, so they’re probably following me. Then I spot Katie’s parents, Josh and some other relatives in the car park. They’re all waiting for us. I wish they wouldn’t. I don’t want to get out of the car but Josh comes over and opens my door. He doesn’t say anything. Just seeing him is enough. Katie’s mum comes over and gives me a long hug while Katie’s dad awkwardly stands nearby, watching. When I first spot him, I gasp silently and then quickly look away. I’m sure he wouldn’t cause a scene here. Plus, I’ve kept my side of the bargain so far.

  ‘Thanks for coming, Hannah,’ says Katie’s mum. ‘It’s good to see you. And you, Jackie.’

  Mum hugs her and then holds onto my arm, steering me towards where the family are heading. She’s still in the same place. I don’t know why but I thought she might have been moved. Her grave has lots of flowers and teddies on it now. Her gravestone is devastating. I can feel the pressure of tears building behind my eyes and an overpowering feeling of guilt. I regret not visiting her before now. It must be awful being here overnight on her own. I didn’t even bring any flowers. Her mum kneels down and starts talking to her. Oh God, this is awful, I don’t want to see that.

  ‘Look who’s come to visit you today Katie.’

  Mum rubs my hand and Josh takes my other hand in his. I can’t cope with this. All of her family are looking at me. They don’t know it but I have the answers they need. I’m the reason they’re all here. I turn to Josh and let him hug me. When I open my eyes, I gasp again. The policewoman who visited me at home, Inspector Foster, appears out of nowhere. She stands back from us, waiting, under the big willow tree. This is it. Shit! I hug Josh as hard as I can as I probably won’t ever feel him again. I kiss his neck and pull away. I look at Inspector Foster. I don’t wait for her to walk to me, I go to her.

  ‘Hannah?’ My mum doesn’t understand what’s happening.

  Inspector Foster steps forward and leads me away from the crowd. ‘Hannah, I’d like to take you to the station for further questioning.’

  My mum reaches us, ‘What’s going on?’

  ‘Am I being arrested?’

  ‘No. I just have some more questions I’d like to ask you and if we do it at the station we won’t be disturbed.’

  My poor mum. Her face confirms her confusion. ‘What more can you ask her? She wasn’t there. We’ve told you already.’

  ‘Ms Walker, I really don’t want to do this here as people could misinterpret it. I’ll drive you both to the station and explain all once we get there.’

  My body is led to the policewoman’s car, a silver Ford. Mum gets into the back with me. As I’m driven away, I watch the faces of Katie’s relatives, especially Josh. Nobody understands. This is what I was afraid of.

  Chapter 6

  I’ve never been in a police station before, I’ve only seen them on TV and in films. Although we don’t go in the front entrance, because we’re driven into the staff car park, Inspector Foster takes us to the reception area a different way and asks us to wait there whilst she tries to find an available meeting room we can use. It’s so bare in here. There are eight blue plastic chairs which are screwed to the tiled floor and that’s about it. Well, apart from lots of posters advising people not to commit crime. Seems like a strange place to put them. After all, why would anyone be in here who hadn’t already committed a crime?

  The reception desk is empty, with a bell to press for assistance. We’re the only people in here. It’s cold. Mum hasn’t spoken since we got into the car. I have an overwhelming urge to re-open my Facebook account to see if mine or Katie’s page has any clue as to why I’m being questioned again. And at a police station this time. It won’t be because of Katie’s dad. He has as much to lose as me. Maybe people are still spreading rumours about me and the police are obliged to check it out.

  After over twenty minutes of just sitting here waiting, trying not to have a panic attack, I give in and use my new mobile phone to re-activate my Facebook account. They’ve kept my page as it was before. I scour the posts. I have been sent a link to
a new page called ‘Who Killed Katie Sewell’. I can’t believe someone’s set up a Facebook page for this. Against my better judgement I click on it. The latest posting is a video titled ‘Guilty?’. I can’t stop myself from clicking ‘play’. It shows me being led away from Katie’s grave with my mum and Inspector Foster. She’s not in police uniform but the person who uploaded it has helpfully added a comment explaining the scene. ‘Arrested on suspicion of murder by a plain-clothes murder detective at Katie’s graveside. Some friend.’

  I drop my phone and cry out, covering my face with my hands. Mum wakes from her trance and reaches out for me, ‘Hannah, what is it?’

  When I don’t answer she picks my phone up from the floor and looks at the Facebook page.

  ‘Oh my God. Who did this Hannah? I’ll go to the school and make the head teacher remove it.’

  ‘No, don’t do anything. You can’t control it. They can write what they like about anyone, that’s the whole point of social media! Oh God, this can’t be happening to me!’

  She hugs me but doesn’t say anything else. We sit in silence waiting for Inspector Foster to come back. She takes forever.

  ‘Sorry for the wait. There’s a room available now, do you want to come through?’

  She holds the secure door between reception and the rest of the station open for us. She’s being so casual that I don’t know what to expect. She even tells me to call her by her first name, Kath. She leads us down corridor after corridor, passing other police officers who look at us inquisitively, until we reach the right room. It’s small. It has two, orange two-seater sofas and a coffee table with fake flowers on it. There is a camera high up on the wall, in the corner of the room amongst some cobwebs. When I sit on one of the sofas she asks me to move to the other one. The one the camera is pointing at. Mum sits next to me, unbearably close. Kath sits opposite us and the door to this tiny room is closed. There are no windows. I feel suffocated.