‘If you wanna do this, put the rubber on,’ Jason told me.
He’d picked up his pillow from the bed and dropped it on the floor. I did as he asked, I knew how to do that at least. I’d been with girls before.
He must have guessed I wouldn’t know what I was doing. He instructed me through everything, told me to use the lubricant on myself after putting on the condom, then to smear it on my fingers. He leaned over on the edge of the bed, resting on his elbows as he waited for me. I didn't know how he was so relaxed, I was practically shaking.
I did everything he asked, I knelt down and pushed one finger inside him slowly, then another. Like being with a girl, I thought. Although I’d only played around with a girl once, the other times had been an inexperienced rush straight to the sex. It never occurred to me to do foreplay.
I was relieved Jason had his back to me, I was altogether too nervous to worry about catching his eye. I tried to concentrate on what he was telling me to do, staring at the pale skin of his back, his long hair trailing down behind. My other hand gripped at his thigh, holding on hard enough to pinch bruises; I was so excited I barely even noticed. I had two fingers inside him and could feel something a little way up, a little nub of flesh that whenever I brushed against he made a noise like he was trying not to cry out.
‘Now?’ I asked, pleaded. He didn’t reply but nodded his head. I pulled my hand away and gripped his hips, bringing him down to sit on me. When I pushed into his ass it was deliciously tight, and felt so hot it was searing. I gasped, surprised at how good it felt. It was amazing. I pushed harder, instinct taking over. Every time I moved he would moan, as if unable to stop it. I liked making him do that, and started thrusting hard, pinning him against the bed. My arms were wrapped around him, gripping the sheets. I loved it, I was instantly hooked.
When I was getting dressed later he said, ‘If you wanna do that again you gotta pay for it.’
I knew he was gonna say that, I thought.
We had a new routine now. Lots of foreplay, then sex. I couldn’t go back to just blow-jobs now. I bet he’d known that would happen. By this time I was giving him more money than I’d wanted to. I may have been pounding his ass into the bed each time but he was the one screwing me.
I didn’t care, I loved it. I thought I was getting better too. I judged myself by the noises he made. I knew sometimes he would lay it on for me, like when I kissed down his body I knew those soft moans were for show. But when I managed to get it right and he cried out almost in surprise, I knew that was real. I drew it out, making our play last longer. We were starting to use the full two hours without realizing.
Once we were still dressing when we heard the front door close. We looked at each other in panic.
‘Damn it,’ Jason whispered. ‘Hurry up.’
I threw on the rest of my clothes. ‘What do we do?’ I said quietly.
‘I’ll go down and signal you when it’s safe to leave.’
I wasn't used to sneaking around. I didn’t exactly have fairy foot-steps either. Jason slipped out of the door. I waited, holding it open a crack to watch him disappear downstairs.
‘Jason!’ I heard a woman’s voice from below. ‘Come clean up this mess!’
‘What mess?’ he replied.
‘That mess in there!’
Her accent sounded normal. I had kinda been expecting something different, but she just sounded normal American.
‘What mess?’ Jason said again. ‘That’s one goddamn plate!’
‘Don’t use that word, young man! Don't you have any respect?’
I could hear them talking, arguing I guess, in the kitchen. Jason was being reasonably calm which was a surprise, he wasn’t raising his voice that I could hear. After a few more minutes I heard them disappear out the back door, then Jason must have rushed back in.
‘Come on,’ he hissed.
I ran down the stairs as quietly as I could. ‘Where is she?’
‘Out back, I told her there was a dead cat there. She's obsessed with that stupid yard. Quick, go.’
‘See you later,’ I said, and hurried out the front door. I tried to walk casually down their path but ended up half jogging. That was a little too close.
‘We’re having a party!’ AJ declared one evening.
‘Where?’ I asked.
‘On the cliffs!’
‘Cliffs?’ I questioned, not liking the sound of that.
‘Out in the woods,’ Jason smiled. ‘You know, by the Ranger’s cabin?’
I smiled back at him, ignoring that last remark. ‘How are you gonna play music with no electricity?’
‘Boom box?’ Cat suggested.
‘No!’ AJ was practically jumping with excitement. ‘Cars! Mike, you gotta bring your car, it’s got the best stereo.’
‘Erm...’ I thought about protesting, but what good would it have done?
On Saturday night four car loads full of high school students drove up to the cliff, carrying bags of cheap alcohol and snacks. Being May it was warm and bright; the moon was full and shone down a silver glow as we parked and arranged the supplies. The girls had brought blankets to lay on the dusty gravel. We left the doors to my car open to hear the music. Someone put a tape on and turned the volume up, loud enough to make me wince in anticipation of someone hearing and coming up here to smash the offending stereo in.
‘We should turn it down, someone’s gonna call the cops,’ I said to the chattering, dancing, drink-swigging bodies. No-one listened to me. I sighed in defeat.
When nobody was looking I kept sneakily leaning into the car to turn the music down slightly. AJ caught me doing it one time.
‘Jason’s right, you really are an old lady sometimes!’ he laughed.
‘You won’t be laughing if the cops show up,’ I countered. ‘Or worse, Ranger Philips.’
They just laughed. ‘Come on, man, chill out. Let’s dance!’ AJ pushed me aside to change the tape, putting in a new one. As the vocals and electronic beat kicked in, faster than usual, the others cheered and got up to dance.
‘I don’t dance,’ I said, embarrassed, as AJ and Cat pulled me away from the car.
‘Then watch us!’ Cat laughed, enthusiastically grinding her body against me. I leaned back against the hood of my car holding my hands up.
‘Er, OK,’ I said, really not wanting to join in.
I watched them dancing without a care, spilling the drinks they were holding in great sloshes. I wished I could let go of my inhibitions like that but I felt too awkward, afraid of ridicule. I wasn’t as sure of myself as this crowd, everything for them was about sex and being desired. They were happy dancing and rubbing up against each other, but it just wasn’t me. I never felt that sure of myself. The only time I did feel something like that was when...
I looked for Jason. He was sat with Steven but he grinned at me. I went over to them. I didn't get a chance to talk to him as Cat and Bex bounded over and jumped on me, singing in my ears with their alcohol-sweet breath, ‘Let’s play!’
‘No, please,’ I protested, trying to keep my hands from accidentally groping their breasts that they pushed at me. Something about this music just made them go wild. I could hear Jason laugh. He loved to see me in these situations.
I was more than a little surprised that no-one had called the cops yet. We’d been up here for at least an hour, with music blaring out, echoing across the cliffs.
‘Relax, man,’ AJ told me. ‘Have a joint.’
‘I’m driving,’ I said, for the hundredth time.
Jessica and Allie had come to sit with us, Jessica was drunk but quieter than usual. She must have been annoying Jason as after a while he stood up and headed off. When AJ asked where he was going he said he was going to walk down the cliff.
I scrambled up to follow him. I worried about leaving my car with the keys in, but I was more worried about Jason slipping and falling off the edge.
‘Hey, wait up,’ AJ and Cat came with us. Cat leapt ahead and clung onto Jaso
n, as they neared the cliff edge and looked down.
‘Will you please be careful,’ I begged.
All of them had been drinking, all of them had been smoking pot.
‘Don’t worry,’ Jason rolled his eyes at me. ‘Let’s go that way,’ he said, pointing to a gap in the rocks. There was a steep dirt track down below; it was hardly meant for walking down. It was probably used by hikers who had the right equipment with them, like pick axes and rope. As I watched Jason and Cat step off the flat cliff edge onto the slippery, dark slope I could feel my chest tightening.
‘Come on,’ AJ nudged me. ‘It’s no big deal, I’ve walked down there before.’
He started to follow them, holding onto a large rock for balance.
‘Yeah, but you’re all drunk,’ I muttered. Not that anyone paid attention.
I followed them, taking careful steps, using the jutted out rocks or shrubbery to lean against as I made my way down. I heard a cry of surprise, and looked ahead to see Cat had slipped over on her butt, dragging Jason down with her. They were laughing at least.
!First to fall!! AJ went to point and jeer but his foot slipped as well. I was right behind him and grabbed his arm to stop his fall. He smiled at me. ‘Thanks, man.’
‘Be careful,’ I reminded him.
‘Yes, Mom, he mock-saluted me.
‘You realize there’s nothing down there anyway?’ I said, still reluctant.
‘We know,’ he laughed. ‘You’re supposed to enjoy the walk.’
‘I’m not.’
‘Talk then?’
‘Talk?’ I blinked at him.
‘Yeah, talk. I’m here, you’re here. Perfect time to talk.’
‘Oh,’ I said, chest tightening with nerves. This wasn’t what I had in mind.
I looked down to where Jason and Cat had pulled themselves up and carried on, holding hands.
‘Are they talking too?’
‘Probably,’ AJ shrugged.
‘Is Cat like, your girlfriend?’ I asked. No-one had ever really told me.
AJ grinned. ‘Yeah, kinda.’
‘You don’t mind her going off with Jason?’
AJ glanced at me. ‘No more than you mind Jason going off with her, I guess.’
My face flushed. ‘Oh,’ I said simply. I didn’t really like discussing what they all must know was going on between us.
AJ kept on at me as we walked. ‘You like him, don’t you?’
I could feel my flush get worse. Lucky for me it was dark. I didn’t want to answer that, so chose to try a question of my own. ‘You don’t?’
AJ turned to look at me briefly, then he smiled. ‘Nah, not like that. Not anymore.’
‘You did, then?’
‘Yeah, I did,’ he admitted, looking down as he walked. ‘We didn’t get on too good, though.’
‘Why?’ I asked, eager to know more. It was good to finally know.
AJ shrugged. ‘I think we’re too similar. Everything had to be like...a competition, you know?’ He stopped and looked at me. ‘You seem to get on OK.’
I looked away shyly. ‘Sometimes,’ I said, with a small laugh.
‘You put up with a hell of a lot more than I would,’ AJ said. ‘Like I told you, he can be a real jerk.’
‘Hmm,’ I half agreed. I couldn’t defend that but it didn’t stop me feeling the way I did.
AJ slipped suddenly and skidded down the gritty path on his back. My heart rose as I panicked and slipped as well, but managed to grab hold of a shrub to stop myself. AJ had slid a fair way; he’d used his arms to stop himself crashing into a rock. At his shout Jason and Cat looked up and laughed at him.
‘Who’s on their ass now?’ She mocked.
When we’d all carefully picked our way down to a flat ledge, we sat there and dangled our legs off the side. Well the others did, I sat behind them. The moon sure was beautiful though. We could hear the music from my car echoing through the night air.
At one point the music stopped and another song burst to life.
‘Must be Steven,’ AJ mumbled.
‘How can you tell?’ I asked.
‘Well, it sounds like The Cure, so that’s got to be Steven,’ he smiled.
‘Oh,’ I said. Again, more music I didn't know about.
We continued looking up at the stars. Even I was starting to feel relaxed. Just a little.
‘You talked to your parents about college?’ Cat asked AJ.
He shrugged. ‘No point. They can’t afford it. Guess I’ll get a job.’
‘Doing what?’ I asked him.
AJ grinned at me. ‘I’m sure I’ll get by. Haven’t decided yet.’
‘Couldn’t you get a scholarship?’ I suggested.
They all laughed. ‘Mike, you’re very sweet,’ Cat said. ‘I think we’ve all given up on that idea.’
‘I thought you were gonna go for it?’ AJ asked her.
‘No,’ she shook her head. ‘I didn’t make the cut. It’s damn Science and Math. I just don’t get it!’
‘That’s because it’s pointless,’ Jason said. ‘What they’re teaching is pure shit.’
‘You don’t even try!’ Cat laughed. ‘Your attendance is worse than Robin’s.’
Jason lifted one shoulder in a shrug. ‘What’s the point? Once I’m eighteen I’ll be kicked out anyway. Can’t afford college, even if I did want to go.’
‘When are you eighteen?’ I asked.
Jason didn’t look at me when he replied. ‘November.’
That was only six months away, I thought. ‘Would your aunt really kick you out?’
Jason flicked his cigarette off into the dark and leaned back on his hands. ‘Yep. Unless I start wearing collared shirts and go to church with her.’
They all laughed. I just thought it seemed real sad. I wished there was something I could do.
When they’d smoked two joints and run out of drink we started to head back up the cliff.
‘Hey!’ said Cat, suddenly having an idea. ‘We should all totally get an apartment together after graduation!’
AJ laughed. ‘Are you kidding? I’m not living with Jason!’
‘Why not?’ he asked, turning to frown at AJ.
‘Because I’d smother you in your sleep.’
‘Well, that’s the only way you’ll get your dick in my mouth,’ Jason sneered at him.
AJ leaned over to shove Jason. They both lost their balance and slipped over.
‘Just fuck off!’ AJ sounded pissed, shoving him away as they tried to get up.
‘What? It’s a fucking joke!’ Jason snapped at him.
‘It’s all a fucking joke to you,’ AJ argued back.
I stepped between them carefully. ‘Come on,’ I said, helping them both stand up by holding onto their arms. Cat leaned her hand down to help AJ up and he stomped off ahead.
Jason shook my hand off his arm. ‘I don’t need your help,’ he grumbled at me.
I didn’t rise to it. I simply shrugged and started to walk off.
‘Come on, then.’
I thought a lot about what AJ had said that night. I was surprised how open he’d been with me, but then he did seem to like me. I liked him too, just not like that. It was a shame really, he was so easy-going, and could be thoughtful.
One time he and Cat drove all the way over to pick me up in his Dad's car that he borrowed. When I asked why, they said they wanted to get me drunk for a change, so they’d pick me up and drive me home after. I knew it had been AJ’s idea. I liked him a lot, as a friend.
I did toy with the idea of more, when he got drunk and would flirt with me. I thought maybe I should see what it was like with someone else. But any thoughts like that would evaporate if I simply looked at Jason. I didn’t want anyone else. I wanted him, more and more each day it seemed.
Even though I saw him every Wednesday, it wasn’t enough. I saw him in class at school and with the others at the weekend, but we couldn’t be alone. His Aunt stayed home every other day except Sunday when she wou
ld go to church. Sunday was my ‘family day’ so I couldn’t escape then, my Dad would pitch a fit if I wasn't there.
When I thought about it, I knew my parents went out most Saturday nights, to charity events or Dad's work parties, that sort of thing. They usually came back in the early hours of the morning, if at all.
I asked Jason if he’d come over one Saturday night. Obviously it was more money for him so he agreed. I picked him up and drove him home with me, sneaking us in. My parents were out as were my sisters, staying over at friend’s houses. They usually did on Saturdays, as my parents knew I was prone to go out. Our cleaning lady Gabrielle might still be home though.
I ushered Jason in and closed the door quietly. I suppose I was used to living in such a big house so seeing Jason staring up at the high ceiling and the chandelier was a surprise.
‘Holy shit,’ he muttered.
‘Come on,’ I urged, pulling him up the staircase.
He was still looking around at the house and suddenly seemed unsure of himself. I took him into my room and shut the door. Jason had a nose around, gazing across at my en suite. He was frowning, much like the time when he had first properly looked at my car.
I was about to tell him...well I wasn’t sure, I wanted to try and explain that even though my parents were well off, didn’t mean I just got handed things on a platter. But before I said it, I realized that wasn’t true. Compared to someone like him who had nothing, I had everything. Or at least it seemed that way.
So I didn’t say anything. I pulled him to me and kissed him. Jason wasn’t in a kissing mood that night it seemed, and he turned his face away.
‘Aren’t you going to put some music on?’ he said quietly.
‘Er... I don’t really have any.’
‘Yeah I thought so,’ He handed me his jacket. ‘I brought some along. They're in the pocket.’
‘But...I don’t really play music, won’t someone think it’s unusual or something?’
Jason rolled his eyes. ‘It’ll be a whole lot less weird than hearing other things.’
Point taken. I obediently put on a tape.
Not that anyone was there that time, but just in case I began to play music in my room on other nights as well, when I was on my own. Jason left some of his tapes for me. My Mom later commented that I was listening to some strange stuff, but I simply explained ‘everyone else was’ and she left me alone. If Dad was ever around he would tell me to turn it straight off.
The Price of Falling Page 9