The Price of Falling

by Tushmore, Melanie

  Now I could enjoy having something resembling a normal home life too.

  Alicia still had plans for finding me a girlfriend though. She would point out girls to me as we walked along the streets, or in a shop.

  ‘That one's checking you out,’ she would whisper.

  ‘She's not my type,’ I would whisper back.

  ‘How about her?’ Alicia kept choosing smartly dressed women for me.

  ‘Er, I think she's a bit old.’

  ‘You're being too picky,’ she would grumble.

  ‘Yeah but...’

  I couldn't find the words to argue. If I didn't like the look of someone, I doubted that would change if I went on a date with them. I barely had time to meet anyone new anyway.

  I was at an awkward stage where I felt I wasn't old enough to date most of the women I met. I was still only twenty. In a couple of months I'd be twenty-one but I felt more at home with younger women, and definitely natural looking ones. Not the painted up corporate dolls I kept seeing. That look just didn't do it for me.

  Being typical Mike, I hadn't noticed that there was actually a girl about my age at the gym who tried talking to me a lot. She was a brunette, naturally pretty. Her name was Sylvia and she first talked to me by the lockers, saying she couldn't get hers open. Then after I'd helped her and we'd introduced ourselves, she would often come over to talk to me when I was on my own.

  When Aaron noticed this he elbowed me in the ribs as she walked away.

  ‘I think she likes you, man,’ he grinned.

  ‘Really?’ I frowned. ‘I thought she was just being friendly.’

  ‘Duh,’ Aaron laughed. ‘No wonder you can't get a date. Just go ask her out, would you, bro?’

  ‘Erm, OK. Maybe tomorrow.’

  Aaron shook his head.

  I waited until Sylvia came to talk to me again, and this time I made more of an effort to talk back. I'd never been a great talker but I was certainly better now I'd had practice addressing roomfuls of people at work.

  She seemed very nice and smiled a lot. I asked her if she wanted to go out sometime. She said yes.

  ‘I have a date,’ I told Alicia later.

  ‘At last!’ She clapped her hands before quizzing me in minute detail about Sylvia.

  When I went on my date Sylvia looked very pretty in a dark blue backless dress. We had a meal. I chose a meal because it meant I could hide behind a table.

  She was still very nice, and laughed at the appropriate times to make me appear more funny and witty than I was. I wondered if she was nervous too. She had deep brown eyes, and wore dark red lipstick. Not too much make-up though, which I preferred. I found her easy to talk to, which was a relief.

  Sylvia was three months older than me. She'd just turned twenty-one and was doing her first year of university studying Classical Literature. She also played the violin, she said.

  This was the first date I'd ever been on which actually went reasonably well.

  After the meal, desert and coffee I hailed a cab for her in the night time bustle of the city. When one pulled up I held the door for her as she smiled up at me.

  ‘Thanks for dinner,’ she said.

  ‘You're welcome.’

  I tried to smile back but I was pre-occupied worrying if she wanted me to kiss her. Before I could panic much more she leaned up and laid a light kiss on my cheek. I was relieved.

  When I got home Alicia wanted to know all about it. I told her it had gone well, and she literally jumped with excitement.

  Chapter 9

  To stop Alicia bugging me about it, I called Sylvia to ask her out again. I figured she must like me, as she agreed. We started going out regularly on Friday evenings for a meal or somewhere else if she insisted.

  After two more dates Sylvia held my hand. And on the date after that she tried to kiss me, which I was surprised about. She had to reach up on her tiptoes to touch her lips to mine. I didn't pull away for a second, to be polite, and when I did step back I told her I'd like to take things slowly.

  ‘Oh,’ she said, obviously surprised but still managing to smile. ‘Alright.’

  I would definitely need to psyche myself up for this.

  It was easy spending time with Sylvia. I had to admit it was quite fun getting dressed up and going to swanky places with a pretty girl on my arm. I saw a lot more of New York having to take her on dates all the time.

  As we left yet another restaurant and stood on the street outside she practically jumped up to my shoulders to give me a kiss. I figured I'd held out long enough, so I kissed her back. She was very soft. I hadn't kissed anyone since Jason. I closed my eyes when I thought of that.

  Sylvia liked to hold my hand a lot. I didn't mind. I did sometimes ponder that when I held her hand or was near her, it was more comforting than exciting. When we kissed on our dates it was pleasant enough, but it didn't make my heart thump with anticipation.

  I simply resigned myself to accept that this was normal. I wasn't sure if it was her or me. She certainly seemed to like me a whole lot, so it was probably me.

  For my birthday I took her and Alicia out to the poshest restaurant yet. We all dressed up real smart. Alicia and Sylvia got on well, and Alicia was happy I'd found a girlfriend at last. Seeing her so pleased made me relax.

  As we moved Alicia into her student dorm for college she was chatting excitedly about Christmas this year; said she would suggest to Mom and Dad they come up to New York for a visit.

  I felt ill at the thought.

  ‘Let's see how it goes,’ I told her.

  The thought of seeing my Dad, suddenly a reality instead of just hoping, made me a bundle of nerves.

  I was still with Sylvia when Christmas descended on New York again, with shiny fake snow in the shop windows and guys in padded Santa suits ringing bells on the streets.

  We were a proper couple now, I guess. We went out every weekend and I'd met her parents more than once. I'd kept putting her off but she started insisting we go back to my apartment for take outs and a video instead of restaurants. I felt a little pushed into it but I reasoned it was what normal couples did.

  I had to admit I wasn't in a rush to be on my own with Sylvia. Maybe you're just nervous, I told myself. I hadn't even been near anyone for two years now. I felt like I wasn't ready, but thinking of how happy Alicia had been that I had a girlfriend I figured I should at least give it a chance.

  Sylvia liked wine. I bought a couple of bottles and drank a large glass as quickly as I could. I still felt nervous.

  After the movie finished she pretty much jumped on me and stayed the night. It wasn't as bad as I'd been worrying about, and at least I remembered what it was like being with girls. But I guess I only really succeeded in reminding myself that I wasn't that interested.

  Sylvia wanted to stay over a lot now. I felt bad because I made excuses whenever I could without upsetting her...I had to work late, I had a deadline to meet, I had a works function.

  Well, having a drink with Aaron could be considered a works function, right?

  The worm of doubt in the back of my mind gnawed away. I wasn't normal. Dad was right.

  But I kept seeing her. Alicia reported back to Mom and Dad that I had a steady girlfriend. She arranged with them to come up and stay in New York for a few days over Christmas. It was highly unusual for my parents to not be in Ellwood, hosting the family Christmas meal. I knew they were making a big change for me.

  I called Blake and told him about their impending visit. He was thrilled. He had some good news of his own; his son Kelvin had come up for parole a little early, thanks to good behavior. If they were lucky he might get released for Christmas. I told him I was happy for him, although I felt strangely jealous of Kelvin. I hoped he appreciated his Dad's support.

  I missed Blake. He promised he and Melissa would take a trip out to see me sometime too.

  Alicia was settled in her college dorm uptown, and I only had one spare bedroom with a single bed. I offered Mom and Dad my la
rger bedroom with the double bed. Courtney could have the single, and I'd sleep on the couch.

  Dad declined, apparently.

  They booked to stay in a hotel. I felt a little rejected by this but I figured Dad was a very proud man. He probably didn't want to leech off his son, that was all. We also hadn't seen each other in just over two years so it was bound to be awkward.

  They arrived on Friday. I left the office a little early to go pick Sylvia up in the company car I had. I sometimes drove to work now but only if I left early enough to avoid the morning rush.

  Sylvia came running in dainty high heels out of her university campus to the car. She was wearing a simple black dress with a large white flower on the front. I had explained to her my Dad was very conservative, and this was our first meeting for a while.

  ‘You look great,’ I told her honestly. I was so pleased she had dressed carefully for my Dad.

  She smiled at me. ‘Are you nervous?’

  I nodded. ‘Oh yeah. And hey, don't be offended if he's a bit...er, blunt. He's always been quite crabby.’

  ‘Don't worry about me,’ she said, squeezing my hand. ‘I'm here for you. Just concentrate on you and him, I'll be fine.’

  I felt spoiled to have her. Sylvia was amazing support. I did care for her, I really did. I wished I loved her too.

  Alicia and I had scouted for the perfect restaurant to take Mom and Dad. We needed somewhere posh and quiet that also allowed kids. Courtney was growing up fast but she was still very young; while she was most likely able to behave during dinner you never knew with kids. They could have a tantrum when you least expected.

  Alicia had found a restaurant which seemed to meet all our requirements. The tables were all spaced quite far apart, which was good as Dad hated listening to people eat. Even though he was a pretty noisy eater himself.

  I was a bundle of nerves as we entered and I gripped Sylvia's hand tightly. We checked with the waiter where our table was and he swept us through the restaurant. My family were already sitting at the table. My heart was pounding in my temples as my Dad looked up and met my gaze. He stood up and we shook hands awkwardly. I introduced Sylvia, who was smiley and polite, her usual cheerful self. I was grateful for that.

  I hugged my Mom and Courtney, teasing her about how old she was now. She grinned happily, and I wondered if she remembered me much, if she missed me.

  Suddenly she blurted out, ‘When you coming back, Mike?’

  ‘Er...’ My eyes flicked up to my parents, looking wary. ‘I work here now, princess. I have lots of things to do...’

  ‘Yes, tell us about your job,’ Mom chimed in. ‘Sounds very exciting.’

  Well, it's not, I thought. But I spun her some good explanation that made it sound more fun than it was. Oh sure, I knew I could be a lot worse off, but it didn't stop me not caring about what we did, or stop me being fed up.

  The women definitely led the conversation at dinner. Alicia and Sylvia got on well anyway, and Mom was eager to hear all about Sylvia. I had only brought her along to show Dad really. I felt a bit resentful having to talk about her for most of the meal.

  I wanted to talk about home, about me coming home. I still wanted to go home, more than anything. Dad was pretty unresponsive. I studied his face while he was engrossed in his food. He looked tired, the dark shadows under his eyes looked even darker than I remembered.

  He seemed irritable as well. He was rude to our waitress, and in the middle of Sylvia telling a story he grumbled about how he didn't like his main course because they'd put the wrong dressing on it.

  ‘Dad,’ I said firmly. ‘Sylvia's talking.’

  He ignored me and grumbled a bit more. The tension around the table was thick. Luckily Mom, being a veteran at covering for Dad, started a new conversation up.

  I couldn't believe he'd been so rude. Was he doing it on purpose?

  Or were his lack of manners just more noticeable to me now because I hadn't seen him for so long?

  Dinner ended earlier than I'd thought. Dad announced he was tired and needed a lie down. Maybe he was jet lagged, I reasoned.

  On the drive home I said to Sylvia, ‘I'm so sorry about my Dad.’

  ‘Hey don't worry. He's probably just tired.’

  ‘Hm,’ I replied. I wasn't so sure.

  Over Saturday and Sunday we had planned to go out sight-seeing. Dad was OK but still a little irritable. I started to get the general feeling that he didn't want to be here. Alicia picked up on it too.

  On the Staten Island ferry en route to visit the Statue of Liberty, Alicia and I exchanged a look behind his back. She motioned with her eyes for me to go talk to him. I shrugged in exasperation and went to stand next to him as he leant over the rails of the boat.

  ‘Don't you like it here?’ I asked bluntly. I was too fed up to not be direct.

  ‘It's alright,’ Dad answered, equally blunt.

  ‘You never did like travelling much,’ I said.

  ‘No,’ he agreed.

  I tried to think what else to say. My Dad was less of a talker than I was, so I figured I would just go for broke.

  ‘Maybe next time I'll come visit you?’ I suggested.

  Dad breathed in. ‘Well you're pretty busy, I'm sure.’

  ‘I can always arrange time off,’ I said, hopeful.

  Dad didn't answer straight away. The cold wind from the river was whipping past our faces, bringing with it the faint aroma of garbage from one of the floating barges nearby.

  I felt like I waited an eternity for his answer.

  Then, still staring out across the water, he simply said, ‘No.’

  ‘Why?’ I asked quietly.

  Again, he didn't reply for at least ten heart beats, and my heart was racing.

  ‘I can't...’ he started, pressing his lips together in a thin line.

  ‘What?’ I said, louder. I could feel the tears start to prick my eyes.

  ‘I can't look at you and forget,’ he finally ground out. ‘So just...stay here.’

  I searched his face but he still stared out from the boat, ignoring me. I couldn't believe it.

  ‘Alright,’ I said, suddenly angrier than I'd ever felt. ‘Fine.’ I walked away, breathing deep to keep back the tears. I stormed down the deck across to the other side.

  Alicia saw me and tried to ask what was wrong.

  I held up my hand and said, ‘Not now,’ through gritted teeth.

  When the boat docked at Liberty Island I watched my Mom and Dad get off, holding Courtney's hands between them. Mom looked back at me once, probably aware something was up but she still stayed by Dad's side.

  She never once took my side, I thought. Not ever.

  Alicia ran along the deck towards me. ‘Come on,’ she said, obviously hoping whatever the disagreement was it could be easily fixed.

  I glanced at her briefly then turned around and walked to the other side of the boat.

  ‘Where are you going?’ she asked, trotting along beside me.

  ‘I'm done,’ I told her. ‘Dad's just made it very clear he doesn't want anything to do with me. So I'm going back now. I'm not going to pretend I'm OK with this anymore.’

  Alicia looked shocked. ‘But-but what...what did he say?’

  I shrugged. ‘He said he didn't want to look at me again. So I'll leave him to his sight-seeing in peace.’

  ‘Ugh,’ Alicia threw her hands up. ‘I cannot believe him. He's probably just grouchy, you know what he's like. Maybe tomorrow he'll calm down.’

  ‘No, Alicia, I've had enough,’ I told her. ‘If that's how he feels, at least I know now. Look hurry, they're going to send the boat back. Go join them and I'll see you later.’

  Alicia looked up at me. ‘No, I'm coming back with you. I'll see them tomorrow before they go.’ She looped her arm through mine and we stood on the deck together. I smiled down at her, pleased for the company. At least she supported me.

  I didn't see Mom and Dad again the next day. I couldn't bear to. It meant I missed saying go
odbye to Courtney. I guessed I would just have to send her an extra big Christmas gift.

  I wouldn't bother sending anything to my parents this year. I was sick of it. I'd done everything Dad had wanted, and yet he still couldn't forgive me. Mom had never even tried to intervene.

  I wanted to call Blake, he was more of a father to me anyway. But I didn't want to disturb him, in case he was busy sorting out Kelvin's parole. I envied Kelvin for having such a supportive family.

  I had another Christmas on my own.

  Not that I wanted to see anyone anyway. Alicia went back home for a few days. I knew she was going mainly to try to convince Dad to talk to me. I appreciated her efforts but I knew he would never change his mind. I was shocked that he would rather never see me again than forgive me.

  At least there was always work to do.

  Working over Christmas certainly impressed my boss. On Christmas day I went for a long walk down by the river side and through the parks. Whenever I saw a family or couples walking together I felt weird.

  Not quite angry, I guess, more sad.

  I bought myself a whole load of beer and sat at home watching late night TV again.

  January 1991 was the most depressed I ever felt. I wasn't technically alone as Sylvia was always trying to see me, and Alicia was around. But I felt like I was going through the motions. Kinda like when I'd first been sent away from home.

  Seeing my parents again hadn't helped. Not one little bit.

  One night we'd been watching a movie in my apartment, the girls had made popcorn and Alicia was telling us about this guy she'd met at college she liked.

  ‘I hope it goes well,’ I told her, pleased she seemed happy.

  Later when Sylvia had kissed me goodnight and gone downstairs to catch her cab, Alicia looked at me funny. I sat back on the couch returned her look.

  ‘What?’

  She frowned slightly. ‘Can I ask you something?’

  I shrugged, picking up the remote control. ‘Sure.’