The Price of Falling

by Tushmore, Melanie

  It felt strange, not real.

  ‘Do you want a drink?’ I offered.

  Mom nodded.

  ‘I'll go get some drinks,’ I said, wandering out of the ward.

  The hospital echoed with beeps of machines and the hushed talking of the nurses. There were some empty beds, and some more frail looking patients sleeping in others. I tried not to breathe too deeply as the stale air mixed with disinfectant was making me feel sick.

  At the ward's front desk I found a nurse and asked her about my Dad. I got a bit more information than Mom had been able to give. As far as they knew Dad had suffered from what they believed to be a stroke some time this morning, which probably would have been a surprise to him. They'd run a few tests but wouldn't get any results back yet, and the next twenty-four hours would be the most crucial to determine how much control he would get back.

  I was still in shock as I went to find a drinks machine. I was in no rush to get back to the ward and see Dad like that. I found myself wandering around hallways not sure what to do.

  They had to keep Dad overnight. There was one guest cot on offer, which we agreed Mom should take. She didn't want to be away from him, and we wanted her to rest. She gave Alicia her keys to the house so we could go home.

  I couldn't help but notice she gave the keys to Alicia, not me. Even though I was the older one with the money and the driving license. My keys to their home had been confiscated when Dad packed me off to live with Blake. Alicia still had a set of keys but she'd left them in her room back in New York. I didn't have a set of keys to my family home, so Mom giving those keys to Alicia did sting me a bit.

  We had to get a cab, as Mom hadn't driven for years. Dad's car was still at his office apparently. I guess I'd have to go pick it up at some point. Alicia still hadn't passed her driving test.

  Mom said she'd arranged for Courtney to stay at a friend's house. She wanted to know what was happening with Dad before she told her anything. I wasn't sure I agreed with that decision but felt like I didn't have a place to put my opinion forward in this family any more.

  So it was just me and Alicia alone tonight.

  When the cab dropped us off and we got up to the porch I felt a mix of emotions coming home. Dad didn't know I was here, he hadn't invited me back. Would he be mad if he knew? I thought about it; the realization that he might not be aware of much ever again made me feel numb.

  I had to fix dinner. Alicia was too upset, she had a cry to herself sitting on the couch. I made us something to eat and found a show TV for her to watch. I tried to comfort her. Hopefully I wasn't terrible at it. I told her I was sure everything would be alright and we had to be patient. Alicia snuggled into my arm and we stared at the TV for a while.

  After a couple of hours we were both pretty exhausted. I took her upstairs and got the lights on, trying to make it look homely again. I wondered who they had as a cleaner now, and where she was.

  Once I'd got Alicia settled I walked down the hallway to what had been my room. When I opened the familiar door I was quite shocked to see the room was stripped of everything that had been mine inside and re-decorated in a different color.

  Like I was never even there.

  I wondered where the hell all my stuff was. Had Dad insisted on the change? It was still the same furniture though, I noticed. My eyes fell on what had been my bed. The room may have looked different but if I thought about it hard enough I could just picture Jason standing where my tape player had been, or sitting on the bed. I didn't want to think about us both on the bed but memory spilled over into my thoughts anyway.

  I turned off the light and shut the door. I couldn't sleep in there. I wandered downstairs again, suddenly restless, and opened the door to Dad's study. He had loved his study. There were books and ornaments in there, past awards for his business and from when he went to college and university. There were photo frames of the family as well. I remembered there had been a big one of the five of us, taken while Courtney was still a toddler on Mom's lap. Dad had obviously liked that one, and had a framed copy of it on one of the big wooden shelves.

  It wasn't there now.

  I also noticed the picture he'd had of me in my football gear from High School had gone. Had he kept them or thrown them out?

  After searching around and even knocking books over in my haste, I went through his drawers. There was a large, dark wood dresser in the corner where I knew he kept his personal papers, and tucked away right in the bottom drawer I found the family portrait and the picture of me.

  I felt numb all over again. No-one else came in this study except him, and he couldn't even bear to look at a photo of me on his own. I felt very let down. All I could think of was Blake's house, and all the family photos he had up there. He had photos of his son Kelvin, and he kept those up. Yet my Dad couldn't do the same for me.

  I wasn't much of a drinker but I felt like I needed a drink. At least to help me sleep. I opened Dad's liquor cabinet and took a bottle of whiskey out. I wasn't so keen on whiskey but I thought if he could drink it neat all the time then so could I.

  Even if it tasted harsh at first. After the fourth shot, it tasted a lot smoother. I gazed at the photo of me in the Cougars football gear. I was holding the helmet under my arm and smiling at the camera. I studied myself in that photo, thinking I looked...not young particularly, but more naïve. If only I'd known what was coming, I thought, I probably wouldn't be smiling as much. I knew when this picture was taken, I remembered it was before the game where we'd won against the Trojans from Belleville. That was way before I'd met Jason. Before things got complicated.

  And yet, I didn't resent Jason for anything. I missed him, obviously more than I wanted to admit to myself. It was Dad I resented. I hadn't realized how much until I'd been back home, now I could feel a nasty bile rising up in the pit of my stomach. I resented him. I resented his decisions, and how he point blank refused to forgive me.

  I fell asleep on the sofa with the TV on. I was still dressed in my suit from work, and when Alicia woke me about eight AM I felt very groggy from the whiskey.

  ‘What are you doing?’ she frowned slightly when she noticed the photo next to me.

  ‘Nothing,’ I said, turning the frame over.

  ‘You look like you could use some coffee,’ she offered.

  I nodded my head. ‘Good idea.’

  I realized I didn't have any other clothes. I'd have to wear this creased suit back to the hospital.

  ‘Do you know what they did with my stuff?’ I asked Alicia, following her into the kitchen.

  She paused as she got out the coffee bag. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Well, my room's bare. I have no other clothes here. I wondered if they...I dunno, put it in the garage or something?’

  Alicia seemed surprised. ‘Your stuff's gone?’

  I nodded. ‘Yeah, room's stripped. Different color too.’

  Alicia sighed and shook her head slightly, like she knew something. However right then, I couldn't have cared less. All I wanted was clean clothes.

  While the coffee brewed we went out to the garage to have a look around. It was empty of cars, as Dad's wasn't here and mine was obviously long gone. I absently wondered what had happened to my car, who Dad would've sold it to.

  At least the garage was reasonably tidy, so looking for newly placed boxes wouldn't take long. We found two, unmarked. When we opened them and looked through the stuff there I could feel that numbness in my stomach start to ebb away. It was replaced by more resentment.

  In the boxes were my old school books, reports, and the other things of vague academic importance that had obviously been in my bedroom drawers. I'd left pretty much everything from my childhood when I was sent away, and I'd assumed it would still be there for me when I returned.

  Not boxed up and stored away.

  And this wasn't even everything. All my clothes had gone, along with most of my possessions. Thing I would've liked to keep, like the toy Cougar, the winning football fro
m one of our games, my favorite books. Items that had obviously been thrown away. The only things kept in these two boxes were to do with school work, and why the hell would anyone want to keep those?

  I leafed through a few more things then shook my head. I didn't need to be reminded how little I mattered. I got up and walked back through to the kitchen.

  Alicia came after me. ‘The other stuff must be around-’

  ‘Don't worry about it,’ I interrupted. ‘I'll buy new clothes later.’

  Neither of us felt like breakfast, so I called a cab to the hospital.

  When we got there and saw Mom we found out things were pretty much the same as they'd been last night. They'd taken Dad away for more tests, we wouldn't be able to see him for a couple of hours at least. My stomach had started rumbling by then so I suggested we go eat something.

  There was a café down the other end of the hospital and we walked there quietly.

  We also ate quietly. Mom said she liked my hair. I nodded and smiled without looking at her. I wanted to point out that she'd said the same thing yesterday but I didn't want to be hard on her when she was worrying about Dad.

  When we returned to the ward to see him we were told they'd decided to do one more test so it would still be a little while longer.

  ‘If you're alright here,’ I said, ‘I'm gonna go get some clothes. Might as well pick up the car too.’

  ‘Clothes?’ Mom looked confused.

  ‘All Mike's clothes are gone, Mom,’ Alicia said pointedly. ‘You could have left him something to wear.’

  Mom's eyes flicked between us. ‘Well, I-’

  ‘Alicia, it's no big deal,’ I sighed. ‘I'll see you later.’

  I could hear them talking quietly as I walked away. I didn't care anymore. I knew what had happened, Dad had done it. Or more likely, told the cleaning lady to clean my room out. Mom would have pretended it wasn't happening and they never would have mentioned it again. They must have done it after Alicia moved to New York. Maybe Dad wasn't happy she had moved to be near me.

  Either way, it was done now.

  I took a cab out to the nearest stores to get some casual clothes. I wanted a t-shirt, some comfy pants and sneakers. Who knew how long I'd have to be there? I couldn't stay too long, I felt tense being away from work as it was. I hadn't realized how attached to it I'd become.

  I bought a few pairs of everything, just to be safe. And I had to buy a hold-all to put it in. It felt much better being in clean clothes. Luckily Alicia still had a lot of her stuff in her room at home. I noticed they'd kept everything the same for her.

  I got a cab out to Dad's offices on the other side of town. I had taken the keys from Alicia earlier, seeing as I was the only one who could drive. When I got to the offices I thought I'd better go in and let them know I was taking Dad's car. I saw the receptionist, Glenda. I remembered her and we had a little chat.

  A guy in a suit came down and asked how Dad was doing. I shrugged and explained we were still waiting to hear. He expressed his condolences which I accepted distantly, then he advised that Blake Lewis had called. I asked if I could use the phone, and Glenda patched me through.

  Blake at least seemed genuine with his well-wishing. He asked what was happening, and again I explained about the tests.

  ‘Real bad luck,’ he said, more than once.

  He also said he had to make me aware that if Dad didn't look like he was getting 'back on top' he would have to temporarily take over Dad's side of the business. He said he hoped my family wouldn't take offence to it.

  ‘I think that's the best thing that could happen,’ I told Blake honestly. ‘I trust you'll do the right thing.’

  ‘God bless you, son, they're lucky to have you,’ he said. ‘Go on back and call me later, OK?’

  ‘Sure, thanks Blake.’

  It had been good to speak to him. I'd talk to him properly later. I wanted to know how Kelvin was getting on too.

  Out in the company lot, I picked up Dad's car. It sure felt strange driving it. He'd always loved cars. He always chose the best and latest models. He liked big, strong cars. They had to be big as we needed room in the back for all of us. I chucked my bags of new clothes and my rumpled suit on the back seat, thinking Dad wouldn't be able to snap at me about making a mess.

  I drove back to Ellwood Trinity Hospital and went to find Mom and Alicia. They were having a consultation with the doctor by the time I got there.

  The results weren't great. He'd had a severe stroke. The swelling of the brain had only just stopped, which was good but not enough for a full recovery. There was a small chance he would regain speech and awareness as the swelling slowly went down. At the moment, he was barely conscious.

  Mom cried a lot. A few hours later, Dad was a little more awake but the whole left side of his face was droopy, he drooled out of his mouth which needed constant wiping.

  Mom used her own handkerchief for that. Dad's eyes rolled around when they were open, and he didn't appear to recognize us. Alicia tried speaking to him but cried when he appeared to stare through her. She didn't seem to understand his mind wasn't there, wasn't ready yet.

  The realization that it might never come back was something we all had to face.

  The next couple of days were difficult. Courtney came to the hospital to see Dad when he was asleep but Mom didn't want her to be upset for too long, so she took her home. Alicia remained at the hospital and I stayed with her.

  I used the pay phone to call Aaron at work and keep tabs on things. I'd officially left him in charge if anything went wrong but I worried about not being there. Then I called Alicia's college and updated them. I also called Maria, who had started cleaning my apartment. Since Alicia had moved in to live I'd been surprised by the mess in the restroom and the kitchen, so when I'd been grocery shopping and Maria mentioned she cleaned apartments for people during the day I jumped at the chance of hiring her. She knew me and Alicia anyway, and it was nice to have a maternal figure around. I paid her more than she asked for, and often she would bring over home cooked dinners for us to eat.

  We'd left New York in such a hurry Maria must have wondered where we'd gone. She had a key for the apartment and said she would clean out the refrigerator for me and wished my family well. I thanked her but I really had no idea how our family was going to deal with this. I'd been excluded from them for so long. My family now was Alicia.

  Whatever Mom decided to do was up to her.

  That evening I drove Alicia home and picked up Mom, dropping her back at the hospital so she could sleep there with Dad. She didn't say much on the drive. Neither did I.

  When I got back to the house I poured a large glass of expensive whiskey from Dad's liquor cabinet. He'd sure be angry if he knew, I thought. Maybe that's why I felt like doing it.

  That, or wanting to quell the bad mood lingering inside me. I sat on the sofa with Alicia as she watched a film. The phone rang halfway through and she answered it. Judging by the tone of her voice from down the hall I figured it was Will who'd called her. He was obviously concerned, which was good of him. After ten minutes she came to sit back down.

  ‘He must care about you a lot,’ I mentioned.

  Alicia smiled at me, like she always did when talking about Will. ‘Yeah, he's great. He told me he loved me already.’

  ‘Really?’ I was surprised. ‘Do you feel the same?’

  She smiled as she nodded slowly. ‘I always thought I was different,’ she explained. ‘I'd never really liked anyone before, unlike all my friends. Then when I met him... I just knew.’

  I smiled absently to agree with her but the smile never reached my eyes.

  ‘That's something special right there,’ I said, focusing back on my glass, only half full of whiskey. Maybe it was the alcohol talking but I suddenly felt a need to share my wisdom with her.

  ‘You hang onto him, Alicia,’ I told her. ‘What you got is special. You should make the most of it while you can.’

  ‘We do,’ she said
quietly. I could feel her looking at me.

  ‘That's my girl. Here's to you and Will.’ I raised my glass and drained the contents.

  ‘You shouldn't drink so much.’

  I shrugged. ‘I can't sleep here. This helps me sleep.’

  ‘Why?’ she asked.

  ‘Because it knocks me out.’

  ‘No, I mean...’ Alicia paused to find her words. ‘Why can't you sleep?’

  I shrugged again, suddenly not wanting to discuss it any further.

  ‘Who knows?’ I sighed, getting up for a re-fill. I took it up to the spare bedroom I'd been sleeping in. I didn't want to talk or think about anything anymore. It was giving me a headache.

  ‘Are you alright?’ Alicia asked me the next morning.

  We'd quickly settled into a routine of her making the coffee while I made breakfast.

  ‘Yeah, sure,’ I told her. ‘You hungry? I'll fix some toast.’

  She ignored my question as she brewed the coffee. ‘You've been really quiet.’

  I glanced at her then looked away. ‘You say I'm always quiet. So what?’

  ‘Yeah but...you've been better lately. I mean, in New York you've been better. Now you're quiet again.’

  I shrugged but didn't answer. I didn't particularly want to get into this right now. I placed bread in the toaster and pretended to be busy.

  ‘Are you upset about Dad?’ Alicia pressed.

  ‘Yes, of course,’ I answered, still not looking at her.

  ‘But?’

  ‘But, what?’

  ‘What's wrong?’

  ‘Nothing!’ I said, looking up at her as I opened the packet of butter. ‘I'm fine.’

  Suddenly Alicia bent her head down, her shoulders shook. When I realized she was crying I dropped the butter back on the counter and went over to her.

  ‘Hey,’ I said softly. ‘It'll be OK, don't worry.’

  ‘I don't want you to hate me,’ she sobbed into my chest.

  ‘What? I'd never, why would you think that?’ I almost laughed. ‘What's wrong? Tell me.’

  I reached over and picked up a clean wash cloth from the counter and touched it to her face.