The Price of Falling

by Tushmore, Melanie

  A couple of them just quietly watched me as I walked past. Most ran off, maybe they thought I was looking for them. I wondered if any of them knew Jason. I was afraid to ask, for many reasons. What if he had died too? What if I couldn't find him?

  The smell in here was foul, stale. I saw vomit patches all over the ground and strange stains everywhere. If I looked at them too much I could feel my stomach start to turn.

  On the second floor there weren't any older people, just younger ones. There was a couple of them lying on an old, dirty mattress in the corner. More kids who shouldn't be here, simply lying on the floor, seemingly asleep but as AJ said more likely on drugs.

  I noticed a corner of the room seemed to have been designated purely for vomiting. It was caked all up the wall and spread over the floor with a worrying, disgusting red tinge to it. The smell was getting worse. I started to feel queasy.

  As I walked into the next room, much the same as the others, I saw one lanky boy propped up against the wall, head nodding forwards. Not too far away from him was another lying on what was left of the carpet. As I got nearer, ready to walk past, I looked down. In the gloom I could see the one lying on the floor had reddish looking hair but it was longer than what I was looking for.

  Heart hammering fast, I stepped closer.

  It could be him, I thought, he was about the right size. He was slightly turned away from me, and my heart sank as I saw the dark green blur of a tattoo on his left upper arm.

  Jason didn't have any tattoos, I thought.

  But as soon as I stood over him and saw the profile of his face, I knew it was him. My heart felt like it missed a beat as I dropped down to my knees and bent over him, the tennis racket forgotten as it dropped out of my hand.

  ‘Jason?’ I whispered, touching his shoulder.

  He didn't respond. I gently eased him round onto his back, the relief of confirming it was definitely him sharply interrupted by seeing the leather belt strapped round his right arm, skin covered in lurid marks. I also noticed the syringes and squares of tin foil on the floor right next to him.

  Panicking, I quickly checked where I was kneeling, hoping I hadn't been stupid enough to sit on a needle. I couldn't see anything near me luckily. With shaking fingers I unbuckled the belt on his arm. I looped it over and used the stiff leather to push the needles away from him without having to touch them, then threw the belt away too.

  ‘Jason?’ I said again. I could hear the panic in my voice.

  AJ had been right when he said Jason looked a state, I couldn't believe it. Even in this gloom I could see his skin was awful, haggard and spotty. He looked worryingly thin, with dry, blistered lips. I didn't even want to look at the red lines and welts on his arms. His hair was longer than before but flat and greasy. I was beyond shocked, and worried he wasn't awake.

  His eyes fluttered. I gently turned his face up with my hands, trying to keep myself together. ‘Jason?’ I said louder. ‘Can you hear me?’

  His eyelids blinked half open. When they started to close again I shook him slightly, repeating his name. His eyes opened at me, not all the way but enough to see. Except as he stared without reacting I was sure he wasn't even seeing me. I didn't really understand heroin but I imagined it would zone you out.

  How was I going to talk to him when he was like this?

  As I was bent over Jason about to have a full on panic, I heard movement behind me. I turned to see another skinny guy approaching. When I saw he had a knife, I knew I had to focus.

  He was obviously another heroin user, he looked like a walking twig. I could see him shaking quite badly, and being caught sneaking up on me had taken away his advantage.

  ‘H-hey,’ he stammered. ‘Gimme your wallet.’

  ‘I don't have a wallet, kid,’ I told him firmly. ‘So back off.’

  He seemed taken aback but decided to press on anyway. ‘You're s-sure to have some cash on you, so fucking h-hand it over.’

  With my eyes fixed on him, my hand reached behind me and felt for the tennis racket. Once I had it gripped firmly, I slowly stood up to my full height, which was considerably more than this kid. I unzipped the cover from the racket and let it drop to the floor, holding the racket like a baseball bat. ‘Get out of here,’ I told him.

  He nervously looked at the large racket in my hands, aimed squarely for him. I noticed he had a twitch in his right eye. He deliberated for only a moment before taking off at a run.

  I sighed with relief. I hadn't been in a fight for years, and I was glad about that. I was used to breaking up the fights that Allen and Johnny would often inadvertently start, so I wasn't shy about jumping in feet first.

  In this place however, I had no idea what was on the floor if I started rolling around on it.

  I listened to the quiet for a moment. That kid may come back, possibly with others. I looked down at Jason. I had no idea what to do; how would I look after a heroin addict?

  But now I'd found him I wasn't about to walk out of here on my own.

  I carried Jason out and down the stairs. He wasn't that heavy but it wasn't easy carrying another person for a long period. I had the racket back in its carrier slung behind my back, just in case. My heart hammered as I walked briskly down the stairs, Jason limp and out of it against my shoulder. I was worried in case anyone jumped us on the way down but we made it out of the building without seeing that kid again.

  In the daylight as I crossed the street I was more shocked when I caught sight of the marks on his arms in their full glory. ‘Shit, Jason,’ I muttered under my breath. I quickened my pace to get back to the car.

  As I entered the street where I'd parked I stiffened, noticing two boys trying to break into the driver's door.

  ‘Get the fuck off my car!’ I bellowed at them, hopefully sounding threatening enough.

  They were only young, and ran off at the sight of me. Being big certainly had its advantages. I wasn't going to hang around though. I bent down awkwardly to unlock the back door. Jason was still unresponsive so I laid him on the back seat, trying to get him in through the stupid small doors of Dad's stupid low car. I had to run round the other side and lean in to pull his limp body across the seat. Then I shut both back doors and leapt into the driver's side. I couldn't wait to get out of there and have a shower.

  Burn my clothes too, perhaps.

  I drove out of the industrial estate, looking back in the mirror every so often at Jason lying on the back seat. Every time I felt like I wanted to smile because I'd found him, the realization sunk in that I had no idea how he'd react to this.

  What was he like now?

  Would he want to keep taking drugs or would he stop simply because I asked him to? I had my doubts. But I had to at least talk to him. I'd never known anyone who took heroin, I had no idea how it all worked.

  I drove straight to the hospital, hoping that I wouldn't be so unlucky as to bump into my family there. I guided the car round to the front of the emergency section and stopped. When I got out I saw two nurses sitting on a bench, smoking cigarettes.

  ‘Um, excuse me?’ I waved to get their attention.

  One of them called, ‘Hey, you alright?’

  ‘Yes, but my friend needs help.’

  They stubbed their cigarettes out and hurried over.

  ‘I need to admit my friend for recovery, or something,’ I explained. I opened the back door so one of the nurses could lean in and check on Jason.

  ‘Do you know what's wrong?’ she asked, immediately checking the pulse at his wrist.

  ‘Well, he's taken heroin.’

  The nurse inside the car glanced over her shoulder and frowned slightly. She turned back to Jason and through the window I could see her open his eyes and analyze his pupils. Then she checked his pulse again for longer, before climbing back out of the car.

  ‘There's nothing we can do,’ she said flatly.

  ‘What do you mean?’ I asked, taken aback. ‘He needs help.’

  She smiled sympathetically at m
e. ‘I'm afraid he's not a first time user, and he hasn't over-dosed. They won't admit him here because there's nothing medically wrong with him. What he needs is a rehab.’

  ‘Rehab?’ I repeated. ‘Well...is there one here?’

  She shook her head. ‘Nearest one is Lansdale. Sorry.’

  Lansdale, I thought. That was at least forty miles away.

  After driving pretty much all day, I drove back to Fairview and parked the car. I felt like I needed a long hot bath followed by a long cold drink. It was still only mid afternoon, AJ wouldn't have finished work yet. But I had to talk to him. I needed a friend. When I asked for him another mechanic pointed me inside. I found him working under the bonnet of a car.

  ‘Hey, you're early,’ he smiled, then took in my tiredness, my heavy shoulders. ‘Man, you look like you need a coffee.’

  ‘Yeah, please,’ I said.

  AJ poured out some coffee for us and handed me a filthy looking mug. I didn't care about the dirt and drank it down gratefully. We sat on a small bench near his work station, surrounded by bits of engine and pots of oil.

  ‘So you made it out alive?’ AJ tried to joke. ‘I'm guessing you found him then?’

  I nodded. ‘He's not...’ I struggled to find the words, wanting to say so much, ask so many questions but the one person who could answer them wasn't on this planet right now.

  I sighed. ‘He's not quite with it.’

  ‘Yeah,’ AJ agreed. ‘Well, they're like that. Him and Robin would get totally blasted. You could shout in their ears and they wouldn't even know.’

  ‘I took him to the hospital,’ I explained. ‘But they wouldn't let him in. They suggested the rehab centre over in Lansdale, so I took him there.’

  ‘Ouch,’ AJ made a face. ‘That place is nasty. We tried to put Robin in there. I drove him over myself. He wouldn't stay. Don't blame him really.’

  I nodded slowly. ‘It was horrible. And so expensive. I wouldn't mind but it looked so...’

  ‘Depressing? Dirty?’ AJ offered.

  ‘Yeah,’ I agreed, rubbing my hand up my forehead and brushing my hair back. I knew I must've looked a mess, but I didn't care. ‘I didn't know what to do. I couldn't leave him there.’

  ‘Er, so where is he?’

  ‘In the car,’ I said quietly.

  ‘You've locked him in your car?’ AJ looked concerned. ‘You know he'll probably flip when he tunes back into reality. He was always hella cranky on a come down.’

  ‘But I don't know what to do,’ I said, completely at a loss. ‘I don't know how to help him, and even if I did he'd probably just ignore it anyway.’

  AJ shrugged. ‘Yeah, they're all stubborn. You can't tell 'em. We felt sorry for Robin, that's why we tried to put him in rehab. His family were willing to pay but he wouldn't stay there. I wouldn't have even attempted to put Jason in rehab though, whenever we tried to say anything he got real mad. Shame we can't declare him insane and lock him up at Fulbourne.’

  AJ smiled at his own joke as I looked up slowly. It was like I saw a door opening for me at last.

  ‘AJ, you're a genius,’ I said, rising to my feet.

  ‘If you say so,’ AJ looked confused. ‘Where you going now?’

  ‘I'll be back at five!’ I called over my shoulder as I ran out of the garage.

  Fulbourne, the old mental institution on the edge of the woods, had it's own grounds that stretched out over lawns and well tended flowerbeds. I had been there once, as a very old friend of Dad's had stayed here until his death a few years back. I remembered the big metal gates with the buzzer to let you in, the long winding drive through the green lawn and leafy trees. The building itself was grand and imposing as it loomed over you but it had a grim dignity about it.

  Even with a few random patients in their bathrobes shambling around outside.

  I parked the car as far away from the building as I could in the little gravel parking area. Under a tree for shade, I left Jason in the car and locked it. I looked at him through the glass.

  ‘I'll be back in a few minutes,’ I told him.

  He was still seemingly asleep, although every now and then his eyes would open halfway. I'd already tried waving my hand in front of his barely open eyes but got no reaction. I didn't know how much longer he'd be in this state, I may not have much time left.

  I walked up the stone steps to the enormous wooden double doors, one of which was propped open. When I poked my head inside I saw that thankfully, Fulbourne was just as I remembered as a child, every bit as neat and tidy inside as it was outside. Everything was minimal, and the walls were painted cool blue and white. There were paintings on the walls, not in loose frames but nailed firmly down.

  ‘Can I help you, young man?’ A lady with glasses smiled as she approached.

  ‘Yes, please. I need to see someone about admitting my er, cousin.’

  ‘Certainly. Won't you come this way?’

  She led me into an office. I tried to sit still and relax in my chair as she began to fill in a white form with an expensive looking pen.

  ‘Name?’

  ‘Er, Mike Miller.’

  ‘Of the person you're admitting?’ she smiled at me.

  ‘Oh. Jason Reilly.’

  ‘Relation?’

  ‘My cousin,’ I said, trying to remain calm.

  ‘Condition?’

  ‘Um,’ I stated helpfully. ‘Well...it's hard to say. I think he needs a diagnosis really. Perhaps a couple of weeks?’

  The lady regarded me over the rim of her glasses. ‘We have two types of patient here. Either someone has to commit themselves willingly, or they are committed by their doctor.’

  I nodded. ‘I understand. My cousin's...condition will likely make him forget that he wanted to come here. Even though that's what he wants.’

  ‘I see,’ she said. ‘Probably best you speak to Mrs. McKane.’

  Mrs. McKane was a matronly woman, in a pristine cardigan buttoned up to the top of her white collared blouse. There was no doubt that she was in charge of the running of the place.

  I tried to be at my charming best but wasn't entirely sure it rubbed off on her. She was straight to the point, very blunt. Similar to the business women in New York, I thought.

  She worked out that I was up to something, and asked me outright what I wanted.

  ‘I'd like to admit my cousin for a couple of weeks, to keep him away from drugs. Then we can work on his condition.’

  I only saw it as a little white lie. I also hinted that I had a lot of money to spend and would be looking to make a sizeable donation as well as the admittance fee. Luckily, this seemed to work in my favor. Thank God for bribery.

  ‘So your cousin has a drugs dependency?’ Mrs. McKane asked.

  ‘Yes, I believe it's heroin. I don't know if there's anything else.’

  Mrs. McKane was unmoved. ‘We aren't specifically a rehab centre, Mr. Miller. Although we do rehabilitate patients in all forms of physical and mental issues. This will be more expensive to you however, as the patient will require constant medical supervision, not to mention drugs like painkillers or sedatives to stop the body going into shock.’

  ‘The cost isn't important to me,’ I told her. ‘I just need him to be looked after.’

  ‘Well you can count on that, Mr. Miller. When did you want to have him admitted?’

  ‘Um,’ I stalled for a second, hoping I wasn't pressing my luck. ‘He's actually here now.’

  I watched them take Jason inside.

  Mrs. McKane and a burly looking man in a white uniform came to the car with me as I opened the door for them. I felt strange watching someone else lift Jason and carry him. I didn't want anyone else to touch him but I knew it was for his own good.

  Was I being selfish? I did have his interests in mind, didn't I?

  In the daylight, I saw his skin wasn't simply pale any more, it had grey and yellow tinges to it. Surely if I left him on his own he'd end up killing himself like Robin did? Even if I hadn't asked him first,
I was doing him a favor, I reasoned.

  Inside, the orderly placed Jason in a metal wheelchair but he flopped to the side. I wanted to intervene but Mrs. McKane got there first.

  ‘Not like that, Matthew,’ she said in her brusque tone. ‘Prop him up, now support his head. That's right, and off we go. Mr. Miller?’ she addressed me now. I tore my eyes away from watching this burly man wheel Jason down the hall. ‘Mr. Miller, you go with Miss. Hunter to fill in your details.’

  ‘Oh, OK.’ I was led away by the younger lady in the glasses. I looked back over my shoulder once more. I was doing the right thing, I hoped to myself.

  After I'd given them my details and paid the admission fee (and then some) I left Fulbourne. They gave me a brochure about the place, and a card with the number for Mrs. McKane's secretary. I looked at the building longingly before I drove off. I wondered where they'd put him. Mrs. McKane had said they recommended two weeks, and I guess I had no real desire to see Jason being forced to stop taking heroin.

  In truth I was scared of what he would say to me when he was sober.

  I'd been telling myself, even if he told me to get lost at least then I'd know and I could get on with my life. But I knew I didn't want that. Seeing those notes he'd written had reignited everything inside me I'd tried to so hard to forget about.

  Didn't mean he felt the same way now. It was four years ago, and I'd probably missed my chance.

  I drove back into town and stopped at a diner.

  It was nearly four in the afternoon and I hadn't eaten a thing all day. My stomach rumbled and I ordered food but when it arrived I just picked at it. I sipped at my soda. I didn't feel like drinking, least not this drink anyway. I waited until it was almost five, then drove down onto Fairview. I stopped outside the garage and waved when I saw AJ.

  ‘Whoa, mama!’ he exclaimed. ‘Nice car!’

  ‘It's my Dad's,’ I smiled.

  ‘Present?’ AJ opened the passenger door and got in.