The Price of Falling

by Tushmore, Melanie

  ‘You beat me to it,’ she smiled.

  ‘My pleasure,’ I told her. ‘When you're ready I just want to go over what I've missed.’

  Aaron rolled in at eight-fifty, looking rumpled. We didn't really have to be in until nine but most of the team got in at eight-thirty.

  ‘You're back!’ he greeted, coming straight over. ‘How is everything?’

  I shrugged. ‘Could be better. Could be worse too, I guess.’

  That was true, I thought.

  As long as people were still alive, and here, that was what mattered.

  It was still difficult waiting.

  Alicia phoned me in the evenings with any news. They'd move Dad in a few days, as he was stable. He needed constant care though. That wouldn't be cheap. Mom couldn't do it at home, unless she got the house modified. That wasn't cheap either. It was all things to think about.

  As if that wasn't enough, I was now constantly worrying how Jason was. I called Fulbourne every other day. I would have called every day but I worried they'd get sick of me phoning. I spoke to Dr. Harris a couple of times. He'd been trying to do basic tests on Jason but he was being awkward apparently. They'd had to sedate him just to get a blood sample.

  The results would come back in a few days. Jason was currently in day four of the withdrawal symptoms. The vomiting and diarrhoea had subsided, now he just had the nausea, chills, cramps and anxiety.

  ‘When the withdrawal process has finished we'll be able to run more tests and check his mental state,’ Dr. Harris informed me in his usual monotone.

  ‘Actually,’ I interjected. ‘I'd rather come over then and see what he wants to do.’

  Dr. Harris didn't respond at first, until I added, ‘If that's OK?’

  ‘Well, it's your bill,’ he said.

  Didn't I know it.

  It hadn't even been a week but I'd already gotten a rough costing so far of what I was going to be charged. I'd already paid a deposit for Jason's room, a little extra to convince Mrs. McKane into it, and I had to get a donation of sorts to them as well.

  This was going to be an expensive month.

  I really concentrated on work for the next few days, thankful for something else to occupy my mind. I wasn't sleeping well. On my own I had this terrible feeling of panic about to set in. I couldn't bear the waiting. I felt too exhausted to go to the gym or anywhere else.

  Instead, after work I went to a toy store and started buying up small gifts for AJ and Cat. I had planned to buy them a whole lot more. I was always pleased to spend my money on other people. This month however I'd have to be more careful. Maybe it was better buying small gifts at first anyway, I didn't want to offend them by being flashy with presents. The toy store was like an Aladdin’s cave. An assistant had to help me pick toys suitable for a baby as I had no idea about what the age ranges were. I had the gifts boxed and paid for them to be shipped straight out to their house.

  Shopping for other people gave me the space to unwind. I went to other toy stores and simply gazed at shelf upon shelf of items, planning what I'd buy next for baby Kitty. When I passed a big record store I found myself wandering in and hovering in the pop and rock section under 'D'. There were mostly CD's now, not records or tapes. I thought maybe Jason would be less angry with me if I bought him something.

  He'd always loved his music but it didn't look like he had anything back in that squat. I didn't really know the names of the other bands he liked. I could remember Depeche Mode however. I picked up every CD they had and carried them to the front desk in my arms.

  ‘Big fan?’ The clerk smiled at me.

  ‘Yeah, something like that,’ I mumbled.

  When I got home I piled the CD's next to my virtually unused CD player.

  They'd be ready for Jason when he came here, I thought. I didn't want to think about any other outcome. I tried to think of more ways to persuade him to come to New York; the apartment was already clean and tidy, thanks to Maria who came in the afternoons. I couldn't remember any other music Jason liked. I knew if I randomly bought CD's they'd be all wrong. The only other things I remembered him doing was drinking and smoking pot.

  Well, no that wasn't true. The things I remembered most was everything we did together. However I still wasn't sure if he'd done all that purely for money. A part of me liked to think that he did like being with me. Hopefully I'd find out soon.

  Blake called. It was good to hear his voice. He was in Ellwood, said he was sorry he missed me but this was the first chance he could get away. He said he'd gone to visit Dad in hospital, and talk to my Mom. He'd had to bring a solicitor so Mom could sign papers for Blake to take over Dad's part of the business, purely as temporary until Dad was back to normal.

  I appreciated how he worded this, but I think we both knew Dad would never be able to run the business again. Blake told me he'd suggested Mom had home help for Dad but he could see it becoming too difficult to care for him in that house.

  ‘Likely she's gotta make up her mind about moving to a smaller place,’ Blake said. ‘Somewhere that can accommodate what's needed. Especially for the restroom, you know.’

  ‘Yeah,’ I agreed.

  ‘Best give her a cup'la weeks to think about it. I told her I'm here if she needs me. It'll all be just fine. I told that sister of yours to get herself back to college too. No point moping when he don't even realize people are sitting around waiting for him to get better. That's the sad truth.’

  ‘Thank you, Blake. I'm glad they're listening to you,’ I told him.

  ‘Ah, it's no problem. We have to deal with what the good Lord hands out to us.’

  I smiled into the phone and thanked him again. I still wasn't religious, but I appreciated the sentiment.

  It was good to have Alicia come back. I didn't realize how lonely I felt without her. I bought a big bunch of fresh flowers and after failing miserably at arranging them in a vase, asked Maria to do it.

  Maria had come over to drop off a dish of freshly made lasagna, as she was prone to doing for us.

  Alicia was pleased to be back as well; I gave her a big hug and we ate dinner with Maria.

  I felt sorry for Tony sitting alone in their shop but I think he liked being left in peace occasionally.

  I wasn't sleeping well but I felt better having Alicia back. That was, until she started asking me a lot of questions.

  The next day when I got in from work she wanted to know everything. I figured she had a guilty conscience. I couldn't be mad at her for what she did. I was still upset but I felt like my feelings were on hold until I'd spoken to Jason anyway. I figured if he did agree to come live here I should be honest with Alicia, mostly to avoid any further misunderstandings.

  ‘He's a drug addict?’ She said, shocked.

  ‘He's in rehab.’

  ‘Yeah but only because you put him there.’

  ‘There's no point presuming anything,’ I answered as calmly as I could. ‘I'll go and talk to him when he's better and see what happens.’

  ‘You want him to come here, don't you?’

  ‘Yes,’ I stated.

  ‘Mike, how well do you really know him?’

  Her question cut through me like a knife.

  The answer to that was twofold. I'd gone over this countless times myself and knew that really, I had only known Jason for five months. I knew that probably wasn't long, especially as the first time I'd spoken to him was in March, and the last time was in June. So we really only knew each other for four months. I realized this was a short time.

  However I also had the cast iron belief that it simply didn't matter. I knew Jason wasn't a bad person. Yes he could be difficult, and yes I had spent a lot of time being frustrated but none of that mattered when I held him close, when he let me kiss him. No-one else could make my heart feel like it was going to burst out of my chest. I'd give anything to feel that way again.

  I looked at Alicia as I replied. ‘Well enough.’

  She wasn't happy with my decision, and I coul
d feel her disapproving glances whenever I came home with new things. I bought extra toiletries, clothes, towels. She knew they were for him.

  We didn't talk about it. I cleared out a space in my closet for the new things. I had bought some plain t-shirts. I knew he probably wouldn't like what I bought but it was better than nothing for now. I had also bought some sweat pants and normal pants. I knew Jason had lived in his ripped jeans but I had no idea what size he was.

  Whatever size he used to be was bigger than what he was now. I tried not to think about how thin and ill he looked when I last saw him.

  Mom called Alicia every couple of days to give her news. I didn't really speak to Mom, I still felt quite distant from the family. Obviously I hoped Dad would recover but I was realistic when I thought it was unlikely. I had resigned myself to not having anything to do with them and it would probably take time to feel any differently.

  I could tell Alicia was still very upset about Dad, so for her I feigned interest. I told her it was best to concentrate on her studies, as she was three weeks behind already.

  Dr. Harris called while I was at work; he had the results of Jason's blood test. I had been dreading this, assuming the worst.

  ‘We've diagnosed Hepatitis B from the blood test. The results for HIV are inconclusive, so we'd have to run more. He also has bronchitis, which has likely been long standing for a while.’

  I tried to take it all in. ‘So... What next?’

  ‘We've administered medication,’ Dr. Harris reported in his monotone voice. ‘It doesn't help that he refuses to take them. The antibiotics won't work properly if not taken as instructed.’

  ‘Oh right,’ I said. ‘Well, I guess I'll come down and speak to him.’

  ‘That was my reason for calling,’ Dr. Harris said with a cough. ‘Jason has... left.’

  I felt my blood run cold under my skin.

  ‘What?’ I asked quietly.

  ‘In fact, he climbed out of the shower room window.’

  My mouth moved but I couldn't speak.

  ‘It's highly irregular,’ Dr. Harris continued. ‘If we'd been briefed on his sober behavior we would not have allowed him into the communal shower room unsupervised.’

  ‘Have you looked for him?’ I asked hoarsely.

  ‘Of course, but he's not on the grounds. I do have to warn you, Mr. Miller, the likelihood is that, as an addict, the first thing he'll do is look for drugs. With heroin addicts they make the often fatal mistake of taking their normal dose when their body won't need that much.’

  ‘Fatal?’ I repeated.

  ‘Yes, an over-dose.’

  I stared ahead without really seeing anything. I heard Dr. Harris mutter something about passing me to Mrs. McKane. When she came on the phone she quickly apologized for the 'inconvenience' and started to ask questions, like where he would go and would I be bringing him back.

  ‘But I'm in New York,’ I whispered. ‘He'd probably be in the Whitlow building on the industrial estate.’

  I heard a disapproving sound from Mrs. McKane. ‘We don't have the staff for search parties, Mr. Miller.’

  I had no choice, I had to offer more money for their staff to do 'over-time' and look for Jason. Mrs. McKane still wasn't keen, I could tell. I was in shock but had to get them to look for him, one way or another. I hinted that I'd sue them if anything happened to him. Mrs. McKane reluctantly agreed to send two of the orderlies over the Whitlow building.

  She told me she'd let me know if there was any news.

  I noticed she said 'if' and not 'when.'

  After I hung up the phone I balled my right hand into a fist and punched down on my wooden desk. It was a quiet sound for something that sent such excruciating pain through my hand and up my arm. I huddled over and clenched my teeth, concentrating on the pain. I had to concentrate on something else or I was going to lose it.

  All I could think was, I've killed him.

  They wouldn't find him until it was too late, and even if I got on a plane right now I'd be too late.

  After a few minutes I dialed the number for Texas, getting through to the operator. I asked for the Ellwood police station, and spoke to a man who I hoped would know what he was doing.

  ‘Can I issue a reward for a missing person?’ I asked in as calm a voice as I could.

  ‘If you want,’ the man drawled in an accent similar to Blake's. ‘Send us a picture over and we'll print it up.’

  ‘Oh,’ I realized. ‘I need a photo.’

  ‘Has this person got a mug shot?’

  ‘Huh?’

  ‘Well,’ the officer explained. ‘If they've been arrested before we may have a mug shot on file.’

  ‘Oh, right. Yeah, maybe.’

  I told him Jason's name and waited as he placed the phone down and walked away. I waited almost five minutes before he came back with the first piece of good luck that day.

  ‘Yep, we actually got two. Long hair, right?’

  ‘Yes,’ I choked. ‘How does this work then?’

  ‘Well, leave it with me. I'll make it up, fax you a copy over and you yay or nay it.’

  I agreed, and gave them more details. The officer recommended if I wanted anyone to pay attention I should offer at least a couple of hundred dollars. I told him to put five hundred dollars on, and immediately felt awful for putting a price on the hope of finding Jason.

  Over and over I thought, what have I done?

  It could be too late even now. If I'd just left him alone he'd still be alive. He may have killed himself eventually but all I had done was sped up the process.

  I'd never hated myself so much.

  When I'd given the officer more details, especially the part about Jason being an addict, he was less sympathetic. He told me to speak to the local hospitals and give them my details once I had the poster, as he kindly informed me 'they won't take in junkies'.

  ‘Thank you,’ I'd said through gritted teeth. I needed his help, I couldn't be curt with him.

  I waited and waited, finally my fax machine started to whir. I raced over to it as the poster rolled out. I snatched it up and stared at the black and white picture. It was definitely a mug shot; the officer had just about managed to cut off the police numbers which would have been along the bottom.

  Arrested for minor theft two years ago, he had told me. It was just Jason's head and shoulders, the only picture I had. He didn't look as awful here but not that great either. He was facing the camera as was probably instructed, wearing that all-too familiar expression I'd seen so many times before, the one that was guarded and about to frown.

  This will be the only picture I ever have, a voice said. I tried to ignore it as I dialed the operator again for a list of all the hospitals around Ellwood.

  Calling the first one was the hardest, I hadn't worked out how to phrase what I needed and almost choked on my words. I told the receptionist I wanted to fax them a copy of the poster so they'd know to admit Jason if he happened to be found or brought in, and I'd pay the bill.

  All the receptionists I spoke to accepted the information and my frantic need to repeat myself about how important it was. I realized to them, it would just be another patient or at worst, another drug addict. But to me, this was the love of my life.

  Who could already be dead by now.

  I was a wreck. I'd faxed out the poster to anyone in Ellwood that would care or pretend to. I couldn't do any work, my eyes kept drifting away from the desk to stare into space. When we had a meeting later I couldn't get my words out. I told everyone I didn't feel well and we wrapped up early for the day. I stayed in my office, waiting to speak to Mrs. McKane.

  When I did finally speak to her, it wasn't good news. She said the orderlies hadn't found Jason. I had my doubts they'd even bothered going there but had to cling to some hope. I asked them to go again tomorrow. I had no idea how I was going to get by until then.

  I called AJ from the privacy of my office. Tara had already gone home and I told Aaron I was too unwell for the gy
m. It was early evening now, AJ had just got home but was cheerful when he answered.

  ‘Hey Mike!’ he greeted. ‘We got the toys today! They're awesome, Kitty's tiny little eyes are bugging out with excitement!’

  ‘Oh, good,’ I said absently. ‘Um, I need to ask you something.’

  AJ caught onto my tone. ‘Sure, man, what's wrong?’

  ‘Um, well, Jason ran off,’ I explained. ‘I thought, if you saw him, would you call Fulbourne for me? 'Cause they said it's likely he'd over-dose if he...um...’

  I couldn't get my words out. I felt exhausted from repeating this likely scenario, my worst nightmare, over and over again. I took a deep breath, trying to hold it all together.

  This was no time to fall apart.

  ‘Oh man,’ AJ sighed. ‘What a moron. You know we went through all this with him and Robin a while back. You can't tell 'em, Mike.’

  ‘I know but,’ I said shakily. ‘If he over-doses, it's my fault. I wanted to talk to him...’

  AJ was silent for a minute. ‘Hey, I'm sure it'll be cool.’ he said. ‘Have you told the cops? We can pretend he stole something, they'd look for him then!’

  ‘They've done a reward poster for me.’

  ‘Reward? How much?’

  ‘Well, five hundred dollars,’ I replied, feeling awful all over again.

  I'd give everything I owned to have Jason safe.

  ‘Five hundred dollars!’ AJ shouted down the phone. ‘Holy shit! Well if I see him first, that money's mine!’ he laughed. ‘Look man, there's nothing you can do. You've done nothing wrong, and whatever he ends up doing is his own stupid fault, same as Robin. You can't go blaming yourself.’

  ‘But it is my fault,’ I repeated.

  ‘Nothing's happened yet! Jason's not as dumb as Robin anyway, I'm sure he'll be fine. Stop worrying, go have a drink. I'm sure someone will find him for that reward. You're nuts, you know that?’

  ‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘I know.’

  I did as AJ instructed. On my way home I stopped in a quiet bar and drank three large whiskies, one straight after another. So much for not drinking. But I had to escape my own head for a while. Before I got a cab home I bought a large bottle of whiskey to take with me.