Pride, Prejudice, and Push-Up Bras

by Mary Strand

  “Dad?” Lydia’s head whipped around, but Dad was still camped in the living room and not answering. “Dad, I’m not going to an all-girls’ school, am I?”

  I laughed out loud. “Sweetheart, that’s the least of the surprises in your life.”

  “Liz!” Mom patted Lydia’s arm. “It’s one of the top schools in the nation, dear. You’ll love it.”

  “But will there be guys there?”

  I grinned. “Maybe outside the windows, panting.”

  As an uproar ensued, I slid out of my chair and headed for sanctuary. Dad set down his cell phone as I walked past him. “I’m afraid Lydia can’t stay. I’m taking her to the airport. Lydia, I’ll wait until I’ve actually seen the plane taxi out and take off. We leave in five minutes.”

  “But Dad—”

  “Complain and you’ll have less than five minutes. Now say your good-byes. It’ll be some time before you get to see everyone again.” He looked sharply at his watch as Lydia scrambled to her feet.

  “Like Christmas?”

  As Lydia’s question hung in the air, the doorbell rang, and Mary went to answer it. She returned to the kitchen and pointed at the front door, shaking too hard to speak. I dashed after Dad to check it out.

  Two police officers stood at the door. “Mr. Bennet? We understand that Lydia Bennet did not arrive as promised on the flight to Montana, and we need to collect her if she’s here.”

  “I was just about to take her to the airport. I’ll make sure she boards the next flight.”

  “We’ll accompany you, sir.”

  Mom joined us at the door, shrieking. “Howard? Why do they care if Lydia didn’t catch her flight? She’s just going off to boarding school. She’s just a girl!”

  Dad stepped outside, joining the two officers, and pulled the door shut. A moment later, he came back inside, and the police left in their squad car. “There’s been a mistake, dear. Sorry. Now, Lydia, please get your things.”

  “But how did they make such a big mistake?”

  “These things happen. Especially around Lydia.”

  As Lydia scooted upstairs, and Mom scurried after her, I whispered to Dad. “What’s up?”

  “They’ll meet us at the airport. If I don’t show up with Lydia in twenty minutes, she won’t be the only member of our family arrested this week.”

  Lydia flounced back downstairs, sporting a determined gleam in her eye. I figured she was already plotting her escape.

  Well, Dad and the police could worry about that. I had enough to think about. As thoughts of Alex and Justin and Lydia swirled in my head, The Book leaped to my mind. The jury might still be out—so to speak—but it finally looked as if someone in the family hadn’t followed The Book.

  For once in my life, I thanked God for Lydia.

  After Lydia left, Mom managed to drag herself to work, but she got on the phone first thing Saturday morning. Within a few minutes, the phone clattered to the floor.

  I looked up from my Sudoku book. “What happened? Lydia actually got on the plane this time?”

  Ignoring me, Mom stomped to the stairs. “Jane, come down here!”

  I finally heard the door creak open upstairs, followed by Jane’s slow footsteps on the stairs.

  Mom jabbed a finger in Jane’s face. “Charlie Bingham is back in town.”

  Jane’s face morphed from deathly white to bright pink, but she didn’t say anything.

  “Tell me you didn’t get him to come back.” After more silence from Jane, Mom tilted her head to one side, studying Jane. “I believe Charlie bought a company here.” Which meant Mom was back to her old Google tricks. “Perhaps he’s just in town for that, and he’ll leave again.”

  Jane opened her mouth, then shut it. Finally, Mom went back to the kitchen, muttering to herself. I trailed Jane back upstairs and found her on her bed. For the first time in her life, smoking a cigarette.

  “Don’t look at me like that, Liz.” She sucked in on the cigarette and starting coughing. “Oh, God. I thought it was supposed to be so relaxing to smoke.”

  “Only if you’re in the habit.” I snatched the cigarette out of her mouth, dropped it into a stale can of soda on my desk, and wrenched open the window to clear out the stench. “Where did you get that, anyway?”

  “Lydia’s room. Where else?”

  I rolled my eyes.

  She shrugged. “It’s just that Charlie can’t set foot in Minnesota without Mom wondering what he’s going to do to me, as if The Book is coming true. I mean, what a joke.”

  I frowned as I plunked down, cross-legged, on the floor. Ready or not, the moment had arrived to talk about Charlie. Even if I had to pin Jane to her bed until she admitted what was up. “Is it such a joke? To you?”

  She folded her hands in her lap. “Didn’t I say it was?”

  “You’re talking to me. The girl who saw Charlie last weekend.” When she still didn’t look at me, I kept going. “And who heard about the whole thing.”

  Jane’s head practically snapped off her neck.

  “What did he say?”

  I shrugged. “He’s tried to call you, but you won’t speak to him.” I watched Jane’s eyes widen, and I knew she was trying to come up with another big fat lie. Which didn’t hurt at all. Not. “That’s not how you explained it to me.”

  Jane nibbled on her lower lip for a moment. “I couldn’t tell you, Liz. It was so embarrassing.”

  “I thought you told me the embarrassing part.” I could still picture the Victoria’s Secret dressing room on Valentine’s Day. “You said you, uh, did it with Charlie.”

  Jane’s face went hot pink, totally clashing with her peach top. “It got worse. I ran into Stephanie the next day, and I just knew she knew. And she kept laughing. Then I tried calling Charlie a couple of times that afternoon, but he had Stephanie return my call. Both times.”

  “Maybe she did it without his knowledge. Maybe she was pissed, or wanted to bust you guys up, or she was jerking you around.”

  “She wouldn’t do that, Liz.” A sigh escaped Jane. In a pathetic sort of way. “Besides, Charlie never called me.”

  “He said he did.”

  “A couple of days later.”

  My jaw dropped. This whole mess erupted because he took a whopping two days to call her?

  “He could’ve been tied up with work. Charlie runs a huge company.”

  “But this was huge.” Jane’s chin wobbled. “To me. So I asked Dad to change my cell-phone number—” Oh, God. “—but he refused. He said he might even take back the Prius.”

  I blinked. “Dad? The guy who let Lydia run wild in Wisconsin Dells?”

  Jane shrugged. “He said he had higher standards for me.”

  “But...why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Because you never do anything stupid.” She hiccuped on a tiny sob. “Because you’d be disappointed in me.”

  I’d done a million stupid things around Alex. I won’t even think about Justin. “Oh, Jane.”

  “Did, um, Alex say anything about me?”

  I laughed, hoping to take the edge off this conversation. “He actually thought you were stalking Charlie. He obviously didn’t know Charlie was the one trying so hard all this time to talk to you.”

  Jane’s face went stark white.

  “C’mon, Jane, it’s a joke.” From the look on her face, she didn’t agree. “Really. Alex is just being a guy. He thinks every girl Charlie meets wants to hit on him, poor baby, just because he has a hot company.”

  She didn’t say anything. At all.

  “I didn’t say I thought so. You asked what Alex said.”

  She glanced at me, then curled up in a ball, rocking back and forth on the edge of her bed. “I was just so sure he was...the one.”

  I frowned. “Who? Alex?”

  She rolled her eyes. “Charlie. Alex was right. I tried to run into Charlie, first here, and then in New York.”

  “So? He obviously liked you. A lot. And we’ve all done stupid things
with guys we like.” I hadn’t done it much since ninth grade, but Jane had always been guy crazy. With Jane, guys didn’t exactly mind.

  She went still. “Liz, I’m not kidding. Alex was right. I finally realized how stupid I looked in New York only when Stephanie started laughing at me.”

  “Stephanie is a bitch.”

  Jane flinched. Some things hadn’t changed. “This isn’t about Stephanie, Liz. It’s about me. I did it, and I can’t take it back, but I can leave Charlie alone now. I plan to.”

  “What if he doesn’t have the same plan?”

  Jane smiled wryly. “You don’t give up, do you?”

  The real question was, would Charlie?

  By Tuesday evening, Jane hadn’t heard from Charlie. I decided to go over to his condo and ring the buzzer until I got some answers.

  Jane stopped me as I sat on the stairs, my running shoes and a pair of socks beside me. “You’re not.”

  “Not what?” I looked the picture of innocence, not to mention totally grubby. My Ramones T-shirt had holes under the arms and my running shorts were worn out in the butt.

  Jane waited until I finished lacing up, then walked outside with me, shutting the front door behind us. “I wish Mom would quit warning me about Charlie. It’s like—”

  She broke off just as I caught the approach of Charlie—and Alex!—along the sidewalk, only a couple of houses away.

  “Shit!” I hissed between my teeth as I grabbed the front door handle. “Later!”

  I slipped inside, leaving the door open and Jane alone on the front step, probably quivering down to her knees.

  “Liz, get back here!”

  “Not in this outfit.”

  I admit I made no sense, since I’d planned to trot over to Charlie’s condo like this only a minute ago. Somehow, I hadn’t counted on Alex being in town. As the guys started up our front sidewalk, I sprinted for the stairs.

  Making everything worse, Mom’s radar must’ve felt the guys arriving, too. Halfway up the stairs, I saw Mom wipe her hands on a dish towel as she muttered something vulgar, then tossed the towel over her shoulder. It maybe went five feet.

  I glanced down at myself and dashed into my room, slamming the door after me.

  Full panic mode hit. I stared blindly at my closet, whipped open drawer after drawer of clothes. I just couldn’t let Alex see me like this, even though he’d seen me exactly like this—well, except for the underarm holes—a million times.

  Shit. Shit. Shit.

  I gulped in deep breaths as I yanked open my underwear drawer and started rummaging. Bingo. I pulled out two more bras I’d bought at Victoria’s Secret. One a whisper-thin nothing of black lace, the other a Holy Moley push-up bra in red satin that turned my almost-B cup into a C-plus.

  After a moment’s frantic hesitation, I tossed the black lace back in the drawer and opted for the Lydia approach.

  I stripped off my clothes and strapped myself into my war gear. But what shirt? Pants? Shorts? I shook my head at the miniskirt in my closet. I might be able to get away with one in front of Aunt Molly and Uncle Ed, but I couldn’t pull it off in front of my family. They knew me too well. Argh.

  The voices downstairs grew louder, and someone called my name. Jane, I think, sounding strangled. I glanced down at the missiles sticking straight out from my chest, wondering how Stephanie Bingham had the guts—or the boobs—to pull it off. Not that I wanted to be like Stephanie. I wanted to be like Liz Bennet, only with boobs.

  Someone else shouted my name, and I frantically grabbed a low-cut blue knit top I’d recently bought at the Gap and a pair of tight jeans. I hadn’t shaved my legs since getting home, and I didn’t want Alex focusing on that.

  I slapped my forehead. God, I sounded like an idiot. I almost stripped off the bra, but I was out of time. So I pulled on the top, shimmied into the jeans, and didn’t bother glancing in the mirror. I knew I looked stupid and way too much like Lydia, and look where she’d ended up.

  I swung open the door and tried to saunter casually down the stairs, even though the jeans were riding hard up my butt. Every time I yanked down the hem of my shirt, my boobs popped out the top. Even though that was theoretically the point of this bra, I wasn’t exactly ready for anyone to notice me.

  Fat chance. When I made it to the bottom step, everyone turned to stare. As my face flushed hot, I prayed that no one in my family would say a word—talk about a miracle—and that Alex and Charlie, at least, wouldn’t think anything was weird.

  Alex just stood there, staring at my chest.

  As Charlie blinked, Jane bit her lip and glanced down the front of her own shirt. Mom was stunned speechless. But when Mary started to say something, Jane swatted her.

  Feeling desperate, I aimed for breezy. “Hey Charlie. Hey Alex. Long time no see.”

  Alex’s gaze finally moved to my eyes. “Liz.”

  He didn’t say another word. I knew I looked like a hooker; Alex’s perusal of my boobs said enough. The Alex I’d seen in Connecticut was gone, and the old Alex returned. In all his stuck-up glory.

  Cat giggled, breaking the awkward moment, and Charlie’s head snapped upward, turning immediately to Jane.

  And Mom finally found her tongue. Unfortunately.

  “I thought you’d left Woodbury permanently, Charlie.” As she said it, Mom sliced a cold look first at Charlie, then Alex. She clearly wasn’t thrilled to see the guys, which had to make Alex question his stalker theory. Even if, okay, he’d been right about Jane. As it turned out.

  I cut in. “Will you be here long?”

  “A few days, maybe more. I’m not too sure of things right now.” Charlie darted a quick glance at Jane, who was looking at everyone but Charlie.

  When no one spoke, Cat giggled again. “Liz, why are you all dressed up like that? Were you going out?”

  Alex looked startled, maybe guessing I had a date and it wasn’t with him. The thought wasn’t necessarily a bad one—I saw how jealous Alex got in Fargo when I flirted with Patrick—but I didn’t know where Cat’s line of questioning would go, and Mary looked ready to pounce.

  Jane grabbed my hand and yanked me through the cluster at the door. “Liz and I were planning to go out for a while.” Her eyes went wide and I nodded. “But if you guys would like to join us, that’d be okay.”

  Alex and Charlie glanced at each other and followed us outside. Cat trailed after, begging to come along.

  “No!” Jane and I said it in unison, trying not to burst out laughing until we were safely away. The front door was still open, and three sets of ears were straining to hear anything we might say.

  Not that anyone was saying anything.

  Charlie and Jane, both crimson, just stared at each other. Alex stared at me, so I kept glancing at my bare feet. In our rush to get outside, I’d completely forgotten that I didn’t have any shoes on. But I wasn’t going back in the house.

  No one mentioned my outfit, thank God, but I felt utterly stupid. I crossed my arms, which only pushed my boobs higher, as if they were lunging for freedom. So I uncrossed them. And stood on one foot, then the other, if only to make everyone forget my mutant-growth boobs.

  Charlie spoke first. “Do you want to go out to dinner?”

  Alex shook his head. “They can’t. Liz would have to wear shoes.”

  I reached out to slug his arm but pulled back at the last instant, realizing that people don’t slug Alex. They probably either shake his hand or sue him. But Alex grabbed my hand and held on an instant, stared at me, then let it go.

  He is so weird.

  Jane murmured something in a low voice to Charlie, who murmured back. Alex didn’t say anything more, and I kept staring at my toes, wondering if I could get a refund on the new bra.

  It obviously wasn’t working.

  Chapter 22

  “I think you are in very great danger of making him as much in love with you as ever.”

  — Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice, Volume III, Chapter Twelve

&n
bsp; After the guys left—without going out for dinner or even making plans, let alone offering to kiss anyone—Jane and I slinked back inside, dodged the posse at the front door, and zipped upstairs to our bedroom.

  We should’ve just gone out, I realized when I glanced down at my hooker outfit. So Jane found her keys, I grabbed a pair of sandals, and we took off for another wild night at the DQ.

  Jane opted for a Diet Coke, and I got my usual cherry Dilly. The minute we sat down, I shook my head. “Why did Alex bother showing up? He never said a word.”

  “He held your hand.”

  “For two seconds. By accident. He hardly noticed me.”

  Jane lifted one eyebrow. “From the moment you sashayed down the stairs, everyone noticed you. I thought I’d lost Charlie for a moment there.” She glanced down at the table. “I mean, not that I ever had him.”

  I patted her hand. “You had him a year ago, and he’s still crazy about you. Can’t you see it?”

  “All I see is that he left and didn’t come back.”

  “He tried to call you. You wouldn’t speak to him.”

  She stared out the window as she played with her straw. “Well, now we’ve seen each other, and it’s cool. Even though we hardly talked.”

  “No, you hardly said a word that I could overhear.”

  “I don’t even remember what we said. But he’s obviously indifferent, and that’s how I feel, too.” She took a dainty sip of her soda.

  “No, it’s going to heat up between you two, just like it did before.” I winked at her. “Even if you are a stalker.”

  “Liz! Are you nuts?”

  I crunched down on my Dilly, savoring the sweet cherry flavor. “Obviously. Haven’t you noticed what I’m wearing?”

  “Who could help it?” Jane grinned, saluting me with her Diet Coke. “But next time, maybe take someone other than Lydia shopping with you?”

  I smiled, acknowledging the hit and Jane’s new wicked streak. But I was done with dressing to excite. All I’d gotten were some giggles and raised brows. And no Alex.