Escape

by Jay Crownover

  Sutton’s chair rocked back even farther. “Brynn is family.”

  I knew that.

  Brynn being family is what ruined us in the first place. “I know that. She went from being mine to protect and care for, to all of ours.” Maybe I wasn’t good at sharing, after all, I was the youngest. I grinned at the thought and turned to look at him. “I want to fix things between us. I don’t want to go back to the ranch and have it feel like we are opponents facing off in the ring anymore. Neither one of us is going to win that fight. We both belong on the ranch.” We were so close day in and day out, but so, so far away from each other in all the ways that mattered. We lived lives that ran parallel to one another, never crossing and never connecting, but somehow always intertwined. That gap was steadily widening, and soon there would be no way for either of us to reach across to touch the other.

  Sutton grunted in agreement and pointed his colorful can in my direction while keeping his gaze trained out on the horizon. “You gotta know that if it isn’t Jack or the next cowboy who comes calling, that eventually there will be someone who comes along and gets her to look at them the way she’s only ever looked at you. They’re going to see those legs and that hair and refuse to take ‘no’ for an answer. They’re going to find out how sweet and caring she is, and they’re going to hear about her nightmare of a childhood and move mountains to give her the kind of life she deserved from the start. Brynn might belong on our ranch, but she deserves the kind of love and the type of life that she might not be able to find if that’s the only place she ever is.” He tilted his head to look at me, his expression stern and thoughtful at the same time. “She doesn’t think she’ll fit in anywhere you aren’t, Lane. You’re her anchor, and it’s up to you to keep her steady and safe in the waves, but you have to realize you can also sink her so fucking deep she’ll never sail anywhere. I’m all for you making an effort to fix your friendship with her, that’s been a long time coming, but do not use the ties that have bound you together for so long to trap her when there is so much more out there for her. You’ll hate yourself if you take those opportunities away from her, and eventually, she’ll hate you too.”

  I wanted to tell him he had no idea what he was talking about, but the truth was he knew better than anyone else what it felt like to be trapped in obligation and responsibility. Neither Cy nor I had noticed what our father’s legacy was doing to Sutton until it was too late. He had drowned right in front of me, pulled under by the weight of expectation and the fear of the unknown.

  My hands curled around the bottle, and I lowered my head to look at the deck between the scuffed toes of my boots. “I don’t want to hold her back.” But I couldn’t say I didn’t want to hold her down because I did, preferably while she was naked and I was pounding my cock as deep inside her as I could get.

  Sutton sat forward, the front legs of the chair thumping loudly on the deck. He reached out a hand, and the familiar feel of the work hardened palm on the back of my neck and calloused fingers squeezing me there pulled a relieved sound out of me. He might look like a new and improved version of Sutton, but at his core, he was still the older brother who let me follow him around and showed me everything I would need to know to be the best rancher I could be. The parts of him that I loved the most were still there under the new packaging. “I’m not saying you’re holding her back. I’m telling you that you might not be the one who can give her what she wants and if you recognize that, then you need to do the right thing and let her go once and for all.” He gave me a little shake like I was a misbehaving dog that made me scowl at him. “Cy called and told me what happened at the engagement party. You hightailing out of there when you saw that ring tells me you were scared shitless she was going to say yes. That tells me you want to be the guy who gives her what she wants, but you don’t know how.”

  I was scared, terrified that everything I knew about her and me was going to change. “I tried to give her what I thought she wanted when I asked her to marry me a hundred years ago. I got it wrong then, how am I supposed to know I’m getting it right now?”

  I still felt her rejection deep down inside of me. It used to throb and ache incessantly. Over the years the pain had dulled to a low hum until someone randomly bumped into a memory that triggered it. If she belonged to someone else, for real, not just in name, maybe I could finally let the simmering attraction and prickly want that crawled under my skin go. If she were no longer a Warner, I wouldn’t be torn between the way I felt for her before and the way I felt about her after she let my dad sacrifice everything for her.

  He made a noise low in his throat. “Brynn’s not going to say yes to anyone who isn’t the right person. Not after what happened the last time she said it. She may have gained a family and a safe place to call home, but she lost her best friend and her dream of a happy ever after. You have to know as scared as you were when Jack whipped out that ring, she was just as scared when she heard you took a bullet to the chest. No one is that scared for another person without a little bit of love being involved. You’re the most important person in her life too, Lane. Don’t take that lightly.”

  I watched as Sutton absently rubbed the spot in the center of his chest where the bullet he took while trying to save Emrys from being raped and tortured had ripped through him. That was another thing about Sutton that hadn’t changed. He had a hard time letting go of every mistake and misstep he made along the way, with his family and the woman he loved.

  I lifted my hand and pressed on the spot on my side where my bullet wound was still healing and tender to the touch. “Does it ever stop hurting?” I wasn’t talking about the injury so much as the memories of how we each ended up with the marks in the first place. I could still see Daye screaming and struggling in the arms of the man who shot me. She was crying, screaming her head off for her dad and me. All I could do was keep my head above water as the bastard who took her dragged my bleeding, barely conscious body into the river. I was supposed to protect her, and I failed. The knowledge of that burned worse than any of the surgeries I’d needed to fix my punctured lung and shattered ribs.

  He pushed even harder on the mark that was peeking over the collar of his wife-beater. It was still red and raised even though it was long healed. It was a constant reminder that he risked his life for the woman he was going to love.

  “Eventually I started to remember that every single day I get to wrap my arms around her and hold her close instead of seeing the look of terror on her face when it all went wrong. It takes time, but sooner or later you focus on the fact the person you tried to save is still here and not on the fact you almost lost them. The pain of watching someone you love suffer never goes away, but ultimately it’s a good reminder to stay vigilant and to make sure you cherish the people who matter most because you can lose them in the blink of an eye.” Like Daye lost her mom. Like we lost our dad.

  I shook my head and bent to put the empty bottle down on the deck by my feet. “I would never be able to look you in the eye again if anything had happened to Daye. I can’t imagine forgiving myself for letting that psychopath get the drop on us. I should have done more, been more vigilant.” It was a sore spot that I hadn’t stopped picking at since the day I woke up in the hospital and Cyrus gave me a rundown of what happened at the river that day.

  A smile pulled at my brother’s mouth, and the curled hand around the back of my neck gave the tense muscles there a squeeze. “We all could have done things differently, Lane. You don’t get to take all that guilt on yourself. That is too heavy a burden for one person to carry alone. My little brother and my daughter got to go home, and the man who hurt them will never see the light of day again. It was a hard-won victory, but it’s a victory nonetheless.”

  He cleared his throat and dropped his hand. Emotion made his voice thick and deeper than it usually was as he told me, “I’m proud of you, Lane. You are an amazing brother, a fantastic uncle, and you are a good man. You have the best parts of all of us in you, which is why I k
now you will do right by Brynn, even if it means staying to face all your fears.”

  Any time one of my brothers told me that they were proud of me and appreciated the man I had become, warmth spread throughout my chest, and my heart swelled double in size. All I wanted was to be like them and to be the kind of man they were honored to have stand with them. Their praise made me feel like I had taken everything my father taught me and put it to good use. I wasn’t letting my dad down if I had Cyrus and Sutton’s approval.

  It was my turn to clear my throat and battle back the clog of emotion that was threatening to choke me. “I’m proud of you too. I’m so glad you finally found what you needed to be happy. That’s all I ever wanted for you.”

  His answering smile lit up his entire face, and for a second all I could see was the carefree teenager I used to play football with in the pasture behind our home, and the guy who taught me how to chase girls and what to do with them when I caught them. “Got a lot of reasons to be happy now, and one on the way. It’s hard having all of that here while you and Cy are back home, though.”

  His grin dimmed just a fraction so it was my turn to reach out and clasp the back of his neck so I could give him a reassuring squeeze. “Your happiness is so big, so immense, we can feel it all the way in Wyoming, Sutton. The distance doesn’t matter, what we fill it up with does, and our distance is full of good shit. We don’t have to be in the same state to share all the great things happening in your life. Though, we both know there isn’t a chance in hell Leo is going to let Emrys bring that new baby into the big, bad world alone.”

  That got me a snort and a nod. “Trust me, I know. Em already told me if only one of us is allowed in the birthing room, it’s gonna be Leo.” He didn’t sound upset at that, but then again, he probably knew his pregnant woman was kidding. Sutton was a wonderful dad and a committed partner. He wasn’t letting any baby of his come into the world without being the first person there to whisper soft words to them and comfort them, all the while ensuring that Emrys was well and healthy and that Daye welcomed her sibling into the world right along with them.

  Leo Connor was Emrys’s best friend, a former California girl as well. She was a fiery redhead with a savvy business mind and my oldest brother’s fiancée. She was the glue that had filled in all the cracks where we Warners had fractured.

  I hadn’t realized how much I missed her smart mouth and meddling ways until I brought her up. I didn’t recognize how much the world around me was changing until I called Leo Cy’s fiancée in my head and teased Sutton about the upcoming birth. One brother was getting married, another one was having a baby, and here I was stuck in the same old rut. Caught between what I wanted most and what I told myself I could never have. Could I really risk loving someone the way I wanted to love Brynn from the start, knowing there was no guarantee she wouldn’t eventually walk away? That old fear was thick and hard to cut through, but I was starting to see all the good things on the other side of it.

  It was time for something to change.

  It was time for me to change…and not just because I was trying to keep up with, or trying to prove something to my big brothers. No, I needed change so I could have what they had… happiness.

  Chapter 4

  Brynn

  Help or Hinder

  It was a twelve-hour drive from Sacramento to the Grand Canyon. I figured Lane would pull the typical ‘I-can-make-the-whole-drive-in-a-day,' thing most men were known for. He surprised me by offering to stop in Joshua Tree National Park for the night so we could camp and see the desert. It was out of the way but since we were playing it by ear and sort of going where the wind took us it made sense to divert our route. When he said he wanted to take his time and see as much of the West Coast as he could, he meant it. He even offered to spend the day at Disneyland with me, but I wasn’t close to being ready to spend any time at the happiest place on Earth when my insides felt like they were at war with each other. I passed on getting to meet Mickey but readily agreed to a trip through the Mojave Desert on the way to Vegas, which was closer than the Grand Canyon, making it our next stop on this possibly ill-conceived adventure. The barren sprawl of the desert and the clear night skies were more my speed than a crowded theme park anyway. I was hoping the quiet and emptiness would calm the riot of feelings fighting for control inside of me.

  The first couple of hours flew by in a mostly companionable silence that only broke when his phone’s GPS told him to turn or warned that we were about to get stuck in California traffic. When he swore at the other drivers on the road it made me smile and laugh but didn’t exactly open the door for conversation. He didn’t like the traffic any more than I did and his massive truck had a much harder time navigating the packed freeways than my little rental. He sang along to the radio, often sounding better than Blake, Luke, Keith, Garth, and Sam.

  I recalled that it was when we started middle school that Lane became determined to find something that pulled him out of the shadow of his older brothers. Cy was the town golden boy, the prodigy. Sutton was the Big Man on Campus, the most popular guy in school, and Lane was simply Cy and Sutton’s little brother. Nothing more. It drove him crazy that everything he did or didn’t do ended up being compared to one or both of his brothers. His accomplishments were never celebrated for what they were worth because his brothers had already been there and done that. In seventh grade, a classmate brought in his dad’s guitar for some project and Lane watched, enthralled as the other kid pitifully strummed a terrible version of “Brown Eyed Girl” by Van Morrison. After class Lane rushed home to beg his old man for a guitar of his own. Unfortunately, Lydia Warner surfaced at the same time and proceeded to break her son’s heart, like she always did when she was around. She told Lane there was no point in getting a guitar unless his father ever agreed to leave the ranch. She told her disheartened son that as long as the Warners were stuck in Wyoming and tied to the ranch, that all they would ever be good for was shoveling horse shit and playing babysitter to a bunch of worthless cattle. According to her, musicians belonged in the city and had no place in a depressing, desolate place like the home Lane and his brothers loved.

  Lane knew he was never going to leave his father or the ranch, so he forgot about the guitar and refused to tell his dad all the awful things his mom had to say about their home. Not that her words or actions would have surprised Boyd. The man loved Lydia to distraction, but he was beyond familiar with her disdain for everything he had worked so hard for. He would never tolerate the vile woman poisoning her youngest child's dreams, though. His boys were the only thing in the world Boyd wouldn’t let Lydia tear apart and disparage. So, when I told Lane’s dad how desperately Lane wanted a guitar, and how excited he was before Lydia got ahold of him, Boyd Warner wasted no time in getting his boy an acoustic Martin that would’ve made Johnny Cash proud.

  Lydia took the gift as an opportunity to pick one of her final fights with Boyd. She accused him of giving the boys false hope and dangling the prospect of having more than they were destined for in front of them like a carrot. She took off, again, and missed Lane being a natural when it came to making music. He learned by ear, not needing lessons at all, his voice, when he sang, was raspy and rich. Unique to Lane and guaranteed to make women sigh in appreciation and men stomp their feet and want to two-step. The boy was already irresistible with that killer smile and inherent cowboy swagger. When he had a guitar in his hands, and a love song slipped from his lips, he was more potent than the oldest whiskey and the strongest drug. Cy couldn’t carry a tune to save his life, and Sutton was all thumbs, so making music effortlessly was the one thing Lane had that was all his own. Lane found the thing that set him apart from the rest, proving his horrible mother was wrong. He used his guitar to make the overnight trips from the ranch which people paid the Warners a lot of money to go on, more enjoyable and lively. The tourists loved to hear him play, and Lane loved that he brought something no one else in the family did to the business.

  That w
as Lane to a T. He was the guy who wanted to be useful, invaluable, needed by everyone who mattered to him. That was ultimately why we fell apart. I didn’t need Lane Warner to save me, but I wanted him to love me. I wanted him, period.

  “You doing all right over there? You’re pretty quiet.” His gruff question broke into my meandering thoughts and pulled me back to the present.

  I gave myself a mental shake and played with the end of my long braid to avoid looking at those questioning blue eyes. “I was just thinking about the first time you ever sang to me. It’s been a long time since I got a private Lane Warner concert. I haven’t heard you sing in years. I think you sound better now than you did back then.”

  I watched his eyebrow quirk from the corner of my eye. He had a ballcap on with the ranch’s logo, and that, coupled with the quizzical expression on his face, made him the poster boy for what a rugged yet adorable, Country Western sex-god should and could look like.